long personal post
This is a long post about myself. No one has to read anything and I'm sorry if this bother you on your feed.
I've been trying to get the root of my unhappiness.
In my childhood, I've always been a loner sort of child although I had 8 siblings. I guess my sister Zahra was my closest friend??? But she beat me around a lot and she preferred my brother Moh'd a lot better than she did me so I guess she only came to me when he didn't have time for her. When I entered school, I met this girl called Nada and we hit it off well, but I still felt anxious about our friendship (I was 8 years old and scared of friendships HOW STUPID IS THAT?) because I always thought she'd like that other girl who had money and was prettier than me while I was a bookworm (an honor student who could solve math problems wasn't the biggest hit midst eight year old children, believe me. especially since I didn't care about who was copying my answers, I just liked solving the problems.) Nada and I agreed a lot but because my sister Zahra was a year older, she always seemed much more fun than I was, so Nada perhaps had liked her better than she liked me. I knew that and that was partially why I felt on edge all the time.
Nada transferred in third grade. That day is somehow vague to me, but I remember our hearty anticipation to begin studying English, she had been very excited. I recall her mother picking her up from school, and we had a tearful goodbye. I feel incredibly lonely just by remembering it.
I guess I tried to get close to another classmate in forth grade, but much like me, she had her sisters and she was very smart and liked by the entire class, her name was Sarah. Anyhow, I then met Nawal, in 4th grade. I guess Nawal and I hit it off very well. I slacked in school, went out a lot with her. I can't remember the things we talked about but I once remember not caring about the way I looked during the school's festival for the Independence day of Bahrain (Since I turned 9 and I've been gaining weight a year after another.) and just danced to my heart's content.
Nawal was liked generally by everyone. I was her sidekick. In fifth grade, I became the second option or the third when we met Fatima and Walaa. I just shifted of my importance to her. I didn’t try hard. I continued to be the same cheerful one, but I’ve always felt out of place when they talked about boys or that sort of thing. I wasn’t much of an outgoing person so I guess I never dared to make it obvious how much I disapproved of what they thought was cool.
My friendships became a tad better in 6th grade. I met a really nice girl called Zainab. She’d even invite me over but I always declined, my mother prohibited me from visiting friends’ houses. Anyhow, that year was good, I met good friends, had a nice school year. I was happy.
In first intermediate, Zainab just… disappeared from my life. So did Nawal, and Fatima and Walaa. I didn’t have friends anymore, but a girl from my primary school had a teeny bit of interest in the same thing I liked (I don’t remember what it was, probably novels) so we became friends. During the second semester, we gained another friend to our twosome, and her name was Zainab too. Much like all years, my group of friends was quirky and fun to be with. We talked a lot and enjoyed one another’s company. Soon enough, they got closer together and I was pushed back to the 2nd option… again. Unlike Zainab #2, I wasn’t skinny, or pretty, or remotely interesting as much as Zainab #1 thought. I didn’t have a boyfriend, or even a crush. I was a tad less overweight than before, so I had an okay body, but I became very depressed that year (the sadness and loneliness; I now can objectify as depression)and began to gain weight when they stopped talking to me as comfortably as before.
It hurt a lot to be a second option again, or a third time. All my life, I’ve been someone’s ‘friend’ while they were my ‘best friends.’ They used the ‘you’ve changed’ excuse while I stood there without a counterattack. They hurt me, and to this day, I still never told them how lonely it felt to be put on the side, and to be the one to reach out. I never met them ever again after graduating from Intermediate school.
Second year unrolled and I was foolish enough to think that they would remain my friends. They were in the same class while I ended up alone. I cried during the first day of school, I felt alone and deserted. That’s when I met Sakeena. Her older sister had been my sister’s close friends (they’ve drifted apart now) so it was easy to just blabber about whatever.
That year was the best year. I rebelled and did the things I never dared to do. That was my best year… I didn’t feel lonely or on the sides at all. I had friends and my large group of friends thought I was pretty and smart and equally fun. In that time, I regretted feeling bad about myself, because in that year, I believed that I was worth something.
I graduated, and the results were very bad, so my family began to beat me mentally for being happy.
Sakeena and I are still friends, but not as close as before. I remain physically uncomfortable with anyone besides Sakeena. She remains my close friend even if we don’t talk anymore and we had nothing in common. Just thinking back of that awesome year, I get happy and that remains the most important part of my second year; I built memories nothing can tear down. Although I had been a despicable person during that time, I often justify my actions as the indecencies of adolescent.
This hurts to write so I’m going to stop here.
Because in the following years, I met the sole friend who hurt and made me feel immense happiness… It might take some time for me to gather up the strength to write it down…
I've been trying to get the root of my unhappiness.
In my childhood, I've always been a loner sort of child although I had 8 siblings. I guess my sister Zahra was my closest friend??? But she beat me around a lot and she preferred my brother Moh'd a lot better than she did me so I guess she only came to me when he didn't have time for her. When I entered school, I met this girl called Nada and we hit it off well, but I still felt anxious about our friendship (I was 8 years old and scared of friendships HOW STUPID IS THAT?) because I always thought she'd like that other girl who had money and was prettier than me while I was a bookworm (an honor student who could solve math problems wasn't the biggest hit midst eight year old children, believe me. especially since I didn't care about who was copying my answers, I just liked solving the problems.) Nada and I agreed a lot but because my sister Zahra was a year older, she always seemed much more fun than I was, so Nada perhaps had liked her better than she liked me. I knew that and that was partially why I felt on edge all the time.
Nada transferred in third grade. That day is somehow vague to me, but I remember our hearty anticipation to begin studying English, she had been very excited. I recall her mother picking her up from school, and we had a tearful goodbye. I feel incredibly lonely just by remembering it.
I guess I tried to get close to another classmate in forth grade, but much like me, she had her sisters and she was very smart and liked by the entire class, her name was Sarah. Anyhow, I then met Nawal, in 4th grade. I guess Nawal and I hit it off very well. I slacked in school, went out a lot with her. I can't remember the things we talked about but I once remember not caring about the way I looked during the school's festival for the Independence day of Bahrain (Since I turned 9 and I've been gaining weight a year after another.) and just danced to my heart's content.
Nawal was liked generally by everyone. I was her sidekick. In fifth grade, I became the second option or the third when we met Fatima and Walaa. I just shifted of my importance to her. I didn’t try hard. I continued to be the same cheerful one, but I’ve always felt out of place when they talked about boys or that sort of thing. I wasn’t much of an outgoing person so I guess I never dared to make it obvious how much I disapproved of what they thought was cool.
My friendships became a tad better in 6th grade. I met a really nice girl called Zainab. She’d even invite me over but I always declined, my mother prohibited me from visiting friends’ houses. Anyhow, that year was good, I met good friends, had a nice school year. I was happy.
In first intermediate, Zainab just… disappeared from my life. So did Nawal, and Fatima and Walaa. I didn’t have friends anymore, but a girl from my primary school had a teeny bit of interest in the same thing I liked (I don’t remember what it was, probably novels) so we became friends. During the second semester, we gained another friend to our twosome, and her name was Zainab too. Much like all years, my group of friends was quirky and fun to be with. We talked a lot and enjoyed one another’s company. Soon enough, they got closer together and I was pushed back to the 2nd option… again. Unlike Zainab #2, I wasn’t skinny, or pretty, or remotely interesting as much as Zainab #1 thought. I didn’t have a boyfriend, or even a crush. I was a tad less overweight than before, so I had an okay body, but I became very depressed that year (the sadness and loneliness; I now can objectify as depression)and began to gain weight when they stopped talking to me as comfortably as before.
It hurt a lot to be a second option again, or a third time. All my life, I’ve been someone’s ‘friend’ while they were my ‘best friends.’ They used the ‘you’ve changed’ excuse while I stood there without a counterattack. They hurt me, and to this day, I still never told them how lonely it felt to be put on the side, and to be the one to reach out. I never met them ever again after graduating from Intermediate school.
Second year unrolled and I was foolish enough to think that they would remain my friends. They were in the same class while I ended up alone. I cried during the first day of school, I felt alone and deserted. That’s when I met Sakeena. Her older sister had been my sister’s close friends (they’ve drifted apart now) so it was easy to just blabber about whatever.
That year was the best year. I rebelled and did the things I never dared to do. That was my best year… I didn’t feel lonely or on the sides at all. I had friends and my large group of friends thought I was pretty and smart and equally fun. In that time, I regretted feeling bad about myself, because in that year, I believed that I was worth something.
I graduated, and the results were very bad, so my family began to beat me mentally for being happy.
Sakeena and I are still friends, but not as close as before. I remain physically uncomfortable with anyone besides Sakeena. She remains my close friend even if we don’t talk anymore and we had nothing in common. Just thinking back of that awesome year, I get happy and that remains the most important part of my second year; I built memories nothing can tear down. Although I had been a despicable person during that time, I often justify my actions as the indecencies of adolescent.
This hurts to write so I’m going to stop here.
Because in the following years, I met the sole friend who hurt and made me feel immense happiness… It might take some time for me to gather up the strength to write it down…