Post-Train Wreck
I had another emotional week - Tuesday I was so depressed that I left work early. I felt completely overwhelmed and sad, could not focus and needed to sleep. In fact, I took naps every day this week, and not because I wasn't sleeping enough at night.
And yet, I didn't miss any classes. I cleaned my apartment. (Amanda was here and something about having a second person in the apartment encouraged me). I accomplished a little bit of homework and worked on important stuff.
So my medicine and therapy are working - my crisis FELT like a train-wreck, but my life was NOT actually derailed. That is a HUGE victory and celebration.
But the truth is, I am struggling.
Last week, God sent me a sign which invited me to wait before withdrawing from candidacy. I am literally going to do just that - wait. I am not willing to pursue commissioning in North Georgia, I am not willing to transfer conferences yet (as I do not know where I would go). I am not entirely happy about accepting God's invitation to remain a candidate either. I was enjoying the thought of maintaining my free-spirited nomadic life which would send me to grad school in a few years to get my Ph.D. and simply teach.
But more than that I am pondering a related set of questions. I have claimed that in my future I do wish to be partnered. I avoided naming this for a long time, because I do not like wishing for something over which I have no power. And while I can set out to be ordained, to get a ph.d., to achieve all the vocational goals in my little head, I am incapable of determining that today I am going to being finding a partner, and believing that my efforts will get me any closer to the goal. There is a powerlessness here which I respect, for any efforts to force a relationship would result in less than human interaction.
And that means waiting. Truly, just waiting and being me. being open to people in my life and the amazingly life fulfilling friendships which warm my heart. Because I am not lonely - not really - I simply wish for a depth of emotional intimacy and temporal-commitment which is not a friendship. OK the emotional intimacy happens, but not the temporal commitment, not when you're a nomad.
And that brings me to my final set of thoughts - who or what am I waiting for? yes, another Nomad. One who shares my deepest passion - for the liberating God who is love. And one who is flexible enough that the compromises with run both ways - we will move to follow my career half the time, or maybe more than half. And finally, someone who is willing to engage in healthy conflict.
(tangent) I have learned this year that conflict avoidance is truly a dysfunctional way of living. I don't mean people who are gentle or who avoid direct confrontation; no, I mean the inability to set up (claim) boundaries, unwillingness to ask a friend to stop teasing in a hurtful way, terror and shaking in boots just to ask a question if the answer might be at all dicey. Or someone who avoids and withdraws rather than engages in discussion when things are difficult.
Most of the people in my life have healthy-conflict-avoidance boundaries, but a few really drive me up the walls. Please, please - see a counselor. Because if the 10-yr-old who yells and screams at 10,000 decibels can learn to express furious anger and righteous indignation in a gentle and persuasive tone of voice, then you too can learn that confrontation is not deadly, and disturbing the peace is occasionally the most effective way to maintain healthy intimacy. (if you are reading this, assume you aren't the one who drives me crazy)
This is a good thing for me to claim, because I feel so much like a work-in-progress that I often refrain from naming those things I do not like in other people. But there are a few: (1) intense conflict avoidance (2) dishonesty (3) greed (4) inhospitality...
greed and inhospitality are an interesting one - and actually a place where I need to tweak my boundaries a little. I often live out of a spirit of generosity - I'll give, and I enjoy doing that little bit extra. But occasionally, I find myself doing so much extra that I think "I'm doing this much, why aren't 'you' reciprocating?" and I get sad or angry that my friends around me are not equally generous. It honestly blows my mind when someone has something of mediocre value and useless to it's owner and they do not seek to find someone who needs it to give it away. And yet that is a strange way for me to behave! So I must learn not to assume that generosity is going to help make others capable of the same. its a minor tweak.
OK enough pondering. If you know any generous, honest, emotionally-available, conflict-healthy, nomadic, liberation seeking, spiritual folks - send them my way and maybe I'll make a new friend! (um,. and they have to be excited or at least amused by my crazy-amounts-of-energy, cause that isn't going to change. I am a High-energy, Uber-passionate person.)
:-) That's not a high standard... nope. LOL :-)
I will keep struggling. I will keep climbing - I have hope.
And yet, I didn't miss any classes. I cleaned my apartment. (Amanda was here and something about having a second person in the apartment encouraged me). I accomplished a little bit of homework and worked on important stuff.
So my medicine and therapy are working - my crisis FELT like a train-wreck, but my life was NOT actually derailed. That is a HUGE victory and celebration.
But the truth is, I am struggling.
Last week, God sent me a sign which invited me to wait before withdrawing from candidacy. I am literally going to do just that - wait. I am not willing to pursue commissioning in North Georgia, I am not willing to transfer conferences yet (as I do not know where I would go). I am not entirely happy about accepting God's invitation to remain a candidate either. I was enjoying the thought of maintaining my free-spirited nomadic life which would send me to grad school in a few years to get my Ph.D. and simply teach.
But more than that I am pondering a related set of questions. I have claimed that in my future I do wish to be partnered. I avoided naming this for a long time, because I do not like wishing for something over which I have no power. And while I can set out to be ordained, to get a ph.d., to achieve all the vocational goals in my little head, I am incapable of determining that today I am going to being finding a partner, and believing that my efforts will get me any closer to the goal. There is a powerlessness here which I respect, for any efforts to force a relationship would result in less than human interaction.
And that means waiting. Truly, just waiting and being me. being open to people in my life and the amazingly life fulfilling friendships which warm my heart. Because I am not lonely - not really - I simply wish for a depth of emotional intimacy and temporal-commitment which is not a friendship. OK the emotional intimacy happens, but not the temporal commitment, not when you're a nomad.
And that brings me to my final set of thoughts - who or what am I waiting for? yes, another Nomad. One who shares my deepest passion - for the liberating God who is love. And one who is flexible enough that the compromises with run both ways - we will move to follow my career half the time, or maybe more than half. And finally, someone who is willing to engage in healthy conflict.
(tangent) I have learned this year that conflict avoidance is truly a dysfunctional way of living. I don't mean people who are gentle or who avoid direct confrontation; no, I mean the inability to set up (claim) boundaries, unwillingness to ask a friend to stop teasing in a hurtful way, terror and shaking in boots just to ask a question if the answer might be at all dicey. Or someone who avoids and withdraws rather than engages in discussion when things are difficult.
Most of the people in my life have healthy-conflict-avoidance boundaries, but a few really drive me up the walls. Please, please - see a counselor. Because if the 10-yr-old who yells and screams at 10,000 decibels can learn to express furious anger and righteous indignation in a gentle and persuasive tone of voice, then you too can learn that confrontation is not deadly, and disturbing the peace is occasionally the most effective way to maintain healthy intimacy. (if you are reading this, assume you aren't the one who drives me crazy)
This is a good thing for me to claim, because I feel so much like a work-in-progress that I often refrain from naming those things I do not like in other people. But there are a few: (1) intense conflict avoidance (2) dishonesty (3) greed (4) inhospitality...
greed and inhospitality are an interesting one - and actually a place where I need to tweak my boundaries a little. I often live out of a spirit of generosity - I'll give, and I enjoy doing that little bit extra. But occasionally, I find myself doing so much extra that I think "I'm doing this much, why aren't 'you' reciprocating?" and I get sad or angry that my friends around me are not equally generous. It honestly blows my mind when someone has something of mediocre value and useless to it's owner and they do not seek to find someone who needs it to give it away. And yet that is a strange way for me to behave! So I must learn not to assume that generosity is going to help make others capable of the same. its a minor tweak.
OK enough pondering. If you know any generous, honest, emotionally-available, conflict-healthy, nomadic, liberation seeking, spiritual folks - send them my way and maybe I'll make a new friend! (um,. and they have to be excited or at least amused by my crazy-amounts-of-energy, cause that isn't going to change. I am a High-energy, Uber-passionate person.)
:-) That's not a high standard... nope. LOL :-)
I will keep struggling. I will keep climbing - I have hope.