(no subject)
Just an update
Classes are overwhelming and I'm behind. I'm going to just work really hard over this month to catch up. my goal is to be caught up by Dec. 1. I know that sounds like a long time, but I'm a good two weeks behind. that's OK because I've spoken with professors and worked a schedule out to figure out how to do this work, learn this stuff and not be too far behind as we go. This way by Dec 1 I'll only have 2 or 3 papers left for the entire semester, plus my independent study paper. That will be fun.
Internship is wonderful. That's all there is to say about that.
Ph.D. applications and inquiries are coming along, slowly but surely. Pray for me!
My head / heart / mental health and psyche are getting better too. I have moved from just identifying the causes of my pains and neuroses to beginning to see how they are affecting my actions here and now (today). I have claimed how my wonderful parents - who were introverts while I am an extrovert - did a good enough job, but were more emotionally distant with me than would have been optimal. So I often struggle with connections because I found an inner child who so desperately needed affection. I have seen how that inner child refused to allow me to set up healthy boundaries; and how that made me into the kind of person who was WAY to friendly and too willing to go out of my way for people. This is why I would say stupid things like "I have no boundaries." And it's why I could be so mean while teasing other people - because I had no other way of expressing my anger or acknowledging the places where my boundaries had been crossed. I became passive aggressive in one or two little ways.
So I have begun to (1) intentionally love my "inner child" (2) give myself permission to feel hurt when people hurt me (3) establish personal boundaries gently and quickly. I have also learned through a messy and sad relationship situation of shared responsibility that relationships are hard, and that I cannot dictate my self-worth according to their success or failure; also I must take responsibility for how I act in relationship, but because I cannot control other people (not a problem, don't want to) I cannot feel responsible for when people hurt me. I can ONLY choose how I deal with my pain. And being honest with people when they hurt me, or at least setting boundaries so they stop hurting me is a great first step; (claiming that my need to set boundaries is NOT a weakness or character flaw is important too).
Therefore, I'm working on being self-loving and appropriately self-protective. And the next step will be to learn how to be this in a relationship BEFORE I get hurt instead of afterwards; that way the profound internal trauma will not be repeated, but I will only be appropriately connected to the people around me rather than depending upon them for my self-reality and self-worth. That's the best part of setting up boundaries - it means I have given myself the space to love me.
Classes are overwhelming and I'm behind. I'm going to just work really hard over this month to catch up. my goal is to be caught up by Dec. 1. I know that sounds like a long time, but I'm a good two weeks behind. that's OK because I've spoken with professors and worked a schedule out to figure out how to do this work, learn this stuff and not be too far behind as we go. This way by Dec 1 I'll only have 2 or 3 papers left for the entire semester, plus my independent study paper. That will be fun.
Internship is wonderful. That's all there is to say about that.
Ph.D. applications and inquiries are coming along, slowly but surely. Pray for me!
My head / heart / mental health and psyche are getting better too. I have moved from just identifying the causes of my pains and neuroses to beginning to see how they are affecting my actions here and now (today). I have claimed how my wonderful parents - who were introverts while I am an extrovert - did a good enough job, but were more emotionally distant with me than would have been optimal. So I often struggle with connections because I found an inner child who so desperately needed affection. I have seen how that inner child refused to allow me to set up healthy boundaries; and how that made me into the kind of person who was WAY to friendly and too willing to go out of my way for people. This is why I would say stupid things like "I have no boundaries." And it's why I could be so mean while teasing other people - because I had no other way of expressing my anger or acknowledging the places where my boundaries had been crossed. I became passive aggressive in one or two little ways.
So I have begun to (1) intentionally love my "inner child" (2) give myself permission to feel hurt when people hurt me (3) establish personal boundaries gently and quickly. I have also learned through a messy and sad relationship situation of shared responsibility that relationships are hard, and that I cannot dictate my self-worth according to their success or failure; also I must take responsibility for how I act in relationship, but because I cannot control other people (not a problem, don't want to) I cannot feel responsible for when people hurt me. I can ONLY choose how I deal with my pain. And being honest with people when they hurt me, or at least setting boundaries so they stop hurting me is a great first step; (claiming that my need to set boundaries is NOT a weakness or character flaw is important too).
Therefore, I'm working on being self-loving and appropriately self-protective. And the next step will be to learn how to be this in a relationship BEFORE I get hurt instead of afterwards; that way the profound internal trauma will not be repeated, but I will only be appropriately connected to the people around me rather than depending upon them for my self-reality and self-worth. That's the best part of setting up boundaries - it means I have given myself the space to love me.