Sometimes.

[gracedlife]

I worry about finances, ministry, future and family. Sometimes I feel like I am good for nothing, that I don't possess any skill, because it seems like whatever I could do, others could do too. Like Jack of all trade master of none. Sometimes this thought throws me back to my seat and look at what my hands are really created to do. Sometimes I wonder how church is really supposed to be; to be a shelter for people to come as they are, a home where wounds can be nursed and love is felt deep, or has it subtly turned into a place where work is all that we talk about and people feel the need to hide so as to stay within this community, because of how things are being handled. Sometimes I wonder if we, who are the followers of Christ, have subtly became like the Pharisees and possess self-righteousness. Sometimes I wonder about my value. Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to get married, because it seems so bleak. Somtimes I wonder if I have put in more effort would the person's passion not died, but instead, see a future in this ministry. Sometimes I wonder if I am stupid or smart. Sometimes I wonder if I would ever shed some weight. Sometimes I wonder if people could just share without reservation, and listener to listen without judgement, but with love. Sometimes I wonder if life could take a break on me. And sometimes, I just wish to go Home.

One of the rare nights I have my blabber noted down in such an honest way.