CHEER UP YOU SILLY BITCH.
these things are for karabou, who is a wonderful friend of mine currently having a shit couple of days. a FUNK -- we all get them, but kara totally deserves to be cheered up so hopefully some smooshy j2 and a happymaking music mix will do the trick!
i sort of haphazardly threw this zip file together, but it contains a bunch of songs that make me so mind-bendingly happy when they come on that i completely forget about my shit mood. a random mix, and i didn't even bother to order them -- the horrah.
i hope you find some love here in this mix, karapoo.
song list for a mix called "GET UP!"
[download zip]
"10,000 nights of thunder," alphabeats
"i got a feeling," black eyed peas
"get up," bleu
"a little respect," erasure
"be calm," fun.
"i got life," gavin creel & the cast of HAIR
"invisible touch," genesis
"thinkin' bout somethin'," hanson
"i saw it on your keyboard," hellogoodbye
"perfect time of day," howie day
"more," j. englishman
"pure," j. englishman
"sit down," james
"i'm yours," jason mraz
"shit song," kate nash
"be somebody," kings of leon
"the world should revolve around me," little jackie
"touches you," mika
"don't stop me now," queen
"maybe this time," sherwood
"a broken promise," sleepercar
"higher ground," stevie wonder
"inches and falling," the format
"oceans," the format
"can't get a read on you," tinted windows
"if you're wondering," weezer
AND WHILE YOU DOWNLOAD!
I want you to!
j2 non-au
pg13 for language and sexual content
1800 words of jensen feeling shitty and jared trying/failing/trying to fix it.
When Jared gets home, the silence immediately throws him off. Usually there’s something: television, dinner pans, dog collars, the iPod dock, baseball game on the radio, dishwasher running, laundry basket being thrown down the stairs. The house is never quiet.
He finds Jensen stretched out on the couch, eyes closed, head tucked into his arms. The dogs are on the floor, tails thumping idly, eyebrows cocking toward Jared as he enters. He frowns.
“You awake?” he asks softly.
A humming response.
“You all right?”
“Shit day.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing.”
Jared bites his lip;. Jensen hasn’t moved, hasn’t picked up his head, hasn’t even really held up his end of the conversation. Something’s wrong. He gets the hint, though; nothing Jensen wants to talk about. He’s uncertain for a long time, torn between giving Jensen his space and digging for more.
In the end, it’s too disturbing a thought to just leave him there, miserable.
Jared quietly toes off his shoes and kicks them aside. Slides out of his jacket and throws it on the leather recliner. Hesitates for another second before taking a deep breath and climbing over the back of the couch to carefully stretch his body out over Jensen’s.
Jensen tenses immediately, eyes flying open to lock on Jared’s in a panic. He’s already shifting, wiggling, trying to separate them.
“Jared - don’t - seriously - ”
“Don’t what,” Jared says, and he can feel the you’re-crazy look pulling his eyebrows together. “Will you relax? What’s the big fucking deal.”
“You are an idiot if you think this is all right. Will you please get off me.”
“Why am I an idiot?”
“You just are! You can’t just - be on me, okay, it’s not okay.”
Jared stops then, feels his stomach bottom out with the feeling of having done something completely wrong. Jensen’s frozen beneath him, faced turned away while he stares so hard at the blank television screen Jared feels like he’s being shoved off.
Jared panics, first lifting off Jensen with his arms to break full-body contact, and then levering himself entirely off the sofa to stand awkwardly. His mind is back-tracking through their entire relationship so quickly he can barely make out a single thought. All he comes up with is: when has this ever been a big deal?
He feels like a complete asshole.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “God, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking, I thought that would cheer you up? For some reason. It seems so fucking stupid now, I feel so fucking stupid, I can’t even believe I did that, what is wrong with me?”
Jensen’s dragged himself up into a sitting position now, and he puts his face in his hands, grinding the heels of his hands into his eyes. He looks exhausted; beat down; defeated.
“Nothing’s wrong with you, Jay,” he says. “Seriously. You’re fine.”
“Clearly I’m not - clearly I’m not fine, if you just completely flipped out on me. Listen, whatever you want me to do, seriously. I’ll leave if you want, listen, I’ll just go out for a while, and leave you alone.”
“You don’t have to go anywhere, it’s your house, don’t go crazy, Jesus.”
“Don’t go crazy! I’m not the one going crazy, you’re the one going crazy, Jen, what the fuck!”
Jensen sighs, shaking his head. He looks like he is so painfully bothered to be having this conversation that Jared wishes he’d just gone straight to his room and passed out for the night.
“Okay, listen,” Jensen says. “Sometimes I can deal with you, and it’s fine, like, I can do it. But other times I’m just in the wrong mood, or something, and I don’t have it in me, okay? And sometimes, Jay, I just need you to back off.”
A lump forms in Jared’s throat and he finds himself stepping away. He’s hurt, abruptly and completely. This feels like an angry slap in the face and the tingling red mark that follows. There’s an underbrush of confusion so dense he can hardly see through it to form the right words.
“Deal with me, okay. Deal with me? Really? When did I become someone you just had to fucking put up with.”
“Put - okay, this is coming out wrong,” Jensen says. “Hold on. I really don’t want to talk about this. I mean, really.”
“Well, hey, don’t fucking put yourself out,” Jared says tightly, shrugging. He moves quickly, crossing the room to pull his sneakers on again.
“Stop - Jared! Stop, stop, for fuck’s sake, wait.”
Jared turns to find Jensen on his feet, tripping over the coffee table to rip the shoe right out of Jared’s hand. When he throws it across the room, red in the face and out of breath, Jared is officially so angry and confused and humiliated that he wants to punch Jensen. He stands there, head tipped back to stare at the ceiling, trying to clear every single thought and feeling from his mind.
“I did not want to say any of these things to you ever,” Jensen says. “But I think whatever you’re thinking right now is way worse, so. What I meant was, sometimes it’s too much. Sometimes it’s fine, and other times - I - fuck - I just like, want it too much.”
Jared blinks, eyes snapping to Jensen, who’s looking at the wall over Jared’s shoulder. His fists are in tight knots at his sides, and he looks miserable.
“What I meant was, sometimes I have the self control to just be friends. And sometimes I don’t. And my head goes somewhere else. And it’s not okay. Okay?”
Jared stares at him for a long time, unable to pull up an answering thought. He’s relieved, is the first feeling he decides on. It’s easy to move on from there.
“Well,” Jared says slowly. “What if it was okay? What if, whatever you think about us, it’s okay?”
“But it’s not, Jay. It’s really not.”
“I am telling you right now,” he says patiently. “That it is. Now can we please just, relax about this?”
Jensen stares, unable to keep that tremolo of doubt from stuttering over his features. His fingers clench and unclench, as if attempting to dump off some of his tension in even measures. He doesn’t move when Jared comes close to him, doesn’t move when Jared puts hands on his shoulders and squeezes, letting his thumbs rest over Jensen’s collarbone.
“Are you okay?” Jared asks.
“I - yeah, I guess. I don’t know. So what do we do? What do you want to do?”
“How about we just lay down for a while. Like I fucking planned.”
Jensen opens his mouth; stops himself on a worried lip; tries again: “I don’t know. Are you sure? I’m going to - I don’t know if you want to call it a weakness, or what, but.”
Jared wants to laugh, but he doesn’t. Instead, he shoves at Jensen, turns him around and walks them to Jared’s bedroom. Jared’s arms go around his waist and his long legs easily bracket Jensen’s as they make their way to the other end of the house. When he feels the back of Jensen’s neck resting against his shoulder, Jared’s pretty sure he’s won this round.
In the bedroom, he pulls off his socks and his pants and stretches out over the comforter. Jensen follows his lead, far more carefully and with several more glances to the open door, as if rethinking every last movement.
Once he’s down, Jared pulls him in before he has another moment to second-guess himself. Jared’s got one arm around Jensen’s waist and a leg slung over his at the knee. He uses a free hand to curl on the pillow, fingertips scratching into Jensen’s hair.
Jensen presses back against the length of his body and laces their fingers on his stomach. It sends a bolt of heat through Jared and he leans hard against Jensen, adjusting them so that Jared is nearly on top of him, covering him, and Jensen is pressed to the mattress, tilting his head to press his face into Jared’s neck.
Jared closes his eyes and feels it; the lips and line of his nose and the fluttering eyelashes. The warm breath and a final sigh of approval. They can relax, now.
“So what was it,” Jared asks quietly. “What’s wrong?”
Jensen laughs, pulling back from Jared’s skin and shifting to look at him.
“I was lonely,” Jensen says, chuffing at himself. “Was just. Having one of those days. Felt fucking alone. You know?”
For a brief second Jared’s heart breaks, genuine and true. He knows exactly how Jensen feels, has had that aching loneliness in his gut before, inhaling everything he’s made of. It’s immediately mended by the knowledge that this is something he can fix. This is something he can do something about.
Jared laughs, shoves at Jensen, gets them lined up, and then crushes him so tightly Jensen lets out a whuffing breath. Jared ignores him, using a thigh to pull in Jensen’s hips and a hand splayed over his chest to press him in close. Then Jared buries his face in Jensen’s hair and inhales; nudges his nose under Jensen’s ear and presses a light kiss to his jaw.
He’s surprised when Jensen turns his head and catches his lips, turns it into a long, slow, hungry kiss. Jensen reaches behind him, holds the back of Jared’s head and won’t let him stray. It feels too good for Jared to tell him he doesn’t have to hold him down.
It’s deep and wet, tongues rolling lazily, and Jensen sucks lightly at Jared’s lower lip in a way that makes him insane. He can’t breathe, it’s so good, and it’s even better when he bites and Jensen stumbles on a long exhale, holding himself tight under Jared’s mouth.
“Okay,” Jared says. “We’re going to do this all night. Fuck, Jen.”
“This is the exact opposite of what I thought life was going to be today.”
Laughter rumbles from Jensen and it’s a warm, welcoming feeling against Jared’s chest. Jensen shifts against him then, subtle, but Jared can feel that for what it is, and it launches his heartbeat into over-drive. It’s good. Whether it happens tonight or tomorrow or a month from now, it feels so good.
“So you’re good to stay here, right?” Jared asks. “Cause I’m not moving.”
“No, I’ll stay, I’m staying. Jay - thank you. Seriously. Whatever this is. I needed it.”
If Jared’s heart got any bigger it would be exploding from his chest. He moves just long enough to pull the comforter up over them to cocoon them in, squeezes Jensen again for one last good measure and nudges him back into a kiss. Jared thinks: they’ll do this all night, and fall asleep together, and when they wake in a tangled heap, they’ll be fine.
i sort of haphazardly threw this zip file together, but it contains a bunch of songs that make me so mind-bendingly happy when they come on that i completely forget about my shit mood. a random mix, and i didn't even bother to order them -- the horrah.
i hope you find some love here in this mix, karapoo.
song list for a mix called "GET UP!"
[download zip]
"10,000 nights of thunder," alphabeats
"i got a feeling," black eyed peas
"get up," bleu
"a little respect," erasure
"be calm," fun.
"i got life," gavin creel & the cast of HAIR
"invisible touch," genesis
"thinkin' bout somethin'," hanson
"i saw it on your keyboard," hellogoodbye
"perfect time of day," howie day
"more," j. englishman
"pure," j. englishman
"sit down," james
"i'm yours," jason mraz
"shit song," kate nash
"be somebody," kings of leon
"the world should revolve around me," little jackie
"touches you," mika
"don't stop me now," queen
"maybe this time," sherwood
"a broken promise," sleepercar
"higher ground," stevie wonder
"inches and falling," the format
"oceans," the format
"can't get a read on you," tinted windows
"if you're wondering," weezer
AND WHILE YOU DOWNLOAD!
I want you to!
j2 non-au
pg13 for language and sexual content
1800 words of jensen feeling shitty and jared trying/failing/trying to fix it.
When Jared gets home, the silence immediately throws him off. Usually there’s something: television, dinner pans, dog collars, the iPod dock, baseball game on the radio, dishwasher running, laundry basket being thrown down the stairs. The house is never quiet.
He finds Jensen stretched out on the couch, eyes closed, head tucked into his arms. The dogs are on the floor, tails thumping idly, eyebrows cocking toward Jared as he enters. He frowns.
“You awake?” he asks softly.
A humming response.
“You all right?”
“Shit day.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing.”
Jared bites his lip;. Jensen hasn’t moved, hasn’t picked up his head, hasn’t even really held up his end of the conversation. Something’s wrong. He gets the hint, though; nothing Jensen wants to talk about. He’s uncertain for a long time, torn between giving Jensen his space and digging for more.
In the end, it’s too disturbing a thought to just leave him there, miserable.
Jared quietly toes off his shoes and kicks them aside. Slides out of his jacket and throws it on the leather recliner. Hesitates for another second before taking a deep breath and climbing over the back of the couch to carefully stretch his body out over Jensen’s.
Jensen tenses immediately, eyes flying open to lock on Jared’s in a panic. He’s already shifting, wiggling, trying to separate them.
“Jared - don’t - seriously - ”
“Don’t what,” Jared says, and he can feel the you’re-crazy look pulling his eyebrows together. “Will you relax? What’s the big fucking deal.”
“You are an idiot if you think this is all right. Will you please get off me.”
“Why am I an idiot?”
“You just are! You can’t just - be on me, okay, it’s not okay.”
Jared stops then, feels his stomach bottom out with the feeling of having done something completely wrong. Jensen’s frozen beneath him, faced turned away while he stares so hard at the blank television screen Jared feels like he’s being shoved off.
Jared panics, first lifting off Jensen with his arms to break full-body contact, and then levering himself entirely off the sofa to stand awkwardly. His mind is back-tracking through their entire relationship so quickly he can barely make out a single thought. All he comes up with is: when has this ever been a big deal?
He feels like a complete asshole.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “God, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking, I thought that would cheer you up? For some reason. It seems so fucking stupid now, I feel so fucking stupid, I can’t even believe I did that, what is wrong with me?”
Jensen’s dragged himself up into a sitting position now, and he puts his face in his hands, grinding the heels of his hands into his eyes. He looks exhausted; beat down; defeated.
“Nothing’s wrong with you, Jay,” he says. “Seriously. You’re fine.”
“Clearly I’m not - clearly I’m not fine, if you just completely flipped out on me. Listen, whatever you want me to do, seriously. I’ll leave if you want, listen, I’ll just go out for a while, and leave you alone.”
“You don’t have to go anywhere, it’s your house, don’t go crazy, Jesus.”
“Don’t go crazy! I’m not the one going crazy, you’re the one going crazy, Jen, what the fuck!”
Jensen sighs, shaking his head. He looks like he is so painfully bothered to be having this conversation that Jared wishes he’d just gone straight to his room and passed out for the night.
“Okay, listen,” Jensen says. “Sometimes I can deal with you, and it’s fine, like, I can do it. But other times I’m just in the wrong mood, or something, and I don’t have it in me, okay? And sometimes, Jay, I just need you to back off.”
A lump forms in Jared’s throat and he finds himself stepping away. He’s hurt, abruptly and completely. This feels like an angry slap in the face and the tingling red mark that follows. There’s an underbrush of confusion so dense he can hardly see through it to form the right words.
“Deal with me, okay. Deal with me? Really? When did I become someone you just had to fucking put up with.”
“Put - okay, this is coming out wrong,” Jensen says. “Hold on. I really don’t want to talk about this. I mean, really.”
“Well, hey, don’t fucking put yourself out,” Jared says tightly, shrugging. He moves quickly, crossing the room to pull his sneakers on again.
“Stop - Jared! Stop, stop, for fuck’s sake, wait.”
Jared turns to find Jensen on his feet, tripping over the coffee table to rip the shoe right out of Jared’s hand. When he throws it across the room, red in the face and out of breath, Jared is officially so angry and confused and humiliated that he wants to punch Jensen. He stands there, head tipped back to stare at the ceiling, trying to clear every single thought and feeling from his mind.
“I did not want to say any of these things to you ever,” Jensen says. “But I think whatever you’re thinking right now is way worse, so. What I meant was, sometimes it’s too much. Sometimes it’s fine, and other times - I - fuck - I just like, want it too much.”
Jared blinks, eyes snapping to Jensen, who’s looking at the wall over Jared’s shoulder. His fists are in tight knots at his sides, and he looks miserable.
“What I meant was, sometimes I have the self control to just be friends. And sometimes I don’t. And my head goes somewhere else. And it’s not okay. Okay?”
Jared stares at him for a long time, unable to pull up an answering thought. He’s relieved, is the first feeling he decides on. It’s easy to move on from there.
“Well,” Jared says slowly. “What if it was okay? What if, whatever you think about us, it’s okay?”
“But it’s not, Jay. It’s really not.”
“I am telling you right now,” he says patiently. “That it is. Now can we please just, relax about this?”
Jensen stares, unable to keep that tremolo of doubt from stuttering over his features. His fingers clench and unclench, as if attempting to dump off some of his tension in even measures. He doesn’t move when Jared comes close to him, doesn’t move when Jared puts hands on his shoulders and squeezes, letting his thumbs rest over Jensen’s collarbone.
“Are you okay?” Jared asks.
“I - yeah, I guess. I don’t know. So what do we do? What do you want to do?”
“How about we just lay down for a while. Like I fucking planned.”
Jensen opens his mouth; stops himself on a worried lip; tries again: “I don’t know. Are you sure? I’m going to - I don’t know if you want to call it a weakness, or what, but.”
Jared wants to laugh, but he doesn’t. Instead, he shoves at Jensen, turns him around and walks them to Jared’s bedroom. Jared’s arms go around his waist and his long legs easily bracket Jensen’s as they make their way to the other end of the house. When he feels the back of Jensen’s neck resting against his shoulder, Jared’s pretty sure he’s won this round.
In the bedroom, he pulls off his socks and his pants and stretches out over the comforter. Jensen follows his lead, far more carefully and with several more glances to the open door, as if rethinking every last movement.
Once he’s down, Jared pulls him in before he has another moment to second-guess himself. Jared’s got one arm around Jensen’s waist and a leg slung over his at the knee. He uses a free hand to curl on the pillow, fingertips scratching into Jensen’s hair.
Jensen presses back against the length of his body and laces their fingers on his stomach. It sends a bolt of heat through Jared and he leans hard against Jensen, adjusting them so that Jared is nearly on top of him, covering him, and Jensen is pressed to the mattress, tilting his head to press his face into Jared’s neck.
Jared closes his eyes and feels it; the lips and line of his nose and the fluttering eyelashes. The warm breath and a final sigh of approval. They can relax, now.
“So what was it,” Jared asks quietly. “What’s wrong?”
Jensen laughs, pulling back from Jared’s skin and shifting to look at him.
“I was lonely,” Jensen says, chuffing at himself. “Was just. Having one of those days. Felt fucking alone. You know?”
For a brief second Jared’s heart breaks, genuine and true. He knows exactly how Jensen feels, has had that aching loneliness in his gut before, inhaling everything he’s made of. It’s immediately mended by the knowledge that this is something he can fix. This is something he can do something about.
Jared laughs, shoves at Jensen, gets them lined up, and then crushes him so tightly Jensen lets out a whuffing breath. Jared ignores him, using a thigh to pull in Jensen’s hips and a hand splayed over his chest to press him in close. Then Jared buries his face in Jensen’s hair and inhales; nudges his nose under Jensen’s ear and presses a light kiss to his jaw.
He’s surprised when Jensen turns his head and catches his lips, turns it into a long, slow, hungry kiss. Jensen reaches behind him, holds the back of Jared’s head and won’t let him stray. It feels too good for Jared to tell him he doesn’t have to hold him down.
It’s deep and wet, tongues rolling lazily, and Jensen sucks lightly at Jared’s lower lip in a way that makes him insane. He can’t breathe, it’s so good, and it’s even better when he bites and Jensen stumbles on a long exhale, holding himself tight under Jared’s mouth.
“Okay,” Jared says. “We’re going to do this all night. Fuck, Jen.”
“This is the exact opposite of what I thought life was going to be today.”
Laughter rumbles from Jensen and it’s a warm, welcoming feeling against Jared’s chest. Jensen shifts against him then, subtle, but Jared can feel that for what it is, and it launches his heartbeat into over-drive. It’s good. Whether it happens tonight or tomorrow or a month from now, it feels so good.
“So you’re good to stay here, right?” Jared asks. “Cause I’m not moving.”
“No, I’ll stay, I’m staying. Jay - thank you. Seriously. Whatever this is. I needed it.”
If Jared’s heart got any bigger it would be exploding from his chest. He moves just long enough to pull the comforter up over them to cocoon them in, squeezes Jensen again for one last good measure and nudges him back into a kiss. Jared thinks: they’ll do this all night, and fall asleep together, and when they wake in a tangled heap, they’ll be fine.