My window to yours (1/1)
so, i was poaching chicken and listening to the arcade fire and this just happened.
i don't know what it is, or why it is, and i don't think it makes any sense. but. i've always wanted to write this song, so, i guess i win.
My window to yours
sam; dean
gen; pg
stanford au
inspired by "neighborhood #1 (tunnels)," by the arcade fire. [mediafire d/l]
1400 words
“Just. Hear me out. Pretend I’m not crazy for a second.
“I had this dream. We were younger. It felt like a vision; like something that really happened. I woke up in a bedroom, which, you know, was weird. Blue walls, some World Series poster on the wall, from 1990, and this picture of mom and dad was on the nightstand. I’ve never seen it before, I don’t know if it was ever even taken. They looked happy, anyway.
“It was definitely Lawrence. Like, home. I don’t know how I know, but I just do.
“And the window was open, and I knew it was summer, or it was supposed to be, but when I looked out my window, there was snow up to the light posts. Up to my bedroom window. And everything was white; the sky was white, the sunlight was white, there was like this white cloud blanket, pallid, I guess. Colorless. But it was bright; so bright it hurt my eyes.
“Wind was coming in, moving everything in the room - it was a mess, seriously, which is more like you than me, but there were papers everywhere, clothes everywhere, books stacked up, the curtains were blowing out into the room. Half the bed sheets were on the floor. Things were blustering around, getting moved, getting swept out into the sky.
“God, that room. It reminded me so much of you, for some reason. All it needed was some porn mags and I would have known I was in the wrong room. But I wasn’t. I know I wasn’t.
“I left the room and went down the hall; there were two closed doors. One was mom and dad’s room; I knew they were in there, not because I could hear them or anything, but just because they were there. Still sleeping; like an early Saturday morning or something. Not even breakfast time. But they were trapped - they couldn’t get out, They were never going to get out, because of the snow. I stood at the door for a second and listened, but didn’t hear anything, so I just kept going.
“The other door was your room, and it wouldn’t open when I tried the knob. You didn’t answer when I yelled for you. I knew you weren’t in there, but I was yelling anyway. Couldn’t get at the lock, couldn’t kick it down. I didn’t know where you went. It was fear, like, serious fear. Terror. Our parents were gone and you weren’t there and everyone else was buried in the snow and I was alone forever.
“But then it was like, I knew, or something. I knew what to do. I went back to my room, back to the window, and right across the yard was another house, with another open bedroom window, and I could see you inside, sleeping. It was definitely your room, just by the color. Black walls. You think you’re so badass. You looked warm, you know? Cozy, completely unaware. Whatever. And I was trapped in the house with no one.
“I went downstairs to the back door, opened it, it was stacked with snow. I dug this tunnel, like forever, but it happened so fast, it was just there. I dug through the ice, with what? My hands? A shovel? My soul, I don’t know. But it was this slippery blue drafty tunnel that went right next door into your house.
“I went right over there and it was empty too, except for you. I woke you up, showed you the snow. You had these huge jackets, with fur, we pulled the hoods over our heads and laughed at each other. You looked so young, Dean. But still like you, still had that - whatever, that strength about you. Like you knew what to do, and you did. We put on the jackets, we closed the windows.
“It started to get dark, and we had to go outside. No one was there; we were alone. Everyone else was gone.
“The streets were clear, somehow. But only with these tiny trails; like a snow blower making this windy path that goes all the way up through two stories of snow. But I wasn’t afraid of it falling, or anything. It was safe, like ice caverns that had been there for centuries, frozen through, permanent. It was so narrow I had to walk behind you; I held onto the back of your jacket like I was going to get lost. Like it was those four hours in Disneyland all over again - remember that? That was. Well, anyway.
“There was this really loud sound coming from the sky; a drone, really. Like a tea kettle whistling, or maybe like that really high-pitched buzz that comes from power lines. Whatever it was, it was steady, and hurt my ears, and made the air move.
“So we’re walking through town, I think towards the interstate, or the community pool, and there are these flashes all around us, like fireflies? But they were stars. Tiny, white, and eye-burning bright. We squinted; you had sunglasses, obviously, and we had these huge glass jars. Filled them with stars, and then put the lids on, and used them to light the way home.
“We went back to your house, not ours. Ours wasn’t there anymore. Mom and dad and the whole house, just disappeared. There wasn’t anything there, I don’t think; not even space. It just wasn’t, anymore.
“We put the jars under the comforter, made this fort out of the bed, and then sat underneath with our huge parka hoods on. It was bright under there, and warm. The stars gave off heat like a fire. And it made my heart like vibrate, like it was charging. Like the light was feeding us, too.
“And then you asked me how I was, the way you do, you know. How ya holdin’ up, Sammy? and I just started to cry, because I said, I don’t remember our parents. And I was asking you their names, and what mom looked like, and where dad worked. And you didn’t answer, and I knew it was because you couldn’t remember them either. They were gone gone. Like, just, they never even happened.
“I woke up around then, somewhere sandwiched between the star fort and our parents being gone. And Jess - Jessica, she’s my - she’s this - she’s my girlfriend, she didn’t hear me; just slept right on like I hadn’t just had the most insane moment of my life.
“I felt alone, you know? That way you do when you wake up in the middle of the night and no one’s there but you really can feel that no one’s there, that you’re alone, deep down inside, you know? I love Jess, Dean. I want to marry her. But sitting there next to her, watching her sleep, and feeling this bottomless pit inside, something happened. Something clicked.
“She’ll never understand. I’ll never want her to know. I’ll never let her into that part of me, and that part is so much of me that I can’t pretend it isn’t there. I’m stuck; I don’t want it, but it’s there, and it always will be. And if I can’t let it out, if I can’t live it, or talk about the things that have happened, or the fear we’ve felt, then I’ll always feel this burning fucking feeling of alone.
“So I left. Kissed her shoulder, left a note, I’m such an asshole. I hitched for a while, got myself to Caleb’s. I knew he’d tell me where you were. Guy’s a sucker for me, still thinks I’m a chubby twelve-year old who doesn’t know ass from elbow. He set me up with a ride, and here I am.
“I know I haven’t been the greatest, I know you probably can’t even stand the sight of me; I’ve been watching you grind your teeth for the last ten minutes. But I’m here, okay? I got myself to you. That should count for something. I want back in. I’ll do whatever I need to, I’ll prove myself to you.
“I can’t - I just. I had that bizarre dream and all of the sudden, I missed it. All the good parts. I missed the hunting, the driving, sleeping in the backseat of the Impala, staring at the tree line, being free, in a way.
“I missed my idiot brother. My family. I can’t stop having mental images of this thing that never happened, us just making a childhood out of snow tunnels. We missed a lot. I don’t know why we’d want to miss anymore than we already have.
“Let me back in. I want in. For good.”
i don't know what it is, or why it is, and i don't think it makes any sense. but. i've always wanted to write this song, so, i guess i win.
My window to yours
sam; dean
gen; pg
stanford au
inspired by "neighborhood #1 (tunnels)," by the arcade fire. [mediafire d/l]
1400 words
“Just. Hear me out. Pretend I’m not crazy for a second.
“I had this dream. We were younger. It felt like a vision; like something that really happened. I woke up in a bedroom, which, you know, was weird. Blue walls, some World Series poster on the wall, from 1990, and this picture of mom and dad was on the nightstand. I’ve never seen it before, I don’t know if it was ever even taken. They looked happy, anyway.
“It was definitely Lawrence. Like, home. I don’t know how I know, but I just do.
“And the window was open, and I knew it was summer, or it was supposed to be, but when I looked out my window, there was snow up to the light posts. Up to my bedroom window. And everything was white; the sky was white, the sunlight was white, there was like this white cloud blanket, pallid, I guess. Colorless. But it was bright; so bright it hurt my eyes.
“Wind was coming in, moving everything in the room - it was a mess, seriously, which is more like you than me, but there were papers everywhere, clothes everywhere, books stacked up, the curtains were blowing out into the room. Half the bed sheets were on the floor. Things were blustering around, getting moved, getting swept out into the sky.
“God, that room. It reminded me so much of you, for some reason. All it needed was some porn mags and I would have known I was in the wrong room. But I wasn’t. I know I wasn’t.
“I left the room and went down the hall; there were two closed doors. One was mom and dad’s room; I knew they were in there, not because I could hear them or anything, but just because they were there. Still sleeping; like an early Saturday morning or something. Not even breakfast time. But they were trapped - they couldn’t get out, They were never going to get out, because of the snow. I stood at the door for a second and listened, but didn’t hear anything, so I just kept going.
“The other door was your room, and it wouldn’t open when I tried the knob. You didn’t answer when I yelled for you. I knew you weren’t in there, but I was yelling anyway. Couldn’t get at the lock, couldn’t kick it down. I didn’t know where you went. It was fear, like, serious fear. Terror. Our parents were gone and you weren’t there and everyone else was buried in the snow and I was alone forever.
“But then it was like, I knew, or something. I knew what to do. I went back to my room, back to the window, and right across the yard was another house, with another open bedroom window, and I could see you inside, sleeping. It was definitely your room, just by the color. Black walls. You think you’re so badass. You looked warm, you know? Cozy, completely unaware. Whatever. And I was trapped in the house with no one.
“I went downstairs to the back door, opened it, it was stacked with snow. I dug this tunnel, like forever, but it happened so fast, it was just there. I dug through the ice, with what? My hands? A shovel? My soul, I don’t know. But it was this slippery blue drafty tunnel that went right next door into your house.
“I went right over there and it was empty too, except for you. I woke you up, showed you the snow. You had these huge jackets, with fur, we pulled the hoods over our heads and laughed at each other. You looked so young, Dean. But still like you, still had that - whatever, that strength about you. Like you knew what to do, and you did. We put on the jackets, we closed the windows.
“It started to get dark, and we had to go outside. No one was there; we were alone. Everyone else was gone.
“The streets were clear, somehow. But only with these tiny trails; like a snow blower making this windy path that goes all the way up through two stories of snow. But I wasn’t afraid of it falling, or anything. It was safe, like ice caverns that had been there for centuries, frozen through, permanent. It was so narrow I had to walk behind you; I held onto the back of your jacket like I was going to get lost. Like it was those four hours in Disneyland all over again - remember that? That was. Well, anyway.
“There was this really loud sound coming from the sky; a drone, really. Like a tea kettle whistling, or maybe like that really high-pitched buzz that comes from power lines. Whatever it was, it was steady, and hurt my ears, and made the air move.
“So we’re walking through town, I think towards the interstate, or the community pool, and there are these flashes all around us, like fireflies? But they were stars. Tiny, white, and eye-burning bright. We squinted; you had sunglasses, obviously, and we had these huge glass jars. Filled them with stars, and then put the lids on, and used them to light the way home.
“We went back to your house, not ours. Ours wasn’t there anymore. Mom and dad and the whole house, just disappeared. There wasn’t anything there, I don’t think; not even space. It just wasn’t, anymore.
“We put the jars under the comforter, made this fort out of the bed, and then sat underneath with our huge parka hoods on. It was bright under there, and warm. The stars gave off heat like a fire. And it made my heart like vibrate, like it was charging. Like the light was feeding us, too.
“And then you asked me how I was, the way you do, you know. How ya holdin’ up, Sammy? and I just started to cry, because I said, I don’t remember our parents. And I was asking you their names, and what mom looked like, and where dad worked. And you didn’t answer, and I knew it was because you couldn’t remember them either. They were gone gone. Like, just, they never even happened.
“I woke up around then, somewhere sandwiched between the star fort and our parents being gone. And Jess - Jessica, she’s my - she’s this - she’s my girlfriend, she didn’t hear me; just slept right on like I hadn’t just had the most insane moment of my life.
“I felt alone, you know? That way you do when you wake up in the middle of the night and no one’s there but you really can feel that no one’s there, that you’re alone, deep down inside, you know? I love Jess, Dean. I want to marry her. But sitting there next to her, watching her sleep, and feeling this bottomless pit inside, something happened. Something clicked.
“She’ll never understand. I’ll never want her to know. I’ll never let her into that part of me, and that part is so much of me that I can’t pretend it isn’t there. I’m stuck; I don’t want it, but it’s there, and it always will be. And if I can’t let it out, if I can’t live it, or talk about the things that have happened, or the fear we’ve felt, then I’ll always feel this burning fucking feeling of alone.
“So I left. Kissed her shoulder, left a note, I’m such an asshole. I hitched for a while, got myself to Caleb’s. I knew he’d tell me where you were. Guy’s a sucker for me, still thinks I’m a chubby twelve-year old who doesn’t know ass from elbow. He set me up with a ride, and here I am.
“I know I haven’t been the greatest, I know you probably can’t even stand the sight of me; I’ve been watching you grind your teeth for the last ten minutes. But I’m here, okay? I got myself to you. That should count for something. I want back in. I’ll do whatever I need to, I’ll prove myself to you.
“I can’t - I just. I had that bizarre dream and all of the sudden, I missed it. All the good parts. I missed the hunting, the driving, sleeping in the backseat of the Impala, staring at the tree line, being free, in a way.
“I missed my idiot brother. My family. I can’t stop having mental images of this thing that never happened, us just making a childhood out of snow tunnels. We missed a lot. I don’t know why we’d want to miss anymore than we already have.
“Let me back in. I want in. For good.”