where i've been!
GUYS omg guys. i miss lj and fandom and being part of this community, i miss writing fic, reading fic, commenting, doing community stuff, looking at picspams, obsessing, vegging, yapping, doing music memes, sharing illegal zip files, I MISS FANDOM SO MUCH YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW. omg i miss you. omg.
okay
so i wanted to say hi, and write this, as an update, the rest is all going to be bullshittery and nonsense details and who cares really, but the point is, i am planning on coming back soon, i am stuck and backed up on nz charity fics and STRESSING THEM but i am planning on writing them, i am planning on being obsessed with season 7, and like, just. fandom. i wants it. sob.
things:
WELL i don't even know. okay. i feel like i have been on an insane manic high, and have been waiting to come down from it, since APRIL. like, i have so much energy i don't even know what to do with myself. i keep calling it mosquito mind -- like, imagine this high-pitched persistent hum, that is my brain, all the time, every second, from when i wake up to when i collapse into bed listening to painted_pain's or candle_beck's podfic through my dreams.
i feel like this has been a year of LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES, and i have been doing a massive amount of soul searching, and transforming, but 90% of it is internal, i am a different person, and just spending a lot of time thinking about the types of people i want in my (real) life, how i want to be spending my time, and what types of goals and work and projects i should be pursuing.
for months i had not been able to write. pretty much after i finished page-turner in december i was empty. everything after that was a struggle, and then there was a grinding halt, and just, empty space. no write. zero writes. not even in the paper journal.
so for a while i was dead depressed confused weight. then what happened was, i fueled all that energy and obsessive control/perfection fuckery into working out, and dropped 25lbs, and was able to feel a sense of purpose and accomplishment and productivity, even though i was pretty much in agony over not being able to write anything. once i found a way to constructively occupy myself the disturbing absence i felt lessened a bit; i worked my 70-hour weeks and did my obsessive gymming, and trucked along, really. busy, purposeful, doing stuff, very good.
and in my downtime i literally just; okay what is the word. STUFFED MYSELF, WITH, THINGS. INFORMATION. like. obsessively reading -- magazines, lit anthologies, fiction, poetry, writing instruction, biographies, boston globes, mother jones -- listening to new bands, listening to audiobooks and podfic and podcasts and broadway shows and playlists. usually three or four at a time. i'm a mess, i just like, need more things. there isn't enough time in the world for me to get it all in, to process it, and then be inspired by it
so through all of this activity and being engaged with life and spending time with the right kinds of people and processing a lot of new art and ideas and possibilities i have started writing again. probably toward the middle of july, it hit, and it has been an insaaaane outpouring, a lot of it nonsensical, borderline hypergraphic, pages and pages and pages. it has mostly been writing practice and journaling, and i have been processing a lot of like, DEEP-SEATED PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES THAT I HAVE, as if it's fun, and weirdly have become obsessed and also disturbingly comfortable and close with some awful things i've gone through. and so for the last four weeks or so i have been feeling ridiculously raw, and bare, and i don't know -- freed by truth, or something, like, being honest with yourself is pretty much the deepest experience a person can have and i have not been able to come out of that place yet. all cozy with my ISSUES and stuff.
i am glad inspiration is back, and i hope after i am off skywriting and being crazy and writing down every single thought that passes through my brain there will be some peace, and i will be able to direct myself in some way, to more productive projects (FIC FIC FIC). but right now my sense is to not reel it in, to just let it spin out on its own, because i think i have a lot of things i want to address ! and hopefully once i address them all i will figure out HOW TO SAVE THE WORLD AND ALSO HOW TO NOT HAVE A JOB. which are my two main goals in life. wish me luck on those.
anyway sorry this is a sloppy mess, and that i am totally just out of my skin and not around, but man let it be known that 1) i am REALLY ENJOYING where my head is right now, 2) i hope it ends soon so i can come back to fandom and have some writing and be involved again :D
i hope yall are well, i miss you like the dickens, for realsies. daaaamn i hope i get my shit together soon! i feel like it's gonna be soon! FANDOMMMM my heart <3
ps) i have a funny story about how my bff and i went to an old 97's concert and we were three people out from the stage and i picked a fight with a guy and got shoved and dumped drinks on him and pretty much made a right fucking scene. ALL DECISIONS MADE COMPLETELY SOBER. GIRL POWER etc. don't let strange men touch you, ladies. it ain't okay. i say that now. at the time, my very belated thought was, well, i just got myself into some shit, here. uh oh. HAHA. oh man it was dumb. and amazing.
okay
so i wanted to say hi, and write this, as an update, the rest is all going to be bullshittery and nonsense details and who cares really, but the point is, i am planning on coming back soon, i am stuck and backed up on nz charity fics and STRESSING THEM but i am planning on writing them, i am planning on being obsessed with season 7, and like, just. fandom. i wants it. sob.
things:
WELL i don't even know. okay. i feel like i have been on an insane manic high, and have been waiting to come down from it, since APRIL. like, i have so much energy i don't even know what to do with myself. i keep calling it mosquito mind -- like, imagine this high-pitched persistent hum, that is my brain, all the time, every second, from when i wake up to when i collapse into bed listening to painted_pain's or candle_beck's podfic through my dreams.
i feel like this has been a year of LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES, and i have been doing a massive amount of soul searching, and transforming, but 90% of it is internal, i am a different person, and just spending a lot of time thinking about the types of people i want in my (real) life, how i want to be spending my time, and what types of goals and work and projects i should be pursuing.
for months i had not been able to write. pretty much after i finished page-turner in december i was empty. everything after that was a struggle, and then there was a grinding halt, and just, empty space. no write. zero writes. not even in the paper journal.
so for a while i was dead depressed confused weight. then what happened was, i fueled all that energy and obsessive control/perfection fuckery into working out, and dropped 25lbs, and was able to feel a sense of purpose and accomplishment and productivity, even though i was pretty much in agony over not being able to write anything. once i found a way to constructively occupy myself the disturbing absence i felt lessened a bit; i worked my 70-hour weeks and did my obsessive gymming, and trucked along, really. busy, purposeful, doing stuff, very good.
and in my downtime i literally just; okay what is the word. STUFFED MYSELF, WITH, THINGS. INFORMATION. like. obsessively reading -- magazines, lit anthologies, fiction, poetry, writing instruction, biographies, boston globes, mother jones -- listening to new bands, listening to audiobooks and podfic and podcasts and broadway shows and playlists. usually three or four at a time. i'm a mess, i just like, need more things. there isn't enough time in the world for me to get it all in, to process it, and then be inspired by it
so through all of this activity and being engaged with life and spending time with the right kinds of people and processing a lot of new art and ideas and possibilities i have started writing again. probably toward the middle of july, it hit, and it has been an insaaaane outpouring, a lot of it nonsensical, borderline hypergraphic, pages and pages and pages. it has mostly been writing practice and journaling, and i have been processing a lot of like, DEEP-SEATED PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES THAT I HAVE, as if it's fun, and weirdly have become obsessed and also disturbingly comfortable and close with some awful things i've gone through. and so for the last four weeks or so i have been feeling ridiculously raw, and bare, and i don't know -- freed by truth, or something, like, being honest with yourself is pretty much the deepest experience a person can have and i have not been able to come out of that place yet. all cozy with my ISSUES and stuff.
i am glad inspiration is back, and i hope after i am off skywriting and being crazy and writing down every single thought that passes through my brain there will be some peace, and i will be able to direct myself in some way, to more productive projects (FIC FIC FIC). but right now my sense is to not reel it in, to just let it spin out on its own, because i think i have a lot of things i want to address ! and hopefully once i address them all i will figure out HOW TO SAVE THE WORLD AND ALSO HOW TO NOT HAVE A JOB. which are my two main goals in life. wish me luck on those.
anyway sorry this is a sloppy mess, and that i am totally just out of my skin and not around, but man let it be known that 1) i am REALLY ENJOYING where my head is right now, 2) i hope it ends soon so i can come back to fandom and have some writing and be involved again :D
i hope yall are well, i miss you like the dickens, for realsies. daaaamn i hope i get my shit together soon! i feel like it's gonna be soon! FANDOMMMM my heart <3
ps) i have a funny story about how my bff and i went to an old 97's concert and we were three people out from the stage and i picked a fight with a guy and got shoved and dumped drinks on him and pretty much made a right fucking scene. ALL DECISIONS MADE COMPLETELY SOBER. GIRL POWER etc. don't let strange men touch you, ladies. it ain't okay. i say that now. at the time, my very belated thought was, well, i just got myself into some shit, here. uh oh. HAHA. oh man it was dumb. and amazing.