...and so it is, just like you said it would be....
so, these past few weeks have kind of been a blur.
i liked it better at oxnard i think. people aren't so fake there and it was just easier to have friends. i wasn't surrounded by these people that i have known most of my life. i mean, they still dont like me and i dont really know how to like them. and the people that i am friends with, the ones i kept in touch with, they dont seem to want me. their lives have gotten along fine without me in them, so why change things i guess. i dont know, i almost feel shunned, but other times i feel like i had never left. things are hard. all i know is i love them to death, but things are so different. i dont know if i can handle it.
i am sick of my house. if i dont get out soon, im going to start again and this time ill finish it. i am so sick of trying to put things back together with my mom in the background screaming she wished she never had me. i cant stand it anymore. i started smoking so i wouldnt cut, but now i have quit and things are getting bad again.
this is why i dont believe in any kind of higher power or whatever. i used to believe, but when things started getting really badat home, i knew that there was no god. how could he let a helpless child go through what i went through? i used to pray every night, blessing everyone in my family. but now the only time i pray is when i am trying to keep myself sane enough to drop the knife. it scares me,. i scare me. i have no self control what-so-ever, and i hate it. i think thats why i am mean to people, because they have all this freedom and love and need from their parents, and i am jealous. i want to have a loving family. but most of all, i just want to have a family.
this isnt one of those entries where i am trying to make people feel bad for me, i could care less if you do feel bad. i just want to make things known.
i hate how i still miss him after all of this bullshit. i hate how i cant hate him. but most of all i hate how he still calls me, trying to get me to come live with him. telling me that he was "such an idiot for letting me go". it makes it that much harder for me to let him go. and i really want to. but every time i try to forget about him, i get a letter or a phone call. it's so hard to get away from him and his disgusting lies...
these words
with no replies
stopping we's
and starting I's
this need
is killing me
and taking me over
i wanted to mean everything to you
but this isnt right.
you keep coming back disassembled
and i keep losing this fight.
i was always told that "it's going to get bad before it gets better". and i was usually told this right when everything was about to fall apart. one thing after another, and i felt like there was absolutely no hope. it's the truth though. i know what it's like to love someone so much and have things just continue to fall apart and just not work. and it should be easy, but nobody ever said love wsa easy. and if they did, they were fucking morons. because it's not. i am not the best at explaining things, or consolation especially, but i am here none the less, telling everyone, that love sucks and stay the fuck away from it.
well, i think that that is all for today pals.
i will keep you posted on shit in my life.
<3 aubrey
song of the day:
Aim Snap Fall - the spill canvas
Aim, snap, fall
The bitter wind weaved it's way
through the trees so tall
Colors invading sight
I think I've found my new addiction tonight
The phone call
Left me paralyzed from the waist down
the pureness of it all
And then your siren began to sing
I know this may be redundant
but I think it bares repeating
I think I've found my other half
I swear I've found my better half
I think I've found my other half
I swear I've found my better half
I think I've found my other half
I swear I've found my better half
Here we go
i liked it better at oxnard i think. people aren't so fake there and it was just easier to have friends. i wasn't surrounded by these people that i have known most of my life. i mean, they still dont like me and i dont really know how to like them. and the people that i am friends with, the ones i kept in touch with, they dont seem to want me. their lives have gotten along fine without me in them, so why change things i guess. i dont know, i almost feel shunned, but other times i feel like i had never left. things are hard. all i know is i love them to death, but things are so different. i dont know if i can handle it.
i am sick of my house. if i dont get out soon, im going to start again and this time ill finish it. i am so sick of trying to put things back together with my mom in the background screaming she wished she never had me. i cant stand it anymore. i started smoking so i wouldnt cut, but now i have quit and things are getting bad again.
this is why i dont believe in any kind of higher power or whatever. i used to believe, but when things started getting really badat home, i knew that there was no god. how could he let a helpless child go through what i went through? i used to pray every night, blessing everyone in my family. but now the only time i pray is when i am trying to keep myself sane enough to drop the knife. it scares me,. i scare me. i have no self control what-so-ever, and i hate it. i think thats why i am mean to people, because they have all this freedom and love and need from their parents, and i am jealous. i want to have a loving family. but most of all, i just want to have a family.
this isnt one of those entries where i am trying to make people feel bad for me, i could care less if you do feel bad. i just want to make things known.
i hate how i still miss him after all of this bullshit. i hate how i cant hate him. but most of all i hate how he still calls me, trying to get me to come live with him. telling me that he was "such an idiot for letting me go". it makes it that much harder for me to let him go. and i really want to. but every time i try to forget about him, i get a letter or a phone call. it's so hard to get away from him and his disgusting lies...
these words
with no replies
stopping we's
and starting I's
this need
is killing me
and taking me over
i wanted to mean everything to you
but this isnt right.
you keep coming back disassembled
and i keep losing this fight.
i was always told that "it's going to get bad before it gets better". and i was usually told this right when everything was about to fall apart. one thing after another, and i felt like there was absolutely no hope. it's the truth though. i know what it's like to love someone so much and have things just continue to fall apart and just not work. and it should be easy, but nobody ever said love wsa easy. and if they did, they were fucking morons. because it's not. i am not the best at explaining things, or consolation especially, but i am here none the less, telling everyone, that love sucks and stay the fuck away from it.
well, i think that that is all for today pals.
i will keep you posted on shit in my life.
<3 aubrey
song of the day:
Aim Snap Fall - the spill canvas
Aim, snap, fall
The bitter wind weaved it's way
through the trees so tall
Colors invading sight
I think I've found my new addiction tonight
The phone call
Left me paralyzed from the waist down
the pureness of it all
And then your siren began to sing
I know this may be redundant
but I think it bares repeating
I think I've found my other half
I swear I've found my better half
I think I've found my other half
I swear I've found my better half
I think I've found my other half
I swear I've found my better half
Here we go