Mental health 1
Tangible record of my mental health for the use in tracking executive function, presence, effects of medication, and progress on maintaining healthy tether to body and mind.
Effects of new medication (Zoloft) decrease feelings of depression, but so far leave anxiety response unchecked. Massive increase of executive disfunction. Lost most of the month of April, cannot remember most days, culminated in loss of control of emotional response which triggered conscious examination of behavior. Even after realizing I had lost a grasp of reality, I didn't fully realize my disassociation until I had a mental "break", which just seems to be me amping up and losing sleep until my brain is then faced with the reality that I had been absent for long swathes. Obviously this is very traumatic, and feels like a hallucination, because losing weeks of your life doesn't feel like reality.
I had been contemplating my absent behavior, but it extended beyond my recollection, and I now recognize that familiar defensive responses to anxiety (and losing sleep) have been emerging, which causes me to be extremely aggressive subconsciously. This is behavior that I first addressed with my child, and caused extensive damage to our relationship and their mental health,and what started me on my path to recovery. It is also the behavior I see in my father, which makes it a particularly difficult thing to address, because I'd rather die than be like him, but here we are.
Current mental health is mediocre. I feel present, focused, and clear in this moment, but I can also feel the pull of disassociation, and as of yet I have been powerless to stop it's grip. While I had control I ordered Modafnil, which has been shown to help with ADHD and executive function in several studies, and is a dopamine re-uptake inhibitor, and drug abuse history has suggested that dopamine antagonists relieve the paralyitic effects of anxiety, while also increasing base anxiety due to stimulant properties. Modafnil has no effect on stimulating the central nervous system, so my hope is that it may increase dopamine responses to every day reward activators, like eating, sleeping, and loving my friends and family, and reduce the effectiveness of reward seeking behavior I exhibit with things like video games, or new and exciting ventures, or creating intense dramatic narratives, while simultaneously avoiding the negative impact on anxiety that traditional adhd medication would cause (stimulants, including caffeine). I believe the combination of reward seeking, and anxiety, lead to a positive feedback loop that often trap me in a cycle.
I will try to check in daily with my mood and my memory of previous days. For now, I am not seeking meaningful ways to alter my behavior, as I want to obtain medication (increased dose of Zoloft and Modafnil) and set a baseline for behavior. I expect this journal to be primarily updated when I am present, or in moments of crisis, and much less frequently when my symptoms are exasperated.
I can lie to others, I can pretend my actions are justified, and I know better. That I have it under control.
Well, Umbra, you can't fucking lie to yourself. Checkmate you asshole.
Effects of new medication (Zoloft) decrease feelings of depression, but so far leave anxiety response unchecked. Massive increase of executive disfunction. Lost most of the month of April, cannot remember most days, culminated in loss of control of emotional response which triggered conscious examination of behavior. Even after realizing I had lost a grasp of reality, I didn't fully realize my disassociation until I had a mental "break", which just seems to be me amping up and losing sleep until my brain is then faced with the reality that I had been absent for long swathes. Obviously this is very traumatic, and feels like a hallucination, because losing weeks of your life doesn't feel like reality.
I had been contemplating my absent behavior, but it extended beyond my recollection, and I now recognize that familiar defensive responses to anxiety (and losing sleep) have been emerging, which causes me to be extremely aggressive subconsciously. This is behavior that I first addressed with my child, and caused extensive damage to our relationship and their mental health,and what started me on my path to recovery. It is also the behavior I see in my father, which makes it a particularly difficult thing to address, because I'd rather die than be like him, but here we are.
Current mental health is mediocre. I feel present, focused, and clear in this moment, but I can also feel the pull of disassociation, and as of yet I have been powerless to stop it's grip. While I had control I ordered Modafnil, which has been shown to help with ADHD and executive function in several studies, and is a dopamine re-uptake inhibitor, and drug abuse history has suggested that dopamine antagonists relieve the paralyitic effects of anxiety, while also increasing base anxiety due to stimulant properties. Modafnil has no effect on stimulating the central nervous system, so my hope is that it may increase dopamine responses to every day reward activators, like eating, sleeping, and loving my friends and family, and reduce the effectiveness of reward seeking behavior I exhibit with things like video games, or new and exciting ventures, or creating intense dramatic narratives, while simultaneously avoiding the negative impact on anxiety that traditional adhd medication would cause (stimulants, including caffeine). I believe the combination of reward seeking, and anxiety, lead to a positive feedback loop that often trap me in a cycle.
I will try to check in daily with my mood and my memory of previous days. For now, I am not seeking meaningful ways to alter my behavior, as I want to obtain medication (increased dose of Zoloft and Modafnil) and set a baseline for behavior. I expect this journal to be primarily updated when I am present, or in moments of crisis, and much less frequently when my symptoms are exasperated.
I can lie to others, I can pretend my actions are justified, and I know better. That I have it under control.
Well, Umbra, you can't fucking lie to yourself. Checkmate you asshole.