New Moon Review (Also known as "I only Like Alice.")
I'm going to write about it because I have to. I'm going to write about it because it's so ridiculous. I'm going to write about it because I LAY SICK IN MY BED, NEEDING TO TAKE OUT MY SICKLY ANGER ON SOMETHING. And how appropriate that it's New Moon! I actually watched it.... what, about a week ago?And only now do I really have a chance to write down what I think about it.
Oh, how fun this will be.
BEFORE WE START.
I DID NOT LIKE THIS SOUNDTRACK. AT ALL. The first one was alright, but the use of Muse really was cheesy and overdone, and you could get by with it. BUT THIS ONE?! There were WOLVES chasing someone through the forest, and all we get is some irritating MOANING. And not cool like "Where the Wild Things Are." Like "you just got out of bed and need some Foldgers ASAP" moaning. And the pop songs. JDKLJFSHFJKDSHAAF.
LET'S GET STARTED~!
Okay, so we start off with Bella having a dream about how she's going to become an old grandma, while Edward stays the same *cough* dreamy self that he is forever and ever (cause, y'know, vampires don't age and stuff.) She expresses a desire to him about wanting to become a vampire so that she will never age with him, and he properly refuses, saying that it will "empty her soul" or something. (Telling by your lack of personality Edward, I can actually believe that.) The fact that a 109-year-old vampire is interested in an emotionally immature girl 90 years younger than him apparently doesn't bother her.
AND HERE'S MY FIRST PROBLEM WITH THE MOVIE. Bella, the main protagonist throughout the whole movie, is having a midlife crisis at the ripe old age of 18. I can understand the fact that you really don't want to wait and you be like 40 when he finally decides to bite you and turn you, but this desire is both completely selfish and unfair to everyone else around her. Why?. She’s worried about getting old, fat, and wrinkly like everyone else and man, that’s just not fair! Why should Edward stay young and dreamy for all eternity, and not ME? ME, ME, ME! I mean FORGET your loving and loyal father who would do anything for you and kill anyone for you, and your friends at school who actually are interested in you, (but then again she probably doesn't care about them too much so we can leave them out of the equation), and live life forever as an immortal who can watch people around you die while YOU CHEAT DEATH and live forever with your pasty lover! Oy.
Next, the plot finally arrives. So what is the plot? Because of a paper-cut Edward leaves Bella.
Let me rephrase that. *ahem* Because of a piece of paper the main character abandons the love of his life in the middle of a forest... The love of his life...the meteor that burned his eyes (more on that later) and he leaves her because of a paper cut. Sure sure, you can argue with me because he's just got freaked from Jasper - the crazy, twitchy on the verge of murder Chihuahua of the group who tried to kill her because of said paper cut - but he could have EASILY been calmed down. Instead of - oh, I don't know - FLINGING HER AROSS THE ROOM LETTING HER SMACK INTO A PIANO. Heck, Edward could've even BEAR HUGGED him into submission! Super strength? hello? Okay, guess not.
So anyway, yeah. He leaves her in a forest where she pretty much runs around screaming "EDWARD EDWAAORD" and such, trying to find him. Well gee honey, DID YOU THINK ABOUT LOOKING AT HIS FREAKING HOUSE. Super speed or not baby, it'll take him and his family a while to pack!
So then Jacob brings her back to her father, who's been freaking out that she had died or something, and she pretty much has. For like the next three months, we get this montage of how she's had a "hole punched in her chest" and this camera shot of her going around a chair, watching the world below. And trust me, that camera shot makes it feel like months. At night, she cries and screams for Edwaorrd, waking up her poor, undeserving father. She becomes a social recluse as well, putting the icing on the emo cake.
At this point, I am thoroughly shocked, appalled, and disgusted by Bella's behavior. I had to actually pause the video and reel in over what kind of idiot this girl was. I mean, CRYING AND SCREAMING AT NIGHT?! BECAUSE YOUR BOYFRIEND'S GONE?! GET OVER IT!!!! Throughout the movies she displays a neediness and selfishness that verges on sociopathic, almost as if she can’t even begin to comprehend the feelings of others as she leaves misery and broken hearts in her wake- and not just of her potential lovers (both Edward and Jacob). Think about her father, Charlie, and all the melodrama he has to put up with. She regularly comes home battered, bruised, and beaten, but answers his honest concerns only with lies. She disappears into the woods, collapses from exhaustion and exposure, causing him to mobilize a town-wide search for her dead body, and returns with absolutely no explanation. If I was there I would've just thrown a Bible at her and said "HERE'S SOME SUBSTANCE. READ IT." Her hopeless, helpless, woe-is-me attitude veers beyond mere misogyny and becomes truly face palm worthy.
Speaking of Jacob, let's just say he' one of the best characters in the whole movie. (And that's not saying much.) He's been one of the friends that Bella has been ignoring since she got a boyfriend, and he readily takes this oppertunity to move in on her and - in a shocker - genuinely starts to fall for her. He tries to care for her, console her, and actually does really nice stuff for her (ie takes her to movies, and just genuinely tries to nurture her.) In my opinion, much more than Edward ever did for her. AND HERE WE SEE THAT BELLA IS THE MOST UN-FEELING INSENSITIVE CHARACTER IN LITERATURE EVER. While she says how "alone she is" and "how much she misses Edward, and is telling all of this to Jacob, she is toying with his abs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
So then she pretty much becomes an adrenaline junkie, riding bikes and junk, because evidently whenever she does something completely idiotic dangerous, an Obi-Wan kenobi type of spectre comes up and Edward goes like "run" or "don't do that." or something. I try to imagine if she went to like Burger King or something and ordered a 1/2 pounder Edward would appear and go "DON'T BUY THAT; TOO MANY CALORIES" or something. I can't even express how stupid, derranged, and idiotic that is, so I'll put a quote in off my favorite reviewer:
"Think about her friends and her mother, whose lives would be devastated if her suicidal thrill-seeking ended her life. Does she care? No, because she can’t see beyond her own needs, acting for months like a petulant child denied her favorite toy. When it becomes clear that becoming a vampire would call off the truce between the Cullens and the werewolves, does Bella care that her incessant demands to become a vampire would therefore put the Cullens (who she claims to care about) in constant, mortal danger? No. Does she care that people are dying, being torn apart by wolves, sucked dry by vengeful vampires, all because she doesn’t have the good sense to get away from undead monsters? No. Does she care that her dad, who dotes on her constantly (only God knows why) has to clean up after these bodies? No. Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No."
And then there's this subplot about this woman who's trying to trying to kill her, but that pretty much goes nowhere and jumps off of a cliff. Literally. So you don't need to know about that.
And since we need a plot, Edward thinks Bella's dead since she jumped off a cliff (seriously?) and he heads off to Italy to get himself killed (I guess since he's too scared to do it himself - you've been around more than 100 years, I'm sure you've seen different ways to kill yourself.) He goes to Italy and Alice (who I admit I partially like) comes and grabs Bella and she goes "Um Edward be killin' himself :U" and she goes "um ok lol."
And I'm just sitting there like "HE HAS A PHONE DOESN'T HE GUYS?! DON'T YOU HAVE LIKE TELEKINESIS OR SOMETHING TO CONTACT HIM EVEN IF HE DOESN'T ANSWER!?"
Apart from that it's just your carbon-copy cut out of the Bourne Ultimatum, leaving her Father and Jacob clueless. Heck, even Alice expresses more concern for Charlie than Bella does.
So, yeah. Those are my thoughts on Twilight: New Moon. And if there's one thing that this movie has taught me, is this:
~If a boy dumps you and tells you he doesn't love you anymore, he doesn't really mean it. Just beg and destroy your life even more and he'll come back you and love you even more!
Oh, how fun this will be.
BEFORE WE START.
I DID NOT LIKE THIS SOUNDTRACK. AT ALL. The first one was alright, but the use of Muse really was cheesy and overdone, and you could get by with it. BUT THIS ONE?! There were WOLVES chasing someone through the forest, and all we get is some irritating MOANING. And not cool like "Where the Wild Things Are." Like "you just got out of bed and need some Foldgers ASAP" moaning. And the pop songs. JDKLJFSHFJKDSHAAF.
LET'S GET STARTED~!
Okay, so we start off with Bella having a dream about how she's going to become an old grandma, while Edward stays the same *cough* dreamy self that he is forever and ever (cause, y'know, vampires don't age and stuff.) She expresses a desire to him about wanting to become a vampire so that she will never age with him, and he properly refuses, saying that it will "empty her soul" or something. (Telling by your lack of personality Edward, I can actually believe that.) The fact that a 109-year-old vampire is interested in an emotionally immature girl 90 years younger than him apparently doesn't bother her.
AND HERE'S MY FIRST PROBLEM WITH THE MOVIE. Bella, the main protagonist throughout the whole movie, is having a midlife crisis at the ripe old age of 18. I can understand the fact that you really don't want to wait and you be like 40 when he finally decides to bite you and turn you, but this desire is both completely selfish and unfair to everyone else around her. Why?. She’s worried about getting old, fat, and wrinkly like everyone else and man, that’s just not fair! Why should Edward stay young and dreamy for all eternity, and not ME? ME, ME, ME! I mean FORGET your loving and loyal father who would do anything for you and kill anyone for you, and your friends at school who actually are interested in you, (but then again she probably doesn't care about them too much so we can leave them out of the equation), and live life forever as an immortal who can watch people around you die while YOU CHEAT DEATH and live forever with your pasty lover! Oy.
Next, the plot finally arrives. So what is the plot? Because of a paper-cut Edward leaves Bella.
Let me rephrase that. *ahem* Because of a piece of paper the main character abandons the love of his life in the middle of a forest... The love of his life...the meteor that burned his eyes (more on that later) and he leaves her because of a paper cut. Sure sure, you can argue with me because he's just got freaked from Jasper - the crazy, twitchy on the verge of murder Chihuahua of the group who tried to kill her because of said paper cut - but he could have EASILY been calmed down. Instead of - oh, I don't know - FLINGING HER AROSS THE ROOM LETTING HER SMACK INTO A PIANO. Heck, Edward could've even BEAR HUGGED him into submission! Super strength? hello? Okay, guess not.
So anyway, yeah. He leaves her in a forest where she pretty much runs around screaming "EDWARD EDWAAORD" and such, trying to find him. Well gee honey, DID YOU THINK ABOUT LOOKING AT HIS FREAKING HOUSE. Super speed or not baby, it'll take him and his family a while to pack!
So then Jacob brings her back to her father, who's been freaking out that she had died or something, and she pretty much has. For like the next three months, we get this montage of how she's had a "hole punched in her chest" and this camera shot of her going around a chair, watching the world below. And trust me, that camera shot makes it feel like months. At night, she cries and screams for Edwaorrd, waking up her poor, undeserving father. She becomes a social recluse as well, putting the icing on the emo cake.
At this point, I am thoroughly shocked, appalled, and disgusted by Bella's behavior. I had to actually pause the video and reel in over what kind of idiot this girl was. I mean, CRYING AND SCREAMING AT NIGHT?! BECAUSE YOUR BOYFRIEND'S GONE?! GET OVER IT!!!! Throughout the movies she displays a neediness and selfishness that verges on sociopathic, almost as if she can’t even begin to comprehend the feelings of others as she leaves misery and broken hearts in her wake- and not just of her potential lovers (both Edward and Jacob). Think about her father, Charlie, and all the melodrama he has to put up with. She regularly comes home battered, bruised, and beaten, but answers his honest concerns only with lies. She disappears into the woods, collapses from exhaustion and exposure, causing him to mobilize a town-wide search for her dead body, and returns with absolutely no explanation. If I was there I would've just thrown a Bible at her and said "HERE'S SOME SUBSTANCE. READ IT." Her hopeless, helpless, woe-is-me attitude veers beyond mere misogyny and becomes truly face palm worthy.
Speaking of Jacob, let's just say he' one of the best characters in the whole movie. (And that's not saying much.) He's been one of the friends that Bella has been ignoring since she got a boyfriend, and he readily takes this oppertunity to move in on her and - in a shocker - genuinely starts to fall for her. He tries to care for her, console her, and actually does really nice stuff for her (ie takes her to movies, and just genuinely tries to nurture her.) In my opinion, much more than Edward ever did for her. AND HERE WE SEE THAT BELLA IS THE MOST UN-FEELING INSENSITIVE CHARACTER IN LITERATURE EVER. While she says how "alone she is" and "how much she misses Edward, and is telling all of this to Jacob, she is toying with his abs.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
So then she pretty much becomes an adrenaline junkie, riding bikes and junk, because evidently whenever she does something completely idiotic dangerous, an Obi-Wan kenobi type of spectre comes up and Edward goes like "run" or "don't do that." or something. I try to imagine if she went to like Burger King or something and ordered a 1/2 pounder Edward would appear and go "DON'T BUY THAT; TOO MANY CALORIES" or something. I can't even express how stupid, derranged, and idiotic that is, so I'll put a quote in off my favorite reviewer:
"Think about her friends and her mother, whose lives would be devastated if her suicidal thrill-seeking ended her life. Does she care? No, because she can’t see beyond her own needs, acting for months like a petulant child denied her favorite toy. When it becomes clear that becoming a vampire would call off the truce between the Cullens and the werewolves, does Bella care that her incessant demands to become a vampire would therefore put the Cullens (who she claims to care about) in constant, mortal danger? No. Does she care that people are dying, being torn apart by wolves, sucked dry by vengeful vampires, all because she doesn’t have the good sense to get away from undead monsters? No. Does she care that her dad, who dotes on her constantly (only God knows why) has to clean up after these bodies? No. Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No."
And then there's this subplot about this woman who's trying to trying to kill her, but that pretty much goes nowhere and jumps off of a cliff. Literally. So you don't need to know about that.
And since we need a plot, Edward thinks Bella's dead since she jumped off a cliff (seriously?) and he heads off to Italy to get himself killed (I guess since he's too scared to do it himself - you've been around more than 100 years, I'm sure you've seen different ways to kill yourself.) He goes to Italy and Alice (who I admit I partially like) comes and grabs Bella and she goes "Um Edward be killin' himself :U" and she goes "um ok lol."
And I'm just sitting there like "HE HAS A PHONE DOESN'T HE GUYS?! DON'T YOU HAVE LIKE TELEKINESIS OR SOMETHING TO CONTACT HIM EVEN IF HE DOESN'T ANSWER!?"
Apart from that it's just your carbon-copy cut out of the Bourne Ultimatum, leaving her Father and Jacob clueless. Heck, even Alice expresses more concern for Charlie than Bella does.
So, yeah. Those are my thoughts on Twilight: New Moon. And if there's one thing that this movie has taught me, is this:
~If a boy dumps you and tells you he doesn't love you anymore, he doesn't really mean it. Just beg and destroy your life even more and he'll come back you and love you even more!