Personal Log 051229.3
Usually I go to bed depressed and wake up not so depressed but today I woke up more depressed than when I went to bed. Sad, but true. The reasons why, as usual escape me. I mean, I had a great time at dinner last night with Arnaldo and Joey - perhaps too great a time. I promised myself I wouldn't let myself crush on anyone anytime soon, especially after clearing my mind of all crushes - FOR ONCE. I know it would end up being healthier for myself not to crush on anyone, and I haven't even decided if I am crushing on someone new right now or not. I'm really trying to keep myself from doing it. Besides, I fear allowing myself to crush on this one could have a negative impact on a friendship I care a great deal about and I don't want to hurt him in anyway. With that in mind, however, I have come to believe that I am less depressed when I have someone to pine away for, even when I realize I will never be with him. Disturbing - possibly, but I always seem to be less depressed and more focused when I at least have someone to occupy my mind and not just an empty void. It doesn't help, though, that those I usually crush on are friends.
I don't believe the object of my depression is limited to the above facts. With not being home as much, home based work is piling up. I still haven't finished taking down the Christmas decorations, much less cleaning the 2nd bedroom for Alex - who starts moving in Saturday. Perhaps, I am putting off the Christmas decoration removal because of the dismal mood I was in for most of the holiday season. I have a TON of E-Bay stuff I need to get listed, including the rims from my Bimmer. I have to break down the server desk and get it ready for the new desk that comes Saturday, yet I have other stuff I need to do piled on top of that too. I'm desporately hoping Michelle can come clean the apartment as that would be a TREMENDOUS help. The problem isn't that I'm never home...well not entirely, but that even when I'm home, I have no motivation to get anything done. I have no motivation because I'm depressed, I'm depressed partially because I have no motivation. I keep talking about how I want to take the time to start building up a client base here in Orlando, yet I don't see how since I can't even seem to get the little day-to-day things done.
I've also been dwelling a lot lately on what my life post-college would entail. Right now I live a very cushy life with minimal financial obligations, thanks to my dad's help. When I graduate his aid ceases and I become 100% independent. Plus, I loose the twice a year scholarship bonus that is always a HUGE welcome gift. Once that happens, I have determined that in order to maintain my current lifestyle and not give anything up, I would need to get a job with a starting salary of nearly $35,000, preferably $37,000 (and that's assuming I don't ever have a car payment, since I don't know - and Maggie BMW isn't going to last forever). Based on information I have gathered from friends around me, getting a job in the IT industry that has that kind of salary isn't very fesible. I think I can probably get pretty close to the 35k mark though with my practical experience, resume and degree. Who knows, I might even decide to do electrical engineering - after all it is what I'm majoring in. My ultimate goal, however would still to be able to work for myself doing IT consulting for small businesses. And plus, I REALLY want to buy a house or condo.
There is a potential light at the end of the tunnel. I know I swore I'd never resort to medication or therapy to resolve my problems, but I think the time has finally come where I need to seek professional help. To that end, my mom has spoken to her shrink about seeing me, and he agreed to do so without referral. The best part - insurance pays for it (co-pay applies of course). So, regardless of whether or not I choose to take something, I don't see how just seeing what my options are could hurt. A lot of people have told me that taking something would yield some not so great side-affects, but it's worth a shot. I'll get his number and setup an appointment for early next month. Well, anyways, I am going to be social at work.
End of Log
I don't believe the object of my depression is limited to the above facts. With not being home as much, home based work is piling up. I still haven't finished taking down the Christmas decorations, much less cleaning the 2nd bedroom for Alex - who starts moving in Saturday. Perhaps, I am putting off the Christmas decoration removal because of the dismal mood I was in for most of the holiday season. I have a TON of E-Bay stuff I need to get listed, including the rims from my Bimmer. I have to break down the server desk and get it ready for the new desk that comes Saturday, yet I have other stuff I need to do piled on top of that too. I'm desporately hoping Michelle can come clean the apartment as that would be a TREMENDOUS help. The problem isn't that I'm never home...well not entirely, but that even when I'm home, I have no motivation to get anything done. I have no motivation because I'm depressed, I'm depressed partially because I have no motivation. I keep talking about how I want to take the time to start building up a client base here in Orlando, yet I don't see how since I can't even seem to get the little day-to-day things done.
I've also been dwelling a lot lately on what my life post-college would entail. Right now I live a very cushy life with minimal financial obligations, thanks to my dad's help. When I graduate his aid ceases and I become 100% independent. Plus, I loose the twice a year scholarship bonus that is always a HUGE welcome gift. Once that happens, I have determined that in order to maintain my current lifestyle and not give anything up, I would need to get a job with a starting salary of nearly $35,000, preferably $37,000 (and that's assuming I don't ever have a car payment, since I don't know - and Maggie BMW isn't going to last forever). Based on information I have gathered from friends around me, getting a job in the IT industry that has that kind of salary isn't very fesible. I think I can probably get pretty close to the 35k mark though with my practical experience, resume and degree. Who knows, I might even decide to do electrical engineering - after all it is what I'm majoring in. My ultimate goal, however would still to be able to work for myself doing IT consulting for small businesses. And plus, I REALLY want to buy a house or condo.
There is a potential light at the end of the tunnel. I know I swore I'd never resort to medication or therapy to resolve my problems, but I think the time has finally come where I need to seek professional help. To that end, my mom has spoken to her shrink about seeing me, and he agreed to do so without referral. The best part - insurance pays for it (co-pay applies of course). So, regardless of whether or not I choose to take something, I don't see how just seeing what my options are could hurt. A lot of people have told me that taking something would yield some not so great side-affects, but it's worth a shot. I'll get his number and setup an appointment for early next month. Well, anyways, I am going to be social at work.
End of Log