I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY

Feb 14, 2005 09:53

ok so yea, Jonathan IMs me a few nights ago and starts talking about this guy he met at PI and had a great time with: how much they danced, how if they were any closer they would have been doing it on the dance floor, how they made out before he had to leave and how it was a shame he had to work in the morning. I'm finding it harder and harder to see those around me all finding happiness of their own, epseiclally people like Jonathan and John both of which being people I have liked at some point along the way. Most of the time, I don't think about being alone that much, in fact I rather enjoy it because of how busy I am...but everytime someone does something like this to remind me of how alone I am. I have people I like, just none that like me back.....I NEED TO STOP LIKING UNATAINABLE GOALS.

Friday I was in one of those moods where I wasn't necessarily depressed, I was just mad at the world. I mean like pissed where the least little thing would set me off. I treated John and Eric like crap because I just wasn't in the mood to deal with them. Besides whenever the three of us are together, I feel like the outsider and the third wheel because of how much those two just seem to click. I just don't do that with anyone. Yet another 3rd wheel situation for me....weeee.

Saturday was ok, I worked from 5:00AM to 6:00PM. The day started off with doing race results for a race at Cocoa High School. It was 36 degrees when I got there and it was soo cold I couldn't even feel my fingers touching the keyboard. I took a quick trip to Wal-Mart to try and buy a little space heater only to find that they already have their summer fans out. WTF!!! The race went without a hitch and the race results were flawless for the first time ever! I took Kristin's computer back to her, helped Coach Scott get things setup, and spent a few hours with Allen from the real estate office get some of his issues resolved. I came home and had a lazy night. I watched a few episodes of Queer as Folk while I waited for John to get home, only to find out that his car is broken down. What does this mean? I get to be his chauffer until John comes and fixes it sometime this afternoon.

This brings us to Sunday! I took him to work in the morning, came home and took a nap. Met up with Eric and a friend of his to have lunch at Applebee's and let John wait on us. I left him a rather large tip (50%). I worked out, did laundry, did homework, etc, etc. John came home and I told him I was planning on going to see Phantom of the Opera at the movie theatre. He said "oh well we could all go" hinting that he didn't want to stay home. Then he tried to talk me into going to P-House which I didn't want to do. So we all agreed to have dinner and go see the movie. Dylan got to the apartment and we all left for dinner. Previously I had set two stipulations for dinner: no pizza and no chinese. Guess where we ended up for dinner: California Pizza Kitchen! I guess I had no say in my choice. It worked out ok though, we had a kick ass waitress and I had this awesome Portobello ravoili.

So mid dinner John desides HE doesn't want to see the movie. I suggest that maybe we go to P-House then because I had made quite clear earlier in the night, I did not want to spend the night in the apartment. Nope, desides he doesn't want to do that, HE wants to go home. Dylan being the person who never seems to give a shit about what happens around him doesn't choose one way or another. At this point, I'm rather pissed off since we had made plans to do something the three of us and I had told Jonathan I couldn't hang out with him since John, Dylan and I were going to hang out. So NOW I have nothing to do, Jonathan has made other plans and no one else wants to do anything because it's now 9:30 at night! So, in my worst possible driving skills and coldest attitude, I rush us home and proceed to plop myself down in the living room as to force them into his room.

It just really pisses me off because I'm seeing our friendship turning into the exact kind of friendship I had with Justin in high school that eventually caused me to resent Justin the way I did. I mean I have no doubt that John considers me a good friend and that he cares for me as such, however, I just think he's become too comfortable with me. I think he's taking for granted that I bend over backwards for those I care about. I think he just assumes now I'll do whatever he needs done or wants done. When the friendship becomes that, that's when we start to have issues. I just feel like he doesn't think I have a life of my own outside of him and I. Granted we live together and we see eachother everyday and do a lot of things together, BUT I want to have a life of my own where I don't have to worry about what John wants today. It would be one thing if we were in a relationship, then none of this would be an issue because that kind of intimacy involves a certain level of compromise. We are not in a relationship, however, and the level of compromise on my behalf that is currently being exhibited is uncalled for and will not continue. Another thing that pisses me off is how I bend over backwards to accomodate him, yet the minute I'm doing something or want to do something that he necessarily doesn't want to do or conflicts with what he does want to do he gets all pissy and defensive. I WANT GIVE AND TAKE! Not take and take.

So, finally we come to Valentine's Day. I got a great night's sleep last night and I'm definately energized for the day, but don't think the day will turn into much. I have no one to hang out with (except for lunch with Jason and Michelle), which means I'll end up at home entertaining Dylan since John will be gone for class and work from 1:00PM - 10:00PM. I'll be damned if I am going to entertain him either. I have homework to do, work to do, so forth and so on. I might actually take myself to see Phantom of the Opera tonight just to get out of the house, since I didn't do it last night.

Who knows, maybe something worth doing will materialize. I just want this day to be over, either way, I'm not going to let myself get depressed over it, I have too much going for me in my life right now. So don't take this entry as an entry of depression, I'm not depressed, just perturbed! I hope those of you who have significant others have a good Valentine's Day.
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