Ya! I am still awake...goddess I hate sleeping.

[gozarkthemad]

I am still working out my issues with sleep. Most of all I am working out the fears in my heart and the weird butterflies I have. I don't know about you guys/ladies out there. But for me I have found someone that shares at least from what I have seen, and read. Allot more in common with me than I like... or want in some ways. I am afraid. I mean scared shit-less. I have been hurt before, and I have not forgotten the pain. Why is it that even when you think you have gotten past it or even beyond feeling anything. It suddenly comes out of the blue and kicks the crap out of you. No I do not mean a slight beating, but a truly awe inspiring beating of biblical proportions. And the only thing left to you is looking into the sky and wondering why...goddess I hate my life sometimes. I have an issue that I cannot seem to shake and I know its my problem and no one else's. But its starting to get to me in a way I have not felt in too long of a time. And it hurts like hell fire. I have talked with several friends and for the most part they either say its cute and or it sucks to be me. Lol. Ya I think the later fits allot better.:) I have found someone that I share more in common with than I like. She is a wonderful person and a talented and skill full writer. And when she smiles it lights up a room. I wish her all the happiness and joy life can give and she can take. But I am also selfish in that I want to be the one to give her that happiness. She knows to a degree how I feel but she does not have those same feelings and thats ok. I have heard of her loss and her pain and I do not blame her. That and I cannot compete with the distance between us, and I do not think I am the right gender.:) But all of that set asides. I have not had it this bad with anyone since I was in high school. Yes I am a hopeless romantic and unfortunately that is not always a good thing. I cannot say with an honest heart that I love her or even in love with her. But yet I am in love with the thought and idea of being in love with her. Ya sappy, so sue me. :P But it takes all that I have not to be a blubbering idiot, and or a obsessive git(asshole, punk, dork, smeghead, eta,eta.) But I have not wanted to be apart of someone life so badly that I cannot think of anything else. And that is not like me at all. I know where she stands on all of this. And thats ok. Well I am a greedy little shit and I want more but I know I cannot have more...Goddess, am I that weak and pathetic...please don't answer that. K? Ty

' I am he who rides the cosmic winds. I am he who hunts the darkness. I am the hunter of the shadows. ' And I have fallen into chaos that I have no control over...please will someone not shoot me...emptiness may be more merciful now than ever.......