Clawing through the darkness.
I see through the chaos. Even if it is only for a brief moment in time. The swirling void of my mind clams for a second. I see light, not a blaze of flashing colors. But honest light. I see friends and loved ones waving at me to join them. I so wish to join them. But I must stay. Inside myself, and away from the outside world. I fear for those who are close to me. I have been fighting a long and troublesome battle within myself. The desire to do what is right and the desire to just say F--K it all. It is hard to even describe it. Think of yourself as two warring fractions. Both trying to master the other. And now if you will, imagine the goal of these two fractions is your mind. And the battle has lasted for several decades. Now you have a small idea of what is going on within me on pretty much a daily basis. Those who are close to me tell me not to worry. Unfortunately I do. They are precious to me and I do not want to see them harmed by anything...especial by me in one form or another. So I hide within me, wrapping my misery, pain, and self hatred around me like a cloak. To hide what I feel. To protect those around me...and to protect myself from myself. I do not know which side will win in the end. So I fight myself again. I will never give in if I still have a say in it...but I am so tired from it as well. I think I will sleep on this and wonder what it would be like to be whole again. Never to fight myself about what is going on in my mind, and within my heart. That would be nice...I hope.