How about a few words from our friend Steven Wright.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
******************
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Driving on the interstate, I saw a vehicle with the license
plate ALT F7. I checked my computer at home, and as I
suspected, it was a WordPerfect command. The truck had to
belong to a plumber. Who else would choose the command
"Flush Right"?
*****************
One of my favorites...
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were
being introduced to other members and shown around. The man
leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair
by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some
hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days
without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had
to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down,
propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how
long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes.
I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever
seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!!
...........I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't
blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out
at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then,
just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"
**********************************
When I asked her to the prom, she just looked at me, giggled
and smiled.
When I asked her to dance, she just looked at me, giggled and
smiled.
When I asked her to move in with me, she just looked at me,
giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to kiss me, she just looked at me, giggled
and smiled.
When I asked her to make love to me, she just looked at me,
giggled and smiled.
When I asked for her hand in marriage, she just looked at me,
giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to bear my children, she just looked at me,
giggled and smiled.
That's when I realized, she was a retard.
**********************************
that's all for today! Enough procrastinatin! I gotta paper to finish!
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
******************
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*
Driving on the interstate, I saw a vehicle with the license
plate ALT F7. I checked my computer at home, and as I
suspected, it was a WordPerfect command. The truck had to
belong to a plumber. Who else would choose the command
"Flush Right"?
*****************
One of my favorites...
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were
being introduced to other members and shown around. The man
leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair
by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some
hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days
without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had
to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down,
propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how
long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes.
I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever
seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!!
...........I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't
blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out
at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then,
just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"
**********************************
When I asked her to the prom, she just looked at me, giggled
and smiled.
When I asked her to dance, she just looked at me, giggled and
smiled.
When I asked her to move in with me, she just looked at me,
giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to kiss me, she just looked at me, giggled
and smiled.
When I asked her to make love to me, she just looked at me,
giggled and smiled.
When I asked for her hand in marriage, she just looked at me,
giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to bear my children, she just looked at me,
giggled and smiled.
That's when I realized, she was a retard.
**********************************
that's all for today! Enough procrastinatin! I gotta paper to finish!