Give people a chance and every once in a while they'll surprise you.
In the almost two weeks since that night on the beach I'd seen Logan five times. We had one last weekend before school started and things got insanely busy for me again with all the assignments and extracurriculars I had, never mind babysitting. But I'd managed to make time for boyfriends in all of that before, so I didn't see any reason why this
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It was almost weird, given that we've only really spent the past two weeks out of the entire time we've known each other getting to actually know each other, how comfortable I feel around him. But this would be what, the sixth time in fourteen days we've spent time together? And we've talked on the phone a few times. Not that my dad knows that... cellphones are great things when you're a teen in the Manning house. All I know right now is if I could just let myself I could trust him with everything that goes on with my dad. I wondered if Logan realised how huge the stuff I'd already admitted to him was for me. Lizzie and I decided a long time ago that we weren't going to tell our boyfriends anything about the way things were at home. I'd kept that firm until tonight. Somehow I just knew he understood better than most... I mean, with what his dad did to Lilly, it's not a stretch to think he'd called Logan every name in the book, made him feel as small and worthless as possible at the very least. That was showing through occasionally... how he felt like he actually deserved the horrible things that had happened to him when it's simply not true. No kid deserved to be hurt the way our fathers had so clearly hurt us.
It was too soon. Way too soon. I couldn't trust him with this yet. I did with pretty much everything else.
"Oh, come on... it's not that bad." I insisted when he said school always seemed like it was in the way, "You seriously don't see any point to school? Even the social aspect?" I asked. It wasn't like he had to go. He was over 18 and his parents weren't exactly around... "Don't you want to go to college or anything?" I asked curiously as we reached the SUV.
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"With Dick, it's like, what you see is what you get. He's not complicated," I told Meg with an edge of a smile. "With you, it's not like you have some form of ADD and I actually feel like my brain is working sometimes, so, it's a good thing. I can keep trying to figure you out." I return her kiss softly, never had a problem with complicated. More than once, I thought it was the better option, and even though I wouldn't specifically call Meg high maintenance or complicated, there were still things in her that were perfect mysteries to me.
We reach the Xterra by the time she starts in on school. I press a button on my key chain to unlock the doors and head around to the driver's seat. "It's pretty bad," I replied, passively, as I went to hook myself in. I've done the social aspect. What did she think the last three years had been for me? It was all about social life - not about school or impressing my parents with excellent grades. I sucked at it because I didn't even feel the need to try. She even starts to ask about college, wondering if I wanted to go. Again, it seemed the same way - a means to an end. "It's just this process you go through to prove you know enough to get a piece of paper that says you're at least suitable for meaningless and repetitive work. And college? Gives you another piece of paper in some sort of specialty. It doesn't guarantee anything and it's certainly not something I call life."
Life was more. I didn't know what yet - possibly because life had seemed pretty dark for the last few year - but it had to be more than just processes and schedule.
"I have no idea what I want to do," I told her honestly. "And I don't think that these are things that'll bring me what I want in the end."
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"Okay, I know our families are pretty well off and all... but don't you want to work towards anything to make yourself independent from them? So you can then begin the process of actually building some sort of life for yourself? You're smart, Logan. That much I know from just the last couple of weeks, no matter what your High School transcript says on it come graduation, you're smart." I told him gently after we both got settled in our seats, "And you're right. There's more to life than school. There's more to life than most of the people in this town seem to believe... there's just a few hoops we have to jump through before we're able to make something better and lasting on our own, that's all."
"And who said you had to decide the whole rest of your life right this very second?" I pointed out. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going yet, either, but there was definitely more to life than the model my parents had provided to me and my sisters. I'd die before I emulated that. "You've got time. Just don't shut any doors on yourself before you do figure it out... that's all I'm saying." I assured him with a soft smile. It probably wasn't that long ago he thought he didn't have a future at all... before what happened the night on the bridge was ruled self defense, but things were different now, and he had the money to do whatever he decided.
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In general, spending my time with Dick was something that I had avoided more or less before. Then Duncan just started to fade away into whatever he was now and Dick was someone - so, it was better than nothing. I hadn't expected much so it wasn't as if my feelings were going to get crushed in any way. Dick wasn't a best friend and I didn't want another one. Generally, the people you get the closest to seemed to be the ones who decided abandoning you was best.
More or less I was living financially independent from my family. Mom had left me the inheritance and I lived in the house for the most part while dad was off in prison and Trina was off doing another movie or appearance somewhere. I was as independent as I wanted to be. When I turned 21 there was another trust fund I could live off of if I so chose or needed to. Meg, on the other hand, I had a feeling didn't have the freedom of money from her parents. As she had said, she had to earn everything she spent.
"The only thing I really share with my family is the last name," I said in all seriousness. Maybe I didn't do everything that seemed like it was an independence from them, but everything I had done in my life was to prove how different I was from any of them. She starts in on how I could build a life for myself and how smart I actually am - all it does is make me uncomfortable.
"I know what you're saying but it's just not my way," I told her finally. Going to school and getting some degree wasn't going to make me any smarter, wasn't going to take away or erase the last few years, and it wasn't going to build anything for me. I was going to have to do that in some other way entirely. "I mean, you've probably always thought of college, university... those sorts of things." I said with a small smile. "People think life and there's this direction and order that everyone seems to follow. I'll do something. And maybe I'll go, but I don't think it's that important to me. Not like it is for other people." Not like it was important to her.
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"I don't know if that's such a bad thing, you know?" I comment softly, "I mean, personally? There are times I kinda wish I could disown my parents. Get as far away from them as I could." Slight understatement. "If I left tomorrow, the only things in any way connected to my parents are my sisters." That was definitely more accurate. But I couldn't do that. I wouldn't leave them. Not in that mess. Not with how things are. Not that I even could. I don't want to know what would happen if I tried to leave right now. After my birthday things would be different.
"Okay. I wasn't trying to push." I replied. "As far as me and University goes... I know my dad'll pay for that. But if I don't go to school next year? I'm completely on my own. I know a degree's not really a promise of a job, but it definitely ups my chances of being able to earn more than minimum wage. Maybe I'll just do the early childhood education program and turn that babysitting thing pro... or maybe I'll go into journalism. I like doing the school newscasts. I don't know... I just know I don't want to spend the rest of my life working at McDonald's or the Sac-n-Pac. And I know my dad's not about to suddenly have a personality transplant and start giving me an allowence or money for living expenses after grad."
I let out a breath, bordering on a sigh, "Sorry, that sounded kind of ranty, didn't it? I just, yeah...unlike most of our -" as I pause to use air quotes, "friends, I'm not about to just get handed a trust fund to live off of until the money runs out, so I kinda actually have to think about how I'm going to afford things after I'm done with school, you know?"
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"There are times" - All the time - "that suing them for malpractice seems like the best option. Or somehow divorcing them from our lives." Malpractice? I wonder how much malpractice it is to be doing your son's girlfriend or leave belt marks across his back - how about chasing your wife and his mother off a bridge to her death? Yeah, there are times. Frequent times.
I look up to Meg as she lists things she's been interested in doing after school. "You know, I always thought you were going to end up being some famous actress," I said with a soft laugh. "I mean, you're always in the plays. You have the anchor job. It just seemed like something you were doing. So, I really doubt you're going to send up working at McDonald's or the Sac-n-Pac."
"And you do know I am like most of our 'friends'," I said, using her air quotes briefly before stopping at the beach. "Maybe you're not going to get handed money to do whatever you want with, but where are the rest of us going to be when that runs out? I mean, Madison is training to be a desperate housewife and Dick is out there betting on dog racing. You're going to actually go somewhere, while everyone else is stuck in second gear."
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"Well, the anchor job would be video journalism, right?" I pointed out, "Not exactly acting." Besides... my dad if I ever told him I was going to theatre school or something? The fact that I'm in the plays is bad enough, except that it's at school and therefore supervised. "And I love kids, so yeah, both would be good. Acting would be fun though. Just not the most stable of jobs." He knew that. I mean, both his parents were movie stars at one point or another. Aaron just happened to make 20 million a picture. Most actors aren't that lucky.
"You have money, sure. The difference being? You're a lot more mature than most of them." I countered when he said he was like most of our so-called friends. On the surface he was, but everything he'd gone through had made him different. He likes having money, likes spending money, but he's not about to blow it all at once like some people in his position would. "You're not going to be flat broke by the time you're 30. And you know? I think I'd rather work at McDonald's than marry someone for the sake of having a secure bank account like we all know Madison will eventually do. Having tons of money's not really important as long as you have what you actually need to live." I told him honestly. The rest was just... icing. All the fancy cars and the cell phones and the laptops... they're so not what's important.
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"Well, we're not living Laguna Beach," I commented to Meg to a small shrug. "But most of the stuff that happens in this town ends up painted all over the news anyway, so... we're close to being some trashy reality show."
I wanted to comment to her that on camera was on camera. It was acting more or less, you just had different lines and different delivery. You were fed what others wanted you to say and you were there because you were a pretty face. At least with acting it required some form of talent - ... usually.
"I have seen the occasional school play. At least you have some shred of preternatural skill." Which was more than I could say for my own father who made millions a picture and kept producing them despite script or subject matter. "Not like I actually promote the acting life. Like you said, you like kids too... that's something." It spoiled people. My entire family were actors and I had to say that sometimes they played their roles to perfection. We all did.
Madison was probably already trying to perfect how to numb herself with Vicodin or anything else. She'd end up getting her pre-nuptial agreement and if she was ever bored with her life she could take the sucker she married for half of what he owned or more. No, I wasn't going to end up like that and sure I'd still have money by the time I was 30 - if I even made it there - but it wasn't as if I didn't fit into the category our peers had created for themselves more or less.
I couldn't help but crack a smile. Meg was like no other 09er out there. She wasn't vain and she'd actually work for what she wanted - as long as it was honest work. "I could never work at McDonald's," I told her, a little amused. And it wasn't even about social status. I just couldn't... work there.
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"So my constantly getting the lead has nothing to do with my social status within the school?" I asked in mock surprise. "How did I not know I actually had skills?" I added, laughing. Sure, part of it me knew it was made easier by the fact that casting the head cheerleader in the lead role could draw ticket sales if only from the guys who featured her in their fantasies and the girls who wanted to be her. It was good business sense in that regard. Thankfully, I made a point of ensuring I deserved it.
"Honestly, as much as I enjoy acting, and as fascinating as journalism is, - which by the way does require research and writing skills in addition to being 'on' for the camera -" I added, complete with air-quotes, "I really do thinking running a daycare or a pre-school is where I'd be happiest. Besides, when I get to a point where I want to have a family of my own, I could keep working and not feel like I'm abandoning them in favour of work or vice versa." I explained. I'd put a lot of thought into this for a senior in high school, but at least my life is well-rounded enough that I'd considered a lot of options. Family is what's most important to me. I'd probably love social work, but I'd be away from them too much. This way I could be a hands on mother and not have to depend on my future husband for everything like my mom does my dad. That independence is something needed in order for me to feel safe, I think.
"I know, I know, with my GPA, I should have loftier goals, right?" I questioned with a smile as one spread across his lips and he admitted he could never work at McDonald's. "Whatever gets the bills paid, right?" Once I left that house, I wasn't going back. I wouldn't survive. I just needed to get Grace out somehow. Lizzie was free in a year or so. She'd be gone the second she turned 18.
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