In the almost two weeks since that night on the beach I'd seen Logan five times. We had one last weekend before school started and things got insanely busy for me again with all the assignments and extracurriculars I had, never mind babysitting. But I'd managed to make time for boyfriends in all of that before, so I didn't see any reason why this
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The thing was that I really liked her. Not just liked her as a friend but liked her more than anyone else in the world at the moment. I liked when she was around, when she smiled, just her general presence. It was still baffling me a little, but I didn't care. I'm not complaining when there's actually one person in the world that still wants me around. It had been more than I could possibly say a few weeks ago.
The things that I've done in these past two weeks, including helping Meg babysit some strange little kid just to be nearby her, still allude me as I'm sure they allude her too. It's not that I was exactly known for generally hanging out around kids and helping others - anything like that.
Today with the movies and her little sister Grace, I think I actually might have started to wonder why I didn't ever do this more often (which actually seems like irrational crazy thinking considering I didn't like it and I'm not sure I even like people most days). I wasn't exactly looking forward to school, but I was looking forward to see her at school.
I'm not sure I've ever seen people laugh so much around me either. Not only was Grace amused by everything that I was doing just to get into her good books, but Meg was laughing too. There was something that was still getting to me though, Grace would look to Meg before doing anything. From picking out candy at the movie theater to just any playing at the park she was looking for approval like it wasn't going to be okay. It was just weird. I couldn't place it, but it got to me.
After Meg dropped Grace off at home we were heading out to dinner ourselves. She's almost bouncing with the way she comes rushing back out to the car. Climbing into the Xterra passenger seat, she leans across to kiss me softly. I cup her cheek lightly to return the kiss as she tells me that I've probably made a friend in Grace for life.
I let out a soft laugh, "Yeah, I think I noticed a little joy - not only in her." Both girls had been bubbling all day, it was hard not to notice.
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Not that I really saw either of us complaining. We were having fun. We were - dare I even think it? - happy with the way things were right now. I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen on Monday, but I had every intention of walking through those halls holding Logan's hand, and whoever had a problem with that was just going to have to learn to deal with it.
"So, thank you. You didn't have to spend the day with us, and you definitely didn't have to go out of your way to get in my baby sister's good books and make today extra special, but it means a lot that you did." I told him. I was also glad that he didn't question Grace's behaviour today. I was sure he was wondering about it, but I really didn't know how to explain it to him. What was I supposed to say? Even if he did understand the behaviour, it's not like I had any way to prove anything. Nobody'd do anything, and things would just be worse in the long run. It's better that he doesn't know.
"So, where are we going for dinner?" I questioned.
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"You're almost acting like it was a chore to go out to the movies with you and your little sister, you know," I teased lightly, laughing, "or did you miss the smile on my face too?" Miss? It was hard to. I couldn't remember myself smiling so much than I have been around Meg.
In fact, I can't actually remember when my life was actually attempting to put itself back together like it was now. It was just feeling more complete than anything. School was starting and I don't even think I'll take the advantage of getting away with staying home. Even though I would go through the hallways with Meg, I'm pretty sure in a lot of ways she didn't know what she was getting into with any rumors of the two of us being together. Then again, Meg had already expressed that she didn't care. I just hoped that lasted.
"So, for dinner, I was thinking Chinese," I told her. "That work with you?"
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"Well, how many guys actually want to take out the little sister of the girl they're still getting to know for an entire afternoon?" I pointed out when he said I was acting like it was a chore to take us to the movies and the park. "But yeah, you really did look like you were enjoying yourself, too." I commented. He'd smiled more genuine smiles in the past two weeks than I could ever remember seeing in the entire time he's lived in Neptune. He smiled, sure, but I was expert enough to tell that most of the ones at school were masks. I was glad I could have a hand in changing that a little for him.
"Don't worry, though, I promise I won't expect you to hang out with Lizzie. There will be no weird, awkward Manning Family game nights." I smirked slightly. Game nights would be pretty much entirely for Logan's benefit if they ever happened. Dad wanted us under his thumb but he didn't want us anywhere in sight most of the time. "Though Grace might want more afternoons in the park, if that's okay?"
"Chinese sounds really good, actually." I smiled when he said that's what he was thinking.
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Generally, I hadn't minded going out with Grace and Meg. She actually admits that I looked like I was enjoying myself and I smirked slightly towards her. "That could be because I was," I reply. "But, yeah, I can't think of many guys who do that sort of thing. Though, I'm sure impressing both of you could have been some key to this whole thing - you know, aside and off the record from the having fun bit."
"So, I'm pretty sure that I don't have any problem in having more afternoons in the park with Grace. She's cute... and, you know, smart. Probably one of the shyest people I know, but I'm not sure that says much considering the people I know," I commented. I had a question on the tip of my tongue about why she'd always been looking towards Meg for permission or support in any choice I had given to her, but I wasn't sure how to approach it without Meg getting defensive - which over the last two weeks or so I've learned is the mode of action when family came up.
I gave a small smile as she agreed to Chinese food and turned the ignition to start the car. "So, um, are your parents really strict or something?" I asked almost passively to her, scratching behind my ear for a brief moment. "Just, it's hard not to notice her looking to you to see if everything's okay. Though, it could be some admiring of older sibling thing, which I've personally never experienced, but heard that it exists."
I kept getting some sinking feeling that there was more than what meets the eye when it comes to her parents. Then again there weren't many decent parents in Neptune. Why start with the Mannings?
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"Well, I'm glad you had fun, too, but why do you need to score points with my little sister?" I asked curiously when he said impressing the both of us was sort of key to the entire afternoon. "I get wanting to look good to me, but I promise you don't have to impress Grace to do that. You don't even have to spend any time with her short of if she happens to open the door when you come to the house unless you actually want to."
It was me he was dating, not my family. And somehow I didn't think winning over both my sisters and our mom would do much in the way of making my dad like Logan. Just because of who his family was. Yet another thing about him and his treatment of others that just doesn't seem fair.
"Uh, yeah, most of the 09ners don't strike me as the shy type, so Grace being one of the shyest people you know doesn't really say much." I agreed, amused, "Nice to know you think she's cute and smart and worth spending time with, though. I'm sure she'll be thrilled." I laughed softly. He sure was paying Grace a lot of compliments when she wasn't around to hear them.
He asked if my parents are strict while he started the car and I had to fight the urge to visibly tense up at his words. I was starting to wonder when he was going to get to cornering me on that topic. I talked about my sisters, but never really my parents if I could help it. "I guess you could say that, yeah." I nodded slightly, "Very religious, and, as a result I guess, strict. My Dad's a big believer in hard work, earning everything you get, in the idea that rules are meant to be followed to the letter, not bent and definitely not broken - even when they're completely unreasonable -" which partly explains Grace's behaviour today. She felt like she was continually accepting gifts that there was no reason for her to be getting, even if dad wouldn't ever find out... "I don't think my mom always agrees, but I don't think she'll ever go against him either. Going along with him has always just been easier." I said, sighing softly. I shouldn't have even told him that much. Logan will want to help, and he'll mean well, but there's nothing he could do anyway, so why get him involved?
"She's just not used to getting spoiled like that is all." I added softly, hoping he'd accept that. It wasn't exactly a lie. It just wasn't the entire truth.
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Family had seemed, on a level, important to Meg. I couldn't explain exactly what it was, but I was sure, without doubt, that was true. I couldn't even explain why I had wanted to score points with both Meg and her little sister, but it seemed imperative at the time. "I really didn't mind, Meg," I insist to her. I smile slightly to Meg when she says that Grace will be thrilled at all the compliments.
My sinking feeling just continued to deepen as Meg - very precisely and carefully - began to describe her parents, her father. I nodded slowly at her words, looking at her briefly before looking back as I pulled the car out and started up towards the main stretch of highway towards one of the local Chinese food places.
There were certain words and terms she said that got to me: big believer, earning everything you get, unreasonable. The fact that I could see, without even knowing her mother, what the husbands of Neptune have beaten into their wives as ideals in Meg's own mother. Hearing it in the fact that going along with her dad has always been easier than going against him, my stomach churned. Then in Meg's final reluctance, she concluded that Grace isn't just used to being spoiled.
I didn't know what to say or what to do. I just felt frozen. I didn't know if I was over exaggerating the situation because of my own - but it sounded the same. It sounded like the same act that I had always heard. It sounded like the words my mother put in my mouth. Don't worry, it was nothing. I could hear it escape from Meg's lips.
"So, what are you in the mood for?" I ask, changing the subject back to Chinese food after a moment of silence. "I mean... meal wise. Like Egg Rolls or something."
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"Okay." I smiled at his insistence that he didn't mind spending time with Grace today. It was moments like this that I'm glad I don't make judgments on people based on gossip. The more I got to know about Logan, the more I liked him and the more I saw that the accepted, 'public' version of Logan Echolls is not even close to who he is inside - who he clearly wants to be.
I glanced over to Logan as he asked what I was in the mood for. Getting us off the uncomfortable subject, which I was thankful for, but the look on his face - it was clear he knew something wasn't quite as right with my family as I wanted everybody to believe. But he didn't look like he knew quite how to react to this information... which doesn't exactly surprise me. I mean, I hadn't been very specific, but most people wouldn't know how to respond to the hint of any kind of abuse, right?
I was more or less okay with it. Old enough to understand it. And Lizzie was dealing in her own way... but Grace? She's not exactly a baby, but she's too little to be able to deal with it on her own, and I'm not always able to help. Not if he won't leave me the option.
"Egg Rolls are always good. Chow Mein, those little breaded chicken balls..." I smiled, answering his question finally. "And of course Fortune Cookies. I'd buy boxes of those things if I could."
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This was the place that always hid behind some sort of mask. Meg had one on and I had one on as we spoke. But from the first day she could tell the difference between a fabricated smile and one true one. The look she has on her face is real, yes, but it's real relief.
I slipped one of my hands from the steering wheel into hers for a moment, intertwining our fingers as we arrived at the Chinese food place.
"I have an idea," I told her, quelling the nervous feeling in the bottom of my gut. "We can just get some food for take out and eat down at one of the picnic tables by the beach." It was more private, less noisy, better atmosphere and I almost didn't want to be around anyone else right now. Just Meg.
I wanted to talk without knowing the words.
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And I had no idea how to satisfy that curiosity without telling him even more that he really shouldn't know. At least he's not pushing. That's something I'm definitely grateful for.
He let's go of the steering wheel with his right hand and reaches over to hold my hand and I smile softly to him as he suggested taking the food down to the beach and having a picnic. "You really love the beach. This is the third time we've done something that put us right by the water." I smirked to him for just a moment, "That sounds nice though." I added, "I'd rather spend some time just us than in a busy, noisy restaurant."
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It was easier down by the ocean. The water just washed everything away. There wasn't anything to worry about if you were floating or if you had sand in your toes. By the beach I was right there in the moment. Sometimes, I think mom thought that way too which is maybe why she thought water was the best place to die in. It was just a thought.
"But, yeah, I'm more thankful for that whole kind of privacy aspect." Considering how much I didn't like people these days it was sort of even a wonder that I had gone to that party that Meg had been it. It was easier being alone. Dealing with myself was better than dealing with others.
We walk into the restaurant, her hand still curled in mine and make our order - waiting for it to finish before we can go.
"You have a place like that?" I ask, curiously.
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"You know, you're kinda hard to pin down... go from charming my little sister and spending the afternoon looking perfectly content to be surrounded by people to bordering on anti-social." I laughed softly, teasing. "Privacy's good, though. Besides, I think we've got some pretty good memories of the beach, don't you?" I asked. After all, our first kiss was there. Our first date that wasn't supposed to be a date. The beach was good.
"I don't think I've ever really thought about it much." I admitted when he asked if I had a favourite place to go. "I just turn wherever I happen to be into my favourite place I guess. I'm generally more concerned with what I'm doing and who I'm with than where I am, if that makes sense?" I shrugged. Most girls would say their rooms if they had one as nice as mine, but having to hide everything from your parents gets kind of exhausting. Having to hide your laptop in a false bottomed drawer to keep your father out of your private files isn't exactly relaxing.
"The beach is gonna start ranking up there, I think." I smiled softly to him as I gave his hand a little squeeze. I was definitely happy I was with Logan. Nothing anyone could say to me would make me think otherwise. Sure we hadn't been dating for very long, but I was happier with him than I had been in months and I was pretty sure he felt the same way.
"So, you ready to ignore all the idiots that are sure you be running their mouths off about things they know nothing about on Monday morning?" I asked, half teasing, "And if it helps? Just remember you're dating the head cheerleader and she couldn't be happier about it." I added, kissing his cheek.
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