it's getting harder and harder to breathe
I was invited, but you never would have guessed it. Dick was off somewhere trying to score with a freshman and the Beav was probably already throwing up an hour into this whole thing (none of us ever expected him to hold his liquor well). Yeah, I was invited to this whole bash - the one Dick called the total blowout before things totally sucked ass
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Canceling them out - writing and erasing them off of my life - was impossible. I was reflected in them and they were reflected in me right back. There were unseen marks all over me just made by them - tattoos permanent in my skin without the needle or black ink. I could feel them there.
"I can't help it if I'm the perfect guy for the job," I replied with a small smile when she told me that she'd been generous to offer me 'president' when she had come up with the idea in the first place. It was almost sad how perfect for the job I was. Ex-friend, ex-boyfriend, ex everything? It worked.
I cleared my throat slightly. "So, my first action as President is this whole fun thing," I informed her with a small hand twirl over the expression 'fun'. Fun; whatever that was.
She mentions her sister Lizzie and I know it right away. She and her sister seemed to practically be opposites. Or like Lizzie was the devil on one of your shoulders, encouraging you to be bad, and Meg was on the other shoulder telling you what was right and wearing white and a glowing halo.
"So, that doesn't include getting tattoos or piercings of any kind?" I asked, mock innocence in my voice. And returning with all your clothing on? I broke a small smile. "I promise, I can be the perfect gentleman," I replied, answering her for myself as I finally turned the key in the ignition and started heading to the nearest Sac N' Pac. "Well, I'm continuing on this slurpie idea, and um... we'll go from there."
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"I'm not sure I want to find out what my father would do if I came home with anything other than my ears pierced, never mind a tattoo." I said, laughing again, but honestly? I couldn't see that ending well in any possible way. Not that I could actually explain what he might do to Logan. That would go against the perfect image that my parents had created. The one that was only slightly marred by Lizzie.
Yeah, if anyone actually said they wished they had my life, I'd probably tell them they could live it if they really wanted to. Not that I wish everything my sisters and I had been through on anybody.
It was almost odd, not having anyone know what things were really like. Cole didn't have a clue, neither did Duncan. Picture perfect family when other people were around. And I'd pretty much perfected not mentioning anything that might make people question that. I knew I shouldn't have to. That I shouldn't be covering for them, but what choice did I have, really? They were my parents.
"Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we?" I smirked for just a moment at his promise that he could be a perfect gentleman, "Frozen, liquid sugar sounds like a good start." I smiled brightly to him.
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Maybe it would be easier if we could just push all this crap out of our heads - fuck the pain away or something. It's my style, but I don't see Meg indulging in rebound like that. In fact, I don't even see Meg indulging in rebound. Meg was the kind of girl who did relationships and not flings. I had a preference too. It was called 'I hope my current girlfriend doesn't end up fucking me over' and usually they didn't actually oblige.
I laugh again, slightly, when she says that she doesn't want to actually find out what her father would do if she came home with anything other than her ears pierced, let alone a tattoo. "Well, let's not find out," I reassure her. For a second, I think I see something more and then it just passes away like nothing. A light flickering then extinguished.
If anything, all parents did something to fuck with their children.
Her lips quirk into a small smirk like she's waiting for me to make a move to prove those rumors right or wrong before she just starts to smile brightly. I just shake my head, a smile unable to wear down as she wears hers. "Yeah, we'll find out," I reply as we head down the road.
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Yeah, I'm surprised I'm goofing around with Logan like this. Back to that hadn't even had a proper conversation of our own free will before tonight, and yet it felt pretty comfortable to be here with him. Huh. Wouldn't have thought that.
But then, he got the whole Duncan thing without me needing to explain it. And he didn't seem to feel the need to question if I was actually afraid of my dad or if I was just using him as an easy excuse to not get talked into anything that might be considered 'bad behaviour' not expected of me by most people. Which was actually kind of nice.
That, and we were just hanging out. Officially this was nothing more and nothing less. The pressure was totally off.
"Completely appreciate that." I smiled to him when he said we shouldn't find out what my dad's reaction to his teasing about more piercings or a tattoo.
"There's that smile again." I said, continuing to smile. Clearly he was enjoying himself at least a little bit. Distracting him was turning out to be much easier than I thought it'd be.
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It's not like I've actually ever really known Meg enough other than to even exist within the same lunch table from time to time. It wasn't like knowing Madison Sinclair from Dick or anything. I'd never really thought about Meg Manning much in my life, but here she was with me - laughing in the seat beside me.
It's a shred nicer than being mocked and feeling completely out of place just because for the last few years your life has been a rollercoaster ride - going up and down and never expecting where your destination might be.
She got some things without words, which was sadly Duncan's fault. She's not about to start taking me down a few notches because in a few moments of insanity I had dated Veronica or that I just happened to be born into a family where life's options consisted of murder and/or suicide.
She comments about my smile when she's the one who was possibly actively smiling in the first place. I shook my head slightly at that, attempting to wipe the smile off my face for a moment in time.
"Yeah, you're one to talk," I commented. I knew it was different. I didn't smile like this. I hadn't cared enough to indulge in a moment of joy until this moment. "It's infectious when you do it," I admitted a moment later as we turned into the Sac N' Pac parking lot, the smile rising back up onto my lips.
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"I tend to smile though just about anything, Logan. Showing I'm upset or hurt gives the person causing it too much of an upperhand." I pointed out logically. I waited until I could make some sort of escape, then cried. It was just easier that way. "You on the other hand? Unless you're showing off, lately you've been scowling. Not that I blame you. I don't. Just, as expressions go? They're almost on oppisite ends of the spectrum."
"'Good' infectious, I hope?" I questioned, air quotes again as he pulled into a parking space, "I know that sounds like a total oxymoron... I just meant, not a bad thing?" I clarified, mirroring his returning smile.
"Got any idea what we're doing once we're completely primed for a sugar high?" I questioned with a smirk. "Or are we still only as far as the slushies in this plan?"
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"And yeah, it's had not to notice you smiling at any given moment of actually seeing you." There'd been very few times that I'd ever seen her without even a small start of a smile on her face. Even when she was going through something she could smile.
"Look, I get the whole emotions can be weaknesses thing. I really do. I just think that there's no point in really pretending anymore. I mean, who am I going to fool. If I smile it's because I'm having some actual form of joy over here," I commented. "It's sort of a 'no bullshit' approach to life. It makes everything just that much simpler. Think that answers your whole question of if it's a kind of good infection?"
The truth was I hadn't really even thought this through much. It was moment by moment, much like everything else.
"We could take a walk on the beach or something with the liquid sugar, unless you had any other ideas to add onto this whole thing?" I offered.
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"You've been paying enough attention to be noticing, have you?" I questioned, cocking my eyebrow slightly when he said it was hard not to notice me smiling at any given moment.
"Who said I was pretending? It's more not giving whoever more things to cut into me with. What would people say if I started being a total bitch to everybody? Much easier to be as diplomatic as possible and then be hurt when it can't possibly make things worse." Veronica may believe revenge was the way to go about things, but there was something to be said for the saying about being able to catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Why was I being so careful to make sure Logan understood what I was trying to say? I mean, what are the odds we're even going to talk to each other after tonight? We're both 09ners, but we're kind of in different parts of that select group.
"I'm glad that if you're smiling it means you're actually happy for the moment though. I might smile a lot, but if you're paying attention you can tell the difference between a genuine one and me being polite or whatever." I added. "And yes, completely answers the question." I smiled.
"Walk on the beach works as long as I retain possession of the coat." I smirked. Frozen drink plus cool wind off the ocean. Yep, the coat was so staying with me if we were doing that. "So, deal or back to the drawing board?"
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She gets almost immediately defensive at the word 'pretending' as it slips from my mouth. It's almost completely out of context to her ears and I shake my head for a moment. "Well, I'm not sure I ever thought you had been pretending... you know, until this moment." I'd been talking about how I faked it. With how uptight she instantly wound at my words, I had to wonder if there was anyone in Neptune who didn't - Meg Manning now included. It put her off, I know that. "We all pretend sometimes, I wasn't implying anything," I shrug.
I was just tired of pretending. That was it. I was tired of it.
Bypassing the whole assumptions bit about each other seemed like the best venue for tonight. There was always going to be more out there - always things people generally wouldn't ever want to see unless they had morbid fascination in private matters that you'd almost always regret knowing.
There were always certain things you could see within people. I'm sure she already could tell the difference between a genuine or sarcastic smile on my end. She'd asked the question for a reason.
I let out a soft breath and nodded towards her when she smirks about needing to keep possession of my coat if we go walking out on the beach. "I think that deal is fair enough," I replied, a small smirk quirking up onto my lips.
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Probably noticing little tells about how life really was that I really wish he wouldn't. I didn't want to have to try and explain it away. Or worse yet explain where they were coming from.
And I so blew it. He makes the comment about pretending and I turn into a total spaz? Right. I really wasn't pretending so much as creatively editing how I talked around people. And that had to match up with behaviour. It wasn't like I wasn't ever honest with myself about how messed up things were.
"Okay." I nod slightly as he says he wasn't implying anything. "I think that most people... they make assumptions about things, about people's lives without really knowing the reality of their situations, and when you add that to the aforementioned other people's perceptions about how they're supposed to be or behave in public, and it just becomes this vicious cycle of living up to an image. It's really hard to know what's real and what's fake." I tried to explain. "That doesn't mean I'm not necessarily how I seem... I'm generally a fairly out-going, happy person. Just things aren't as fairytale perfect as everyone probably thinks they are." I added, my voice a little softer.
I wasn't about to go spilling my guts to him tonight, but I wanted him to know I wasn't putting on some kind of mask or something with him. Just not being overly specific about my home life.
"Well, then I guess we're headed for the beach." I smiled back. "This coat's really comfy, by the way. Sometimes I really do think that while girls might have more choices, guys get all the actually comfortable things."
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Meg genuinely wanted things in her life hidden.
If there were any experts than it would certainly be the people of Neptune. Everyone had a secret. It wasn't even a biased. Some people just hid bigger things than others. I get the distinct feeling that Meg would feel completely ruined if she ever slipped up enough to admit whatever was digging deep inside of her. She was a master at the game. It took a different eye to see that there was even anything that was wrong.
I'm also getting the distinct feeling that Meg's forgotten who she's talking to when she says that sometimes you have to live up to a certain image or expectation in life. Wasn't that what we were? People trying to live up to the goals that we never wanted to take - the roles we had never wanted to be in?
"You've heard the rumors, haven't you? I mean... about me, about my dad, my family?" I asked, my voice probably a little harder than I had intended. "The dreams and realities mix so much that there's no line. The line is blurred. The people of this fine town don't play a role, they become it." I knew enough about acting that I could distinguish some things. I knew well enough.
"Personally, I think things might be a little boring if they were fairytale perfect," I admitted to her as I went to get out with her to get slushies from within the Sac N' Pac.
I cracked a small smile as she insisted that my jacket was comfy - later insisting that guys were the ones who got all the actual comfortable things - "I think I'd have to compare to put my two cents in, but generally... I think I agree that I'd be more comfortable in guy's clothing."
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