hey, it was hkath prompt, SHE is on crack!

[gottalovev]

Girls, that's my Christmas gift for all of you!!!

Title: It ain't easy being green
Pairing: Sawyer/Jack, special appearance of Smokey the monster
Rating: PG for cussing
For: using the prompt “Jack is turned into a frog and has to convince Sawyer to kiss him, not squish him” provided by 
hkath at 
hiatus_stories
Length: roughly 3100 words
A/N: I want to thank the wonderful Sue and 
jenthegypsy a wonderful beta job! *smooches*!

IT AIN’T EASY BEING GREEN

Smokey the Monster was bored. He was twirling around the beautiful trees of his emerald island with the characteristic tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk sound he made when he was looking for something to do. Earlier, he'd gone to Udderville hoping for a distraction, but Ben was too busy for him. Smokey threw a fit and destroyed his shed with much noise and tossing. Not impressed, Ben looked at him through his little round glasses and declared he was acting like a child. Smokey floated into the forest, defeated. You see, Smokey is able to read souls, and he decided when Ben was 5 years old to never make him mad. Some things are too scary, even for a monster.

Smokey's other option for entertainment was to find a corpse and make it disappear or to go taunt one of those generally beautiful people that crashed on his island by plane, boat or balloon every now and then. Floating with renewed energy, he decided that the first person he saw would pay for his crappy day.

He didn't have to look for long as he heard someone walking the newly formed path to the waterfall. Destiny, karma, faith or coincidence (your pick) was pointing straight at the handsome doctor, one of Smokey's favorites. Jack had an unusual spring in his step and a smile on his face, which confused Smokey a little.

He let Jack strip and dive in the water as he thought on how he'd be showing himself. Stressing Jack with his dad's appearance had been fun at the time, but didn't seem appropriate right now. Probing Jack's past for a suitable form, he ruled out his mom, an inspirational football coach, Sarah, and a tattoo artist in Phuket before setting on his best friend, Marc. He didn't get to be a red head that often, come to think of it.

Smokey waited for Jack to shower under his waterfall, then he appeared as Marc in the marriage tux, sitting cross-legged on a rock in the middle of the natural pool. The impact on Jack as he turned around was deeply satisfying for him, complete with dropping jaw, slipping and almost drowning out of surprise. Jack also did the clichéd eye rub, blink-blink, before tentatively asking:

"Marc?"

Smokey-Marc smiled.

"Hi Jack!"

"What the fuck?"

"Happy to see you again J!"

Jack shook his head vehemently while simultaneously rubbing the back of his neck.

"This is impossible." And because Jack rejected things with no scientific backup, he proclaimed, "I'm dreaming!"

Smokey got that a lot. He sighed. No one really appreciated his exceptional talents. Since Jack was now sure that he was dreaming, he relaxed and started treading water, smiling up to the sun.

"You seem in a good mood!"

Jack turned to smile at him and there was a twinkle in his eye.

"Yeah."

Smokey was perplexed. This was highly unusual for Jack. Curious, but not wanting to end the game too fast, he probed Jack’s mind lightly and everything became clear.

"You got laid!"

Jack laughed out loud.

"You look surprised!"

"Well duh! About time! Who?"

Jack sighed dreamily.

"Most beautiful blonde ever."

Smokey-Marc's brows furrowed in confusion. Then he scrunched his face.

"Claire? Ewwww!"  (See, Smokey was irked by incest).

Jack laughed again.

"What? No! Sawyer."

The shocked look on Smokey-Marc was not faked. He had felt the vibes, of course.  Who hadn't?  But that they had acted on it was a surprise.

"Really?"

Jack nodded.

"Uh huh.  Best fucking sex ever, man!"

Smokey thought about Jack/Sawyer for a second and decided that it was not right to leave that much hotness together, when he who ruled it all was bored.  And what if the island imploded because of it? Plus, between you and me, Smokey had always been jealous of Sawyer's prettiness.

"He's hot alright. But you deserve a better person, Jack."

Jack frowned, which was much more to Smokey's liking.

"He might not be an angel but… I feel good with him. Here, of all places, it means a lot."

Smokey-Marc frowned too. Jack seemed a bit too infatuated here.

"He's mean just for the fun of it."

Jack waved it off.

"It's a defense mechanism."

"He squished a poor frog!"

Jack looked at him with puzzlement

"What?"

Smokey-Marc sighed. He loved his frogs.

"He hunted down a frog with Hurley because it messed with his beauty sleep and squished it."

Jack shrugged.

"What can I say? He does stupid things, but that doesn't mean he would purposely hurt me."

Smokey was not so sure about that.

"You saying he wouldn't squish you?"

Jack laughed.

"There is no way he could."

"And if you were a frog?"

Jack sighed deeply.

"This conversation is ridiculous."

That insulted Smokey.

"Tell me, Jack, do you think Sawyer would do something he thought was ridiculous for you? On faith alone?"

Jack pondered for a moment before answering, without a hint of smugness and a lot of conviction, "I'm pretty sure he'd do anything for me."

As if on cue, Smokey heard, with his extra sensitive senses, heavy stomping coming down the path, accompanied by a growly kind of humming. Smokey-Marc turned back to Jack.

"Seems like the two of you planned some alone time?"

Jack eyes lit up and he smiled.

"Is he coming? Great! Now if you could, you know, disappear, this dream maybe could be salvaged."

THAT was VERY insulting.

"Hey!"

"Sorry, man."

Smokey-Marc got up on his rock.

"Ok then. You say he'd do anything?"

"Yeah, yeah, hurry, he's almost here.  I can hear him!"

Smokey didn't take rejection very well. Best friends should be treated better. Bros before ho's… or man ho's in this case.  Jack was going to pay.

"Okay then, Jack, tell him to kiss you, not squish you."

And with a little swirly gesture, Jack was quickly changed from man to frog; but a frog of a very pretty apple green color that immediately sank in the pool. Not-Marc disappeared and Smokey the Monster floated up into some nearby branches to watch how things would play out.

As you can imagine, Jack-the-frog was pretty surprised by the turn of events, but he valiantly swam up to take a gulp of air at the surface, and, with lots of effort, managed to climb on the rock. He looked with his little round eyes at his limbs and smooth green skin and exclaimed,

"Oh my god! What the fuck!"

A tiny, but audible, voice did come out of his mouth, which did nothing to reassure him at all. He was certain this was an atrocious nightmare now, and could not wait to wake up. He didn't even like frogs.

Sawyer had finally made it to the pool and was looking around with interest. Not seeing Jack made him sigh, he was sure the doc would be waiting for him.  Preferably naked.  Sawyer thought maybe he could take a swim and bake in the sun for a while before Jack finally came by, so he stripped and got in the pool. Jack-the-frog could not do anything but wait until Sawyer saw him. How to get Sawyer to kiss him… well he had no idea about that.

He was in a pretty desperate situation.

After a couple of minutes, Sawyer decided to take a nap on a nice flat rock near the waterfall. He hadn't slept a lot the night before, he thought with a wide grin. He stretched on the boulder and got as comfortable as he could before closing his eyes.

Jack-the-frog considered his options and figured this was his chance. He gracefully jumped into the water and swam to Sawyer. He was getting more comfortable with his new body by the minute, not that he planned on staying as a frog for one second more than would prove necessary. Once on Sawyer's rock, he examined his lover up close.  He was gorgeous of course, and Jack's little froggy heart started beating faster.  He had to transform back, it was imperative. Studying Sawyer's breathing, he figured he had dozed off so he crawled up close to his head.

"Sawyer!"

Sawyer stirred lightly.

"Mmmm.  Doc?" he murmured.

"Keep your eyes closed!"

Sawyer grinned, but did as he was told.

"What? You shy? I've seen every inch of you already."

"No, no. That's not it. I'll need you to do something for me Sawyer. Trust me.   It will sound weird."

"Oh!  Well, well, well. You got secret kinks or something?"

Jack-the-frog sighed. Of course Sawyer would think of something sexual.

"No, pervert. I'm in trouble !"

Sawyer's eyes shot open, suddenly alarmed, and Jack-the-frog cried out.

"I said keep your eyes closed, please!"

But Sawyer was no longer relaxed and playful. He did close his eyes, but reluctantly.

"What the hell is going on? Where are you and why is your voice so weird?"

"I'm in a nightmare. I need your help to change me back to my normal form. All you have to do is kiss me."

Sawyer scoffed.

"As if you have to ask. Of course I'll kiss you. Can I open my eyes now?"

"Wait! I have to warn you. At the moment, I'm a frog."

"A what?"

"A green frog."

"You're shitting me! That's it, I'm not playing anymore."

Sawyer sat up and opened his eyes. He looked around with curiosity before his eyes fell on Jack-the-frog, and shook his head before grabbing it in his hand. Jack's heart started beating wildly.  What if Sawyer decided to squish first and figure it out after?

"Damn it Jack, this is a really stupid game.  Come out of hiding right now!"

"Sawyer! Sawyer, please!  It's me!  Be careful!"

Sawyer heard him but the fact that the voice was coming from his fist did not register.

"Goddamn it, Jack, where the hell are you? I'm gonna squish your little friend here if you piss me off. It's not funny! "

"No! Please! Look at me!  Look at the frog!!!"

Sawyer sighed, opening his hand to look at the little creature. He found it pretty, all right, but this was ridiculous.

When the frog opened its mouth and said, "I know this is weird…,"  Sawyer almost jumped out of his skin with surprise.  The frog fell from Sawyer's hand and landed on the rock.

"Ow, Sawyer! Careful!"

"Shit."

"Told you! Now you've got to help me."

Sawyer put his hand on the rock and Jack jumped on it, confident Sawyer would not hurt him. Sawyer brought him close to examine carefully.

"I'll be damned. It must be ventriloquism. You trained a frog Jack? When did you find the time?"

Jack put a webbed foot on his own face.

"No! I got turned into a frog! And you have to kiss me so I turn normal again."

Sawyer laughed at that.

"You got your fairy tales mixed. I'm no princess and I don't need a handsome prince. No way in hell I'll kiss an amphibian. Ew!"

Jack tried his best to plead with his little eyes, reaching out to stroke Sawyer's stubbled cheek with his left foot.

"Come on, please. Just a quick kiss."

Sawyer laughed again but something caught his attention; itty bitty tiny stars on the frog's front leg. He turned it and noticed the smallish Chinese symbols and number five on the shoulder, and some other tattoos in places that only he had seen on this island, to his knowledge. They were the only colored spots on the otherwise very green frog.

"The fuck?"

"I'm telling you Sawyer, this is a nightmare that doesn't want to end. Please! It's not like anyone will know about it."

Sawyer grinned.

"What? It's not easy being green?"

"It's not funny Sawyer!"

"I disagree."

Sawyer patted the little green head delicately with his index finger .

"And you are so cuuuuuute!"

It seems possible that a frog with enough motivation can roll his eyes.

"Come on Sawyer!"

"You know, I never had a pet," Sawyer said thoughtfully.  While examining Jack-the-frog closely, Sawyer offered him a finger. "Gimme!"

Jack-the-frog took a lot of air into his teeny lungs before yelling as loud as he could,

"Fuck you, you god damn son of a bitch! I am not your fucking pet!"

Sawyer threw his head back in laughter.

"I just pissed off a frog enough for it to cuss. I win!"

There wasn't much Jack could do but sulk. Sawyer should be worried and doing his best to make it better, not laugh at him.

"Ok. Fine."

He jumped off Sawyer's hand and into the pool and swam away. After the initial surprise, Sawyer watched the pretty green frog get away and began to worry. That could be Jack, in a profoundly fucked up way. And what if a fish or a bird ate him?

"Hey, hey! Jack! Don't take it like that!"

Jack-the-frog dove. Let the bastard worry for a bit he thought. And well, he had to admit he'd never felt so at ease swimming, using his strong back legs. He heard Sawyer splashing, now in the water too. Jack considered hiding, to make him worry for a day or two. That would teach the redneck a lesson and provide a way to see how much Sawyer cared about him. But he had to admit that it was cruel. And did he have to eat insects or something else disgusting now?  Eww! If the positions were reversed, he was pretty sure he would have laughed a bit too.

Jack climbed on the rock where this had all begun and observed the surroundings. Where was Marc? Maybe if he apologized about the way he had told him to get lost, Marc could change him back?

Smokey was indeed observing the scene and was kind of surprised at the ease Jack had at convincing Sawyer he was a frog. No squishing had ensued, although it had come close in the beginning. Not only that, but judging by the desperation with which Sawyer was looking for the frog, it would not take much for him to actually kiss it.  This was not the show he had in mind, but it was entertaining. He twirled loosely around his branch and watched the third act.

"Jack! Jack! Come on, come back here!"

"I'm right here on the rock, asshole," Jack finally cried out, feeling a bit guilty. Sawyer actually sighed in relief when he spotted him.

"Stay there. I'm coming over."

Jack turned his back on him, putting on a show of sulking.

"You're not taking this seriously."

Sawyer was now near him and lightly caressed his back.

"I'm sorry Jack. But you gotta admit this is a bit…surreal."

"Tell me about it."

"How the hell did this happen?"

"It's a dream Sawyer, how do I know? I was swimming around and talking with Marc…"

"Marc? Who's Marc?"

Jack turned to see Sawyer scowling. He was not mistaken, that was definitely a jealous tone. If a frog could smile, it would look a lot like Jack right now.

"Marc is my best friend in the real world."

"And just why were you dreaming about him when swimming naked?"

"Ah come on. It never was like that. I told him about us and he told me you were no good for me and about your frog-killing habits."

Sawyer scoffed

"Great. I love him already."

"Anyhow, he asked me if you'd do something ridiculous for me and I said yes. When he heard you coming, I told him to scram and that sort of insulted him. He told me that I would have to convince you to kiss me, not squish me and … and… that's it, I was a frog and almost drowned."

Sawyer frowned.

"You got weird friends and even weirder dreams Doc. Or I am having the weird dream? I'm not so sure how it goes."

"Are you going to change me back?"

Sawyer sighed.

"I'll do anything you think will work. I can't leave you like this and carry you back to camp on my shoulder to share smokes or something. The others would kill me, and totally blame me because their precious doctor suddenly looks like Kermit."

"Hey!"

"What? You do! Although way more pretty. You make a kick-ass frog, especially with the tats."

Sawyer was smiling down at him and still petting his back lovingly, then took a little foot to roll delicately between his fingers.

Jack sighed. Even Smokey, up in his tree, sighed. Sawyer could be so charming.

"I swear Sawyer, if it works I'll make it up to you. Whatever you want." Jack exclaimed, crossing his heart with his foot.

"The only thing I ask is that you swear never to talk about this to anyone…."

Jack's heart swelled with pride about Sawyer selflessness.

"… and I get a blowjob."

Jack's head dropped. It was a disappointment, on principle. But then again, not a chore.

"Deal. Kiss me, baby!"

Sawyer offered his hand.

"C'mere, I'm going to back up in the water a bit so you don't hit the rock changing back."

Jack hopped, confident.

"Thanks."

Sawyer shook his head in wonder.

"That is way fucked up. You're lucky I love you."

Jack’s mouth fell open and Sawyer's eyes got round at that. Smokey almost fell from his observation point, and that's hard for a cloud to do. Sawyer was surprised to have said it out loud, that was for sure. Before giving either of them time to think, Sawyer leaned in and lightly kissed Jack's little head. What could Smokey do other than change Jack back? He sort of had given his word that it would work, so he let him morph back into his human form.

Jack fell down in the water with a yelp and Sawyer did his best to steady him, worried.

"You okay?"

Jack checked to see if he had all of his parts and to make sure his fingers were not still webbed before daring to breathe.

"Yes, thank God."

Then he hugged Sawyer hard, shaking with relief to be able to hold him in his arms, touch him, be touched again. He buried his face in Sawyer's neck, kissing it soundly.

"Thank you. Thank you. And I love you too."

Smokey decided it was his cue to leave as the two men started to kiss passionately. Who was he to come between true love?

And if he ever got bored again, he would just have to look for them: he was sure to have hot live porn shows quite frequently from now on!

The End.