Fic: "A Hole in the World", (4/4)
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
Of all things, they're in a senior staff meeting when the alarms start blaring in the control room. John gets up and jogs out, foregoing the radio for direct contact.
"What's going on?" he asks.
"Unscheduled gate activation, Colonel," the technician says as the puddle forms, and John notices it's that Forsberg kid again. "It's... it's Dr. McKay's former IDC, and we have an incoming radio transmission."
John blinks, but gestures to the marines to get into position, firearms at the ready. Heart speeding up, he nods.
"Keep the shield up, but open the radio channel," John says.
"Identify yourself, please," Forsberg asks.
"Atlantis, it's Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay," Rodney's voice sounds through the speakers. "If you'd lower the shield, please, I'd like to come through. Oh, and no shooting, if that's not too much of a problem?"
"Your IDC is incorrect, McKay," John says, surprised his voice sounds normal because he's a mess inside at the moment. "You know the drill."
"Oh, come on, like I remember your stupid code phrases to prove I'm not calling with a gun to my head, Colonel. Was it "Nothing special to report" to say I'm caught or to say I'm clear? I never got the hang of that one."
John can't help it: he smiles because that's such a McKay thing to say.
"To say you're caught, Rodney," John says. Obviously he's not, or he would not be speaking about protocol. "We're lowering the shield; get your ass over here."
The barrier is taken down and it's with a relieved sigh that Rodney answers.
"Thank god, okay, coming in. Remember, no holes!"
A second later, Rodney steps through, maybe a bit slimmer and with longer hair, but looking perfectly fine and not injured. He's dressed in the Pegasus equivalent of civilian clothes, but carrying his gear in his arms, holding the guns by the barrels away from him to show he's not going to use them, conform to the protocol he just pretended he never bothered learning. The first thing he does it to shove the P-90 in the hands of the closest marine, but then Rodney’s grinning up at them, and holds up a finger in a 'wait' gesture.
"I've been waiting to do this for weeks!" he says, getting on his knees, and then he kisses the ground, before laying his cheek on the metal floor, looking ecstatic. "I'm back baby, missed me?" he croons at the damn floor, maybe even petting it.
John's shaking his head, smile wide because, god, Rodney's back and he's OK. After a beat, he follows the others down the stairs. It's Ronon who gets to McKay first and hauls him up, before squeezing him in a bear hug. There's a little crowd gathering, with welcomes and people telling Rodney they are glad he's back. Rodney laughs and hangs on as Ronon almost smothers him, letting go only to gather a Teyla, who looks almost bouncy, in his arms next. John hovers close but he sidesteps to let Carlson, Radek and even Woolsey gets a quick hug because he doesn't quite know what to do, if he should step forward or maybe just give Rodney a clap on the back. He's no good with the whole hugging business, Rodney knows that.
It seems, though, that Rodney takes the decision away from him after letting go of Woolsey because he zeros on John's eyes, grins and just glomps him. It makes John laugh and he finds himself holding back just as fiercely, his hand fisting is the linen of Rodney's shirt. He's solid and real, and John feels flooded by a huge sense of relief. Finally. John's pretty sure he hears a couple of "awww!" but he just doesn't care. John's no expert in the matter, but the hug seems to go on for a long time and when Rodney pulls back, he keeps a strong grip on one of John's upper arms even as he turns to their friends.
"I missed you guys," he says at large, but he squeezes John's arm at the same time. You most of all it says and John can't stop smiling. He pats Rodney on the back and rests his hand there for a moment, which feels like a bold move, at least for him.
"We've missed you too, lad," Carson says, eyes suspiciously shiny. "But you've got to come with me to the infirmary, get checked out."
"Yes, okay, but I'm fine," Rodney says.
It's like it shakes John from his happy stupor, bringing back how much time Rodney's been away and they still don't know why. John grabs Rodney's left forearm and yanks the shirt up, looking for that mysterious bracelet. There's nothing but his watch, though.
"You know about that?" Rodney says, understanding perfectly what John's doing. "Shit, don't tell me someone else got caught! I told you to stay away from that thing!" he starts to rant, snatching his arm back.
"What the fuck happened, McKay?" John asks, all of the worry coming back and making him snap. "You get up and leave without telling anyone? Do you have any idea..."
"Well excuse me, Colonel, but I had no choice!" Rodney yells right back.
"Gentleman, why don't we let Dr. McKay go to the infirmary and debrief later?" Woolsey cuts in, just like Teyla puts a calming hand on Rodney's shoulder as they glare at one another. Rodney has no right to be pissy about John wanting an explanation.
"Yes, we are all anxious to know what happened, but it can wait," Teyla says softly, obviously to them both.
"I'll bring you some food," Ronon says and that makes Rodney look at him with huge grateful eyes.
"Oh, god, yes please. I'm starving," he says, already falling in step behind Carlson on his way to the infirmary. John considers following, feeling a deep urge not to let Rodney out of his sight ever again, but he's afraid he's just going to get in the way and shake Rodney until he says what the hell happened. Instead, he climbs back up the stairs and in the conference room, sits in his chair, and grab his computer. The list of the planets explored or not is still opened in a corner and John clicks the window shut viciously. Rodney better have a good explanation for this.
He opens mine sweeper.
***
It takes almost two hours before they're all back for the debrief. Rodney's apparently showered, changed, fed and perfectly healthy if you believe Carlson. John on the other hand just took all of that time to brood and work up a temper, so when the actual explanation he waited so long for starts, he doesn't even participate, just listens.
As they had guessed, it started when that machine that reads thoughts acted up.
"By that time I thought I perfectly understood its function, but it suddenly whipped out one of the wiry extensions that wrapped around my wrist. The connection was instant and it told me what to do."
"The machine spoke to you?" Zelenka asks.
"No, no, by then it knew my thought patterns exactly, and it just flashed the situation right into my brain. In details." Rodney all but shudders. "It was creepy as hell."
"Images and..." Zelenka starts.
"The whole nine yards, images, sound, concepts... pretty disorienting in fact, and for a minute there I thought my head would explode," Rodney says quietly, as if reminiscing.
"What did it say?" Woolsey asks.
"The machine, over the week I had been using it, had not only read the thoughts I wanted to get translated on file, which, you know, if it worked as it seemed to work, it would be the best invention in the history of forever, but, well, it pretty much had psychoanalyzed me completely and had designed my path to Ascension. No less."
Ascension. Again. There's an audible groan from the room at large and Rodney is shaking his head knowingly.
"And what, it sent you on a spiritual quest?" Ronon asks.
"Please, don't be ridiculous," Rodney says, rolling his eyes, but then pauses and seems to think about it. "Well I'll be damned. It was exactly that. When the necessary steps I'd have to do were downloaded in my head, for lack of a better word, the umbilical cord detached but left me with a piece of it around my wrist. I tried to force it off but it shocked me. For every try I made the shock was stronger, enough to make my heart start to beat strangely."
"But why leave and tell no one? We could have helped!" Carson says, and Zelenka nods.
"That was the catch! My supposed path to Ascension had to be done alone. If I even mentioned it or asked for help to remove the device, then the bracelet would know, with the mind reading, and not only shock me, but hurt the person I was asking for help, too. That thing was nasty," Rodney says, absentmindedly rubbing his left wrist.
"You couldn't just work on getting it off, by yourself, while staying on Atlantis?" Lorne says.
"No, the first part of the road to Ascension was to leave Atlantis and truly be on my own. I even had a fucking time table to respect, or it would hurt selected people closest to me, at random. The images were horrific, very vivid and specific. I could not take the chance."
"So you made up that fake trip to YY7-636, and then just got out of dodge?" Lorne says.
"Exactly. I had a couple of things to achieve before the road was traveled completely, then I could ascend."
"You look the same," Ronon says, looking pointedly at Rodney.
"That's because I found a way to beat the bracelet before I got there," Rodney says, with a hit of smugness.
"I do not understand: how could you beat it, if it read your mind?" Teyla asks.
"It's complicated," Rodney says, starting to wave his hands. "I had to perfect thinking two things simultaneously."
"Think two things simultaneously? Is that even possible?" Zelenka says.
"Obviously, yes. We multitask all the time, a song while working, doing a repetitive movement and thinking about what we need to do the next day. It's just that one thought process, the mindless one, falls to the background. I had to make that background noise louder, to cover what I was trying to do, since the device could only pick up on the loudest thing going on in my head at one time."
"And you managed to do it?" Teyla says.
"Not without getting tons of shocks with my trial and errors, but yes. I needed something that engaged my attention, but that I could do easily enough. Then when I was deep in that task, I had to make it take up a lot of space in the thought process while on the other hand I could try various things to get the bracelet off."
"Tinkering on engines. That's why you contacted the Travelers," Zelenka says with an approving nod.
"Oh, you knew about that, too?" Rodney frowns, "They never told me that you tried to contact them. By the way, Miss Bondage needs to stay the fuck away, I think she has an eye on the biggest spaceship of them all," Rodney says, twirling his finger around to indicate Atlantis.
Ah, well Larrin could dream on, John thought.
"When did you manage to get it off?" Ronon asks.
"Two days ago. I was working on Larrin's propulsion system, reciting loudly in my head every little movement I was doing, and after days of weakening the damn bracelet at the latch point it finally opened. Frankly I could not believe my eyes, it had been such a bitch to get off. Once that was done, I had to dispose of it in a way that it could not communicate with the device here on Atlantis," Rodney says.
"Meaning?" Woolsey demands.
"I dropped it in a volcano on U6T-876," he answers, looking extremely satisfied by the end the device met. If you ask John, he would say his geek is showing: it's a bit too Lords of the Rings as far as solutions go.
"Were you with the Travelers all that time?" Lorne asks.
"What? No, no, just the last ten days. Too much, if you ask me: they might be resourceful, but they're the most cut throat people I've ever met. And the food..." Rodney makes a disgusted face.
"Before that, to what planets did you go?" Ronon says.
"I spent the first two days on Hoff, and then I went back to YY7-636," Rodney says.
"YY7-636?" Lorne repeats, blinking. John is just as stunned, that's the planet where Rodney went missing in the first place.
"Yes. I figured that you'd search elsewhere, once it was clear I was gone. It's an okay world, civilized enough, I found a job fixing Ancient tech for someone who supplies another someone who has a booth in the market in exchange for board and food."
John scoffs inwardly. He'd imagined Rodney lost, terrified, maybe even in danger and he was fixing gizmos?
"And how was the path to ascension?" Teyla asks.
"Oh, that." Rodney sort of waves. "I was supposed to learn to trust people, to realize most of them meant good. Another goal was to atone the everyday fears, etc. So basically it was a lot of bullshit. You can understand how I HAD to get that thing off my arm."
"Now what?" Lorne asks.
"What what?" Rodney says, frowning.
"Are we safe?" Lorne clarifies.
"We've got to lock that machine up until there is a way to neutralize the Ascension function. No one else got caught, right?" Rodney asks, anxious.
"No, we isolated it. I did analyze the results of the first schematics, and..." Zelenka starts to explain.
"Yeah," Rodney says, wistful. "It has so much potential. Does anyone have other questions? I'm beat, you have no idea."
Like it's going to be that easy. There's a lot more ground to cover.
"Did you talk to many people while out there?" John asks.
Rodney turns to him, looking pleased that he's finally interacting. He's thrown him several looks all through the debrief, obviously wondering what is wrong.
"Several, but no I didn't discuss Atlantis. With anyone," Rodney says. John's not so sure about that one, sometimes Rodney talks and talks and doesn't even realize the shit he lets slip. Rodney's continuing. "The only ones who had an idea who I was were the Travelers and Maya on YY7-636, who swore she would not try to contact you guys or tell anyone about me. Oh, and maybe Geron, the domestic. I mostly kept to myself."
"Maya?" John asks.
It's with a pleased little smile that Rodney answers.
"Yes. It's at her place I was staying. She's something special alright, and brilliant enough to understand our collaboration on the repairs of Ancient gadgets would be mutually beneficial," Rodney says, and for some reason John imagines her tall, blond and curvy and he's hit from nowhere by a wave of jealousy that leaves him destabilized.
"You better not have talked too much, McKay," John grouses, gathering his stuff. He suddenly feels like he's suffocating, and he needs some air.
"Please, I'm not stupid," Rodney says with a frown. "I'd never deliberately weaken Atlantis."
John stands, ready to make his escape, then shakes his head.
"Oh, deliberately is not the problem, in fact that's my whole point," John jabs, and sees hurt flash on Rodney's face. He immediately feels bad about it, which makes him brusque. "Okay, I think that's enough?" John asks Woolsey, who looking at John curiously.
"Hum, yes," Woolsey turns to Rodney. "Of course we'll need a detailed report of the events."
Rodney nods.
"It may take a few days."
"Go rest, Doctor McKay. It's good to have you back," Woolsey says with a smile, which makes Rodney beam. It's a bit much for John, who leaves without another word.
He really needs to get his head back together, and fast.
****
John figures that eventually Rodney's going to try to corner him, but at the moment he really doesn't want to talk or explain his attitude. He doesn't even understand it himself, anyway! It's not that he's unhappy that Rodney's back, he's thrilled! But there's a whole mess of feelings that comes with that, which John doesn't know how to deal with. He likes Rodney a lot more than he thought, now what? You can't come out to your best friend and say "hey, man, when you were gone, I realized I was gay for you... what do you think?" It would only make things awkward, and maybe torpedo their friendship; John better keep quiet.
Most probably, it will take some adjustment. John will need to stay away a bit, so that his crush passes, and he's pretty sure he can keep his game face on enough that no one will notice. Of course Teyla and Ronon know, but he'll ask them to keep it shut. He just hopes they will not try to play matchmaker.
John's strumming with restless energy, and even destroying a couple of paper targets at the firing range doesn't help. Running it is, then. John goes to change, then starts the course where there's a fuckload of stairs.
If he's about to start to feel sorry for himself, he'll at least have a reason to.
***
Maybe he'd overdone it a little, but John is beat. The shower pounds on his shoulders and he has a flash of the first day Rodney went missing, and how he didn't notice right away because he was tired and didn't pay attention to little things that were different. Not that it would have changed anything, he reasons.
John towels dry and puts on new boxers before going back in his bedroom. If he's lucky, he'll sleep now that Rodney's home. There's something not quite right and John tenses, and swivels to the door at the same time Rodney coughs to grab his attention.
"Wha...!" John almost squeaks, getting in defensive position as Rodney backs up, raising his hands.
"Sorry, sorry, I rang but you didn't answer!" Rodney says.
"That's because I was in the shower," John shoots back, rolling his eyes.
"I can see that, now, sorry. I thought you didn't want to talk to me," Rodney says, looking apologetic at least.
"And that allows you to break into my room how?" John says, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Oh and you're right, I don't want to talk to you."
Rodney's face all but falls at that, and he looks miserable.
"But why? I don't understand!"
John sighs and rubs the heel of his hands in his eye sockets.
"Look, I'm tired, you're tired. You should go. We'll talk some other time," John says.
"But you're pissed at me! And I don't know why and it's driving me nuts!" Rodney says, fast, obviously distressed.
"It's not you, it's me," John says, and half smiles at the lame way it comes out. Rodney groans.
"Shit, that's never good," Rodney says, and then his eyes go wide. "Oh my god, you're breaking up with me!"
This time, John shakes his head, amused despite himself.
"I can't break up with you, McKay, we're not even dating," John reasons.
"Well that's your interpretation," Rodney grumbles and frankly it sends John's mind reeling. "No, I meant that you're ending our friendship; that you've finally had enough."
"I never said that," John says, dropping to sit on his bed. "Just... don't push it, Rodney. Not tonight."
The problem is that Rodney's stretching himself as tall as he can, crossing his arms, bracing his feet and raising his chin.
"Oh, I want to know, and I'll know," he says.
When he gets like this, Rodney is the proverbial unmovable object. John gets up, passes by Rodney and opens the door, then gestures towards the corridor.
"And I say that you're going to go do whatever you generally do at this hour, I'll go and have a good night sleep and we will talk another time," John says coolly, but he feels his temper rise again.
"You seemed happy enough to see me when I came through the gate," Rodney says, like a dog with a bone. "But then you became all prissy about security and secrets. You know I can keep shut when I want."
It will be next to impossible to get rid of him, now, John reasons.
"Fine, I know, sorry I said anything. Now please go," John says. It's better if they don't fight.
John doesn't trust himself not to say things he should keep secret.
"But I don't understand! It's not like I wanted to go, I was forced to!" Rodney says.
"You don't know that, you didn't stay long enough so that we could try and help you," John says, voice rising.
"What, and risk what that machine had shown me?" Rodney says, eyes wide at whatever horrors that means. He shakes his head. "No way."
John had a lot of trouble imagining how terrible that could be.
"It's a long shot that it could have done whatever you saw. It was probably just some bluff."
John gestures to the still open door.
"No, it wasn't," Rodney said, shooting daggers. "On YY7-636, I did ask Geron for help after a couple of days. The shock was so strong we both passed out. He was scared of me for weeks after that, I was lucky he didn't run to the gate and rat me out to you guys."
Ouch, okay so maybe it was not just paranoia. But they could have tried. Rodney starts for the door and John breathes a sigh of relief. At last. But just before he reaches the door, Rodney turns and shoots John a glance. He's still angry and confused.
"It was you, by the way," Rodney says and John frowns, not understanding. "The device made it very clear that if I didn't get out of Atlantis in less than one hour, it would go after you."
He says it as if it explains everything, then turns and leaves.
***
Predictably, John doesn't sleep that night. He goes to the mess hall on autopilot and the shock of seeing Rodney sitting with Teyla and Ronon at their usual table is like a physical punch. He's grateful, but still so confused that he doesn't quite know how to react. John decides that acting as if nothing ever happened has served him enough in his life that he can give it another shot. He loads a tray and sits down next to McKay.
"Morning," he says.
"Good morning John," Teyla says, smiling at him and Ronon grunts around a mouthful of muffin.
"Morning," Rodney says back, but barely, busy inhaling his coffee.
John eyebrows rise at his obvious relish.
"Missed that?" he asks Rodney.
"I missed a lot of things," Rodney counters, when the cup is drained, although he doesn't even look at John. He then starts to demolish his scrambled eggs.
John starts eating his toast and his mind wanders. They don't have any missions scheduled in the next week, since he was on vacation and got back before time was up, but maybe he could put them back on the roster. Doing normal stuff, getting back in the routine would probably help everything fall back into normalcy faster. The next thing he's aware of, Rodney's getting up.
"Okay, so lab time. I'll be at it all day, surely," Rodney says.
"They will be glad to have you back," Teyla says.
"For ten minutes," Ronon adds with a toothy grin.
Rodney scoffs, but the side of his mouth is tilting up in a smile.
"Maybe less," he agrees.
"Later!" John says cheerfully, as he leaves and Rodney turns back to give him a confused look.
John can't blame him. He's way confused too.
***
In an idealized version of the return scenario, John had thought that when Rodney got back, everything would fall into place again. In reality, he's just as exhausted as before and doesn't seem to be able to concentrate on his job any more than a couple of weeks ago. John sighs as the print on the requisition just moves around, and he slumps in his chair. He better screw his head back on soon. He probably needs just a bit more time, so that it sinks in.
But what's really happening is that everything he lived with - the frustration, the emptiness, the fucking longing he felt for Rodney - is still there even with him back. It just morphed. John's no longer worried that Rodney could be in danger, or worse, because he sees Rodney at least five times a day, or at least hear him. The way the science team scuttle left and right, eyes a little wide, is proof enough that he's back.
The city didn't sink while under Zelenka's supervision and it's like it's a direct affront to Rodney, who spends long hours in the lab getting back into things in order to rant at every mistake he finds. At first Zelenka takes it in his stride, as if he has kind of missed it, but after two or three days with no improvement in Rodney's temper, John hears rumors of resignation and that he's threatening to go back to Earth. John's not worried, Zelenka will never do that.
John does a complicated dance around Rodney, hovering just in his periphery: he's reassuring himself that everything is OK, but avoids spending time with him directly. It's too raw, too soon, and he's worried that Rodney will find out that something changed and that he'll cut John away for good. He tries to act normal at meals, but it's stilted and Ronon and Teyla are trying to guilt trip him with the sole means of raised eyebrows.
He thinks he didn't do so badly at lunch though. They'd fallen into pretty easy banter about the worst food they'd ever eaten on Earth, a change from the usual daydreaming, and John had laughed until he cried about stories of Rodney's Great Aunt Martha and how her haggis had traumatized a young Rodney for life. When John finally managed to stop the laughing, still smiling so wide his cheek hurt, Rodney was practically radiating smugness and beamed at him. The swell of feeling that had accompanied it for John was immediately followed by the dread of knowing he was so very fucked. John had stiffened up, and then made a half hearted excuse to flee.
The small office that holds all of John's backdated paperwork is a nice place to hide, but unfortunately not a deterrent enough to a determined Rodney McKay. Without any warning or even a simple - it's just polite! - ringing of the chime, Rodney barges in. John expects insults or demands that he explains himself, so he braces for it.
"Do you want to watch a movie tonight?" Rodney asks.
It's so surprising that John is left gaping.
"What?"
"It's Wednesday. So, do you want to watch a movie tonight or not. The question is simple enough, you use either yes or no to answer," Rodney says, visibly tense.
John had not been expecting that. But then again, they often did Wednesday movies, before, generally in Rodney's quarters. Where John had jerked off, thinking of him. John is pretty sure he would not make it 90 minutes next to Rodney without dying of embarrassment or doing something stupid, like make a move. He feels himself flush, raises some forms and taps them on the desk, even though they made a very ineffectual shield.
"Ah, huh, well no, sorry. I have something planned," John says lamely, fidgeting.
Rodney looks at him, face going blank.
"No, you don't," he declares.
John almost squirms, ears hot. He knows he's caught.
"Okay, I don't," John says, getting up, grabbing his stuff. "I don't feel like it, I didn't want to sound rude."
That's when Rodney's carefully composed mask just cracks.
"What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with you, Sheppard?" Rodney asks, low and angry.
There is no good answer to that. He eyes the door, but Rodney's blocking it, so John fixes a point just over his shoulder.
"I don't know what you're talking about," John says, then decides to chance an escape. He tries to go around Rodney, but he's not moving an inch, even shoots his arm out to block John's path.
"Oh no, you're not running away again, you asshole," he hisses and whoa, that's a level of pissed off John hasn't seen often. It does make him stop, and even step back. He's not going to look at Rodney in the eyes, though, or speak up. "Okay, let me tell you what I'm talking about. One minute everything is fine, the next you totally shut off and it's like we're strangers, or worse. What's with the hot and cold treatment, Sheppard?"
John shakes his head.
"Nothing, nothing. It's just been a rough time, I need time to adjust," he says.
"And what, you think it's been a walk in the park for me?" Rodney says, cold. "I was terrified. Alone. All I wanted was to come home, and when I do, my best friend's acting like he'd prefer I'd never come back."
"What?" John exclaims, finally meeting Rodney's eyes, and he looks angry but also a bit lost. "I'm happy you're back, Rodney. Really."
Rodney snorts.
"Yeah, for the good of Atlantis, yadda, yadda," he says. "I guess that a month long vacation from me let you reevaluate our friendship." He turns, as if to go in a huff.
The words sink in and it's suddenly John's turn to see red. He grabs Rodney's vest as he's about to exit, shuts the door and pushes Rodney against it, his back hitting hard. John gets in his personal space, using the couple of inches he has to the maximum to intimidate.
"Vacation?" John says, softly but tense with anger. Blue eyes widen with surprise, Rodney is frozen. "You think that this was fucking vacation for me?" he all but yells next. At this very moment, he's scaring Rodney and he knows it. But he's too far gone to stop, although he lowers his tone. "Oh no, this was not a vacation. I was worried out of my mind, you jerk. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I searched everywhere and then some, fought with Woolsey, name it."
"I... I know that you..." Rodney looks apologetic at least.
"You left, Rodney! Not a word, not one tiny hint, you just got up and left!" John shouts.
"But..." Rodney tries to defend himself.
"You left me!" John yells again, but at the way Rodney's eyes widen, he knows he's gone too far. John can't look at him anymore, and his flight instinct soars, but Rodney’s still in the way, blocking the door. Wishing he could hide, John drops his forehead to Rodney's shoulders. Just one second and he's going to get himself together and make an exit as dignified as he can. That was not factoring Rodney's arms coming up to wrap around him in an embrace more than a hug, rubbing his back lightly. John wishes he didn't like it so much.
"I shouldn't have said that," Rodney whispers. "I didn't think... I'm sorry you were so worried."
"I just need a bit of time," John mumbles back. "It can't go back to like it was before just like that."
"Okay, okay, if you say so. But I... I don't understand why. I'm back, now," Rodney says, honestly puzzled.
"I know, I'm just fucked up, I haven't slept in so long it's like I don't know how anymore," John says. "It makes me cranky."
"Ask Jennifer, she'll give you something," Rodney says.
"That's not a good idea. Woolsey and her are just waiting for something like that to sideline me for a while," John says. "I've been, uh, hard to work with lately."
"Jesus, John," Rodney says, still rubbing his back and John wants to arch into it like a cat, it feels so good. He turns his head a little, gets the tip of his nose against the skin of Rodney's neck. God, if only he could just... But Rodney's pushing him away, disengaging from the sort of hug and John tries not to feel too lost at that. It was really nice for a moment, there. But Rodney grabs his wrist, opening the door and drags John behind him in the corridor without even explaining what's going on. John almost stumbles but follows.
"Huh Rodney?" John asks.
"Hush. I'm going to try to help you," Rodney says, getting them in a transporter, and a flash later they exit near their quarters.
It seems they're going fast towards Rodney's room. Until then, John was following in a daze, but upon getting there he starts to pull back, trying to break the hold.
Rodney does let him go, and dashes in, as John hovers in the opened doorway, frowning at Rodney who disappears in the bathroom, exiting almost immediately shaking a little bottle with a triumphant smile.
"I knew I had some of these left. Okay, so come on," Rodney says, passing by John again and exiting the room, definitely on a mission.
Curious, John follows.
"Well thanks, but..." he stutters to a stop when Rodney stops before John's own door, and makes a little impatient gesture.
"Open up!" he says, and as if on automatic, John does it and follows him in. Rodney points to the bed. "Okay, so now you're going to rest."
"It's not even dinner time, Rodney!" John says, rolling his eyes.
"Who cares? If you need sleep that much, you'll sleep right through. Those pills could knock out an elephant."
John frowns.
"I don't really like that sort of thing," John says. He hates the groggy feeling and not being in control of his body.
"Relax, Sheppard, we won't get attacked in the middle of the night, and if so I'll give you the magic cure, I have those too."
It probably should be worrisome that Rodney's so at ease with uppers/downers, but at the moment sleep sounds like a very very good idea. John sits on his bed and takes off his boots while Rodney disappears into his bathroom. He comes back with a glass of water and one pill.
"I usually take two. One should be good for you. It's going to be okay, I swear it's good stuff."
"You sound like a dealer, Rodney," John says with a small smile, swallowing it with a gulp of water. He almost chokes on it when Rodney reaches to his head and touches his ear, sporting a thoughtful expression, but before John can react, he realizes Rodney was getting his radio, that he puts on the nightstand.
"Okay, so now strip and lie down," Rodney says casually and John's glad he's done with the water, because he'd spray it out.
"What?"
"You'll sleep better if you're comfortable and you know it," Rodney says. "Just lose the pants and the vest, it's not that difficult!"
It's almost awkward, getting undressed and John feels his ear turn red.
"Come on, I've seen you strip down in missions, what's taking you so long?" Rodney says, impatient as always.
It's true, they've all seen each other in various state of undress and John has even shared small tents with Rodney wearing just his boxers because it was so hot, and he's never been self conscious about it. In an effort to make the situation seem as normal as possible, John shrugs and just gets it done, while Rodney hums, satisfied. Figuring that just doing what Rodney says is the best hope that he’ll finally leave - to let him emote in peace and, if possible, sleep - John only keeps boxers and t-shirt and climbs in his bed, lying down on his stomach.
"I'm not sleepy," John says, punching his pillow a little, and then resting his head, turning towards Rodney who's looking back at him with his head tilted, considering.
"You'll be soon," Rodney says, "but you need to relax a bit, you look tense like a bow."
John scoffs.
"Look who's talking," he says. Rodney always looks like he's tied into knots. "Shouldn't you, I don't know, leave and let me try to fall asleep?"
There's no chance he'll go to sleep if Rodney hovers on the side of his bed like this. John closes his eyes, trying to encourage him to go.
"Yes, in a minute. First..." Rodney says and John feels his bed dip near his hip and a second later he almost yelps when Rodney straddles his tights.
"The fuck?" John says, heart racing, but Rodney's big hands are already kneading at his trapezes, thumbs digging at the base of his neck and he groans, half in pleasure and half in pain.
"I give excellent back rubs," Rodney says, as he continues to squeeze and stroke in a way that has John wanting to fervently agree. "Jesus, Sheppard, you're sure those are muscles, not rocks?"
With that Rodney tugs John's t-shirt off then starts to vigorously work the cricks and knots in John's back. It alternately hurts like hell - making him want to beg that he stops- but that's until the pain gives way to relief and he never, ever wants it to end. It's absolutely incredible. John tries to stay as boneless as he can and maybe the sleeping pill Rodney gave him is starting to kick in because he has the impression he's going to turn liquid pretty soon. At the same time, predictably, Rodney's touch on his back and the nonsense commentary he keeps - to be honest, John's not listening at all - is also making heat curl up in his belly. John has to fight to stifle his moans, only allowing little grunts to escape when Rodney hits a particular sore spot.
It goes on for a little while, although John would not be able to say how long, and he's tripping a little, floating on a sea of sensation and building arousal, when he realizes that Rodney's at his lower back, just over his ass and everything kicks up a notch. John suddenly has to work to keep his breathing slow and relaxed, and he also knows that the back rub is coming to an end. Rodney, who's been working very systematically with efficient and no-nonsense touches that were nothing but business, slows down and John just can't help the tiny whine of protest when Rodney's hands leave his back.
"I knew you'd like it," Rodney says with a chuckle. "Are you okay? You do look more relaxed."
"Just a bit more," John pleads, trying deliberately to sound pathetic and he probably succeeds because Rodney laughs and he's rubbing long up and down strokes on John's back, who makes a satisfied sound. "So good," he almost slurs.
"The patented McKay back rubs helped me to get laid more often than you'd think," Rodney says, sounding smug.
"Oh, I'm sure of that," John says, relishing the sensations as Rodney works every vertebra in his back, going up. When he reaches his neck John pushes his pillow aside, forehead on the mattress, to align his head and Rodney's fingers start working at the base of his skull. He can't help the groan at that, but his face is stuffed in his mattress, so hopefully it didn't sound too wanton. Not stopping his involuntary quest to drive John mad with lust, Rodney then starts an honest to god scalp massage.
"Your hair is a lot softer than I thought," Rodney says, and John doesn't know why exactly it's those words that make him slip but he can't help pressing his erection in the mattress. He's so damn hard, he's been for a long time now and it's just too tempting. It doesn't do much in term in the friction that he definitely needs, and now John just wants to hump his bed again. Rodney's hands leave his head and they then slide down his back, a lot less pressure than before, caressing. It leaves trails of heat on John's skin.
"I never told you this, Sheppard," Rodney says, as if he's musing out loud, "and don't take it badly, but I've always found it really unfair that you're both intelligent and attractive. You really won on the genetic lotto, and not just with the ATA gene."
John doesn't have enough energy to argue, but he does manage to do a bit of a back and forth movement with his hand, before letting his hand drop because no one will understand what it means anyway.
"You're brilliant and hot, same difference," John mumbles, trying to fight down his arousal and therefore not really filtering his words. It only hits him what he just said when Rodney hums. This time, when Rodney's hands follow his spine, John can't help to curl into the touch, as if they're magnets that he just cannot resist. The dual whammy of Rodney slowly pushing both hands up simultaneously, all the way to his head and fingers digging in his scalp once more lets John's control over his vocal chords slip again.
"God, don't stop, so good," John says, pleasure making his voice scratchy.
"No wonder space bimbettes throw themselves at you, Jesus," Rodney says, and his voice is a bit hoarse too which makes John hump the bed once more. He's going to die if he doesn't come soon.
"Fuck, Rodney," John hisses, panicking a little because Rodney better be okay with this or else he has to go soon or John's going to start writhing.
That's when the pressure of Rodney's weight on John's thighs is released and for a second, John's absolutely certain that Rodney's finally reached the limit of what he can stand, and that he'll just leave, leaving everything unresolved. It makes it even more of a surprise when John feels hot breath against his neck.
"You're going to have to stop me from doing something stupid, Colonel," Rodney whispers.
"I passed stupid a while ago," John pants, moving a bit more because it's easier now that he's not pinned to the bed, but not enough, not nearly enough.
"I could help you out," Rodney says and John has a full body shiver.
"Oh, god..." he says, biting his sheet, imagining so many possibilities to go with those words.
Even better, Rodney's urging him to turn on his back, now, and when John does so he only has to look at Rodney to see he's totally into this, too. His pupils are blown out, a flush on his cheeks and he's never looked so kissable so John just grabs him by the head and pulls him down. Their first kiss is hard and a tad frantic, especially on John's part, who wants more and more, his hands now roaming and clutching at Rodney. It's good, it's awesome but... yes, better now that he slips under Rodney's shirt and reaches skin. Rodney groans at it, breath hitching when John thumbs at his nipples, already drawn tight. Rodney leaves John's mouth to nip and kiss at John's jaw, then his ear.
"What do you want," he whispers urgently, "tell me what I can do for you, John."
John arches off the bed at that, trying to reach Rodney's body hovering unfairly just out of reach.
"Get me off, please; I don't give a fuck how, just..." John babbles and Rodney bites his shoulder, which makes John cry out with pain and pleasure mixed.
"I told you to tell me," Rodney says, authoritative and it's unexpectedly hot, how he's taking charge. John keens, panting now and he wants anything, everything, he doesn't care as long as it's Rodney making him come. "Come on, John, focus. What do you want? My hand? My mouth? Do you want to fuck me? Or I could fuck you, too," Rodney lists, implacable.
Holy shit, John doesn't think he's going to last at all, not enough for any kind of fucking that's for sure. He tries to gets his hand down to his dick, just a couple of pulls will surely let him get off like a rocket and end this torture. But Rodney notices and catches his wrist, then forces it over John's head.
"Tell me," Rodney urges, eyes hungry and when he licks his lips John fixates on his mouth, shiny and wet now. He bites his own lips and he's sure Rodney knows exactly what he wants, with the evil but sexy smirk he does, but he's going to make John work for it.
"Blow me," John rasps out. "Please, Rodney, suck me. Please."
It comes out needy as hell, but John is past caring about that, now. Rodney smiles down at him, and then kisses him thoroughly as John clings at his upper arm with his free hand. When Rodney tries to move down to John's chest and hopefully soon his dick, John tugs at Rodney's shirt and chants, "Off, off, off, get it off!" when the garment resists his intentions.
Rodney laughs and releases him but John keeps his hand over his head, he can be good, real good. He even brings the other hand up and grabs the decoration in the wall at the head of his bed. Rodney gets up on his knees and pulls his shirt off over his head as John looks on with hunger at his wide shoulders, how strong he looks, and the tent in his khakis that he wants to touch.
"You're so hot," Rodney tells him, eyes raking John's body and it makes him want to do whatever Rodney wants. "I can't believe you're letting me even touch you."
"I'm not letting you anything," John says, "God, I want you, so bad. Please Rodney, it won't take much."
"Well excuse me for taking time to enjoy this," Rodney says, drawing some sort of designs over John's skin lightly with the tips of his fingers, on his chest and thighs, making John almost die of frustration because it's everywhere but where he wants contact the most.
"You sadistic bastard," John groans, shutting his eyes because maybe it will be more bearable if he doesn't see how much Rodney wants to just torture him. Of course it's not, though, John realizes as the touches become unpredictable and just more enhanced this way. "We'll do slow another time, Jesus, we'll do anything you want, any way you want it, as often as you want it, but god, please, just blow me now."
Rodney's hands still and John opens his eyes to Rodney looking at him with a shocked expression, mixed up with a bit of uncertainty, too. It's then John figures that Rodney probably thought this was meant to be a one time only deal. John wonders if this new development, that John wants it to happen again, is good or bad news for Rodney and his stomach drops.
"If you want, of course, only if you want," John says rapidly, hoping he didn't scare him off with his neediness.
John's never been more relieved to see Rodney roll his eyes at him. Rodney then slaps his thigh.
"For the love of... yes, I want that, you gorgeous idiot!" he says, resuming his caresses and John relaxes on the bed once more.
"Good. Awesome," John says, and he almost starts singing praises to the Lord when Rodney finally hooks his fingers in the waistband of John's boxers to strip them off, an endeavor John cooperates with willingly.
It seems that being reassured that he'll be able to touch John again is enough so that Rodney doesn't feel the need to torture him anymore, nudging John's thighs open so he can settle between them. If Rodney's hand closing on his dick makes the pleasure ratchet up right to the edge up of coming, John experiences some sort of dissociative black out when he's sucked into the wet inferno of Rodney's mouth. He howls, of that he's pretty sure, and there's sucking and a bit of thrusting and that's it, he's gone, his orgasm hitting so hard he seizes or close, colors exploding behind his eyelids. He surfs the wave of intense pleasure as long as he can, then he is sort of slammed back down inside his skin, dazed and wrung out.
He blinks Rodney into focus, who smiles and gives him a little kiss, then hastily unbuckles his belt and opens his pants, pushing them down his thighs. Distantly, John thinks he should be more of a participant right now, and do something to reciprocate. To his surprise he's still holding on to the wall over his head, and he slowly lets go, though he leaves his hands right there, on the pillow, because it would be too much of an effort to bring them down now. By then Rodney's got his cock in his hand and he's stripping it fast and hard, his other hand touching feather-like on John again.
"That was, that was incredible," Rodney's saying, raptured, and then his eyes white out, rolling back in his head as he starts to come, shooting on John's chest with a strangled shout. It's so hot, John thinks for a second that his dick might get interested all over again, but no, not happening for a little while. Once he's done, Rodney all but falls like a sack of potatoes by John's side, who chuckles at the nothing but smooth move. Rodney eyes him through half open eyes and, after almost starting to scowl at being mocked, he just beams at John.
"Incredible," Rodney repeats.
John grins right back, and then heroically manages to rearrange his limbs so he's turned on his side and has a leg thrown over the back of Rodney's thighs and a hand running over those amazing shoulders.
"Yeah," he says. Rodney makes a disgusted face when John's come-covered stomach gets in contact with his arm. John snorts. "Your mess," he teases.
"Oh, believe me, I know," Rodney says, flops his head to the other side, wiggles a bit with his arm on the edge of the bed, then twists so he's on his side facing John holding John's boxers that he uses to swipe away the come on his own arm and John's chest. His adorable look of concentration while doing so makes it impossible to resist kissing him again. John cups Rodney's face and kisses him softly, and then when Rodney responds immediately he makes the kiss deeper, keeping it lazy and sweet. Rodney's arm closes around his back and hauls him closer, until they are plastered together, making out.
John feels relaxed bone deep, soaking it all in, refusing to think of what comes next to just enjoy the moment as much as he can. He's riding high on endorphins and there's also the haze of the sleeping pills that are trying to pull him deep. His heartbeat is coming back down and he nuzzles at Rodney's neck, making contented noises and Rodney's hand goes back to John's neck, then threads through his hair, scratching his scalp. Rodney's whispering, although it's a bit distant, something about how it's okay to sleep, that he's not going anywhere and John lets go, going under.
***
There's a clicking noise, coming from close by, and John tries to get his awareness on but everything is sluggish. It doesn't seem to be a threat, there's something deeply familiar about it, but he doesn't know what. John tries to shake his head but it's so heavy, he can barely move. Then there are fingers in his hair and a hushed.
"Shhh, it's okay, sleep some more."
Rodney, that's Rodney. Immediately John relaxes and doesn't try to force his eyes open anymore. He drifts, comfortable, thoughts not able to focus on anything in particular. Rodney's there, so everything is OK, that he feels on a visceral level. He's not falling back asleep, though, and John slowly gets his bearings back. He's plastered to Rodney's legs, who's sitting against the headboard. In his bed. The clicking is the laptop. Why Rodney is working on his bed seems incongruous until John remembers what happened earlier. He had sex with Rodney, holy shit. Sensing that he's stirring awake, Rodney pets him some more.
"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you. I should go," Rodney says.
John manages to put his arm over Rodney's legs.
"No," he rasps out.
"Okay," Rodney says. Then, after more clicking. "You're surprisingly cuddly."
A grunt is all that he can manage at the moment. Whatever. If he wants to cuddle, he'll cuddle. John throws a leg over Rodney's shin for good measure. Rodney snorts.
"And adorable. How a 40 year old man manages to be adorable, I don't know."
Being adorable isn't that bad, so John lets it pass.
"What time is it?" John mumbles, and he's afraid it doesn't come out that clearly.
"Time? Oh, it's 4 am. You slept a good ten hours, but you should get some more."
"Four?" John groans. He can't believe Rodney got up to work in the middle of the night.
"I... I can't sleep more than five hours at a time," Rodney admits. "I tried, I really did, but I couldn't. So it was either borrowing your laptop or going to the lab, and..." Rodney trails off, as John makes himself more comfortable. It's better that he stayed here. "I didn't want you to wake up alone and wonder if I'd freaked out."
"You're not?" John asks, while he wonders about his own state of panic. For the moment it's pretty low. He's a bit surprised about that, to be honest.
"No, no, not really. I don't quite know what's happening, or what you want, but we'll figure it out," Rodney says, and gives John's head a pat for good measure.
It should not make John smile, that Rodney takes this in stride. Whatever John expects, Rodney always manages to surprise him at the oddest moment.
"I, huh, reevaluated our friendship," John admits, echoing Rodney's words from his office. He wishes he could say more than that.
Rodney gently pries John's face from where it's snuggled against his thigh and forces him to look up at him, then trails his fingers on John's cheekbone. His eyes are soft and there's a little smile hovering.
"I'm glad you did. You know I've been hopelessly crushing on you since we got here, right?" he asks.
He can't help it, John feels his eyes go round. He had no idea.
"No?" he says, sheepish. God, he's so bad at this. Rodney laughs, though, shaking his head.
"Well that must be the first time I've successfully managed to hide my unrequited love from anyone," he says, smiling still. "I'd thought my jealousy at the women hitting on you would have given you a hint."
"I thought you wanted them!" John says, but wow, it does make a certain amount of sense. It doesn't explain everything, though. "But... Katie and Keller?"
Rodney shrugs.
"I honestly thought you were totally off limits, I was trying to find something nice for myself, and I did love them, too," Rodney says, then frowns. "Since when do you have interest in men, anyway?"
John winces. Good question.
"Huh, well... I'm, not really? I mean I looked, but I didn't... Just you?" he admits, wondering if it's going to seem weird or not serious. But Rodney blinks and seems quite awed at that. He closes his laptop, puts it on the nightstand and wiggles down until he's facing John, whose heart is beating hard and fast. He's being observed closely and it's a bit unnerving, makes him want to wrap himself in the sheet for protection.
"That's... wow," Rodney says, grabbing John's chin to force him to look at him again. "Do you know what you want, John?"
God, his heart is going to beat right out of his chest. John nods, but can't seem to find the words. It's so typical he could cry of frustration.
"It was pretty clear earlier that you want, you know, more sex with me, eventually. It was pretty awesome if I say so myself," Rodney says with a little leer that makes John smile.
"Yeah, plenty of that," he admits, because it was more than pretty awesome. "But more, too. I mean... it's not just that," John tries to explain, reaching for Rodney's face at his turn to cup his cheek and leans forward, kissing him softly on the lips.
At that Rodney breaks into a full grin, and he looks so happy that John has no choice but smile too, giddy. He wants to make Rodney happy like that all the time.
"Are you admitting feelings, Sheppard?" he teases.
John rolls his eyes. Of course he is, but as usual he's really bad at articulating them.
"Yeah. When you were gone, I freaked. I can't do this on my own, Rodney. I want... I need you with me."
Rodney kisses him again for that.
"Okay, yes. God, I'm sorry, but I couldn't let that stupid thing hurt you. I had to fix this, before I came back. If it makes you feel any better, I thought of you all the time. I just hoped that you'd keep your heroic ass out of trouble, if I wasn't there to save you."
John doesn't want to think about those horrible weeks anymore. Instead he reassures himself by almost crawling over Rodney and hugs him hard.
"I missed you. So much," John whispers.
"Yeah, me too," Rodney says, hugging him back just as hard. "I heard you terrorized everyone."
"The idiots didn't help to find you, of course I did," John says. He's not going to start feeling bad about that now. "I can be kind of an asshole, you know."
"I noticed. And I'm... well. You know me. Are you sure?" he sounds so small and insecure that John curses Keller and everyone who put the doubt in Rodney that he can't be loved as he is.
"Won't ask you to change," John promises, kissing Rodney's neck because it's right there.
"Though we'll have to talk about working in bed. I'm a very light sleeper."
Rodney laughs softly.
"I'd been working for three hours when you woke up," he says.
"I was drugged!" John counters. "We'll figure it out, right?"
"Yes we will," Rodney says, caressing his back soothingly. "I promise."
Promises can be made sincerely, John's sure Rodney is convinced when he says that, but real life is a bitch. Who knows what will happen. One thing is for sure, John wants to believe.
"Good," John says, nibbling on Rodney's lobe and he's pleased to see it results in goose bumps on Rodney's neck. As far as he's concerned, they've talked enough. Sometime while John was sleeping, Rodney got out of his pants, but kept his boxers and John trails his fingers to the elastic. John's getting hard, feeling all of Rodney's skin against his own, remembering what happened but everything Rodney offered, too. Experimentally, John pushes his groin against Rodney's hip and yeah, that's good.
"Horny again?" Rodney asks.
John pushes until he's effectively on top of Rodney and plants his hands firmly on either side of his head, then pushes up to look at him.
"Is it a problem?" John says, and then waggles his eyebrows, which earns him a crooked smile.
"Let me officially welcome you to the wonderful world of gay sex with me," Rodney says, mock serious. "Meaning that I'm, well, practically always in the mood, as one should be."
John grins.
"I like the sound of that," he says with a leer, knowing it's exaggerated but it makes Rodney giggle, which is a win. Making his best Rodney impression, John continues. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to start some catching up on my repressed homosexual tendencies by getting better acquainted with your penis, and, if possible, give you a blow job that is not the worst recorded in recent history."
Rodney laughs at that, but it turns into a moan as John starts licking and biting down his chest.
"Oh, believe me, you can't go wrong," he pants, writing under him as John suckles on a nipple.
John's not really worried. Mouth plus dick is a winning combo, even if inexperienced.
In fact, he has a good feeling about this, about being with Rodney and he's going to do his best so he doesn't fuck it up.
But that's a long term project. For now, he's got work to do.
The End.
Master Fic Post
Thank you so much for reading ♥
Of all things, they're in a senior staff meeting when the alarms start blaring in the control room. John gets up and jogs out, foregoing the radio for direct contact.
"What's going on?" he asks.
"Unscheduled gate activation, Colonel," the technician says as the puddle forms, and John notices it's that Forsberg kid again. "It's... it's Dr. McKay's former IDC, and we have an incoming radio transmission."
John blinks, but gestures to the marines to get into position, firearms at the ready. Heart speeding up, he nods.
"Keep the shield up, but open the radio channel," John says.
"Identify yourself, please," Forsberg asks.
"Atlantis, it's Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay," Rodney's voice sounds through the speakers. "If you'd lower the shield, please, I'd like to come through. Oh, and no shooting, if that's not too much of a problem?"
"Your IDC is incorrect, McKay," John says, surprised his voice sounds normal because he's a mess inside at the moment. "You know the drill."
"Oh, come on, like I remember your stupid code phrases to prove I'm not calling with a gun to my head, Colonel. Was it "Nothing special to report" to say I'm caught or to say I'm clear? I never got the hang of that one."
John can't help it: he smiles because that's such a McKay thing to say.
"To say you're caught, Rodney," John says. Obviously he's not, or he would not be speaking about protocol. "We're lowering the shield; get your ass over here."
The barrier is taken down and it's with a relieved sigh that Rodney answers.
"Thank god, okay, coming in. Remember, no holes!"
A second later, Rodney steps through, maybe a bit slimmer and with longer hair, but looking perfectly fine and not injured. He's dressed in the Pegasus equivalent of civilian clothes, but carrying his gear in his arms, holding the guns by the barrels away from him to show he's not going to use them, conform to the protocol he just pretended he never bothered learning. The first thing he does it to shove the P-90 in the hands of the closest marine, but then Rodney’s grinning up at them, and holds up a finger in a 'wait' gesture.
"I've been waiting to do this for weeks!" he says, getting on his knees, and then he kisses the ground, before laying his cheek on the metal floor, looking ecstatic. "I'm back baby, missed me?" he croons at the damn floor, maybe even petting it.
John's shaking his head, smile wide because, god, Rodney's back and he's OK. After a beat, he follows the others down the stairs. It's Ronon who gets to McKay first and hauls him up, before squeezing him in a bear hug. There's a little crowd gathering, with welcomes and people telling Rodney they are glad he's back. Rodney laughs and hangs on as Ronon almost smothers him, letting go only to gather a Teyla, who looks almost bouncy, in his arms next. John hovers close but he sidesteps to let Carlson, Radek and even Woolsey gets a quick hug because he doesn't quite know what to do, if he should step forward or maybe just give Rodney a clap on the back. He's no good with the whole hugging business, Rodney knows that.
It seems, though, that Rodney takes the decision away from him after letting go of Woolsey because he zeros on John's eyes, grins and just glomps him. It makes John laugh and he finds himself holding back just as fiercely, his hand fisting is the linen of Rodney's shirt. He's solid and real, and John feels flooded by a huge sense of relief. Finally. John's pretty sure he hears a couple of "awww!" but he just doesn't care. John's no expert in the matter, but the hug seems to go on for a long time and when Rodney pulls back, he keeps a strong grip on one of John's upper arms even as he turns to their friends.
"I missed you guys," he says at large, but he squeezes John's arm at the same time. You most of all it says and John can't stop smiling. He pats Rodney on the back and rests his hand there for a moment, which feels like a bold move, at least for him.
"We've missed you too, lad," Carson says, eyes suspiciously shiny. "But you've got to come with me to the infirmary, get checked out."
"Yes, okay, but I'm fine," Rodney says.
It's like it shakes John from his happy stupor, bringing back how much time Rodney's been away and they still don't know why. John grabs Rodney's left forearm and yanks the shirt up, looking for that mysterious bracelet. There's nothing but his watch, though.
"You know about that?" Rodney says, understanding perfectly what John's doing. "Shit, don't tell me someone else got caught! I told you to stay away from that thing!" he starts to rant, snatching his arm back.
"What the fuck happened, McKay?" John asks, all of the worry coming back and making him snap. "You get up and leave without telling anyone? Do you have any idea..."
"Well excuse me, Colonel, but I had no choice!" Rodney yells right back.
"Gentleman, why don't we let Dr. McKay go to the infirmary and debrief later?" Woolsey cuts in, just like Teyla puts a calming hand on Rodney's shoulder as they glare at one another. Rodney has no right to be pissy about John wanting an explanation.
"Yes, we are all anxious to know what happened, but it can wait," Teyla says softly, obviously to them both.
"I'll bring you some food," Ronon says and that makes Rodney look at him with huge grateful eyes.
"Oh, god, yes please. I'm starving," he says, already falling in step behind Carlson on his way to the infirmary. John considers following, feeling a deep urge not to let Rodney out of his sight ever again, but he's afraid he's just going to get in the way and shake Rodney until he says what the hell happened. Instead, he climbs back up the stairs and in the conference room, sits in his chair, and grab his computer. The list of the planets explored or not is still opened in a corner and John clicks the window shut viciously. Rodney better have a good explanation for this.
He opens mine sweeper.
***
It takes almost two hours before they're all back for the debrief. Rodney's apparently showered, changed, fed and perfectly healthy if you believe Carlson. John on the other hand just took all of that time to brood and work up a temper, so when the actual explanation he waited so long for starts, he doesn't even participate, just listens.
As they had guessed, it started when that machine that reads thoughts acted up.
"By that time I thought I perfectly understood its function, but it suddenly whipped out one of the wiry extensions that wrapped around my wrist. The connection was instant and it told me what to do."
"The machine spoke to you?" Zelenka asks.
"No, no, by then it knew my thought patterns exactly, and it just flashed the situation right into my brain. In details." Rodney all but shudders. "It was creepy as hell."
"Images and..." Zelenka starts.
"The whole nine yards, images, sound, concepts... pretty disorienting in fact, and for a minute there I thought my head would explode," Rodney says quietly, as if reminiscing.
"What did it say?" Woolsey asks.
"The machine, over the week I had been using it, had not only read the thoughts I wanted to get translated on file, which, you know, if it worked as it seemed to work, it would be the best invention in the history of forever, but, well, it pretty much had psychoanalyzed me completely and had designed my path to Ascension. No less."
Ascension. Again. There's an audible groan from the room at large and Rodney is shaking his head knowingly.
"And what, it sent you on a spiritual quest?" Ronon asks.
"Please, don't be ridiculous," Rodney says, rolling his eyes, but then pauses and seems to think about it. "Well I'll be damned. It was exactly that. When the necessary steps I'd have to do were downloaded in my head, for lack of a better word, the umbilical cord detached but left me with a piece of it around my wrist. I tried to force it off but it shocked me. For every try I made the shock was stronger, enough to make my heart start to beat strangely."
"But why leave and tell no one? We could have helped!" Carson says, and Zelenka nods.
"That was the catch! My supposed path to Ascension had to be done alone. If I even mentioned it or asked for help to remove the device, then the bracelet would know, with the mind reading, and not only shock me, but hurt the person I was asking for help, too. That thing was nasty," Rodney says, absentmindedly rubbing his left wrist.
"You couldn't just work on getting it off, by yourself, while staying on Atlantis?" Lorne says.
"No, the first part of the road to Ascension was to leave Atlantis and truly be on my own. I even had a fucking time table to respect, or it would hurt selected people closest to me, at random. The images were horrific, very vivid and specific. I could not take the chance."
"So you made up that fake trip to YY7-636, and then just got out of dodge?" Lorne says.
"Exactly. I had a couple of things to achieve before the road was traveled completely, then I could ascend."
"You look the same," Ronon says, looking pointedly at Rodney.
"That's because I found a way to beat the bracelet before I got there," Rodney says, with a hit of smugness.
"I do not understand: how could you beat it, if it read your mind?" Teyla asks.
"It's complicated," Rodney says, starting to wave his hands. "I had to perfect thinking two things simultaneously."
"Think two things simultaneously? Is that even possible?" Zelenka says.
"Obviously, yes. We multitask all the time, a song while working, doing a repetitive movement and thinking about what we need to do the next day. It's just that one thought process, the mindless one, falls to the background. I had to make that background noise louder, to cover what I was trying to do, since the device could only pick up on the loudest thing going on in my head at one time."
"And you managed to do it?" Teyla says.
"Not without getting tons of shocks with my trial and errors, but yes. I needed something that engaged my attention, but that I could do easily enough. Then when I was deep in that task, I had to make it take up a lot of space in the thought process while on the other hand I could try various things to get the bracelet off."
"Tinkering on engines. That's why you contacted the Travelers," Zelenka says with an approving nod.
"Oh, you knew about that, too?" Rodney frowns, "They never told me that you tried to contact them. By the way, Miss Bondage needs to stay the fuck away, I think she has an eye on the biggest spaceship of them all," Rodney says, twirling his finger around to indicate Atlantis.
Ah, well Larrin could dream on, John thought.
"When did you manage to get it off?" Ronon asks.
"Two days ago. I was working on Larrin's propulsion system, reciting loudly in my head every little movement I was doing, and after days of weakening the damn bracelet at the latch point it finally opened. Frankly I could not believe my eyes, it had been such a bitch to get off. Once that was done, I had to dispose of it in a way that it could not communicate with the device here on Atlantis," Rodney says.
"Meaning?" Woolsey demands.
"I dropped it in a volcano on U6T-876," he answers, looking extremely satisfied by the end the device met. If you ask John, he would say his geek is showing: it's a bit too Lords of the Rings as far as solutions go.
"Were you with the Travelers all that time?" Lorne asks.
"What? No, no, just the last ten days. Too much, if you ask me: they might be resourceful, but they're the most cut throat people I've ever met. And the food..." Rodney makes a disgusted face.
"Before that, to what planets did you go?" Ronon says.
"I spent the first two days on Hoff, and then I went back to YY7-636," Rodney says.
"YY7-636?" Lorne repeats, blinking. John is just as stunned, that's the planet where Rodney went missing in the first place.
"Yes. I figured that you'd search elsewhere, once it was clear I was gone. It's an okay world, civilized enough, I found a job fixing Ancient tech for someone who supplies another someone who has a booth in the market in exchange for board and food."
John scoffs inwardly. He'd imagined Rodney lost, terrified, maybe even in danger and he was fixing gizmos?
"And how was the path to ascension?" Teyla asks.
"Oh, that." Rodney sort of waves. "I was supposed to learn to trust people, to realize most of them meant good. Another goal was to atone the everyday fears, etc. So basically it was a lot of bullshit. You can understand how I HAD to get that thing off my arm."
"Now what?" Lorne asks.
"What what?" Rodney says, frowning.
"Are we safe?" Lorne clarifies.
"We've got to lock that machine up until there is a way to neutralize the Ascension function. No one else got caught, right?" Rodney asks, anxious.
"No, we isolated it. I did analyze the results of the first schematics, and..." Zelenka starts to explain.
"Yeah," Rodney says, wistful. "It has so much potential. Does anyone have other questions? I'm beat, you have no idea."
Like it's going to be that easy. There's a lot more ground to cover.
"Did you talk to many people while out there?" John asks.
Rodney turns to him, looking pleased that he's finally interacting. He's thrown him several looks all through the debrief, obviously wondering what is wrong.
"Several, but no I didn't discuss Atlantis. With anyone," Rodney says. John's not so sure about that one, sometimes Rodney talks and talks and doesn't even realize the shit he lets slip. Rodney's continuing. "The only ones who had an idea who I was were the Travelers and Maya on YY7-636, who swore she would not try to contact you guys or tell anyone about me. Oh, and maybe Geron, the domestic. I mostly kept to myself."
"Maya?" John asks.
It's with a pleased little smile that Rodney answers.
"Yes. It's at her place I was staying. She's something special alright, and brilliant enough to understand our collaboration on the repairs of Ancient gadgets would be mutually beneficial," Rodney says, and for some reason John imagines her tall, blond and curvy and he's hit from nowhere by a wave of jealousy that leaves him destabilized.
"You better not have talked too much, McKay," John grouses, gathering his stuff. He suddenly feels like he's suffocating, and he needs some air.
"Please, I'm not stupid," Rodney says with a frown. "I'd never deliberately weaken Atlantis."
John stands, ready to make his escape, then shakes his head.
"Oh, deliberately is not the problem, in fact that's my whole point," John jabs, and sees hurt flash on Rodney's face. He immediately feels bad about it, which makes him brusque. "Okay, I think that's enough?" John asks Woolsey, who looking at John curiously.
"Hum, yes," Woolsey turns to Rodney. "Of course we'll need a detailed report of the events."
Rodney nods.
"It may take a few days."
"Go rest, Doctor McKay. It's good to have you back," Woolsey says with a smile, which makes Rodney beam. It's a bit much for John, who leaves without another word.
He really needs to get his head back together, and fast.
****
John figures that eventually Rodney's going to try to corner him, but at the moment he really doesn't want to talk or explain his attitude. He doesn't even understand it himself, anyway! It's not that he's unhappy that Rodney's back, he's thrilled! But there's a whole mess of feelings that comes with that, which John doesn't know how to deal with. He likes Rodney a lot more than he thought, now what? You can't come out to your best friend and say "hey, man, when you were gone, I realized I was gay for you... what do you think?" It would only make things awkward, and maybe torpedo their friendship; John better keep quiet.
Most probably, it will take some adjustment. John will need to stay away a bit, so that his crush passes, and he's pretty sure he can keep his game face on enough that no one will notice. Of course Teyla and Ronon know, but he'll ask them to keep it shut. He just hopes they will not try to play matchmaker.
John's strumming with restless energy, and even destroying a couple of paper targets at the firing range doesn't help. Running it is, then. John goes to change, then starts the course where there's a fuckload of stairs.
If he's about to start to feel sorry for himself, he'll at least have a reason to.
***
Maybe he'd overdone it a little, but John is beat. The shower pounds on his shoulders and he has a flash of the first day Rodney went missing, and how he didn't notice right away because he was tired and didn't pay attention to little things that were different. Not that it would have changed anything, he reasons.
John towels dry and puts on new boxers before going back in his bedroom. If he's lucky, he'll sleep now that Rodney's home. There's something not quite right and John tenses, and swivels to the door at the same time Rodney coughs to grab his attention.
"Wha...!" John almost squeaks, getting in defensive position as Rodney backs up, raising his hands.
"Sorry, sorry, I rang but you didn't answer!" Rodney says.
"That's because I was in the shower," John shoots back, rolling his eyes.
"I can see that, now, sorry. I thought you didn't want to talk to me," Rodney says, looking apologetic at least.
"And that allows you to break into my room how?" John says, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Oh and you're right, I don't want to talk to you."
Rodney's face all but falls at that, and he looks miserable.
"But why? I don't understand!"
John sighs and rubs the heel of his hands in his eye sockets.
"Look, I'm tired, you're tired. You should go. We'll talk some other time," John says.
"But you're pissed at me! And I don't know why and it's driving me nuts!" Rodney says, fast, obviously distressed.
"It's not you, it's me," John says, and half smiles at the lame way it comes out. Rodney groans.
"Shit, that's never good," Rodney says, and then his eyes go wide. "Oh my god, you're breaking up with me!"
This time, John shakes his head, amused despite himself.
"I can't break up with you, McKay, we're not even dating," John reasons.
"Well that's your interpretation," Rodney grumbles and frankly it sends John's mind reeling. "No, I meant that you're ending our friendship; that you've finally had enough."
"I never said that," John says, dropping to sit on his bed. "Just... don't push it, Rodney. Not tonight."
The problem is that Rodney's stretching himself as tall as he can, crossing his arms, bracing his feet and raising his chin.
"Oh, I want to know, and I'll know," he says.
When he gets like this, Rodney is the proverbial unmovable object. John gets up, passes by Rodney and opens the door, then gestures towards the corridor.
"And I say that you're going to go do whatever you generally do at this hour, I'll go and have a good night sleep and we will talk another time," John says coolly, but he feels his temper rise again.
"You seemed happy enough to see me when I came through the gate," Rodney says, like a dog with a bone. "But then you became all prissy about security and secrets. You know I can keep shut when I want."
It will be next to impossible to get rid of him, now, John reasons.
"Fine, I know, sorry I said anything. Now please go," John says. It's better if they don't fight.
John doesn't trust himself not to say things he should keep secret.
"But I don't understand! It's not like I wanted to go, I was forced to!" Rodney says.
"You don't know that, you didn't stay long enough so that we could try and help you," John says, voice rising.
"What, and risk what that machine had shown me?" Rodney says, eyes wide at whatever horrors that means. He shakes his head. "No way."
John had a lot of trouble imagining how terrible that could be.
"It's a long shot that it could have done whatever you saw. It was probably just some bluff."
John gestures to the still open door.
"No, it wasn't," Rodney said, shooting daggers. "On YY7-636, I did ask Geron for help after a couple of days. The shock was so strong we both passed out. He was scared of me for weeks after that, I was lucky he didn't run to the gate and rat me out to you guys."
Ouch, okay so maybe it was not just paranoia. But they could have tried. Rodney starts for the door and John breathes a sigh of relief. At last. But just before he reaches the door, Rodney turns and shoots John a glance. He's still angry and confused.
"It was you, by the way," Rodney says and John frowns, not understanding. "The device made it very clear that if I didn't get out of Atlantis in less than one hour, it would go after you."
He says it as if it explains everything, then turns and leaves.
***
Predictably, John doesn't sleep that night. He goes to the mess hall on autopilot and the shock of seeing Rodney sitting with Teyla and Ronon at their usual table is like a physical punch. He's grateful, but still so confused that he doesn't quite know how to react. John decides that acting as if nothing ever happened has served him enough in his life that he can give it another shot. He loads a tray and sits down next to McKay.
"Morning," he says.
"Good morning John," Teyla says, smiling at him and Ronon grunts around a mouthful of muffin.
"Morning," Rodney says back, but barely, busy inhaling his coffee.
John eyebrows rise at his obvious relish.
"Missed that?" he asks Rodney.
"I missed a lot of things," Rodney counters, when the cup is drained, although he doesn't even look at John. He then starts to demolish his scrambled eggs.
John starts eating his toast and his mind wanders. They don't have any missions scheduled in the next week, since he was on vacation and got back before time was up, but maybe he could put them back on the roster. Doing normal stuff, getting back in the routine would probably help everything fall back into normalcy faster. The next thing he's aware of, Rodney's getting up.
"Okay, so lab time. I'll be at it all day, surely," Rodney says.
"They will be glad to have you back," Teyla says.
"For ten minutes," Ronon adds with a toothy grin.
Rodney scoffs, but the side of his mouth is tilting up in a smile.
"Maybe less," he agrees.
"Later!" John says cheerfully, as he leaves and Rodney turns back to give him a confused look.
John can't blame him. He's way confused too.
***
In an idealized version of the return scenario, John had thought that when Rodney got back, everything would fall into place again. In reality, he's just as exhausted as before and doesn't seem to be able to concentrate on his job any more than a couple of weeks ago. John sighs as the print on the requisition just moves around, and he slumps in his chair. He better screw his head back on soon. He probably needs just a bit more time, so that it sinks in.
But what's really happening is that everything he lived with - the frustration, the emptiness, the fucking longing he felt for Rodney - is still there even with him back. It just morphed. John's no longer worried that Rodney could be in danger, or worse, because he sees Rodney at least five times a day, or at least hear him. The way the science team scuttle left and right, eyes a little wide, is proof enough that he's back.
The city didn't sink while under Zelenka's supervision and it's like it's a direct affront to Rodney, who spends long hours in the lab getting back into things in order to rant at every mistake he finds. At first Zelenka takes it in his stride, as if he has kind of missed it, but after two or three days with no improvement in Rodney's temper, John hears rumors of resignation and that he's threatening to go back to Earth. John's not worried, Zelenka will never do that.
John does a complicated dance around Rodney, hovering just in his periphery: he's reassuring himself that everything is OK, but avoids spending time with him directly. It's too raw, too soon, and he's worried that Rodney will find out that something changed and that he'll cut John away for good. He tries to act normal at meals, but it's stilted and Ronon and Teyla are trying to guilt trip him with the sole means of raised eyebrows.
He thinks he didn't do so badly at lunch though. They'd fallen into pretty easy banter about the worst food they'd ever eaten on Earth, a change from the usual daydreaming, and John had laughed until he cried about stories of Rodney's Great Aunt Martha and how her haggis had traumatized a young Rodney for life. When John finally managed to stop the laughing, still smiling so wide his cheek hurt, Rodney was practically radiating smugness and beamed at him. The swell of feeling that had accompanied it for John was immediately followed by the dread of knowing he was so very fucked. John had stiffened up, and then made a half hearted excuse to flee.
The small office that holds all of John's backdated paperwork is a nice place to hide, but unfortunately not a deterrent enough to a determined Rodney McKay. Without any warning or even a simple - it's just polite! - ringing of the chime, Rodney barges in. John expects insults or demands that he explains himself, so he braces for it.
"Do you want to watch a movie tonight?" Rodney asks.
It's so surprising that John is left gaping.
"What?"
"It's Wednesday. So, do you want to watch a movie tonight or not. The question is simple enough, you use either yes or no to answer," Rodney says, visibly tense.
John had not been expecting that. But then again, they often did Wednesday movies, before, generally in Rodney's quarters. Where John had jerked off, thinking of him. John is pretty sure he would not make it 90 minutes next to Rodney without dying of embarrassment or doing something stupid, like make a move. He feels himself flush, raises some forms and taps them on the desk, even though they made a very ineffectual shield.
"Ah, huh, well no, sorry. I have something planned," John says lamely, fidgeting.
Rodney looks at him, face going blank.
"No, you don't," he declares.
John almost squirms, ears hot. He knows he's caught.
"Okay, I don't," John says, getting up, grabbing his stuff. "I don't feel like it, I didn't want to sound rude."
That's when Rodney's carefully composed mask just cracks.
"What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with you, Sheppard?" Rodney asks, low and angry.
There is no good answer to that. He eyes the door, but Rodney's blocking it, so John fixes a point just over his shoulder.
"I don't know what you're talking about," John says, then decides to chance an escape. He tries to go around Rodney, but he's not moving an inch, even shoots his arm out to block John's path.
"Oh no, you're not running away again, you asshole," he hisses and whoa, that's a level of pissed off John hasn't seen often. It does make him stop, and even step back. He's not going to look at Rodney in the eyes, though, or speak up. "Okay, let me tell you what I'm talking about. One minute everything is fine, the next you totally shut off and it's like we're strangers, or worse. What's with the hot and cold treatment, Sheppard?"
John shakes his head.
"Nothing, nothing. It's just been a rough time, I need time to adjust," he says.
"And what, you think it's been a walk in the park for me?" Rodney says, cold. "I was terrified. Alone. All I wanted was to come home, and when I do, my best friend's acting like he'd prefer I'd never come back."
"What?" John exclaims, finally meeting Rodney's eyes, and he looks angry but also a bit lost. "I'm happy you're back, Rodney. Really."
Rodney snorts.
"Yeah, for the good of Atlantis, yadda, yadda," he says. "I guess that a month long vacation from me let you reevaluate our friendship." He turns, as if to go in a huff.
The words sink in and it's suddenly John's turn to see red. He grabs Rodney's vest as he's about to exit, shuts the door and pushes Rodney against it, his back hitting hard. John gets in his personal space, using the couple of inches he has to the maximum to intimidate.
"Vacation?" John says, softly but tense with anger. Blue eyes widen with surprise, Rodney is frozen. "You think that this was fucking vacation for me?" he all but yells next. At this very moment, he's scaring Rodney and he knows it. But he's too far gone to stop, although he lowers his tone. "Oh no, this was not a vacation. I was worried out of my mind, you jerk. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I searched everywhere and then some, fought with Woolsey, name it."
"I... I know that you..." Rodney looks apologetic at least.
"You left, Rodney! Not a word, not one tiny hint, you just got up and left!" John shouts.
"But..." Rodney tries to defend himself.
"You left me!" John yells again, but at the way Rodney's eyes widen, he knows he's gone too far. John can't look at him anymore, and his flight instinct soars, but Rodney’s still in the way, blocking the door. Wishing he could hide, John drops his forehead to Rodney's shoulders. Just one second and he's going to get himself together and make an exit as dignified as he can. That was not factoring Rodney's arms coming up to wrap around him in an embrace more than a hug, rubbing his back lightly. John wishes he didn't like it so much.
"I shouldn't have said that," Rodney whispers. "I didn't think... I'm sorry you were so worried."
"I just need a bit of time," John mumbles back. "It can't go back to like it was before just like that."
"Okay, okay, if you say so. But I... I don't understand why. I'm back, now," Rodney says, honestly puzzled.
"I know, I'm just fucked up, I haven't slept in so long it's like I don't know how anymore," John says. "It makes me cranky."
"Ask Jennifer, she'll give you something," Rodney says.
"That's not a good idea. Woolsey and her are just waiting for something like that to sideline me for a while," John says. "I've been, uh, hard to work with lately."
"Jesus, John," Rodney says, still rubbing his back and John wants to arch into it like a cat, it feels so good. He turns his head a little, gets the tip of his nose against the skin of Rodney's neck. God, if only he could just... But Rodney's pushing him away, disengaging from the sort of hug and John tries not to feel too lost at that. It was really nice for a moment, there. But Rodney grabs his wrist, opening the door and drags John behind him in the corridor without even explaining what's going on. John almost stumbles but follows.
"Huh Rodney?" John asks.
"Hush. I'm going to try to help you," Rodney says, getting them in a transporter, and a flash later they exit near their quarters.
It seems they're going fast towards Rodney's room. Until then, John was following in a daze, but upon getting there he starts to pull back, trying to break the hold.
Rodney does let him go, and dashes in, as John hovers in the opened doorway, frowning at Rodney who disappears in the bathroom, exiting almost immediately shaking a little bottle with a triumphant smile.
"I knew I had some of these left. Okay, so come on," Rodney says, passing by John again and exiting the room, definitely on a mission.
Curious, John follows.
"Well thanks, but..." he stutters to a stop when Rodney stops before John's own door, and makes a little impatient gesture.
"Open up!" he says, and as if on automatic, John does it and follows him in. Rodney points to the bed. "Okay, so now you're going to rest."
"It's not even dinner time, Rodney!" John says, rolling his eyes.
"Who cares? If you need sleep that much, you'll sleep right through. Those pills could knock out an elephant."
John frowns.
"I don't really like that sort of thing," John says. He hates the groggy feeling and not being in control of his body.
"Relax, Sheppard, we won't get attacked in the middle of the night, and if so I'll give you the magic cure, I have those too."
It probably should be worrisome that Rodney's so at ease with uppers/downers, but at the moment sleep sounds like a very very good idea. John sits on his bed and takes off his boots while Rodney disappears into his bathroom. He comes back with a glass of water and one pill.
"I usually take two. One should be good for you. It's going to be okay, I swear it's good stuff."
"You sound like a dealer, Rodney," John says with a small smile, swallowing it with a gulp of water. He almost chokes on it when Rodney reaches to his head and touches his ear, sporting a thoughtful expression, but before John can react, he realizes Rodney was getting his radio, that he puts on the nightstand.
"Okay, so now strip and lie down," Rodney says casually and John's glad he's done with the water, because he'd spray it out.
"What?"
"You'll sleep better if you're comfortable and you know it," Rodney says. "Just lose the pants and the vest, it's not that difficult!"
It's almost awkward, getting undressed and John feels his ear turn red.
"Come on, I've seen you strip down in missions, what's taking you so long?" Rodney says, impatient as always.
It's true, they've all seen each other in various state of undress and John has even shared small tents with Rodney wearing just his boxers because it was so hot, and he's never been self conscious about it. In an effort to make the situation seem as normal as possible, John shrugs and just gets it done, while Rodney hums, satisfied. Figuring that just doing what Rodney says is the best hope that he’ll finally leave - to let him emote in peace and, if possible, sleep - John only keeps boxers and t-shirt and climbs in his bed, lying down on his stomach.
"I'm not sleepy," John says, punching his pillow a little, and then resting his head, turning towards Rodney who's looking back at him with his head tilted, considering.
"You'll be soon," Rodney says, "but you need to relax a bit, you look tense like a bow."
John scoffs.
"Look who's talking," he says. Rodney always looks like he's tied into knots. "Shouldn't you, I don't know, leave and let me try to fall asleep?"
There's no chance he'll go to sleep if Rodney hovers on the side of his bed like this. John closes his eyes, trying to encourage him to go.
"Yes, in a minute. First..." Rodney says and John feels his bed dip near his hip and a second later he almost yelps when Rodney straddles his tights.
"The fuck?" John says, heart racing, but Rodney's big hands are already kneading at his trapezes, thumbs digging at the base of his neck and he groans, half in pleasure and half in pain.
"I give excellent back rubs," Rodney says, as he continues to squeeze and stroke in a way that has John wanting to fervently agree. "Jesus, Sheppard, you're sure those are muscles, not rocks?"
With that Rodney tugs John's t-shirt off then starts to vigorously work the cricks and knots in John's back. It alternately hurts like hell - making him want to beg that he stops- but that's until the pain gives way to relief and he never, ever wants it to end. It's absolutely incredible. John tries to stay as boneless as he can and maybe the sleeping pill Rodney gave him is starting to kick in because he has the impression he's going to turn liquid pretty soon. At the same time, predictably, Rodney's touch on his back and the nonsense commentary he keeps - to be honest, John's not listening at all - is also making heat curl up in his belly. John has to fight to stifle his moans, only allowing little grunts to escape when Rodney hits a particular sore spot.
It goes on for a little while, although John would not be able to say how long, and he's tripping a little, floating on a sea of sensation and building arousal, when he realizes that Rodney's at his lower back, just over his ass and everything kicks up a notch. John suddenly has to work to keep his breathing slow and relaxed, and he also knows that the back rub is coming to an end. Rodney, who's been working very systematically with efficient and no-nonsense touches that were nothing but business, slows down and John just can't help the tiny whine of protest when Rodney's hands leave his back.
"I knew you'd like it," Rodney says with a chuckle. "Are you okay? You do look more relaxed."
"Just a bit more," John pleads, trying deliberately to sound pathetic and he probably succeeds because Rodney laughs and he's rubbing long up and down strokes on John's back, who makes a satisfied sound. "So good," he almost slurs.
"The patented McKay back rubs helped me to get laid more often than you'd think," Rodney says, sounding smug.
"Oh, I'm sure of that," John says, relishing the sensations as Rodney works every vertebra in his back, going up. When he reaches his neck John pushes his pillow aside, forehead on the mattress, to align his head and Rodney's fingers start working at the base of his skull. He can't help the groan at that, but his face is stuffed in his mattress, so hopefully it didn't sound too wanton. Not stopping his involuntary quest to drive John mad with lust, Rodney then starts an honest to god scalp massage.
"Your hair is a lot softer than I thought," Rodney says, and John doesn't know why exactly it's those words that make him slip but he can't help pressing his erection in the mattress. He's so damn hard, he's been for a long time now and it's just too tempting. It doesn't do much in term in the friction that he definitely needs, and now John just wants to hump his bed again. Rodney's hands leave his head and they then slide down his back, a lot less pressure than before, caressing. It leaves trails of heat on John's skin.
"I never told you this, Sheppard," Rodney says, as if he's musing out loud, "and don't take it badly, but I've always found it really unfair that you're both intelligent and attractive. You really won on the genetic lotto, and not just with the ATA gene."
John doesn't have enough energy to argue, but he does manage to do a bit of a back and forth movement with his hand, before letting his hand drop because no one will understand what it means anyway.
"You're brilliant and hot, same difference," John mumbles, trying to fight down his arousal and therefore not really filtering his words. It only hits him what he just said when Rodney hums. This time, when Rodney's hands follow his spine, John can't help to curl into the touch, as if they're magnets that he just cannot resist. The dual whammy of Rodney slowly pushing both hands up simultaneously, all the way to his head and fingers digging in his scalp once more lets John's control over his vocal chords slip again.
"God, don't stop, so good," John says, pleasure making his voice scratchy.
"No wonder space bimbettes throw themselves at you, Jesus," Rodney says, and his voice is a bit hoarse too which makes John hump the bed once more. He's going to die if he doesn't come soon.
"Fuck, Rodney," John hisses, panicking a little because Rodney better be okay with this or else he has to go soon or John's going to start writhing.
That's when the pressure of Rodney's weight on John's thighs is released and for a second, John's absolutely certain that Rodney's finally reached the limit of what he can stand, and that he'll just leave, leaving everything unresolved. It makes it even more of a surprise when John feels hot breath against his neck.
"You're going to have to stop me from doing something stupid, Colonel," Rodney whispers.
"I passed stupid a while ago," John pants, moving a bit more because it's easier now that he's not pinned to the bed, but not enough, not nearly enough.
"I could help you out," Rodney says and John has a full body shiver.
"Oh, god..." he says, biting his sheet, imagining so many possibilities to go with those words.
Even better, Rodney's urging him to turn on his back, now, and when John does so he only has to look at Rodney to see he's totally into this, too. His pupils are blown out, a flush on his cheeks and he's never looked so kissable so John just grabs him by the head and pulls him down. Their first kiss is hard and a tad frantic, especially on John's part, who wants more and more, his hands now roaming and clutching at Rodney. It's good, it's awesome but... yes, better now that he slips under Rodney's shirt and reaches skin. Rodney groans at it, breath hitching when John thumbs at his nipples, already drawn tight. Rodney leaves John's mouth to nip and kiss at John's jaw, then his ear.
"What do you want," he whispers urgently, "tell me what I can do for you, John."
John arches off the bed at that, trying to reach Rodney's body hovering unfairly just out of reach.
"Get me off, please; I don't give a fuck how, just..." John babbles and Rodney bites his shoulder, which makes John cry out with pain and pleasure mixed.
"I told you to tell me," Rodney says, authoritative and it's unexpectedly hot, how he's taking charge. John keens, panting now and he wants anything, everything, he doesn't care as long as it's Rodney making him come. "Come on, John, focus. What do you want? My hand? My mouth? Do you want to fuck me? Or I could fuck you, too," Rodney lists, implacable.
Holy shit, John doesn't think he's going to last at all, not enough for any kind of fucking that's for sure. He tries to gets his hand down to his dick, just a couple of pulls will surely let him get off like a rocket and end this torture. But Rodney notices and catches his wrist, then forces it over John's head.
"Tell me," Rodney urges, eyes hungry and when he licks his lips John fixates on his mouth, shiny and wet now. He bites his own lips and he's sure Rodney knows exactly what he wants, with the evil but sexy smirk he does, but he's going to make John work for it.
"Blow me," John rasps out. "Please, Rodney, suck me. Please."
It comes out needy as hell, but John is past caring about that, now. Rodney smiles down at him, and then kisses him thoroughly as John clings at his upper arm with his free hand. When Rodney tries to move down to John's chest and hopefully soon his dick, John tugs at Rodney's shirt and chants, "Off, off, off, get it off!" when the garment resists his intentions.
Rodney laughs and releases him but John keeps his hand over his head, he can be good, real good. He even brings the other hand up and grabs the decoration in the wall at the head of his bed. Rodney gets up on his knees and pulls his shirt off over his head as John looks on with hunger at his wide shoulders, how strong he looks, and the tent in his khakis that he wants to touch.
"You're so hot," Rodney tells him, eyes raking John's body and it makes him want to do whatever Rodney wants. "I can't believe you're letting me even touch you."
"I'm not letting you anything," John says, "God, I want you, so bad. Please Rodney, it won't take much."
"Well excuse me for taking time to enjoy this," Rodney says, drawing some sort of designs over John's skin lightly with the tips of his fingers, on his chest and thighs, making John almost die of frustration because it's everywhere but where he wants contact the most.
"You sadistic bastard," John groans, shutting his eyes because maybe it will be more bearable if he doesn't see how much Rodney wants to just torture him. Of course it's not, though, John realizes as the touches become unpredictable and just more enhanced this way. "We'll do slow another time, Jesus, we'll do anything you want, any way you want it, as often as you want it, but god, please, just blow me now."
Rodney's hands still and John opens his eyes to Rodney looking at him with a shocked expression, mixed up with a bit of uncertainty, too. It's then John figures that Rodney probably thought this was meant to be a one time only deal. John wonders if this new development, that John wants it to happen again, is good or bad news for Rodney and his stomach drops.
"If you want, of course, only if you want," John says rapidly, hoping he didn't scare him off with his neediness.
John's never been more relieved to see Rodney roll his eyes at him. Rodney then slaps his thigh.
"For the love of... yes, I want that, you gorgeous idiot!" he says, resuming his caresses and John relaxes on the bed once more.
"Good. Awesome," John says, and he almost starts singing praises to the Lord when Rodney finally hooks his fingers in the waistband of John's boxers to strip them off, an endeavor John cooperates with willingly.
It seems that being reassured that he'll be able to touch John again is enough so that Rodney doesn't feel the need to torture him anymore, nudging John's thighs open so he can settle between them. If Rodney's hand closing on his dick makes the pleasure ratchet up right to the edge up of coming, John experiences some sort of dissociative black out when he's sucked into the wet inferno of Rodney's mouth. He howls, of that he's pretty sure, and there's sucking and a bit of thrusting and that's it, he's gone, his orgasm hitting so hard he seizes or close, colors exploding behind his eyelids. He surfs the wave of intense pleasure as long as he can, then he is sort of slammed back down inside his skin, dazed and wrung out.
He blinks Rodney into focus, who smiles and gives him a little kiss, then hastily unbuckles his belt and opens his pants, pushing them down his thighs. Distantly, John thinks he should be more of a participant right now, and do something to reciprocate. To his surprise he's still holding on to the wall over his head, and he slowly lets go, though he leaves his hands right there, on the pillow, because it would be too much of an effort to bring them down now. By then Rodney's got his cock in his hand and he's stripping it fast and hard, his other hand touching feather-like on John again.
"That was, that was incredible," Rodney's saying, raptured, and then his eyes white out, rolling back in his head as he starts to come, shooting on John's chest with a strangled shout. It's so hot, John thinks for a second that his dick might get interested all over again, but no, not happening for a little while. Once he's done, Rodney all but falls like a sack of potatoes by John's side, who chuckles at the nothing but smooth move. Rodney eyes him through half open eyes and, after almost starting to scowl at being mocked, he just beams at John.
"Incredible," Rodney repeats.
John grins right back, and then heroically manages to rearrange his limbs so he's turned on his side and has a leg thrown over the back of Rodney's thighs and a hand running over those amazing shoulders.
"Yeah," he says. Rodney makes a disgusted face when John's come-covered stomach gets in contact with his arm. John snorts. "Your mess," he teases.
"Oh, believe me, I know," Rodney says, flops his head to the other side, wiggles a bit with his arm on the edge of the bed, then twists so he's on his side facing John holding John's boxers that he uses to swipe away the come on his own arm and John's chest. His adorable look of concentration while doing so makes it impossible to resist kissing him again. John cups Rodney's face and kisses him softly, and then when Rodney responds immediately he makes the kiss deeper, keeping it lazy and sweet. Rodney's arm closes around his back and hauls him closer, until they are plastered together, making out.
John feels relaxed bone deep, soaking it all in, refusing to think of what comes next to just enjoy the moment as much as he can. He's riding high on endorphins and there's also the haze of the sleeping pills that are trying to pull him deep. His heartbeat is coming back down and he nuzzles at Rodney's neck, making contented noises and Rodney's hand goes back to John's neck, then threads through his hair, scratching his scalp. Rodney's whispering, although it's a bit distant, something about how it's okay to sleep, that he's not going anywhere and John lets go, going under.
***
There's a clicking noise, coming from close by, and John tries to get his awareness on but everything is sluggish. It doesn't seem to be a threat, there's something deeply familiar about it, but he doesn't know what. John tries to shake his head but it's so heavy, he can barely move. Then there are fingers in his hair and a hushed.
"Shhh, it's okay, sleep some more."
Rodney, that's Rodney. Immediately John relaxes and doesn't try to force his eyes open anymore. He drifts, comfortable, thoughts not able to focus on anything in particular. Rodney's there, so everything is OK, that he feels on a visceral level. He's not falling back asleep, though, and John slowly gets his bearings back. He's plastered to Rodney's legs, who's sitting against the headboard. In his bed. The clicking is the laptop. Why Rodney is working on his bed seems incongruous until John remembers what happened earlier. He had sex with Rodney, holy shit. Sensing that he's stirring awake, Rodney pets him some more.
"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you. I should go," Rodney says.
John manages to put his arm over Rodney's legs.
"No," he rasps out.
"Okay," Rodney says. Then, after more clicking. "You're surprisingly cuddly."
A grunt is all that he can manage at the moment. Whatever. If he wants to cuddle, he'll cuddle. John throws a leg over Rodney's shin for good measure. Rodney snorts.
"And adorable. How a 40 year old man manages to be adorable, I don't know."
Being adorable isn't that bad, so John lets it pass.
"What time is it?" John mumbles, and he's afraid it doesn't come out that clearly.
"Time? Oh, it's 4 am. You slept a good ten hours, but you should get some more."
"Four?" John groans. He can't believe Rodney got up to work in the middle of the night.
"I... I can't sleep more than five hours at a time," Rodney admits. "I tried, I really did, but I couldn't. So it was either borrowing your laptop or going to the lab, and..." Rodney trails off, as John makes himself more comfortable. It's better that he stayed here. "I didn't want you to wake up alone and wonder if I'd freaked out."
"You're not?" John asks, while he wonders about his own state of panic. For the moment it's pretty low. He's a bit surprised about that, to be honest.
"No, no, not really. I don't quite know what's happening, or what you want, but we'll figure it out," Rodney says, and gives John's head a pat for good measure.
It should not make John smile, that Rodney takes this in stride. Whatever John expects, Rodney always manages to surprise him at the oddest moment.
"I, huh, reevaluated our friendship," John admits, echoing Rodney's words from his office. He wishes he could say more than that.
Rodney gently pries John's face from where it's snuggled against his thigh and forces him to look up at him, then trails his fingers on John's cheekbone. His eyes are soft and there's a little smile hovering.
"I'm glad you did. You know I've been hopelessly crushing on you since we got here, right?" he asks.
He can't help it, John feels his eyes go round. He had no idea.
"No?" he says, sheepish. God, he's so bad at this. Rodney laughs, though, shaking his head.
"Well that must be the first time I've successfully managed to hide my unrequited love from anyone," he says, smiling still. "I'd thought my jealousy at the women hitting on you would have given you a hint."
"I thought you wanted them!" John says, but wow, it does make a certain amount of sense. It doesn't explain everything, though. "But... Katie and Keller?"
Rodney shrugs.
"I honestly thought you were totally off limits, I was trying to find something nice for myself, and I did love them, too," Rodney says, then frowns. "Since when do you have interest in men, anyway?"
John winces. Good question.
"Huh, well... I'm, not really? I mean I looked, but I didn't... Just you?" he admits, wondering if it's going to seem weird or not serious. But Rodney blinks and seems quite awed at that. He closes his laptop, puts it on the nightstand and wiggles down until he's facing John, whose heart is beating hard and fast. He's being observed closely and it's a bit unnerving, makes him want to wrap himself in the sheet for protection.
"That's... wow," Rodney says, grabbing John's chin to force him to look at him again. "Do you know what you want, John?"
God, his heart is going to beat right out of his chest. John nods, but can't seem to find the words. It's so typical he could cry of frustration.
"It was pretty clear earlier that you want, you know, more sex with me, eventually. It was pretty awesome if I say so myself," Rodney says with a little leer that makes John smile.
"Yeah, plenty of that," he admits, because it was more than pretty awesome. "But more, too. I mean... it's not just that," John tries to explain, reaching for Rodney's face at his turn to cup his cheek and leans forward, kissing him softly on the lips.
At that Rodney breaks into a full grin, and he looks so happy that John has no choice but smile too, giddy. He wants to make Rodney happy like that all the time.
"Are you admitting feelings, Sheppard?" he teases.
John rolls his eyes. Of course he is, but as usual he's really bad at articulating them.
"Yeah. When you were gone, I freaked. I can't do this on my own, Rodney. I want... I need you with me."
Rodney kisses him again for that.
"Okay, yes. God, I'm sorry, but I couldn't let that stupid thing hurt you. I had to fix this, before I came back. If it makes you feel any better, I thought of you all the time. I just hoped that you'd keep your heroic ass out of trouble, if I wasn't there to save you."
John doesn't want to think about those horrible weeks anymore. Instead he reassures himself by almost crawling over Rodney and hugs him hard.
"I missed you. So much," John whispers.
"Yeah, me too," Rodney says, hugging him back just as hard. "I heard you terrorized everyone."
"The idiots didn't help to find you, of course I did," John says. He's not going to start feeling bad about that now. "I can be kind of an asshole, you know."
"I noticed. And I'm... well. You know me. Are you sure?" he sounds so small and insecure that John curses Keller and everyone who put the doubt in Rodney that he can't be loved as he is.
"Won't ask you to change," John promises, kissing Rodney's neck because it's right there.
"Though we'll have to talk about working in bed. I'm a very light sleeper."
Rodney laughs softly.
"I'd been working for three hours when you woke up," he says.
"I was drugged!" John counters. "We'll figure it out, right?"
"Yes we will," Rodney says, caressing his back soothingly. "I promise."
Promises can be made sincerely, John's sure Rodney is convinced when he says that, but real life is a bitch. Who knows what will happen. One thing is for sure, John wants to believe.
"Good," John says, nibbling on Rodney's lobe and he's pleased to see it results in goose bumps on Rodney's neck. As far as he's concerned, they've talked enough. Sometime while John was sleeping, Rodney got out of his pants, but kept his boxers and John trails his fingers to the elastic. John's getting hard, feeling all of Rodney's skin against his own, remembering what happened but everything Rodney offered, too. Experimentally, John pushes his groin against Rodney's hip and yeah, that's good.
"Horny again?" Rodney asks.
John pushes until he's effectively on top of Rodney and plants his hands firmly on either side of his head, then pushes up to look at him.
"Is it a problem?" John says, and then waggles his eyebrows, which earns him a crooked smile.
"Let me officially welcome you to the wonderful world of gay sex with me," Rodney says, mock serious. "Meaning that I'm, well, practically always in the mood, as one should be."
John grins.
"I like the sound of that," he says with a leer, knowing it's exaggerated but it makes Rodney giggle, which is a win. Making his best Rodney impression, John continues. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to start some catching up on my repressed homosexual tendencies by getting better acquainted with your penis, and, if possible, give you a blow job that is not the worst recorded in recent history."
Rodney laughs at that, but it turns into a moan as John starts licking and biting down his chest.
"Oh, believe me, you can't go wrong," he pants, writing under him as John suckles on a nipple.
John's not really worried. Mouth plus dick is a winning combo, even if inexperienced.
In fact, he has a good feeling about this, about being with Rodney and he's going to do his best so he doesn't fuck it up.
But that's a long term project. For now, he's got work to do.
The End.
Master Fic Post
Thank you so much for reading ♥