(no subject)

Jun 26, 2012 17:24



I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand - if I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

in which Harry and Louis can't be together, but nor can they be without the other.



If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today? If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way? If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call? If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

Friday's are Harry's favourite days. They get friday afternoons off sometimes, and when they do it's just him and Louis. Not Eleanor, just Harry and Louis without managements interference. They'll go out, maybe to the park, where the sun is shining so bright and warm and they'll sit on a bench, hands linked together, or lark about a little too near to the edge of the pond but Louis will always grip Harry's hand tightly

('I got you Haz, you won't fall in,')

And Louis won't let go of Harry's hands until they're back at their flat, cheeks red, hair windswept, smiles etched almost permanently onto their faces and Harry looks down at their entwined fingers and wonders to himself why it is that their hands just fit together like so? It's as if they were made for each other, their hands at least, like pieces of a puzzle that fit together so effortlessly. But then Louis will let go and Harry's breathing will become constricted because it's like he can't do anything without those bright blue eyes and soft gentle touch, like waves lapping on sand, on his own cream skin. He needs Louis, and if he can't have Louis there isn't really a point in anything is there?

It's friday, but the older boy isn't there tonight, he's with Eleanor and Harry hates that he has to constantly remind himself that he must share Louis with that other girl. Eleanor is all wrong for Louis, with her harsh yet soft whisper of a voice, and her cackling laughs that ring in Harry's ears. He hates that Louis is only partly his - because he's so sure that the words 'Mine' are written clear as daylight across Louis russet skin so why is it that he's out with another girl instead of there with Harry?

Sighing, the younger boy sits back on the sofa and closes his eyes, dreaming of long summer nights, and a soft heartbeat that rings in his ears.

'Mine,' Harry mumbles as he drifts into a peaceful slumber.

'll never know what the future brings, but I know you're here with me now. We’ll make it through& I hope you are the one I share my life with.

"He's ruining you." Eleanor tells him one day when Louis has gone to the bathroom leaving his two (lovers?) friends alone together in an awkward tense silence. Eleanor has a pout on her pretty pink lips, eyes sympathetic. Harry doesn't say anything but when she leaves, he looks at Louis through his eyelashes, sadly - is he really being ruined by this beautiful, perfect man?

"C'mon we're going out Hazhead, just me'n'you," It's all it takes, before Louis is dragging Harry out the front door, and into his car. Harry doesn't protest, because he can never, will never, say no to Louis, so he sits in the passenger seat laughing with his head thrown back whilst the wind pulls through his curls as they zoom through derelict roads, with the slowly sinking sun just ahead of them.

They pull up right outside a small cafe and they walk in, the sound of tinkling bells greeting them as they push passed the glass door, towards the counter where an elderly lady looks up at them, smiling through her glasses. They take their ordered food back out to the car, and Louis drives them up a little hill, where they sit, together, eating and watching the sunset. It's beautiful, the way there's a shimmery tinge on the horizon as the sky darkens and Louis hair flutters in the breeze.

"I love you you know Harry," Louis tells him, smiling softly and Harry nods, reaching down to tangle their fingers together under the golden evening light.

"I know," And it's enough for now because Harry has Louis, and Louis had Harry and they can do this can't they? Maybe he's still too young, naive and innocent, but he can imagine coming here ten years from now, with Louis, just the two of them in their perfect paradise.

More fool him.

--

It's another day filled with flashing lights and chanting names and interviews - Harry and Louis hold hands secretly under the table whilst Louis answers questions about his girlfriend and Harry tries not too grimace.

Niall, Liam and Zayn all notice the younger boy's obvious discomfort and frown disapprovingly at Louis, because he is clearly leading the younger boy on because he's so utterly in love with Eleanor. But he loves Harry too, without a doubt.

"Harry, we need to talk man," Niall says after the interview, because he's tired of seeing the youngest boy run round in circles pathetically after someone who can't make up their mind.

"What about?" Niall sighs, unsure of what to say.

"Louis is ruining you," he finally blurts and Harry's brow furrows for a second, but then he shakes his head, laughing.

"Don't be silly, Louis can't ruin me, he loves me," He breathes and Niall's heart goes out to the curly haired boy because it's almost as if Harry's trying to reassure himself rather than anyone else.

--

Harry sounds less sure when Eleanor appears later on and Louis kisses her infront of all the flashing cameras, garish lights casting unwanted colours behind Harry's closed lids as he stumbles to a car, desperate to escape. Zayn watches the whole thing with raised eyebrows, but stays silent, opting to take out another cigarette and smoke until the back of the car is obscured by spiralling smoke, obscuring Harry's face.

--

It's hurting Harry more and more, the pain becoming more visible in his green eyes as each day passes, but still he loves Louis relentlessly. It -

(and they still need to define the word 'it')

is taking it's toll on Louis too, the shadows beneath his lids becoming more darker. They're like poison for each other, their love pounds under their skin, burning in their blood, searing through their body, but they refuse to stop because that's not physically possible either.

Eleanor only adds to the poison, with her wavy hair and apple face and wicked smile as she runs her hands through Louis tufts, eyes firmly locked on Harry who's bottom lip trembles.

"I'm tired Louis, I don't want to hide anymore!" Harry yells, wondering how things can go from perfect to terrible in the space of 2 months, but everything's crumbling around him, even the ground at his feet is shaking, and he feels as though he's being ripped apart as he faces a trembling Louis.

"I'm not ready Harry, can't you fuckin' accept that? Think about the band, the press, El!" He tries reasonably but it only hurts Harry more.

"Of course I think about Eleanor!" He seethes, green eyes flashing as he paces angrily up and down their living room.

"Do you not think I wonder if you're enjoying yourself when you fuck her, before coming home to me? Don't you think I wonder when you're out together if you're thinking about me, your boyfriend at all? Christ Louis, you can't even look me in the eyes anymore, what's the point?" His voice cracks on the last word, and he see's Louis head snap up, blue eyes wide.

"I-Y-I'm sorry Harry," He offers lamely, holding his arms out. There's a pause, Louis open arms hanging their, and Harry thinks he's not going to hug him, no - but then he feels those familiar arms wrap around him and he breathes out, as if the knot inside his stomach is untwisting itself, letting loose all the anger and hurt he's feeling as he leans further into Louis embrace; relishes at the feel of Louis hands in his hair.

It's not right, but he loves Louis with everything in him, and can't bring himself to let go, ignores everyone's advice -

('He'll break your heart, or he'll break you')

Already Louis manipulative ways are taking their toll on the youngest band member; his voice seems chocked, wrecked.  He can still sing, but he's lost that brilliant vibe that fans dolted on. That the music industry dolted on.

But Louis won't break him, he loves Harry doesn't he? Harry believes it, so instead of confronting Louis, he runs, runs from all of his qualms in the safety of Louis arms, and wonders if thing'll be like this forever. Him, in Louis comfort.

--

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

It doesn't because when they go out, all of them, and Louis sidles off with Eleanor, Harry latches onto another, slightly older man, grinding against him beneath the pounding music, alcohol bleeding through his system, he forgets, when the mans mouths on his, forgets -

forgets until he's being shoved off by a wrecked Louis, wide eyes accusing. Louis hauls Harry off the older man and drags him outside, where the cold air hits him like harsh reality, and suddenly, under the dingy street lights, Harry doesn't think forgetting was such a good idea.

The taxi ride home is silent, but once they're safely in doors, Louis turns around, shaking with rage. ("How the fuck could you cheat on me, infront of me?" "Oh so it's perfectly alright for you to go off with Eleanor, but I'm expected to sit patiently like a dog waiting for it's masters return? That's not fucking fair and you know it Lou,") There's a silence, and Louis just stares at Harry, unblinking. Neither are speaking until Louis says

"Look Harry," He begins tiredly, rubbing a palm over his face and already the curly haired boy's protesting, heart pounding furiously 'nononononononono.'

"I think this needs to end alright? I love you okay, but it's too difficult, to different - you don't need me Harry, I'm getting in the way. I have El, and I can see myself with her ten years from now, but with you - I'm not so sure okay?" Harry's whole body is numb and he can't think but he finds himself nodding because he can't and never will be able to say no to Louis Tomlinson. He stumbles passed the blue eyed man, until he's found his room and slammed the door shut.

Taking in a few gasping breaths, he reaches for his nearest bag and begins to pile clothes in.

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

His mother opens the door, eyes wide.

"Harry? Baby are you okay?" In an instant he's being ushered in, showered by hugs as Anne sits him down before making him a cup of tea, sinking in her sons bedraggled appearance; red rimmed eyes, shadowed underneath, wobbling lip, tangled and knotted hair all add to her list of worries. She knows it's Louis; it always is, but she doesn't say anything, instead offering her son the comfort he needs - or the most she can give because he needs Louis.

When his sobs have subdued, Anne sits him down and they watch television together. Childish cartoons with Harry curled on his mothers lap like he;s a baby again; he almost wishes he was.

(Wishes that his heart isn't thumping loudly in his chest something that sounds awfully familiar to Lou-is Lou-is Lou-is)

He wonders if the other boy's thinking about him at all, or if he's with Eleanor right now. Probably the latter.

--

He stays with his mum for the next couple of weeks. Luckily they have time off, and although fans are speculating - and there are many outside his house, but he's not been outside except for very late at night - his time with his mother, Robin and Gemma goes mainly undisturbed. Out of contact from the rest of the world - the rest of the boys.

Harry refuses to answer any phone calls, and the only people he see's or talks to beside his family are Ashley and Nick, the older man rings and texts quite often, making sure the younger boy's okay. Harry's grateful for Nick's concern, loves the man, but wishes he left him alone because at the end of each text Harry can practically see the 'Louis is dying to know if you're okay so I text him for you, is that okay?' because it's not okay and Louis thinks Harry doesn't need him but he does he does he does.

He needs someone to hold him at night when the ache becomes to much to bear and he cries into his pillow.

He needs someone to snuggle with when he's on the couch, watching daft tv shows.

He needs Louis.

He needs Louis like he needs air and without Louis Harry cannot breath, so instead he tries to live off other things, silly reminders of Louis that float around his house -

A striped shirt, or a pair of TOM's, yorkshire tea and bags of cheese and onion crisps.

His mother watches him mope with worried lines over her forehead, because she can't stand to see her baby like this, but there's nothing, nothing she can do except maybe try her best to make him forget.

--

The beginning of the third week's Harry's in Holmes Chapel he receives a phone call.
At first he's reluctant to answer it; simply allowing his phone to continue ringing until his mother walks in exasperatedly.

"If you don't answer that thing I will." She tells him firmly and so he sighs, reach forwards and picking it up.

"Hullo?"

"Thank bloody God Harry!" It's Niall and Harry smiles, the irishmans accent soothing his ears slightly.

"Yeah. It's me."

"We thought ye'd died or sumtin' mate! No calls, nothin'. One minute yer in London the next Louis' saying you ran off? Three bloody weeks Haz!" Harry scowls, his lips pulled into a thin line.

"So Louis," he hates the sound of the older boys name on his lips, like a tragic love story or a maybe a poison.

"Didn't tell you what happened then?" He asks.

"Na, Louis is a bit of a wreck right now, but el's calming him down, bit odd that, but I guess they're friends." Harry snorts loudly, masking the sound of his heart breaking into a million pieces.

"Friends, of course."

"...Harry?"

"He broke up with me." Harry says simply and there's such a long silence on the other line that Harry thinks the blond boys' hung up on him. But then he hears a long drawn out breath and probably a 'no fucking way.'

"No fuckin' way."

"Yeah. Didn't tell you did he? Well he didn't tell me them two were fucking either, figured out from the love bites all over his skin," Harry spits and he know's it's unfair and spiteful and his mother's glaring at him but he hates Louis right now. He fucking loves Louis right now.

"That's disgustin' Harry...But," Harry nods - there's always a but. It hangs in the air like a question mark until someone bothers to voice the inevitable truth.

"But... - and im not sayin' he's right, not at all, what he's done's beyond forgivable in a way, but I understand why. It's hard on him -

"Do you not think this is hard on me? I've been lied to by my best friend and once boyfriend, cheated on, humiliated. But no, of course Louis is having a really terrible time fucking Eleanor." He slams his phone down, tears leaking from his eyes.

"Oh Harry," his mums arms are around him immediately and Harry sighs, wishing, if he can't stay in Louis' forever, he can at least stay in the sanctuary that his mother provided.

- -

The next time his phone rings, his mum answers immediately, her mouth set, ready to form the words

'No sorry Harry can't come to the phone right now.'

But it's like those words are lost as soon as the person on the other end speaks. Anne's face goes to one of coldness and dislike, to soft and understanding.
Wordlessly she hands him the phone, a sad smile on her lips, and then she leaves the room. Harry gazes at the phone in his hand for a moment, then tentatively draws it to his ear, listening above the din of his thumping heart.

"H-Hello?" He asks, unsure of what else to say.

"Harry!" The voice breathes out, in what seems like joy, relief...

"L-Louis?" Harry stammers, half a mind to put the phone down, save himself from the bitter words, the heart break that was sure to come as a result because really what else ever comes from Louis? Pain. Physical, emotional - it was always pain.

As if Louis could read his mind however (and Harry has an inkling that maybe he can.) -

"Don't hang up," Harry sighs - when has he ever been able to say no to Louis?

"Please don't hang up," he adds softly, worriedly. Harry breathes in and out and he shuts his eyes tightly, gripping the phone in his sweating palm.
They're silent for a moment, both listening to the sound of the other breathing and Harry wants to break it because it's unbearable.

"I'm so sorry Harry,"

('I'm sorry but I had to.")

Harry shakes his head.

"Don't say sorry if you can't do anything about it Louis," he whispers.

("Don't say sorry if you're going to break my heart all over again.")

"But what can I fucking do? Tell me, please tell me Harry," The older boys' voice is shaking, and Harry can feel the lump in his throat thicken.

("Tell me what to do because I don't know what to di without you here.")

"I don't know Louis, I thought I didn't need you anymore?" The venom is clear, and Louis grips the phone a little tighter.

("I need you so fucking much it hurts,")

"I thought you didn't, I only ever hurt you Harry, and this is selfish but I don't care any more, I need you and if I can't have you then fuck everything."

("you're the only one.")

"I'm sorry Louis, I don't know how to fix this, you made your decision."

("You chose her.")

"I never chose her, it's always you Harry."

("I love you.")

"It's not enough right now Lou, I wish it was but..But n-not just yet."

("I love you too.")

He puts the phone down and breaths in deeply, trying to compose himself. It doesn't work and instead he finds himself curling up, knees under his chin arms wrapped tightly around himself as he sobs silently, in his own despair. Soon he lets go of his knee's and simply lies back against his pillow, closing his bloodshot eyes, wanting peace, wanting Louis.

--

I don’t know why you’re so far away 
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through 
and I hope you are the one I share my life with
and I wish you could be the one I die with
and I pray that you're the one I build my home with

I hope I love you all my life.

"I'm going to quit the band."

No one really looks up from where they're sitting, all awkwardly in silence, from the sofa - they've stopped for a bit because their drivers feeling quite sick, but Harry's certain the room's gone quieter, yet he can practically hear their brains whirring with the new statement.

Finally, Marco raises an eyebrow, shifting uncomfortably from where he's lounging on the couch.

"You can't do that Harry, it states clearly in your contract-" Still, his eyes don't meet with the blaring green ones.

"Screw the damned contract, I want out," Harry snarls, and maybe it's Niall that flinches at the harshness dripping from the curly haired boys' voice.

"I'm sorry son, your contract isn't up for negotiation," Marco at least has the decency to sound apologetic and regretful, but Harry's blood boils, as fireworks erupt within him, because isn't he worth anything?

"Are my feelings up for negotiation then? Or have they expired, so all of you can fuck about with them? Is that it? You know what fuck all of you, you do not own me, despite what you all like to think. Harry's feelings are nothing compared to the money we're getting off him right?" He spits, and it's like all the air has been sucked from the room because of course no one thinks that, Harry's -

Well he's not their starlight, he is the starlight. Or he once was. A bright shining ball of energy that radiated from his body, illuminating everything around him, drawing them all towards them like magnet. 
He's all strawberry cheeks and cherry lips and they love him.

But he cant see that, so he storms off, not caring who may have been lurking outside the tourbus during the darkest hours of night,

not caring that he didn't have a phone on him, isolated and cold at the service station car park,

not caring that Louis hadn't looked up from texting Eleanor once during his outburst.

As soon as the door slams shut, they all look around uncomfortably, Liam chewing on his lip. Marco shakes his head, heaving himself off up his seat, walking towards the front of the bus.
He knows Harry'll come back, he knows he needs to give him some time.

"I feel like shit," Niall declares, sighing heavily.

"We all do mate," Liam concedes and the irishman throws a quick glance at Louis, who's staring at the door, blue eyes glazed over.

"I don't get why he feels like that..." Zayn trails off.

"I do," Niall says and they all turn to him, except Louis, who stares determinedly at the ground. 
He doesn't say anything further but they all have a slight inkling anyway and Liam sighs.

"Do you really want to break him Lou?" He enquires, and his tone is soft, gentle, not at all accusing or judgmental, and that makes the lump in Louis throat tighten.

"Of course I don't," he chokes, but his fingers are still wrapped around his phone, the screen of which are burned with soft, sweet messages from Eleanor.

"That's what you're doing though, you're only breaking him. And he's letting you and that's hardly fair on you, Harry or Eleanor, especially since you've chosen her,"

"I didn't choose her!" It was meant to come a cry, but his words are more of a croak, a feeble indignation.

"So why are you here, when he's outside, alone?" Niall puts in and Louis breathing constricts because he doesn't know, not really.

"Eleanor," he whispers and this time it's Zayn who rolls his eyes.

"Man, you just fuckin' said it wasn't her, stop making these shitty excuses Louis, goddamnit." He hisses and Louis winces, as if his words are stinging him.

"What am I supposed to do then? Tell Harry I'm sorry I fucking screwed up, tell him that he's the one I want to be with forever because there's no point? Shit that sounds like a movie line, but it's true and I need him to know that even though he's going off far, I'm right here," Louis voice turns into a sob as it cracks, and he draws in a shuddering breath;

"I love him, and-" He doesn't get to finish his sentence because Harry's suddenly walking back in, and for a second the ajar door lets the cold bitter wind enter, causing them all to shiver slightly.
Harry's eyes meet Louis for a long, long moment. It's green moulding into blue and nothing else matters, except the beat of their two broken hearts.
And then his lip curls upwards in the ghost of a smile, and the breath Louis hadn't even known he'd been holding is let out.

It was going to be okay, he knew it.

--

And later that night, when they're all fast asleep, and Harry's lying wide awake on his back, unable to sleep due to the constant lurching movements of the wheels beneath him as they wound down deserted roads.
He'd kicked the sheets off, despite the chill that hung in the air, and his eyes bored into the ceiling, unblinking.

They don't blink when another figure crawls in next to him, wriggling to fit in the confined space, and Harry tunes his thoughts to what he thinks might be Niall snoring in the bunk below him or maybe it's Liam, yeah probably -

"Do you really want to leave the band?" Harry gulps, because the inevitable

"Do you want to leave me?" Is hanging blatantly in the air and he can't lie, but he doesn't want to be honest either, no that would only hurt a thousand times more.

"I can't be here any longer Louis," He whispers, his heart thudding as the older boy wraps an arm around his waist, pulling him into the warmth he doesn't want to loose himself to, but it's their, all around him.

Louis.

"But I need you here Haz," He murmurs softly into Harry's curls and the younger eyes open suddenly, startling green in the blackness.

"No, you don't," he whispers, tone a little more louder and they both stop, hearts thudding, ears straining to hear if they've disturbed any one's slumber.

"I do, you just don't realise it, 'm best mate," he mumbles, his whole face buried into the crook of Harry's neck, and it would be so easy for Harry to lean down and kiss him, so tempting.

But he can't.

Because they can't be best mates, not anymore. It's not possible for Harry to be close to Louis, mentally or physically feeling pain, growing in his chest, expanding within him until it became hard to breath.

"Louis..." He begins uncertainly but is silenced by the older boy.

"Need you Harry, please can't sleep without you," he whispers, trailing off as his eyes shut and he shifts slightly, so he's spooning the younger boy, arms wrapped tightly around Harry's torso. 
So for once the younger boy doesn't protest, instead he smiles slightly, relishing the nostalgic feeling of Louis holding him tight.

"'m still love you babecake, gon' be alright you know. I got you." It's that slur of speech in that moment just before you drift off entirely, when you're in that place between reality and fantasy, and everything is a warm colourful haze behind your closed lids.

Louis may be asleep but Harry's wide awake, and his heart is pounding so loudly he's amazed no one's woken up. The blood drums in his ears and it takes several moments for him to calm down, by taking a deep breath, careful not to wake the sleeping boy in his arms.
Louis has completely melted against Harry, his nose tickling the tips of Harry's curls, his soft warm breaths hitting the tender skin of Harry's neck. Everything is silent, and perfect, but Harry has never felt more broken before.

--

It's weeks after the sleeping incident - Harry refers to it as that, though Louis acts the same, they act the same and Harry wonders if the older boy has any recollection of his words that night.
But then he'll catch Louis bright blue stare and he knows Louis does.

--

They're out, him, Louis and her.

Her, with her plum cheeks and pretty pink lips and her and her brown eyes that bore into Harry's back. Harry wonders if she knows too.

The public have gone crazy, so have fans because Larry Stylinson and Elounor out together simply doesn't happen, at least not in the clear eye of the media's judgemental stares. Pictures are plastered all over magazines, the internet, everywhere.
People analysing every movement and coming up with the most ridiculous conclusions -

(Although, when Harry's skimming through some of them, he can't help but wonder how easily read he is.)

"He's ruined you Harry, and I won't let him do the same to me, you won't let him will you?" Eleanor asks, her soft lips brushing against his ear, making him shiver. Harry stares into her big brown eyes, that have suddenly become sorrowful and afraid and he wonders if maybe Eleanor likes playing this game. If she gets some sort of twisted pleasure out of torturing Harry, all the while seeming innocent;

she's the victim in all of this of course. It's her feelings everyone's worried about because Harry and Louis are endgame and she's going to end up having her feelings completely destroyed.

But then she wraps her dainty fingers around Louis neck and kisses him infront of everyone, eyes wide open as she meets with Harry's own reproachful stare, and the curly haired boy finds himself thinking that maybe she doesn't have any feelings, and if not why is it only him who can see this?

It becomes more frustrating the closer Louis and he become.

Or, they re-become. Because they'd always been close, always had that special something, but it had simply been lost a while. Now they were rekindling whatever they could, and it was enough to fill them both up with warmth and cause them to smile, as they sit side by side (And maybe Louis hands shouldn't be carding through Harry's hair, and Harry's hands resting softly on Louis knee, his head resting on the oldest mans' shoulder) watching a film.

Louis however, seems fidgety and restless, drumming his free fingers persistently into the armrest. He removes the hand from Harry's curls, drawing out a mewl of protest from the younger boy, who looks up at him warily.
He feels vulnerable because his heart is still broken, maimed, unfixed. And Louis wistful gaze causes it to splinter even more.

"Harry," he begins slowly, softly, and Harry gulps because already he knows by the end of the night he'll be in tears.

"Harry this isn't fair, to Eleanor," Of course he'll bring her up, of course because she's the cause of everything terrible that's happened to Harry recently -

or maybe he just needs someone to blame, and her pretty heart shaped face is perfect for that. Or maybe it's that cruel smirk of hers that probably isn't intended to be, etched into his brain.

"Right," he says after a moments pause, withdrawing himself from Louis, scrambling to the far end of the sofa, his voice a dead monotone.

"Yes, of course let's think about her, because her feelings are the only ones that will be hurt, lets just forget that you were mine Louis," Louis flinches, taken aback by the painful reminders - of course he was Harry's he would always be Harry's, but the younger boy didn't understand that, so instead he carried on, with tears of hurt and anger pooling in his glassy eyes.

"Lets forget how you lied to my face, humiliated and cheated on me - with her, and then left me alone. How I wasn't good enough for you to be seen in public, because obviously I'm not her-" He can't speak because it's almost impossible to do so with someone's lips upon your own, and anyway

as Louis lips crashed upon Harry's, he doesn't really want to talk anymore.

Just wants to lose himself in the feeling of Louis on top of him, hands clutching desperately at his soft skin, one in his hair, cradling his skull, the other at the hem of his t-shirt, creeping under and exploring the more hardened flesh underneath.

There's no sound in the room other than heavy panting, as one by one each layer of constricting clothing is peeled off, and thrown to the floor.

"Need you," Louis gasps against Harry's neck, teeth grazing at the sensitive skin, causing the younger boy to moan, pulling Louis mouth roughly to meet his own in a sloppy kiss. His own hard on is rubbing uncomfortably against Louis inner thigh and he grins down, the friction painfully sweet -

there's a swish of material and then Louis boxers are off, leaving them both completely naked in the other's arms.

"Wanna feel you inside," Harry pants and Louis nods, before looking around wildly, hands heavy on the younger mans' hips, fingers pressed roughly against the bones there, causing love like bruises onto the tender skin.

"No condom-"

"Want to feel all of you," Harry insists, giving Louis length a tight squeeze, causing whatever protest to slip away from the older boy's mouth. Hands slide up to his shoulders, and Harry's eyes shut tightly as Louis enters him, kissing the younger of the two reassuringly all over his body as he fills him up entirely. 
A few moments pass as Harry readjusts himself to the feeling and slowly, Louis begins to thrust gently.

Harry groans, provoking something deep within Louis, and the older boy finds himself pounding into him relentlessly, finger tips gripping his hipbones desperately, as both their shouts fill the house, until they both reach their own shuddering climaxes, Louis holding Harry tightly against him as they come together.

Later, when they're both laying in bed, and the realisations of their actions dawns on them, Louis rolls over to look at Harry, stroking his cheek tentatively.

"It's gonna be fine Harry, I promise."

--

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

It's not fine though, and Harry laughs bitterly to himself the next morning when he wakes up alone, to a cold and empty bed.

He trudges around the flat, kicking random objects he classified as in his way, desperate to rid any thoughts of Louis out of his mind. 
He's in the kitchen when he see's the note, and he finds himself wondering why Louis didn't just leave the small sheet of paper in the bedroom, and save Harry all his grief. It's Louis very scrawly, child-like hand and it reads:

Gone to Eleanor's I'll see you very soon!XX

He then finds himself thinking why Louis didn't just send a text, but then again it is Louis and that's the entire problem.

It's Louis.

Louis, who comes home with tears in his bloodshot eyes, two days later and hair sticking up askew as if he's ran his hands through it several times and the first thing he does as he gets through the door is leap into Harry's arms, clinging on to him tightly, sobbing into his chest.

Harry's heart hammers, and he wraps his arms around Louis waist, stroking soothing circles into his back, trying to ignore the worry and confusion that gnaws inside of him.

"I'm so sorry Harry," He cries, hands tugging on the younger mans' tear stained shirt.

"Sorry for what?" He manages to ask, trying to mask his anxiousness, keep his tone strong because that was what he needed to be for Louis.

"It's-It's Eleanor," he chokes, and then he's pulling away from Harry, wiping his eyes and scrubbing his face fiercely with his cheeks, and Harry gulps because anything to do with Eleanor is never good in Harry's mind -

infact it's downright disastrous.

"What about Eleanor?" He asks carefully, and Louis shudders, as if hearing her name is so convulsing.

she's pregnant." Louis whispers and Harry stops short, whatever he was about to say left his mind completely and he gapes at Louis, jaw open in utter shock. But then the hurt kicks in, filters across his face, the pain evident in his green orbs and he takes a deep shuddering breath.

(Because Eleanor can't be pregnant that's not fair to any of them, and suddenly Harry feels his heart drop right out of his chest replaced by empty, hollow, nothingness, a void in his chest, and it's not his insides that are crumbling, it's everything around him that's shaking and tremoring like an earth quake.)

"So you're going to be a dad?" He whispers, and he finds himself even more confused when Louis shakes his head firmly, wetting his dry lips.

"I don't understand Louis," Harry tells him quietly, brow furrowed in bewilderment.

"She-She c-cheated on me," he gulps and the younger boy shakes his head, his face scrunched up.

"A bit hypocritical of you Louis," he snaps, all empathy for the sobbing wreck infront of him vanishing, replaced by venom.

"You cheat on me with her, and then her with me, and you're crying because you got her knocked up and then she cheated on you," He scoffs but Louis shakes his head, tears once more spiralling down his ruined cheeks.

"N-No the baby's not mine, and she's been doing it long before me and you..." He trails off with a hiccup and Harry feels his cheeks heating up with shame and embarrassment for his outburst.

"It's not yours?" He whispers and Louis nods, taking a deep raggedy breath.

(And suddenly he feels the pieces of his heart rearrange themselves and then it stutters and breathes and pounds against his ribcage not completely whole but getting there, and the cracks begin to fill with hope.)

"But management want me to pretend it is mine," Harry wonders if maybe he's bipolar because suddenly he's stopped breathing again.

"I don't understand..." And it's not fair because Louis doesn't either.

""She-they...They think it'll be bad for our image, but she's still in one mind whether or not to keep it and even though it's not mine it sort of feels like it is because she cheated on me so long ago, and I couldn't live with myself if she aborts because of me but I don't want to be a dad, not with her," he throws Harry a meaningful teary look and

- there it is again, Harry's heart thumping painfully.

"I see," Harry gulps because he understands managements concerns, understands Eleanor's, but he doesn't know what to think about Louis and that hurts because he always has an opinion or an emotion containing Louis.

"Say something." Louis practically begs after a moment or two of unbearable silence.

"You chose her though," Harry almost cries but manages to contain it, and so his voice comes out in a harsh just above whisper.

"Harry if I could take back the past two months I would, but I can't, and I need you right now, because fucking hell I love you. It's always going to be you why can't you fucking see that," His voice cracks and Harry can't stop himself and then they're hugging each other, embracing with an almost ferocity.

"It's gonna be fine," Harry whispers into Louis shaking shoulders.

--

And then suddenly everything's glorious because she's not keeping the baby and Harry can't help but feel a twisted sort of relief because with the baby gone Louis will be all his. But then he feels sick to the stomach and self loathing bubbles within him, because they're destroying something so innocent.

But then again, he's always looked at Eleanor as if she was a murderer, a cold blooded one.

But it's not fair because he knows she's not, but he htes himself too much to admit that about her.

--

Eleanor with her twisting brown locks and her garish too pink lips and her rose petal skin and burning eyes and long legs and the baby growing inside her,

like a beautiful flower blooming and Louis is proud because he's going to father that and watch it turn into something even more beautiful and Harry's okay with that he really is -

until he isn't.

Because suddenly Eleanor's not okay and there's yelling and crying and tears and then Louis comes in through the door, eyes red lip trembling.

"She's keeping the baby," he whispers and then his shoulders shake with relief and happiness but also worry and stress and Harry runs a hand through his hair and can't help but feel a twisted sort of sadness because Louis isn't his once more.

But that makes him feel even more sick and self hatred bubbles within him, overpowering him, but he holds onto Louis. He wants to say

'Haven't you wasted enough tears on her,' but it's not the right time so he lets Louis cry until he's alseep, and when he is Harry slips out of the house, and into the hungry darkness outside.

--

"It's been two months, please come back," Louis begs through the phone and Harry smiles from where he's sat in a small shabby hotel room somewhere in the far corner of the world. He toys idly with a piece of stray hanging, twirling the thread through his fingers.

"You need to focus on Eleanor Lou," He says gently and it hurts but it's true and it's the only way.

"Be there for her, because the real dad's obviously not and we can't have El's child be a bastard can we, and you can't with me there," There's a pause and a thump thump thump and then

"I promise you when this is all over it's going to be me and you, because I love you and i'm feeling pretty shit right now cause you've got my heart with you so please come back with it safely," Harry's own heart swells, because it's slowly been healing and Louis words cause a lump in his throat and happy tears to pool in his emerald eyes.

"Just to let you know I'm never giving it back to you," He warns and Louis lets out a soft bitter sweet chuckle on the other end of the line.

"Only if you promise to look after it yeah?"

"I can't make any promise but this - i love you."

via ljapp

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