Heart-a short CR one-shot
OK, I have no idea where this one came from, probably form thinking about Heath. It's kind of something and nothing and I dont know, maybe too gooey or too simplified or something. And it may not fit with what other people think, but none of us the same are we, so no offence is intended. I guess there is some angst in terms of illness (but NOT J or E). Thanks for reading. This one is for Bluemoon73, a latecomer to the CR/CW world, for all the kind words.
---------------------
HEART
Ennis got to the front door without anyone coming out to greet him. Maybe Jack was swimming Ennis thought as he let himself in. Once he'd opened the door he nearly tripped over Brazos who was sat there expectantly. Brazos gazed up at him and let out a soft whine. Ennis knew this meant something was up and the hairs on his neck prickled.
"Jack?" he called out, "Baby where are you, are you ok?"
There was no answer as he made his way into the bedroom. The curtains were drawn but it was still light enough he could make out the shape of Jack curled up on Ennis' side of the bed.
"Little Otter, what's up?" Ennis said rushing over.
"I feel sick from what I've eaten. and just....." Jack trailed off in a small voice, not moving. Ennis crouched down on the floor by the bed so he was level with Jack. Under the covers Jack was still clothed and he was clutching his stomach, his face pale. Ennis reached out a hand and delicately brushed away the hair dangling over Jack's eyes. The pools of blue were wet and shiny, and the swelling and tracks on his face also told a tale.
"Have you been crying baby?" Ennis asked gently, guessing there was more to it than an upset tummy.
"Yes" Jack nodded, never likely to lie or deny it.
"What is it?" Ennis coaxed
"I..." Jack started. Then stopped, rolled to sitting up and looked at Ennis. "Please, can I have a cuddle?"
"Of course you can" Ennis said, body responding before the words were even out on the air between them. He drew Jack towards him and gently enfolded him in his arms. He pushed Jack's face to his chest and one arm held it there whilst the other drew soothing circles on Jack's shoulders and traced down his arms.
"It's ok, it's ok" Ennis said, not even knowing what he was reassuring against.
He held Jack for a good few moments, let Jack hold him back, and then he eased Jack back down onto the bed and let go so he could pull back and look at him properly. Ennis picked up a soft toy manatee and danced it across the bed. "Now then, tell me what's going on?" Ennis said bouncing the manatee over Jack with each word and finally ending with a question and a slight bop on the nose with the manatee to lighten the mood. Jack smiled and then looked guilty for it and quickly went back to a worried frown.
"Shift over" Ennis said, now climbing in the bed, next to Jack, both wearing what they'd worn to work that day and both not caring in the slightest.
"Oh Ennis" Jack said, as he took hold of the manatee and traced it over the contours of Ennis top half and then clutched on to it. And then it all came tumbling out.
Based on something Ennis had said months back about the healing and positive influence animals could have on people, Jack had advertised at the local hospitals and hospices for the chance for children to meet and, where possible, swim with manatees on a special no cost day out. They'd had a few queries and had scheduled in a day for a few weeks time ("which is how come I never mentioned it"), but then two of the children had had change in circumstances and treatment and his boss had agreed to let them all come today, Jack only finding out about it when he turned up to work that morning. There had been 2 girls and 2 boys. One of each had cancer and they were joined by a paralysed girl and a Down's Syndrome boy. All of them were under-14 and had brought along their parents and various other carers. They had had a brilliant day. Brazos had been on his best behaviour and charmed them all. Before the kids turned up Jack went out and bought huge amounts of bad food (sugar and fat overload) that they ate non-stop all day. Jack reckoned he ate at least 3 ice creams, and the kids could well have eaten more than him. The whole thing had had a kind of party atmosphere. They got special wetsuits for little people and lots of extra flotation devices, plus the parents helped out in the water. They spent the whole day in one spot, the manatees tolerating their presence as always. The two kids with cancer could both swim without help, but tired quickly, so they were in and out of the water throughout the day. The little boy with Down's syndrome was a child after Jack's own heart loving the water and not wanting to get out ever. They all took it in turns to keep him occupied. He paid the manatees some attention, but mostly seemed to like floating in a giant ring they sat him in and splashing anyone who came close. The other girl had lost the use of her legs in a car accident but she still managed to get wet and wild by just holding onto Jack and letting him do all the work pulling her around as she piloted him wherever she wished. She had developed a great affinity with the manatees (as well as Jack who she stayed close to if not holding hands with all day), perhaps recognising in them the freedom to move about without the use of legs. Her parents told Jack that she had made no progress with physiotherapy and had seemed almost to give up, but seeing her in the water they had renewed hope that she could see she could lead a perfectly normal life and maybe get some movement back in her damaged limbs. Jack videoed large parts of the day and took a load of photos and when they all left they got a goody bag full of manatee toys and clothes as well as the souvenirs of their swims. After the kids were all packed up and went back from whence they came, one of the carers stayed behind to discuss the possibility of doing this sort of thing again. It was only then that Jack learned the true nature of the illnesses and how sick the kids really were ("they all seemed so happy and normal"). The reason the day was brought forward was that the two kids with cancer probably only had months to live. The other little boy had heart disease and might not make it to being a teenager. The little girl was the only one of the four that might ever lead a normal adult life.
Since getting home this was all that Jack could think about, and it had moved him to tears that he now couldnt stop. With his stomach churning with all the tasty but unhealthy stuff it had been filled with as well, he had got into the sorry state Ennis had come home to. Towards the end of the story Jack's eyes had filled up again and Ennis could see he was once again close to tears. Seeing Jack like that and hearing what he had to say, Ennis found a lump in his own throat. "It's just so sad" Jack was saying, "those poor kids. Never growing, missing out on so much, why's it like that?"
"My poor Little Otter and his big heart" Ennis said bending to rest his face against Jack's chest, dusting over where Jack's heart was with his lips. He left his lips there long enough to feel Jack's heartbeat, then moved up to kiss Jack's neck and then Jack's eyes which were closed trying to stop the tears squeezing out.
"It is unfair," Ennis went on. "Real unfair. Bad things happen to little kids. You know that as much as anyone, and sometimes you cant stop it, and you cant do anything. And yes, that really really sucks. But, shall I tell you what I think?" Ennis paused long enough for Jack to nod. "I think that at least if they dont get to grow up then they go someplace, I dont know where, but someplace where they arent sick any more, they arent hurting and they arent in pain. Grown-ups too. Everyone goes to a place where they are ok and happy. That doesnt make up for them not growing up, or not getting to see their kids grow up. But that's the way it is. I dont like it. You dont like it, but that's it. You cant, you really really cant spend too much time thinking on it otherwise you'll be sad all the time. I know, I've been there. You cant save everyone. There are some people where you just cant fix it. Cant save them. And it's ok to be sad about that, angry even but not too sad too much or for too long. Because it's not good to be sad and angry all the time is it?" Another pause, another nod.
"What you have to think about is the good things and the happy things. Like today. You gave those kids an amazing day out. You gave them that gift. Whatever else happens to them, however long they carry on for, they will always remember this day. You gave them memories, maybe they forgot their hurt or illness for a while. Maybe you gave them hope or strength to fight that bit longer. That girl? You said her parents had given up but you showed her she could have her freedom back. That's all we can do Little Otter, any of us. Look at me baby..." Ennis paused, and Jack raised his swollen eyes to Ennis "If we can make a difference to one person. Even just one person than we've done good. Do you hear me? I know you did good for all those kids, and I have no doubt you'll do it again and again. And you be as happy as you can with them during the day, then you can come home and cry as much as you want with me. But they're not the only ones where you made a difference. They arent the only ones whose life you changed and made better. You know that dont you? Jack?"
There was silence, and then Jack said slowly and softly. "Yeah I know. And you too Ennis. The same for me. You gave me all my strength and hope and happiness. You made a difference to me that I am grateful for with every moment I'm alive."
"Good, good. We're clear on that" Ennis responded. "Now then, I'll go get you some warm milk to settle your tummy, then I'm going to come right back, and we're going to get back in bed and cuddle up. And we'll think about those kids a bit more, but we'll also think of some happy things, how we can make each other happy, as well as other people, but we'll start with just you and me."
"Yeah, just you and me" Jack said and then he smiled. And this time he didnt feel guilty for smiling and so the smiled stayed until Ennis was back in bed with him and then his mouth too found a shy way to make a difference.
---------------------
HEART
Ennis got to the front door without anyone coming out to greet him. Maybe Jack was swimming Ennis thought as he let himself in. Once he'd opened the door he nearly tripped over Brazos who was sat there expectantly. Brazos gazed up at him and let out a soft whine. Ennis knew this meant something was up and the hairs on his neck prickled.
"Jack?" he called out, "Baby where are you, are you ok?"
There was no answer as he made his way into the bedroom. The curtains were drawn but it was still light enough he could make out the shape of Jack curled up on Ennis' side of the bed.
"Little Otter, what's up?" Ennis said rushing over.
"I feel sick from what I've eaten. and just....." Jack trailed off in a small voice, not moving. Ennis crouched down on the floor by the bed so he was level with Jack. Under the covers Jack was still clothed and he was clutching his stomach, his face pale. Ennis reached out a hand and delicately brushed away the hair dangling over Jack's eyes. The pools of blue were wet and shiny, and the swelling and tracks on his face also told a tale.
"Have you been crying baby?" Ennis asked gently, guessing there was more to it than an upset tummy.
"Yes" Jack nodded, never likely to lie or deny it.
"What is it?" Ennis coaxed
"I..." Jack started. Then stopped, rolled to sitting up and looked at Ennis. "Please, can I have a cuddle?"
"Of course you can" Ennis said, body responding before the words were even out on the air between them. He drew Jack towards him and gently enfolded him in his arms. He pushed Jack's face to his chest and one arm held it there whilst the other drew soothing circles on Jack's shoulders and traced down his arms.
"It's ok, it's ok" Ennis said, not even knowing what he was reassuring against.
He held Jack for a good few moments, let Jack hold him back, and then he eased Jack back down onto the bed and let go so he could pull back and look at him properly. Ennis picked up a soft toy manatee and danced it across the bed. "Now then, tell me what's going on?" Ennis said bouncing the manatee over Jack with each word and finally ending with a question and a slight bop on the nose with the manatee to lighten the mood. Jack smiled and then looked guilty for it and quickly went back to a worried frown.
"Shift over" Ennis said, now climbing in the bed, next to Jack, both wearing what they'd worn to work that day and both not caring in the slightest.
"Oh Ennis" Jack said, as he took hold of the manatee and traced it over the contours of Ennis top half and then clutched on to it. And then it all came tumbling out.
Based on something Ennis had said months back about the healing and positive influence animals could have on people, Jack had advertised at the local hospitals and hospices for the chance for children to meet and, where possible, swim with manatees on a special no cost day out. They'd had a few queries and had scheduled in a day for a few weeks time ("which is how come I never mentioned it"), but then two of the children had had change in circumstances and treatment and his boss had agreed to let them all come today, Jack only finding out about it when he turned up to work that morning. There had been 2 girls and 2 boys. One of each had cancer and they were joined by a paralysed girl and a Down's Syndrome boy. All of them were under-14 and had brought along their parents and various other carers. They had had a brilliant day. Brazos had been on his best behaviour and charmed them all. Before the kids turned up Jack went out and bought huge amounts of bad food (sugar and fat overload) that they ate non-stop all day. Jack reckoned he ate at least 3 ice creams, and the kids could well have eaten more than him. The whole thing had had a kind of party atmosphere. They got special wetsuits for little people and lots of extra flotation devices, plus the parents helped out in the water. They spent the whole day in one spot, the manatees tolerating their presence as always. The two kids with cancer could both swim without help, but tired quickly, so they were in and out of the water throughout the day. The little boy with Down's syndrome was a child after Jack's own heart loving the water and not wanting to get out ever. They all took it in turns to keep him occupied. He paid the manatees some attention, but mostly seemed to like floating in a giant ring they sat him in and splashing anyone who came close. The other girl had lost the use of her legs in a car accident but she still managed to get wet and wild by just holding onto Jack and letting him do all the work pulling her around as she piloted him wherever she wished. She had developed a great affinity with the manatees (as well as Jack who she stayed close to if not holding hands with all day), perhaps recognising in them the freedom to move about without the use of legs. Her parents told Jack that she had made no progress with physiotherapy and had seemed almost to give up, but seeing her in the water they had renewed hope that she could see she could lead a perfectly normal life and maybe get some movement back in her damaged limbs. Jack videoed large parts of the day and took a load of photos and when they all left they got a goody bag full of manatee toys and clothes as well as the souvenirs of their swims. After the kids were all packed up and went back from whence they came, one of the carers stayed behind to discuss the possibility of doing this sort of thing again. It was only then that Jack learned the true nature of the illnesses and how sick the kids really were ("they all seemed so happy and normal"). The reason the day was brought forward was that the two kids with cancer probably only had months to live. The other little boy had heart disease and might not make it to being a teenager. The little girl was the only one of the four that might ever lead a normal adult life.
Since getting home this was all that Jack could think about, and it had moved him to tears that he now couldnt stop. With his stomach churning with all the tasty but unhealthy stuff it had been filled with as well, he had got into the sorry state Ennis had come home to. Towards the end of the story Jack's eyes had filled up again and Ennis could see he was once again close to tears. Seeing Jack like that and hearing what he had to say, Ennis found a lump in his own throat. "It's just so sad" Jack was saying, "those poor kids. Never growing, missing out on so much, why's it like that?"
"My poor Little Otter and his big heart" Ennis said bending to rest his face against Jack's chest, dusting over where Jack's heart was with his lips. He left his lips there long enough to feel Jack's heartbeat, then moved up to kiss Jack's neck and then Jack's eyes which were closed trying to stop the tears squeezing out.
"It is unfair," Ennis went on. "Real unfair. Bad things happen to little kids. You know that as much as anyone, and sometimes you cant stop it, and you cant do anything. And yes, that really really sucks. But, shall I tell you what I think?" Ennis paused long enough for Jack to nod. "I think that at least if they dont get to grow up then they go someplace, I dont know where, but someplace where they arent sick any more, they arent hurting and they arent in pain. Grown-ups too. Everyone goes to a place where they are ok and happy. That doesnt make up for them not growing up, or not getting to see their kids grow up. But that's the way it is. I dont like it. You dont like it, but that's it. You cant, you really really cant spend too much time thinking on it otherwise you'll be sad all the time. I know, I've been there. You cant save everyone. There are some people where you just cant fix it. Cant save them. And it's ok to be sad about that, angry even but not too sad too much or for too long. Because it's not good to be sad and angry all the time is it?" Another pause, another nod.
"What you have to think about is the good things and the happy things. Like today. You gave those kids an amazing day out. You gave them that gift. Whatever else happens to them, however long they carry on for, they will always remember this day. You gave them memories, maybe they forgot their hurt or illness for a while. Maybe you gave them hope or strength to fight that bit longer. That girl? You said her parents had given up but you showed her she could have her freedom back. That's all we can do Little Otter, any of us. Look at me baby..." Ennis paused, and Jack raised his swollen eyes to Ennis "If we can make a difference to one person. Even just one person than we've done good. Do you hear me? I know you did good for all those kids, and I have no doubt you'll do it again and again. And you be as happy as you can with them during the day, then you can come home and cry as much as you want with me. But they're not the only ones where you made a difference. They arent the only ones whose life you changed and made better. You know that dont you? Jack?"
There was silence, and then Jack said slowly and softly. "Yeah I know. And you too Ennis. The same for me. You gave me all my strength and hope and happiness. You made a difference to me that I am grateful for with every moment I'm alive."
"Good, good. We're clear on that" Ennis responded. "Now then, I'll go get you some warm milk to settle your tummy, then I'm going to come right back, and we're going to get back in bed and cuddle up. And we'll think about those kids a bit more, but we'll also think of some happy things, how we can make each other happy, as well as other people, but we'll start with just you and me."
"Yeah, just you and me" Jack said and then he smiled. And this time he didnt feel guilty for smiling and so the smiled stayed until Ennis was back in bed with him and then his mouth too found a shy way to make a difference.