10 mo'
Ok, once again these are old stories that i haven't told to too many people, also written mainly to make me feel better, but if you find them funny for yourself, then I am glad that I could make ya laugh...(and yes, these are different to the new 10 on my myspace blog...)
10.) Back before caller ID was real common, my friend Mark, who was actually a DJ, and talked like a professional one even in just regular convo's, and I decided to prank call Phil, the truck driver that lived next door to my parents because Phil is like the funniest dude that I have ever known in my life. So Mark calls him, and says "Phil, this is Mark from 96 STO-for ten thousand dollars, what's the phrase that pays?" It was funny because 96 STO is an Owensboro radio station that I knew Phil never listened to-thus he would have no idea that this "phrase that pays" contest was bogus. Phil's response made the moment priceless, though. He said "Hell I don't know. You can take that ten thousand dollars and shove it up your a$$ for all I care-don't call here no more!" So we wait a few minutes and go over to Phil's. When we get there, his daughter Leslie is chewing Phil for blowing their chance to win 10 grand, and so Phil asks me what I know about that stupid phrase that pays contest on STO. Mark and i started dying laughing, and luckily Phil was a really good sport about it. He said we got him pretty good-he had no idea that it wasn't a real DJ calling him.
9.) Back in high school, one weekend when we were seinors, I think, Ted and I had gotten grounded for something...but we snuck out any way in Ted's car and went to the Bowling Green mall. When we got there, it was stormy, but it didn't really seem that different than any other stormy spring day in south central KY. So naturally we were rather stunned when the PA announcer came on and asked everyone to stay inside the mall and go to the central hallways that were designated tornado shelters. Naturally of course, this meant Ted and I had to run outside and see it for ourselves. I don't rememember the name of the store now, but it's the big dept store on the end of the mall closest to I-65. We ran out the doors on the side that faces towards where the Wal-mart is now, and it was bright sunshine-which freaked us out and made us wonder what was going on. Ted started to go back in, but I grabbed his arm and said "Let's go around the mall and look in the other directions before we go back." Ted's like "Ok, whatever." So we ran around the end of the mall and looked out the other way. It was like in running 200 feet we had changed planets or something. The sky was just about pitch black, in that direction, there seemed to be no sound at all, and the air was turning green. Right as we turned the corner to that side of the mall, there was a huge crash of thunder. I'm like "OK, I've seen enough, I'm outta here." I started running back to the door in the middle, and Ted lingered for a second or two more. I looked back, and thought about running back for him, but I thought "If he's that dumb, I ain't dying too." so I kept going. Ted soon caught up to me and passed me as I ran up the main hallway of the mall to the tornado shelter. Looking back at me over his shoulder with his eyes bugged out, he screams at me "Run, Lynn! It's really coming! Hurry up, dude! Faster! GO!" So there we are, the only two people in sight in the mall, running for our lives literally. A mall cop sees us, opens the door, and yells at us to get over there, and not a minute after we do, we start hearing that sound like a jet engine. We hear glass breaking and various sounds, but it wasn't too scary, and after about 30 seconds, it was over.
We get back to Ted's car and well, the driver's side was ok, but the passenger side window and back glass were blown completely out, the windshield was badly spiderwebbed, and the whole passenger side looked like it had been sandblasted and beaten with a bat.
So we stayed grounded a while longer than we were originally supposed to after that, because there was no way that we could explain to our parents how Ted's car came to have that kind of damage on side only and him not have any type of accident report to show for it...
8.) Back when I was in high school, I got expelled about 4/5ths of the way though my junior year and sent to this drug rehab center for teens in Nashville, the kind that was kinda popular at the time instead of charging teens as adults in criminal cases or sending them to boot camps like they do now. Now I truly got an education at this place, because whereas I was a troubled teen by Russellville(pop. 7,500) standards, I got thrown into this place w/ the dregs of Nashville, TN's teens. Wowzers. Looking back now, there was one moment that first day that I was in there that seemed to really be a harbinger of what lay ahead for me. I had gotten there in the morning, and after an extensive orientation/exam/cavitity search I went to lunch with my fellow detainees and got introduced to some of them. So then we go back up to our unit, and I sit on the couch, where I am joined by this girl who looks so pure and innocent, like a little Barbie doll. We introduce ourselves, and I find out that she's Jen, and she's 14,a nd she'd been in there for 10 months already. So then, using a phrase that I had never before thought that I would ever have to seriously use, I asked "So, what're ya in for?" and she gave an answer in the most calm tone that still scares me to this day-she said: "Well, so this one day, like I was having sex with my boyfriend, and it was right after we'd smoked pot, and my mom walked in on us, and she smelled the pot, and just wenmt nuts, and started screaming at us. I couldn't take her b****ing at me any more, so I ran in the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and then I stabbed her like 4 or 5 times. It's cool now though-she like didn't die or anything." I sat there thinking "Holy crap, I am going to die in here before I ever get out."
7.) One day at volleyball practice right before the start of the '96 OVC tournament, Coach B brought in some of the older players that had already graduated but were still around Murray to play our team one afternoon. I was standing at the net with Coach B keeping score and tossing a new ball in when needed, and I was also chatting with Coach B as the play went on. Suddenly I heard Coach gasp, and I looked up. When I did, I saw that I was about to get plowed by Sarah Dearworth, our former OVC player of the year who's quite a bit taller than me. She was running full speed and about 3 or 4 steps from me when I saw why she was charging at me-the ball was also coming right at me. I realized that I couldn't move out of the way in time, and thinking fast, I screamed out "SET!", and just like Coach B had taught me, I set the ball, and Sarah Boland then spiked it over the net. Sarah Dearworth, meanwhile, had been so focused on the ball that until I called "set" and sent the ball back over her head, she hadn't realized that she was about to plow me under her feet. The sound of me yelling so startled her that it made her stop on a dime, and she just looked at me...and Coach B let the point that Boland made with her spike off of my set stand also! Of course, that was after we took a few minutes to gather ourselves from all the laughing...
6.) One time when I was hanging out at the Phil, my parents neighbor's house, Leslie had this friend of hers, Brandy over. Since we were upstairs, Brandy asked me if I would go downstairs and get her a Twinkie from the kitchen. I said sure, but half way back, I kinda wasn't thinking and started chowing down on the Twinkie(which was the last one, btw). Watching in horror from the top of the steps, Brandy said "Al! What are you doing??" I just look at her and say "Never send a fat man to get food."
5.) One day sitting in the HCC computer lab on the second floor of the Library, Jim the custodian came up and told everyone to leave what they were doing and go downstairs because there was bad weather breaking out. I was the last one leaving and as Jim and I started down the stairs, I asked him "So, this is a drill, right? and he said "No, this is the real thing this time-they've spotted a funnel cloud over Corydon." (For those of you who don't know, Corydon is quite close to the HCC campus, and any tornado that hit there would also be headed for HCC if it didn't lift before then) Upon hearing that bit of info, I looked at Jim and said "Jim, buddy, that really wasn't the answer that I wanted to hear."
4.) One day, Blue Hair Jessica and I were eating at McDonald's in O'boro, and for some reason we were talking about bisexuality, and she was trying to think if she had slept with more guys or girls. So being helpful, I was helping her count as she named them off. When she said one particular name of this girl, I stopped her and asked her the girl's last name. She asked why i wanted to know, and I said "I think that you and I may have slept with the same girl." and So Jessica told me her last name, and my horrified look told her that we had, and so we sat there going "eww! ewww! ewww!" for a few minutes, and then to change the subject, I used the old line "So how bout Da Bears?" and we laughed. Then Jessica said the funniest thing to me. She goes "Ya know, I do remember Amy saying that she slept with a really dark, gothic but funny soccer player who played for Murray's club team...but I didn't think about that being you...I guess i should've know that there couldn't be too many gothic soccer players that played for Murray's club team."
3.) Back when I was in high school, this comedian Joe Piscopo from Saturday Night Live did a number of commercials for Miller Lite. When we watching TV at Godfather's Pizza after my church youth group went to a WKU football game, a commercial came on featuring Joe Piscopo wearing this massive sumo fat suit, all blinged up, rapping about Miller Lite. Across the bottom of the screen, it read "Rapping Fats Piscopo." Meredith, one of the girls in our group, looks up at the tv, and then turns to us and says "Did y'all know that there's really this guy named Joe Piscopo?"
2.) When I was directing In The Zone at HCC, I soon realized that we had a communication problem with a certain cameraman that semester. For those of you who've never met him, or met him once he started talking, you may not realize how complicated this got. Having Silent Ben running a camera (whom I was friends with for 3 years and I never heard him speak one time in that span.)presented problems because as director, I had to talk to the cameramen via headsets and get info from them as well. Since Ben at that time generally did not talk, that got really interesting. I mean I love the guy like a brother, and he's the most interesting guy that I've ever known (which is saying something), but it drove me insane. We wound having to have him tap the microphone once for yes and twice for no, and a time or two I had to go the fixed camera shot, and then have the other camera guy swing his camera around so I could see what hand motions Silent Ben was making to me to tell me what I needed to know...very unique obstacle for a beginning tv driector to overcome...
1.) Back when I worked at Holiday World, one of our supervisors was this girl named Sarah, who was really cool, and a real hottie also, but yet was incredibly tomboyish. One day when she was the roving supervisor, I had to close my ride because this dude had puked. Sarah stopped by to help me clean up, and she gamely volunteered to scrub while I stood and sprayed the bleach water. So, as she's down under me scraping, she starts noticing that she can tell the guy had just eaten pizza at Kris Kringle's cafe and what kind of idiot rides the Roundhouse after having just eaten pizza and so forth. I myself had also just eaten Pizza from the same place on my lunch break, and the smell plus the excessive heat, plus Sarah's narrative of what she was cleaning was too much for me, especially when she said "Oh man, he DID have the pepperoni-I think he was trying to get sick." When she heard the sound coming from above her, Sarah paused, and then calmly said to me "Al buddy...you're about to puke on the back of my head, aren't ya?" I stumbled off to the side, and then puked over the back to the ride. It still made me laugh after I got done puking how calmly she asked that and without really missing a beat in her narrative, either...
10.) Back before caller ID was real common, my friend Mark, who was actually a DJ, and talked like a professional one even in just regular convo's, and I decided to prank call Phil, the truck driver that lived next door to my parents because Phil is like the funniest dude that I have ever known in my life. So Mark calls him, and says "Phil, this is Mark from 96 STO-for ten thousand dollars, what's the phrase that pays?" It was funny because 96 STO is an Owensboro radio station that I knew Phil never listened to-thus he would have no idea that this "phrase that pays" contest was bogus. Phil's response made the moment priceless, though. He said "Hell I don't know. You can take that ten thousand dollars and shove it up your a$$ for all I care-don't call here no more!" So we wait a few minutes and go over to Phil's. When we get there, his daughter Leslie is chewing Phil for blowing their chance to win 10 grand, and so Phil asks me what I know about that stupid phrase that pays contest on STO. Mark and i started dying laughing, and luckily Phil was a really good sport about it. He said we got him pretty good-he had no idea that it wasn't a real DJ calling him.
9.) Back in high school, one weekend when we were seinors, I think, Ted and I had gotten grounded for something...but we snuck out any way in Ted's car and went to the Bowling Green mall. When we got there, it was stormy, but it didn't really seem that different than any other stormy spring day in south central KY. So naturally we were rather stunned when the PA announcer came on and asked everyone to stay inside the mall and go to the central hallways that were designated tornado shelters. Naturally of course, this meant Ted and I had to run outside and see it for ourselves. I don't rememember the name of the store now, but it's the big dept store on the end of the mall closest to I-65. We ran out the doors on the side that faces towards where the Wal-mart is now, and it was bright sunshine-which freaked us out and made us wonder what was going on. Ted started to go back in, but I grabbed his arm and said "Let's go around the mall and look in the other directions before we go back." Ted's like "Ok, whatever." So we ran around the end of the mall and looked out the other way. It was like in running 200 feet we had changed planets or something. The sky was just about pitch black, in that direction, there seemed to be no sound at all, and the air was turning green. Right as we turned the corner to that side of the mall, there was a huge crash of thunder. I'm like "OK, I've seen enough, I'm outta here." I started running back to the door in the middle, and Ted lingered for a second or two more. I looked back, and thought about running back for him, but I thought "If he's that dumb, I ain't dying too." so I kept going. Ted soon caught up to me and passed me as I ran up the main hallway of the mall to the tornado shelter. Looking back at me over his shoulder with his eyes bugged out, he screams at me "Run, Lynn! It's really coming! Hurry up, dude! Faster! GO!" So there we are, the only two people in sight in the mall, running for our lives literally. A mall cop sees us, opens the door, and yells at us to get over there, and not a minute after we do, we start hearing that sound like a jet engine. We hear glass breaking and various sounds, but it wasn't too scary, and after about 30 seconds, it was over.
We get back to Ted's car and well, the driver's side was ok, but the passenger side window and back glass were blown completely out, the windshield was badly spiderwebbed, and the whole passenger side looked like it had been sandblasted and beaten with a bat.
So we stayed grounded a while longer than we were originally supposed to after that, because there was no way that we could explain to our parents how Ted's car came to have that kind of damage on side only and him not have any type of accident report to show for it...
8.) Back when I was in high school, I got expelled about 4/5ths of the way though my junior year and sent to this drug rehab center for teens in Nashville, the kind that was kinda popular at the time instead of charging teens as adults in criminal cases or sending them to boot camps like they do now. Now I truly got an education at this place, because whereas I was a troubled teen by Russellville(pop. 7,500) standards, I got thrown into this place w/ the dregs of Nashville, TN's teens. Wowzers. Looking back now, there was one moment that first day that I was in there that seemed to really be a harbinger of what lay ahead for me. I had gotten there in the morning, and after an extensive orientation/exam/cavitity search I went to lunch with my fellow detainees and got introduced to some of them. So then we go back up to our unit, and I sit on the couch, where I am joined by this girl who looks so pure and innocent, like a little Barbie doll. We introduce ourselves, and I find out that she's Jen, and she's 14,a nd she'd been in there for 10 months already. So then, using a phrase that I had never before thought that I would ever have to seriously use, I asked "So, what're ya in for?" and she gave an answer in the most calm tone that still scares me to this day-she said: "Well, so this one day, like I was having sex with my boyfriend, and it was right after we'd smoked pot, and my mom walked in on us, and she smelled the pot, and just wenmt nuts, and started screaming at us. I couldn't take her b****ing at me any more, so I ran in the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and then I stabbed her like 4 or 5 times. It's cool now though-she like didn't die or anything." I sat there thinking "Holy crap, I am going to die in here before I ever get out."
7.) One day at volleyball practice right before the start of the '96 OVC tournament, Coach B brought in some of the older players that had already graduated but were still around Murray to play our team one afternoon. I was standing at the net with Coach B keeping score and tossing a new ball in when needed, and I was also chatting with Coach B as the play went on. Suddenly I heard Coach gasp, and I looked up. When I did, I saw that I was about to get plowed by Sarah Dearworth, our former OVC player of the year who's quite a bit taller than me. She was running full speed and about 3 or 4 steps from me when I saw why she was charging at me-the ball was also coming right at me. I realized that I couldn't move out of the way in time, and thinking fast, I screamed out "SET!", and just like Coach B had taught me, I set the ball, and Sarah Boland then spiked it over the net. Sarah Dearworth, meanwhile, had been so focused on the ball that until I called "set" and sent the ball back over her head, she hadn't realized that she was about to plow me under her feet. The sound of me yelling so startled her that it made her stop on a dime, and she just looked at me...and Coach B let the point that Boland made with her spike off of my set stand also! Of course, that was after we took a few minutes to gather ourselves from all the laughing...
6.) One time when I was hanging out at the Phil, my parents neighbor's house, Leslie had this friend of hers, Brandy over. Since we were upstairs, Brandy asked me if I would go downstairs and get her a Twinkie from the kitchen. I said sure, but half way back, I kinda wasn't thinking and started chowing down on the Twinkie(which was the last one, btw). Watching in horror from the top of the steps, Brandy said "Al! What are you doing??" I just look at her and say "Never send a fat man to get food."
5.) One day sitting in the HCC computer lab on the second floor of the Library, Jim the custodian came up and told everyone to leave what they were doing and go downstairs because there was bad weather breaking out. I was the last one leaving and as Jim and I started down the stairs, I asked him "So, this is a drill, right? and he said "No, this is the real thing this time-they've spotted a funnel cloud over Corydon." (For those of you who don't know, Corydon is quite close to the HCC campus, and any tornado that hit there would also be headed for HCC if it didn't lift before then) Upon hearing that bit of info, I looked at Jim and said "Jim, buddy, that really wasn't the answer that I wanted to hear."
4.) One day, Blue Hair Jessica and I were eating at McDonald's in O'boro, and for some reason we were talking about bisexuality, and she was trying to think if she had slept with more guys or girls. So being helpful, I was helping her count as she named them off. When she said one particular name of this girl, I stopped her and asked her the girl's last name. She asked why i wanted to know, and I said "I think that you and I may have slept with the same girl." and So Jessica told me her last name, and my horrified look told her that we had, and so we sat there going "eww! ewww! ewww!" for a few minutes, and then to change the subject, I used the old line "So how bout Da Bears?" and we laughed. Then Jessica said the funniest thing to me. She goes "Ya know, I do remember Amy saying that she slept with a really dark, gothic but funny soccer player who played for Murray's club team...but I didn't think about that being you...I guess i should've know that there couldn't be too many gothic soccer players that played for Murray's club team."
3.) Back when I was in high school, this comedian Joe Piscopo from Saturday Night Live did a number of commercials for Miller Lite. When we watching TV at Godfather's Pizza after my church youth group went to a WKU football game, a commercial came on featuring Joe Piscopo wearing this massive sumo fat suit, all blinged up, rapping about Miller Lite. Across the bottom of the screen, it read "Rapping Fats Piscopo." Meredith, one of the girls in our group, looks up at the tv, and then turns to us and says "Did y'all know that there's really this guy named Joe Piscopo?"
2.) When I was directing In The Zone at HCC, I soon realized that we had a communication problem with a certain cameraman that semester. For those of you who've never met him, or met him once he started talking, you may not realize how complicated this got. Having Silent Ben running a camera (whom I was friends with for 3 years and I never heard him speak one time in that span.)presented problems because as director, I had to talk to the cameramen via headsets and get info from them as well. Since Ben at that time generally did not talk, that got really interesting. I mean I love the guy like a brother, and he's the most interesting guy that I've ever known (which is saying something), but it drove me insane. We wound having to have him tap the microphone once for yes and twice for no, and a time or two I had to go the fixed camera shot, and then have the other camera guy swing his camera around so I could see what hand motions Silent Ben was making to me to tell me what I needed to know...very unique obstacle for a beginning tv driector to overcome...
1.) Back when I worked at Holiday World, one of our supervisors was this girl named Sarah, who was really cool, and a real hottie also, but yet was incredibly tomboyish. One day when she was the roving supervisor, I had to close my ride because this dude had puked. Sarah stopped by to help me clean up, and she gamely volunteered to scrub while I stood and sprayed the bleach water. So, as she's down under me scraping, she starts noticing that she can tell the guy had just eaten pizza at Kris Kringle's cafe and what kind of idiot rides the Roundhouse after having just eaten pizza and so forth. I myself had also just eaten Pizza from the same place on my lunch break, and the smell plus the excessive heat, plus Sarah's narrative of what she was cleaning was too much for me, especially when she said "Oh man, he DID have the pepperoni-I think he was trying to get sick." When she heard the sound coming from above her, Sarah paused, and then calmly said to me "Al buddy...you're about to puke on the back of my head, aren't ya?" I stumbled off to the side, and then puked over the back to the ride. It still made me laugh after I got done puking how calmly she asked that and without really missing a beat in her narrative, either...