(no subject)
have u ever felt like u just weren't good enough for anyone or anything? like someone u truly care about deserves so much better than u could ever give them? that feeling sux ass & i was never obligated to feel that way til last thursday... i would go into detail bout it but i'm really tired & i might end ^ fallin asleep as i write this. but let's just say that my day away from school wasn't quite what i expected it to be & i'm not really sure y.
anyway, i've been doin alot of thinking lately about the past (not just aaron), but mostly about my friends that i always assumed would be there for me but have sortta failed to do so. especially holly & ashley. i guess it might have something to do w/ me & my chic-flic buddy's "little" fight that ended in slamming doors & lots of very not nice words. watching the notebook a whole lot prolly might have something to do w/ it too. but for some reason i've seriously began to wonder about tomorrow & every day after that... not really what i'll be doing or where i'll be, but who will actually be there. one fear i have never truly conquered is this constant echoing fear of going through life utterly alone w/o anyone that actually cares. life happens & ppl fall apart, i just wonder how long it'll take me to lose georgee, robin, leah, jeff, johnny, tigger, robby, & everybody else that i've still managed to maintain for all this time. there's one particular person on that list that i truly wish i wasn't concerned about losing b/c as much as i never thought i would ever be okay w/ the word that i've ran away from each & everytime i've ever heard it mentioned it towards me, i truly fucking love him & it's not so much that i care so much that scares me - it's that i know he's in the perfect position to hurt me (again) & there's no doubt in my mind that if it weren't for him that i wouldn't have already started packing to move into leah's. no matter how much he said it was my call, i couldn't leave here w/o him. all well, i furtively know that it's impossible for this to last much longer. especially w/ the shit that happened thursday. i still can't believe that. i can't think of a single moment i've ever felt 1/2 as insecure as i did that night. i know i'm not exactly great @ alot of things but that was one thing i thought i knew i was remotely good @! it just makes no sense to me & although there is prolly 1 way it could've worked i couldn't do it for 2 reasons... i knew the big slut whore was on top & i honestly asked myself if he had even the slightest thought/memory of that while i was there & his shirt had something about the marines. all well, i can always put on the ever believable facade & go along as though nothing constantly lingers in my mind. funny though, he never ceases to amaze me. today he completely blew my mind n the music room & even w/ michael it still fascinates me just how incredible he is. & although i know all means of sleep r pretty much devoid @ this point, i'm gonna attempt to anyway.
i've been looking in the mirror for so long.
that i've come to believe my souls on the other side.
oh the little pieces falling, shatter.
shards of me,
too sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter,
but big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
if i try to touch her,
& i bleed,
i bleed,
& i breathe,
i breathe no more.
take a breath & i try to draw from my spirits well.
yet again u refuse to drink like a stubborn child.
lie to me,
convince me that i've been sick forever.
& all of this,
will make sense when i get better.
i know the difference,
between myself & my reflection.
i just can't help but to wonder,
which of us do u love.
so i bleed,
i bleed,
& i breathe,
i breathe now...
bleed,
i bleed,
& i breathe,
i breathe,
i breathe-
i breathe no more.