(no subject)
I wish things were easier right now. I just can't do this anymore, it's so hard to maintain a fake smile and pretend like everything is okay. I'm so depressed. I really thought this would be easy, I thought because I've been through this before that it wouldn't be as hard. I should have never assumed that it wouldn't. I feel like an idiot for thinking so. All I want to do is sleep and stay in bed. I'm always getting sick after I eat in the evening times. I don't know if that has anything to do with depression. I just know I feel like crap afterwards. I don't really eat that much anyway. I really hate the way I feel. Oh and my horse might be in pain and that just makes things so much more worse. I don't want him in any pain. It hurts me to see him hurting. I hope it's not to serious of a problem either. I miss being able to ride him with out any problems from him. I know I need him more then ever right now. He's my escape from this world, from men, from pain, from everything. He takes my pain away when I ride. He makes me feel as free as a bird. I used to feel like I was flying when I'd ride him. Now I don't. I don't because of the way he's acting, the way he doesn't want to go faster then a walk because it seems like he's trying to tell me it hurts him to go faster then that. I don't want that for him at all. I just can't stand it. I can't stand it at all. I'll do whatever it takes to make him better though. He needs me and I need him. Me more then he needs me. I love him with all my being, with all my heart. I would never trade having him for anything in this world. Nothing, not ever.