I am my mother
My mother has certain traits and habits that are extremely annoying to me, but I seem to share some.
Like, I want better for my kiddo, bu can't afford it.
Like, I don't have a savings, so can't fix the car. or the house. or pay bills on time.
I try not to whine, or get free stuff from people. It's just not right, and it pisses me off when my mother does it to me.
I want to be better than that.
but I feel I'm cracking under burdens I can no longer bare.
It's not my imagination. I can't keep up with this. I need out of this house. It's in too dire a need of repair, and I can't give it the TLC it needs.
I thought to myself last night....
If I knew I were going to die in a year, what would I do?
and I knew I'd
1. make savings for Bella, so she could go to college without all the trouble I had/am having.
2. make a will
3. fix the house, because it's unlikely David would move, and he would be very unlikely to have money to fix it, since someone will have to watch Bella
4. take more pictures
5. spend more time with family, and less time worrying about the future
6. try to make as many happy memories as possible. We'd go camping together, or fishing. Or sometimes, we'd just stay at home all day and read books and play card games.
I'd still want the house clean. That's a no end of stress issue for me.
All the things I want for myself....I don't know.
I want to go back to school. I want it for me, to prove I can finish it. I've felt a bit like a failure ever since I dropped out. I want to learn those things, just to know them.
I want nice things. I deserve to live in an environment that makes me happy.
I want my wedding renewal. David and I have made it so far together. I want to celebrate that love with a ceremony and a great party and share it with my friends (and his too! *lol*)
I don't want to be my mother. I don't want to find myself in the twilight of my life, full of regret.
Please Goddess, help me.
Like, I want better for my kiddo, bu can't afford it.
Like, I don't have a savings, so can't fix the car. or the house. or pay bills on time.
I try not to whine, or get free stuff from people. It's just not right, and it pisses me off when my mother does it to me.
I want to be better than that.
but I feel I'm cracking under burdens I can no longer bare.
It's not my imagination. I can't keep up with this. I need out of this house. It's in too dire a need of repair, and I can't give it the TLC it needs.
I thought to myself last night....
If I knew I were going to die in a year, what would I do?
and I knew I'd
1. make savings for Bella, so she could go to college without all the trouble I had/am having.
2. make a will
3. fix the house, because it's unlikely David would move, and he would be very unlikely to have money to fix it, since someone will have to watch Bella
4. take more pictures
5. spend more time with family, and less time worrying about the future
6. try to make as many happy memories as possible. We'd go camping together, or fishing. Or sometimes, we'd just stay at home all day and read books and play card games.
I'd still want the house clean. That's a no end of stress issue for me.
All the things I want for myself....I don't know.
I want to go back to school. I want it for me, to prove I can finish it. I've felt a bit like a failure ever since I dropped out. I want to learn those things, just to know them.
I want nice things. I deserve to live in an environment that makes me happy.
I want my wedding renewal. David and I have made it so far together. I want to celebrate that love with a ceremony and a great party and share it with my friends (and his too! *lol*)
I don't want to be my mother. I don't want to find myself in the twilight of my life, full of regret.
Please Goddess, help me.