Forced Mantra
"You are selfish."
It's the phrase that was hurled at me over & over during my childhood, through adolescence, & into adulthood as the ultimate insult. It was my constant soundtrack that I tried to get away from... & in doing so, I am selfish.
No one can harbor more hatred for myself than me. I hate myself because I am the cause of all of my suffering. If I had never been born, then I wouldn't be filled with such hatred. I am too fat. I am too quiet. I am too loud. I am too blunt. I am too honest. I hate me more than you ever will. I am nothing. I am shit.
I deserve to bleed. I deserve to be tortured every damn day because I am bad. I always have been & I always will be. I deserved every fucking thing that has happened to me. Everything. I am a horrid person. I am cold. I am fucked-up. I always will be.
I can't deal with my problems, only push them down, just like everyone else. There is no "dealing" with anything. I have been ruined for years & will never be "good." I don't speak when I should & I speak when I shouldn't. I never do the right thing.
I deserve death. I don't deserve to breathe. I don't deserve food. I deserve nothing.
I am selfish & will always be horrible. No one needs to be around me. I bring everyone down. I have too many problems & it doesn't matter. I am unimportant. Nothing I say means anything.
You are welcome to cut me with the things that hurt the most... & you did...
Trigger me. It's all it takes to make me collapse into an irrational heap of anger & tears & self-destruction.
I am nothing. I hate myself. I am not worthy of shit. I don't deserve anything.
It's the phrase that was hurled at me over & over during my childhood, through adolescence, & into adulthood as the ultimate insult. It was my constant soundtrack that I tried to get away from... & in doing so, I am selfish.
No one can harbor more hatred for myself than me. I hate myself because I am the cause of all of my suffering. If I had never been born, then I wouldn't be filled with such hatred. I am too fat. I am too quiet. I am too loud. I am too blunt. I am too honest. I hate me more than you ever will. I am nothing. I am shit.
I deserve to bleed. I deserve to be tortured every damn day because I am bad. I always have been & I always will be. I deserved every fucking thing that has happened to me. Everything. I am a horrid person. I am cold. I am fucked-up. I always will be.
I can't deal with my problems, only push them down, just like everyone else. There is no "dealing" with anything. I have been ruined for years & will never be "good." I don't speak when I should & I speak when I shouldn't. I never do the right thing.
I deserve death. I don't deserve to breathe. I don't deserve food. I deserve nothing.
I am selfish & will always be horrible. No one needs to be around me. I bring everyone down. I have too many problems & it doesn't matter. I am unimportant. Nothing I say means anything.
You are welcome to cut me with the things that hurt the most... & you did...
Trigger me. It's all it takes to make me collapse into an irrational heap of anger & tears & self-destruction.
I am nothing. I hate myself. I am not worthy of shit. I don't deserve anything.