Pour down on me
It doesn't rain it pours.
Nothing ever happens so that you can deal with one thing and then another...Oh no, when life gives you shit, it just drops it.
I wish this was about Uni and the super amount of presentations and research to get done. My group are waaaaaaay behind on the research due on the 28th and if I hadn't of taken charge, we'd be in shit-street. but I'll get it done. Somehow I will finish it. Even if I have to do it all myself. But no, that's not what's upset me.
It's been around 2 aqnd a half years since Chris came to lie here, and nannu turned round and told me not to go down because he was sick and needed to work to pay for the meds and then contacted me once at Christmas to say Merry Christmas and never again....you all know this. I've told you this. This is fact.
Michelle phoned up today and we chatted and she told me Christopher was flying over to see his mum (and her) along with his fiance'. I shrugged it off, made a few jokes about her having to keep her cool and be nice...we joked about how her mum wants her to dress respectable and she asked me if I thought a crop top, mini skirt and fishnet tights would do...I told her she was missing the hooker heels. It was all fun and jokes........until she got off the phone and the anger blazed through me. I'm not going to go on a rant; I've done that here before. There are only so many times you guys actually want to hear me go off on how bitchy it is of him to not even try when I tried for over 6 years. Or how much of a bastard thing it was for my grandfather to choose favourites and basically throw me in the bin. I'm not even going to lie again and say I'll get over it because it eats at me and eats at me and I will NEVER get over it nor forgive them. And I admit it fully. I will never ever get over being treated like trash and cast away because my name wasn't Michelle or Christopher. I tried my damn hardest to make them proud and I was just worthless in their eyes. And the fact that Chris used to go on about how much he hated his mother, how Judith and nannu changed his mind about meeting up and sorting things out with dad, how he keeps her in the loop and goes to see her but can't pick up the fucking phone and try mending things with us, it PISSES me right off. It's not just about hurt now. It's anger. Pure anger.
I tell people my biggest wish is that Judith and Nannu die before Christopher's wedding because they tried so hard to steal him, and succeeded, it would just make me smile to see them not even get to enjoy his wedding or his kids. Bitchy, but you can understand what I mean, I'm sure.
And him flying all the way over there and Michelle getting to see him when he couldn't give two shits about this stupid bitch here who fucking tried and tried to keep him in the family......
And then mum asked me if I'd seen the recent pics of Nannu....she'd checked the fiance's page and they were there.......It's interesting how the fiance' keeps a lot of the pics as public, almost like she wants us to see them and not in a bitchy way.....I digress....I checked them out. Nannu looks old. He's 74 on the 22nd of this month....but he looks half-dead. He's lost a lot of weight, he's gaunt, lost all colour....he looks sick.....and part of me felt sad. He's old and he'll prob not see me graduate and won't be in my life and I was sad because he chose this, and he looks old and he could die soon.......And then I was angry. He chucked me out. He pushed me away. He didn't want me. He made me feel worthless, disgusting, unwanted, like I don't mean anything to him. He deserves to be old and sad and I hope as days go past and he gets older, it starts eating him up inside, what he's done. Not just to me, but to Sean. To dad. to Mum. To Michelle to some degree. And to me. I hope he can't sleep, I hope he's terrorised by nightmares. I hope it eats at him inside. I hope that old frail man realised he's been an utter shit bastard to us and I hope he feels disgusted with himself.
It's a terrible feeling....sad and angry. Like a part of me still can't undertstand why and wants to know why and is still hurt and upset. And the other just wants to scream at him, tell hi how she feels...and I prob won't get that chance. It's unfair that I will never get to say how I felt. How hurt I was. How he hurt me. How Chris hurt me. What about me!? I went and listened to both, but neither gave a fucking damn about me. I, and my feelings, are worth something dammit and it's unfair that they get to share in Chris' life when they pushed me and my family out.
I'm going to bed. I don't need to cry. I've cried and cried and cried for the past 11 years. I need to sleep and forget. I have a car lesson tomorrow and need to let go. It's tiring you know, it not being sorted out. So many loose ends, so many words left unsaid. They spin round at night when I think of them, spinning and spinning and the hate, the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, the feelings of being worthless..I want to scream at them, yell at them, hurt them, let them know how hurt I am and I don't have the chance......it'll erupt one day. One day it will, I can feel it. One day I'll blow and they'll find out exactly how I feel, and I won't hold back.
One day.
Nothing ever happens so that you can deal with one thing and then another...Oh no, when life gives you shit, it just drops it.
I wish this was about Uni and the super amount of presentations and research to get done. My group are waaaaaaay behind on the research due on the 28th and if I hadn't of taken charge, we'd be in shit-street. but I'll get it done. Somehow I will finish it. Even if I have to do it all myself. But no, that's not what's upset me.
It's been around 2 aqnd a half years since Chris came to lie here, and nannu turned round and told me not to go down because he was sick and needed to work to pay for the meds and then contacted me once at Christmas to say Merry Christmas and never again....you all know this. I've told you this. This is fact.
Michelle phoned up today and we chatted and she told me Christopher was flying over to see his mum (and her) along with his fiance'. I shrugged it off, made a few jokes about her having to keep her cool and be nice...we joked about how her mum wants her to dress respectable and she asked me if I thought a crop top, mini skirt and fishnet tights would do...I told her she was missing the hooker heels. It was all fun and jokes........until she got off the phone and the anger blazed through me. I'm not going to go on a rant; I've done that here before. There are only so many times you guys actually want to hear me go off on how bitchy it is of him to not even try when I tried for over 6 years. Or how much of a bastard thing it was for my grandfather to choose favourites and basically throw me in the bin. I'm not even going to lie again and say I'll get over it because it eats at me and eats at me and I will NEVER get over it nor forgive them. And I admit it fully. I will never ever get over being treated like trash and cast away because my name wasn't Michelle or Christopher. I tried my damn hardest to make them proud and I was just worthless in their eyes. And the fact that Chris used to go on about how much he hated his mother, how Judith and nannu changed his mind about meeting up and sorting things out with dad, how he keeps her in the loop and goes to see her but can't pick up the fucking phone and try mending things with us, it PISSES me right off. It's not just about hurt now. It's anger. Pure anger.
I tell people my biggest wish is that Judith and Nannu die before Christopher's wedding because they tried so hard to steal him, and succeeded, it would just make me smile to see them not even get to enjoy his wedding or his kids. Bitchy, but you can understand what I mean, I'm sure.
And him flying all the way over there and Michelle getting to see him when he couldn't give two shits about this stupid bitch here who fucking tried and tried to keep him in the family......
And then mum asked me if I'd seen the recent pics of Nannu....she'd checked the fiance's page and they were there.......It's interesting how the fiance' keeps a lot of the pics as public, almost like she wants us to see them and not in a bitchy way.....I digress....I checked them out. Nannu looks old. He's 74 on the 22nd of this month....but he looks half-dead. He's lost a lot of weight, he's gaunt, lost all colour....he looks sick.....and part of me felt sad. He's old and he'll prob not see me graduate and won't be in my life and I was sad because he chose this, and he looks old and he could die soon.......And then I was angry. He chucked me out. He pushed me away. He didn't want me. He made me feel worthless, disgusting, unwanted, like I don't mean anything to him. He deserves to be old and sad and I hope as days go past and he gets older, it starts eating him up inside, what he's done. Not just to me, but to Sean. To dad. to Mum. To Michelle to some degree. And to me. I hope he can't sleep, I hope he's terrorised by nightmares. I hope it eats at him inside. I hope that old frail man realised he's been an utter shit bastard to us and I hope he feels disgusted with himself.
It's a terrible feeling....sad and angry. Like a part of me still can't undertstand why and wants to know why and is still hurt and upset. And the other just wants to scream at him, tell hi how she feels...and I prob won't get that chance. It's unfair that I will never get to say how I felt. How hurt I was. How he hurt me. How Chris hurt me. What about me!? I went and listened to both, but neither gave a fucking damn about me. I, and my feelings, are worth something dammit and it's unfair that they get to share in Chris' life when they pushed me and my family out.
I'm going to bed. I don't need to cry. I've cried and cried and cried for the past 11 years. I need to sleep and forget. I have a car lesson tomorrow and need to let go. It's tiring you know, it not being sorted out. So many loose ends, so many words left unsaid. They spin round at night when I think of them, spinning and spinning and the hate, the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, the feelings of being worthless..I want to scream at them, yell at them, hurt them, let them know how hurt I am and I don't have the chance......it'll erupt one day. One day it will, I can feel it. One day I'll blow and they'll find out exactly how I feel, and I won't hold back.
One day.