. . . why? . . .
I swear . . . I know a lot of other people have worse trouble than I do, but my dad is always getting mad at me because he's sick. But yet he wont put forth any effort to stop smoking or drinking. I haven't been able to sleep for the past few night because of the constant smoking. I mean, I don't mind if he would step outside, and not smoke in the car, specially when his window doesn't work. He goes every other day to get a 24 pack of beer . . . Just last Oct he was cleared of hepatitis C. I hate the month October. I was born then, a week before my birthday my mom died, my dad almost died in October a few years back and he's getting sick again and its almost October. I hate it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love him for the fact he provides me with food clothing and shelter but I hate him for everything else. All he is, is a father to me. That's all. I'm serious. I mean, I go to school to get away from home. I hate that. I want it the other way around. Can't wait to go home. I got a parent that actually shows he cares and doesn't make me cry every day or more. I mean, tonight he's drunk. So I hafta be the mature one because he forgets to let the dog out when he's whining to go to the bathroom. Forgets that he is still a father, that he constantly take upon himself to remind me of. But he doesn't get it, no matter how many times I say it to him. That's all he is. Just a father. Nothing more. He's not a friend, ally just a father. Someone there to help make my life a living hell if his mom and sisters aren't doing a good enough job of it as it is. He has to add his two cents in, make me upset then complains, gets all mad and leaves. Why the hell do I hafta stay here?? Why couldn't they just have gotten a divorce, at least I could see my mom. I'd have someone in my family to talk to. I'd have my old best friend back, and I wouldn't hafta deal with him by myself. My dog is my only comfort. Anytime I cry he's right there. He ignores dad, which pisses him off and he's there. Cause most of my friends prefer to talk online, they don't know when I'm crying. Which is most of the time. If anyone ever asked me who my family was, I would prolly hafta say I have none. I hate that people hafta come from "broken homes". There are way too many out there. Most of my friends parent are divorced, going through a divorce or just like whatever. But most of my parent have both. Whether they are separate or still living together. I know that some have a hard time with the divorces with wanting to stay with only one parent, and hating the other. At least they have that choice. Before my mom past away, I always did everything with her. Went to the movies, ate, saw my granny and poppy, school field trips. I saw my day 30 minutes of the day, half the day on Saturday due to work and half Sunday cause he would be sleeping. I remember that we, me and my dad, use to play connect fours together. I loved that. That was my special time with him. Anytime my mom got mad at me for something that wasn't really my fault, my dad was there. Then, I could talk to both of my parents and the conversation wouldn't end in a fight and me crying. That's how me and my dad's conversation are now. He's always saying I can't talk to him, and when I take him up on the offer, he's too busy watching TV, or I did something wrong, I didn't do it his way. I mean, why?? why is he like that now. He doesn't have a job, really has made no effort to get one cause he's waiting on the results to see if he has anouther type of deadly cancer. ANOUTHER!!! I lost my mom to cancer, my poppy, my great grannie, several aunts, and family friends. I don't want to loose him. I don't care if I hate him, I still don't want to loose him, even though he's already lost me, I don't want to loose him. I couldn't take it. I don't want to take it.