(no subject)

[gothica_poesia]

So, I told my grandmother not even 5 minutes ago about Wednesday.

I told her how i'm leaving to a city a thousand miles away.

I wanted to cry and apologize and I still do but I have nothing to say sorry to.

I love her and she's been the only mom i've ever known.
That doesn't change that she's hurt me.
a dozen times
for telling me how terrible of a person I am.

I have nothing to say sorry for except that I couldn't be what she wanted even if deep down inside i'm the best thing ever.

I told her i'll be back for holidays and that I wish I could take my cat.

I told her how i'd be in Houston to change planes.

She couldn't comprehend why California. Why not Florida.

I told her I want to go out and do crazy things.
I don't want to be stuck in Delaware.

My father is going to be told this weekend when I see him.
I'm scared he'll punch me in the face.

He said he'll only pay for me to come back once a few weeks ago.
He said he wanted to talk to Kyle then never showed up.

I'm tired of always been the one to lean on and blame.
I want them to know what it's like for me to not be there.
I want to know what it's like with them not being there.

I still want to cry.
Not because of second thoughts.
I want to cry because i'm so overwhelmed and terrified.