I think I hate confusion more than depression
I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I'm so jumbled up in my head that I just want to cry, or something. It started yesterday. I got up really early to drive up to B-ham so I could go to church with Adam. Everything was fine but right before service started Adam and I got into an ongoing conersation we've been having where he is just a bit too conservative adn I'm not as conservative. I think this is the point where my mood for the day morphed into an irritated confused one. I started thinking maybe this won't work out, maybe I shouldn't be with this guy and then I thought well maybe I'm supposed to help him. (Adam has a self diagnosed problem with being too analytical and legalistic) I still had feelings, but they were muttled. I just felt...weird...The next time I felt this he took me to this tower thing in the woods where you can see all of Bellingham. I don't know why I felt it there, and he kept pestering me for kisses and for the first time in our relationship I was really hesitant to give. Then we went to his parents place and he wanted to go out to his new place so I could see it (I didn't really want to because it was far and it sounded like a biohazard at the moment) I felt this source of annoyance, but we went there and it wasn't pretty. I told him, I want you to go back to school. He's so stubborn and self road blocking. he refuses to have debt so there is no way to pay for school, and yes his situation isharder than mine, but I don't want to end up married to someone with a dead end job. I don't want my kids to have to suffer poverty and have to work their asses off just to get an education. I'm afraid that he will never go back to school, never be more than a roofer, and then ne depressed all his life and it just looks like a bleak future. i know that he would be good to me, and would be a good father and all that, but I'm afraid that I'm getting myself into a situation that will turn out ugly. i don't know what to do. I mean my sister, did it, striking parallels, and she seems to be doing fine, but there is animosity in my family towards a guy with no education, and I don't want that. I do want to be with him, but I don't feel love, and that scares me becuase it feels like I should feel more than I do right now. I don't know if its him or me. I don't want to break up with him. Maybe I'm just letting my family get to me, or maybe its me. I'm on the verge of giving ultimatums. you want to get married some day, you better prepare yourself for that by having a good job, a career path and a plan for the future, I guess all really care about is that he has a career path started on. You know I don't even care if he's a plummer or something "repulsive (think of what those hands touch)" but jsut someone who has a path in life. Maybe this is the persecution Jesus spoke of. Trying to be righteous in a non-righteous world, and i want to rebel and say that he needs to have a path outside of God, but nothing is outside God. Sometimes I think Adam is obsessed with righteousness and legalities. he halts himself by trying so hard, but what is important? Works? No. We are saved by faith and not by works. Yet Faith is dead without works. Sometimes I just want to be normal and forget about God. I think this is why the prophet Jeremiah loathed his calling. (Not that I'm a prophet) Anyway I don't want to talk to Adam about this quite yet because 1) I have no idea how to approach him 2) I don't want to hurt his feelings, or make his think that I'm saying he's worthless, i just want a secure future. Living pay check to pay check is not fun. I've always told him i don't care if he makes a lot of money, but I do want to him to make enough to suffice. Things were so much easier when I wasn't considering marriage qualities in my mates. Ah to be 13 again...