The Past and the Present
Hey Everybody,
I want to find my biological mother and i know that it is not going to be eassy to do that. i just want to find her because there are so many questions that i have for her and i want to know if she can answer them. that way when i have a child i know that i am not going to make the same mistakes that she made with me. i have not been able to sleep for the past week and so i have been on the computer writting letters and poems and everything so that i can let out all the feelings that i have. i have also sent out a lot of information so that i can find her but when i got a number and i called it was the wrong number. so now i am back at square one. i am not sure what i am going to do. i am getting married in november and i want the answers to the questions before then, but i think that the question that is in the air is...Am I going to have them before then? I can't answer that but i can wait and wait just like i have been doing since i was 7 years old. she never really loved me and i accept that i was not as lucky as some people and i am ok with that as well. however i deserve the right to know what i was to her. i think that i already know but what it i dont...
Another thing that i have been thinking about is my brother and what he thinks of me and what i am doing with my life. i made him so many promises and he will not be here to see them happen. i have no pictures of him and that makes it more hurtful. i am planning on blowing up a picture of my future husbands grandmother(Gloria DiGiulio) and i wanted to have one of my brother but i dont think that is going to happen. However there is a poem that i wrote for him and i know that i am going to be standing there in tears and reading it for the world to hear. i think that i will place a copy of the poem in here. it is funny but in my eyes i never really greaved aboout it and i am not sure why. i did over everyone eles...but maybe the reason is because i dont want him gone yet. i think that he is still just a phone call away. when really he is not a phone call away anymore. in my diary i wrote about him saying...
In Memory
We wish that Jimmy could be with us
This very special day,
'Cause he was like a rush of sun
Before he went away.
We light this candle so that we
Might bring him here awhile,
As we remember his bright flame,
His laughter and his smile.
We wish that he could share with us
The happiness we feel,
'Cause knowing that he knew our joy
Would make it all more real.
But even though he's not with us,
His presence is still strong,
'Cause in his heart we'll always find
The love for which we long.
I wrote this poem for a dear friend that just passed away
from Lung Cancer. I wish that bad things did not have to
happen to the people that you care the most about. But you
can not pick and chose what life gives you. My favorite
saying is that "life is like a box of cholocates you never
know what you are going to get"-Forest Gump. The reason
why i love that saying is because i know that it is true.
So for Jimmy I write this poem and i hope that one day i
can tell him all the things that i never got to tell him.
because i love him so much and no that he is not with me
and i wish that he was. In life you wish that people are
not there to bother you and to tell you when to do
something and what to do. but when they are not there you
wish that you could hear their voice one last time. you
know that you would give anything to just hold them one
more time but then you realize that you never will again.
anyways that is life and that is all that i am going to say for today.
love you all and talk to you later
love
Gothic_Lullbie