feeling sad woud be an understatment
i am totaly fucked off today. i am contsantly bored and it really starting to get to me. i could clean and then clean some more but the house isn't that much of a mess. so my brain has been doing that great thing of thinking. mainly thinking about what i wanted to be doing with my self. how i wanted to be on the way to moving, having fun,having a job, getting out the house ans how its all gone balls up and it looks as though i am stuck here for longer. i can't get a fucking job till i am better and out of therapy. i have no idea when or if indeed its going to happen. i am stuck here in therapy until next november. i really didn't want to still be here by then, and getting a job is the only way i could pay off my debts and start a fresh. My brain not being a fan of posative thinking isn't helping. i was starting to do well, go out etc etc. i have spoken to people about it and they said "Can't you get a baby sitter" no i can't. Gaz is a waist of time, as is my mother. plus i don't have the money to go out with in the first place. i thought about trying to get some spinny gigs set up but my techs are fucked and i have to wait till after the holidays to send them back :( i can not do fire as my wiks are just about had it and i don't have the money to buy new ones, and even if i did the kids need stuff like shoes and clothes. not to mention i need clothes too. so you see at the moment i am stuck for options or at least my brain will not let me think of any without any buts.
Gaz is having the kids tomorrow till tuesday and i am going to be so bored. my day revolves around the kids. without them there is no point in a day. Then my mother is on about having the kids for a few days next week too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
the people who used to come round here loads don't bother anymore, which is hardley surprising if i think about it.
why do i get my hopes built up for wanting a better future or at least a future when everything i do never lasts or gets to start in the first place. Apparently it could be down to the lack of support i have, but i have never had support and always done things on my own. its not something you can just go out and get. either people are willing to do it or they are not. turns out they are as long as i do what they want !!!!
Ross is great but doesn't understand how my brain works, or the fact io do not have any control over how it works. he keeps telling me its easy and i should just stop worrying but i can't.
I thinks its upset Sam that his bio dad has not sent anything in the post for him. even morgans bio grandma and aunt came round, ok they got sam something too which is nice, and yes we only see them on special occasions but at least they bother. Sam's dad on the other hand.... well there is no excuse. i have never said to him that he can not send him things, call to see how he is, just that he is not seeing him. Grrrrrrrrrrr
so yeah bored and pissed off
Gaz is having the kids tomorrow till tuesday and i am going to be so bored. my day revolves around the kids. without them there is no point in a day. Then my mother is on about having the kids for a few days next week too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
the people who used to come round here loads don't bother anymore, which is hardley surprising if i think about it.
why do i get my hopes built up for wanting a better future or at least a future when everything i do never lasts or gets to start in the first place. Apparently it could be down to the lack of support i have, but i have never had support and always done things on my own. its not something you can just go out and get. either people are willing to do it or they are not. turns out they are as long as i do what they want !!!!
Ross is great but doesn't understand how my brain works, or the fact io do not have any control over how it works. he keeps telling me its easy and i should just stop worrying but i can't.
I thinks its upset Sam that his bio dad has not sent anything in the post for him. even morgans bio grandma and aunt came round, ok they got sam something too which is nice, and yes we only see them on special occasions but at least they bother. Sam's dad on the other hand.... well there is no excuse. i have never said to him that he can not send him things, call to see how he is, just that he is not seeing him. Grrrrrrrrrrr
so yeah bored and pissed off