Days Like Yesterday
This is a bit of personal writing I did. If you have any questions, just ask.
You think that yesterday was one of the best days you had in a long time. It was fun, relaxing, and what might be most important, you felt happy. Not the emotion you’ve grown accustomed to calling happy - the feeling of not being sad and not wishing for some abstract, far-away future - but really, truly, laugh-out-loud happy. You didn’t ever want the day to end. Everything felt right. You forgot what it was like, feeling like that.
You don’t know if you can pin-point your happiness to one specific moment in time. It was a myriad of moments that caused the sudden upswing in your emotions; things just went right and you are content with that. You didn’t think of the issues that usually precipitated a downpour of tears, and when ‘That One Day’ was brought up, your voice didn’t break, nor did the usual knotted feeling in your stomach appear. You were able to use a voice of confidence, feel comfortable in the conversation. (Though you still are unable to call ‘That One Day’ what it really is. You wonder if you ever will.) Maybe Nathan is right, maybe you are getting better.
Nathan. Yesterday felt like the Fourth of July, like all was right in the world, and maybe things between you and him will stay pretty okay. Like feeling happy, this was one of the first times where you didn’t really think of all the bad blood between you, of the failings in your friendship that nearly tore the two of you apart. You like the time spent between you and him to ne like that. No sadness. No tears. No using him as an emotional buffer. Just Shea and Nathan, being friends. You only have one regret for the day, that you and him had to be inebriated while you had your fun. You still aren’t entirely convinced that he isn’t spending time with you out of guilty obligation, and you feel like the proverbial ‘carrots’ might have been an incentive to tag along. You suppose that feeling will fade with time. You hope it does, at least.
Time. Time is a very funny thing, you think. You realized that when you had dinner with Emily. Emily, who was getting married. Emily, who was concerned with having enough money to pay the bills. Emily, who was worried about any future children between her and Ben. She’s exactly three months older than you, but the way she holds herself, the way her life is, makes her feel so much older than you are. You don’t mind. You and her want two different things out of life. You can’t imagine ever getting married this young, the thought is completely repulsive to you. But for her…it seems right. You know she’s ready for this, and you are happy for your friend.
It’s surprisingly easy to talk to Emily about the things in your life. She isn’t Nathan, who is your security blanket, but she’s been there before. You know if he’s not there or in the midst of ignoring you, you will hopefully be able to talk to her. And that’s what you did at dinner. You talked about other things, of course. Weddings, clothes, summer classes, but your depression weighed heavily on the conversation. You can’t wait until it’s only a thing of the past, not your brutal present. You saw worry in her eyes when you talked about what you’ve been going through, but it wasn’t the pitying stare you usually received at UK. It’s quite comforting. What was also comforting was her telling you that she finally considered Nathan to be a decent individual. While she said it with a slight to his past transgression, it warmed your heart a little bit. Life’s a bit easier when your friends don’t hate each other. You’re fairly certain Emily knows this.
It’s days like yesterday that make you feel like you’re going to be okay, and you like that.
You think that yesterday was one of the best days you had in a long time. It was fun, relaxing, and what might be most important, you felt happy. Not the emotion you’ve grown accustomed to calling happy - the feeling of not being sad and not wishing for some abstract, far-away future - but really, truly, laugh-out-loud happy. You didn’t ever want the day to end. Everything felt right. You forgot what it was like, feeling like that.
You don’t know if you can pin-point your happiness to one specific moment in time. It was a myriad of moments that caused the sudden upswing in your emotions; things just went right and you are content with that. You didn’t think of the issues that usually precipitated a downpour of tears, and when ‘That One Day’ was brought up, your voice didn’t break, nor did the usual knotted feeling in your stomach appear. You were able to use a voice of confidence, feel comfortable in the conversation. (Though you still are unable to call ‘That One Day’ what it really is. You wonder if you ever will.) Maybe Nathan is right, maybe you are getting better.
Nathan. Yesterday felt like the Fourth of July, like all was right in the world, and maybe things between you and him will stay pretty okay. Like feeling happy, this was one of the first times where you didn’t really think of all the bad blood between you, of the failings in your friendship that nearly tore the two of you apart. You like the time spent between you and him to ne like that. No sadness. No tears. No using him as an emotional buffer. Just Shea and Nathan, being friends. You only have one regret for the day, that you and him had to be inebriated while you had your fun. You still aren’t entirely convinced that he isn’t spending time with you out of guilty obligation, and you feel like the proverbial ‘carrots’ might have been an incentive to tag along. You suppose that feeling will fade with time. You hope it does, at least.
Time. Time is a very funny thing, you think. You realized that when you had dinner with Emily. Emily, who was getting married. Emily, who was concerned with having enough money to pay the bills. Emily, who was worried about any future children between her and Ben. She’s exactly three months older than you, but the way she holds herself, the way her life is, makes her feel so much older than you are. You don’t mind. You and her want two different things out of life. You can’t imagine ever getting married this young, the thought is completely repulsive to you. But for her…it seems right. You know she’s ready for this, and you are happy for your friend.
It’s surprisingly easy to talk to Emily about the things in your life. She isn’t Nathan, who is your security blanket, but she’s been there before. You know if he’s not there or in the midst of ignoring you, you will hopefully be able to talk to her. And that’s what you did at dinner. You talked about other things, of course. Weddings, clothes, summer classes, but your depression weighed heavily on the conversation. You can’t wait until it’s only a thing of the past, not your brutal present. You saw worry in her eyes when you talked about what you’ve been going through, but it wasn’t the pitying stare you usually received at UK. It’s quite comforting. What was also comforting was her telling you that she finally considered Nathan to be a decent individual. While she said it with a slight to his past transgression, it warmed your heart a little bit. Life’s a bit easier when your friends don’t hate each other. You’re fairly certain Emily knows this.
It’s days like yesterday that make you feel like you’re going to be okay, and you like that.