The stress of the first test is over...

[gothai]

I took my first test on Tuesday and passed. I was actually disappointed though because I got a 92% and not 100%. I have another test on Thursday over the first five, count them, yes five chapters. I am suppose to study with my new fire fighter buddy, Paul, on Wednesday. School and both jobs are going well, for now. The only problem I have right now is women. I really don't want to get into that even though it is my journal and I can say what I want. There I go again running away from feelings or emotions. I could make this a private journal and still not write anything at all. No wonder everyone thinks I am an ass. I am so emotionally detached and like it that way. I don't feel, I don't need, and I definitely don't cry. I am very complacent or even ambivalent over just about everything. Life happens, I am happy. I know what that emotion feels like. I am worried about burning anymore bridges than I already have. I know one day I might feel again and need someone to be there and not have anyone. I know that I am an ass and a walking contradiction. A beautiful disaster as I was once told by someone. Well ok I started to type and can't stop so I guess I will release it all. I ended my non-platonic "relationship" w/ Red and Jillian. I felt somewhat pressured into a relationship by both and I know that that is not what I want from either of them. It was like an underlying, overwhelming feeling that I had and I just couldn't handle it. Since I am commitment-phobic, as some would say, I ran, like I do. I really hurt Jillian and that bothers me. I do love her very much, she is the only one who knows every part, good and evil, of me. I did the hardest thing that I have ever done, which was to tell her that I was not "in love" with her anymore. We, I feel, have grown apart. I am changing a lot and becoming more comfortable in my skin. I try to talk to her and only seem to upset her. She is giving me what I want by giving me my freedom but it is also pulling us apart, I feel. I don't want anyone to have false hope about "us" and therefore I am nothing but honest in my poly relations. I don't lie and I don't play. I also do not divulge information unless I am asked. I will probably will get irritated for you even asking.... I read those lines and I think to myself, "Self, Am I really that complicated?" I know that I am stubborn and I know all of the things that I should be, yet I am not. I am so far outside of the box in this rat race that we live I wonder if there is anything that can help me function in this modern day society?...
Ok, enough with this excessive rambling that I do.. I really need to learn when to shut-up and when to speak.