you may be a sinner, but your innocence is mine
Dear H,
I couldn't feel worse, but at the same time I can. I need to just get it out... I'm so done. Kyle had therapy today and I wanted to feel happy and supportive, but I found myself feeling something quite different. I was jealous... Like... Jealous of his depression. Its like he's becomming me and I'm no one any more. All I ever was was my depression. Its not confortable for me to be where I am right now. I want to be where he is. I 'm jealous and that makes me feel like I'm a really bad person. Like, thats my identity. I must be a very shitty significant other. I shouid say I'm happy for him and that he needs help, instead I find myself wishing I could be that... Like, fuck medication. It's like it has swallowed me whole and I no longer am even myself.
All I've ever been is my depression and anxiety for so long. It's like, do I really want to get better? Getting better means a lot of things. What is there that is worth it? I really had to get myself low just to feel normal. Then I cried, then I acted like a jerk, then I felt useless. Now I just feel like a big loser piece of shit. Which is bad, but good all at the same time. I feel terrible about myself, and that is normal, but it's bad.
It's so bad I've had to go through my documents just to read and reread certain things just to keep me low. I should want to get better, instead I find myself trying to get myself down. God, I am so uncomfortable with myself as a whole. I mean, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I just hate it. I hate the world, paired with the fact that I hate myself, what is even left? Oh what? Get a job, run the rat race? Yea, it all just doesn't seem worth it.
It isn't really worth it. It really just isn't. I am wrapped in the cloth of my self loathing and it's comforting, yet so unsettling all at once. I want to just die and get it all over with. Why isn't it all just over with already? I'm 29, I don't care any more. I'll never be who I want, and I couldn't even handle the person I want to be anyways. Fuck it. Fuck it to all bloody hell.
SSDD
I couldn't feel worse, but at the same time I can. I need to just get it out... I'm so done. Kyle had therapy today and I wanted to feel happy and supportive, but I found myself feeling something quite different. I was jealous... Like... Jealous of his depression. Its like he's becomming me and I'm no one any more. All I ever was was my depression. Its not confortable for me to be where I am right now. I want to be where he is. I 'm jealous and that makes me feel like I'm a really bad person. Like, thats my identity. I must be a very shitty significant other. I shouid say I'm happy for him and that he needs help, instead I find myself wishing I could be that... Like, fuck medication. It's like it has swallowed me whole and I no longer am even myself.
All I've ever been is my depression and anxiety for so long. It's like, do I really want to get better? Getting better means a lot of things. What is there that is worth it? I really had to get myself low just to feel normal. Then I cried, then I acted like a jerk, then I felt useless. Now I just feel like a big loser piece of shit. Which is bad, but good all at the same time. I feel terrible about myself, and that is normal, but it's bad.
It's so bad I've had to go through my documents just to read and reread certain things just to keep me low. I should want to get better, instead I find myself trying to get myself down. God, I am so uncomfortable with myself as a whole. I mean, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I just hate it. I hate the world, paired with the fact that I hate myself, what is even left? Oh what? Get a job, run the rat race? Yea, it all just doesn't seem worth it.
It isn't really worth it. It really just isn't. I am wrapped in the cloth of my self loathing and it's comforting, yet so unsettling all at once. I want to just die and get it all over with. Why isn't it all just over with already? I'm 29, I don't care any more. I'll never be who I want, and I couldn't even handle the person I want to be anyways. Fuck it. Fuck it to all bloody hell.
SSDD