No need to walk around in circles
Dear H,
It has been a while since I posted. I know i've been trying to keep my LJ upbeat and happy, but I cannot hide it any longer. I'm tired of not really writing what I want to write about...
So first and foremost, I don't really have friends up here. That is okay I guess, I don't mind... But sometimes i do get lonely, and wish i had someone to talk to. I find myself just looking at my phone, hoping someone will hit me up. I feel like an idiot, so then i just cut myself off. I pretend I'm totally find and okay, because if i didn't... I don't even want to think of the consequences. This is nothing new to me, just something I need to deal with. Medication is not dealing with it, medication is just a short term fix for a long term problem. So I am going through that, wishing folks would understand why I don't want to take it.
School is no different, super stressful. I don't know why I even bother sometimes. It is so hard to see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I am stressed, and what is worse is that i'm doing it to myself. I am procrastinating and making it rough, but it is just so hard to find the motivation to just sit down and do my homework. Damn you college, damn you. But who said being a junior in college doing nothing but upper division course work toward my double major would be easy? It is something I chose to do and now I must live with it. The hardest thing is that all i want to do is sleep, or just smoke, and watch netflix. I don't want to deal with work...
To make matters worse, I've been having bad dreams and it is keeping me from sleeping. Last night I was so tired I ended up falling asleep round 8, woke up maybe at 830 or 840, I was so sure i was going to sleep last night. SO sure because I never fall asleep like that. SO i woke up and went outside, smoked a bowl, then tried to go back to bed. It did not work. I ended up staying up until almost 3 in the morning. Then I wake up early, because I cannot stand sleeping in... So i get up at 745, giving up on sleep. that is how this whole week has been. I just need to get used to little sleep again, especially if I am not taking my medication.
The dreams are what really get me. The dreams are seemingly really stupid, shit no one else would feel angst about... I tried explaining to my therapist about it, but she didn't get it. She looked at me like i was a raging idiot. I hate it. I don't want to feel like i'm different from most people, but then I think... I don't want to be the same... So it is all one big issue. Last night was pretty shitty... and I'm tired and didn't get any work done.
But so far, today has been alright. I made it to my first class. I didn't do the reading for my other class and I have a quiz... So i'm debating on what I should do about it. To make matters worse I have been talking to Kyle again. Things just feel so complicated now, and I wish they weren't. I think we are better as friends, but I still have that feeling inside of me that wants more than that. But I'm freaked out because... well shit, i'm generally a depressed person and I am still trying to work through my shit, and It would be very bad to even think about starting a relationship. Yea, It's pretty damn lame.
I am going to meet with my anthropology teacher here in a min and I'm feeling very angst. I get the feeling she doesn't like me, and I dunno, i'm just far to chill for that lame shit. Just chalk it up to one more thing imma be trippin out about until it's over. I just don't know what the hell to do for that class. I'm pretty behind in the reading, the projects, everything!! All in all i'd suppose I should cut the bullshit and get down to work. Get over it
Get over it
Get over it
Get back to work and forget yourself in that
It has been a while since I posted. I know i've been trying to keep my LJ upbeat and happy, but I cannot hide it any longer. I'm tired of not really writing what I want to write about...
So first and foremost, I don't really have friends up here. That is okay I guess, I don't mind... But sometimes i do get lonely, and wish i had someone to talk to. I find myself just looking at my phone, hoping someone will hit me up. I feel like an idiot, so then i just cut myself off. I pretend I'm totally find and okay, because if i didn't... I don't even want to think of the consequences. This is nothing new to me, just something I need to deal with. Medication is not dealing with it, medication is just a short term fix for a long term problem. So I am going through that, wishing folks would understand why I don't want to take it.
School is no different, super stressful. I don't know why I even bother sometimes. It is so hard to see any sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I am stressed, and what is worse is that i'm doing it to myself. I am procrastinating and making it rough, but it is just so hard to find the motivation to just sit down and do my homework. Damn you college, damn you. But who said being a junior in college doing nothing but upper division course work toward my double major would be easy? It is something I chose to do and now I must live with it. The hardest thing is that all i want to do is sleep, or just smoke, and watch netflix. I don't want to deal with work...
To make matters worse, I've been having bad dreams and it is keeping me from sleeping. Last night I was so tired I ended up falling asleep round 8, woke up maybe at 830 or 840, I was so sure i was going to sleep last night. SO sure because I never fall asleep like that. SO i woke up and went outside, smoked a bowl, then tried to go back to bed. It did not work. I ended up staying up until almost 3 in the morning. Then I wake up early, because I cannot stand sleeping in... So i get up at 745, giving up on sleep. that is how this whole week has been. I just need to get used to little sleep again, especially if I am not taking my medication.
The dreams are what really get me. The dreams are seemingly really stupid, shit no one else would feel angst about... I tried explaining to my therapist about it, but she didn't get it. She looked at me like i was a raging idiot. I hate it. I don't want to feel like i'm different from most people, but then I think... I don't want to be the same... So it is all one big issue. Last night was pretty shitty... and I'm tired and didn't get any work done.
But so far, today has been alright. I made it to my first class. I didn't do the reading for my other class and I have a quiz... So i'm debating on what I should do about it. To make matters worse I have been talking to Kyle again. Things just feel so complicated now, and I wish they weren't. I think we are better as friends, but I still have that feeling inside of me that wants more than that. But I'm freaked out because... well shit, i'm generally a depressed person and I am still trying to work through my shit, and It would be very bad to even think about starting a relationship. Yea, It's pretty damn lame.
I am going to meet with my anthropology teacher here in a min and I'm feeling very angst. I get the feeling she doesn't like me, and I dunno, i'm just far to chill for that lame shit. Just chalk it up to one more thing imma be trippin out about until it's over. I just don't know what the hell to do for that class. I'm pretty behind in the reading, the projects, everything!! All in all i'd suppose I should cut the bullshit and get down to work. Get over it
Get over it
Get over it
Get back to work and forget yourself in that