Fic - For What It's Worth (25/25)
Title: For What It's Worth
Chapter: 25/25
Rating: M
Ship: James/Kendall, Logan/Camille, side Carlos/Dak, Carlos/Lucy, Jett/Mercedes, and Guitar Dude/Jennifers
Summary: AU. Kendall was a dancer when he was a kid, but when his dad unexpectedly passed away, he had to give it up. He becomes a bit of a stoner, and ends up in a little trouble, and his mother decides that she doesn't want her son living that life. So the Knights pick up and move all the way across the country, to L.A. That's where Kendall meets his cousin, Camille, her boyfriend, Logan, the wacky dresser and actor, Carlos, and, among them all, James. James is a ballet dancer with more ambition than Kendall's ever known. Though the two of them do not get along at first, James finally convinces Kendall to use his natural talent, rather than waste it, and they find each other as kindred spirits, and eventually, lovers. This doesn't come without difficulties. With James' ex-partner, Mercedes; the pompous actor-extraordinaire, Jett, and even Kendall's best friend, Joseph (Guitar Dude) getting in the way. But in may not be a person that come between them. It may be the actual thing that brings them together that splits them apart.
Artwork By:thilia
Beta: jblostfan16
Author's Note: This is my bigtimebang. Woo! I had been playing with this idea for awhile when this finally came around and then Cassie convinced me to do it. And it kinda got away from me. Lol! But anyway, I won't ramble. Strap in. It's a long ride.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Summer burst forth with record high temperatures and a bright yellow sun high in the sky. Kendall loved the heat it put in his bones and the streaks of blonde it put in his hair. He and James spent almost all their time outside, cruising the streets or heading down to the beach to surf (Kendall still sucked at it). Joe’s career was starting to pick up, so they were also making plans to travel to his first gig outside the state - some fair in Texas or something.
“We can hit up a waterpark or something too. Think you can nurse another sunburn?”
Kendall grinned. “I tan quickly.”
“Not as well as me.”
“No, not as well as you.”
“I mean, let’s face it, Kendall. You’ve got a hot boyfriend.”
“Yes. I do.”
“And I do too.”
Kendall rolled his eyes. “You’re an idiot.”
“Shut up.”
Kendall’s phone lit up. Come home now!
“Okay, mother’s calling. I gotta go now, babe.”
“Awww, bummer.” James whined. “I guess I should get back to Carlos’ too. I’ve got a lot of stuff to unpack from my dorm room still. All that stuff for three months.”
“You could’ve gone to stay with your mother.”
“I’m fairly sure she’d drive me nuts. Besides, I don’t want to be away from you.” James kissed him softly. “Come back tonight, okay?”
“Okay.”
Kendall walked home with music blaring in his ears. Life was good. He really had no complaints. He was living fairly extravagantly, and he was never bored without a thing to do. Things were just right. He had a great three months of summer sprawled out ahead of him, and he was ready to embrace it all with both hands. He stretched on his way up to the front door, yawning, the heat making him lazy and comfortable.
“Hey,” he greeted as he shut the door behind him, air conditioning making the hairs on his arms stand on end.
“Kendall!” His mom came rushing out of the kitchen, envelope in hand. “Your letter from Julliard came!”
Kendall froze, barely catching his breath. “Wh-what?”
It was weird. He’d forgotten all about it. All the hard work, the frightening audition, and James… he just had pushed the fact that the judges were actually judging him from his mind.
“Well, open it!” Katie prodded, bouncing in her spot. “I was going to, but Mom wouldn’t let me.”
“Open it! Open it!” Camille squealed.
“Okay, okay!” Kendall said, fumbling with the envelope, his heart hammering conga rhythms against his ribs.
He read it aloud, his eyes scanning over the words quickly. “Mr. Knight, thank you for auditioning for the Julliard School for Performing Arts.” He paused, the words dying in his throat.
“Well?”
“…Unfortunately, we are not able to offer you a place in our program at this time. We encourage you to audition for us again in the future…”
He felt the entire room sag around him. And yeah, he was disappointed. Rejection sucked in all ways. But at the same time, he wasn’t taking it quite as hard as he expected.
“Oh…” was all he said.
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry,” his mother said, reaching out to pull him into her arms.
“It’s okay,” Kendall said softly into her hair. “It’s okay.”
“Are you okay?” Camille asked.
Kendall expected it to suck more. He figured everyone else did too. “Well, I mean. It’s a really competitive school. They can’t take everybody. And I didn’t have a lot of experience. I mean, someone like James-“ Kendall paused. “James.”
He took off out the door without another word. He ran as fast as he could down the sidewalks, sweat pouring down the side of his face, his chest hurting at the lack of air. Carlos answered the door when Kendall knocked.
“Hey Kendall-“
“Where’s James?”
“…Up…stairs? Why?”
“Did he get the mail?”
“Yeah, why?”
Kendall pushed past Carlos and booked it up the stairs. He finally reached the room James was staying in, and he nearly ripped the door off its hinges in his haste. James was standing by the window, a silhouette, haloed in the golden light from the sun. He had a letter in his hand, and it was trembling so hard that Kendall could see it from across the room.
“James-“ Kendall breathed out.
When James turned to face him, he had tears on his face. “K-Kendall…”
Kendall couldn’t move. He couldn’t bear to see someone turn James away again. He just couldn’t.
“I got in,” James whimpered.
“What?”
“I GOT IN!” James flew across the room, throwing his arms around his neck. “I got in, Kendall, I got in!”
Kendall couldn’t pinpoint how he felt. Even as he smiled and congratulated him, he felt like he had a pit in his stomach.
James had gotten into Julliard.
In New York.
In New York.
By the end of the summer, James was going to be all the way across the country from him again, in a city that Kendall knew was filled with people that understood James and would give him every reason not to come back. It was a city covered in more culture than winter snow. People of all shapes and sizes walked in and out of those buildings, and all of them had stars in their eyes and passion in their breath. He would be among his people.
Kendall didn’t fit in there. All he had was Joseph, and even he was doing better in the California sun and terracotta rooftops.
James was going to leave.
“That’s so great, James. It’s so great!” Kendall buried his face in James’ neck, squelching down all the sadness that threatened to drown him. “I’m so happy for you.”
James was too excited to even ask Kendall about his own letter, and Kendall was glad he didn’t. When he kissed Kendall and ran out to tell the rest of the world, Kendall stood in James’ room, surrounded by all the things that belonged to him, were parts of him. The past year closed in on him: photos of the two of them, smiling in each other’s arms, kissing under the mistletoe, practicing dance. And there were more of their entire group around dinner tables, playing music, a million different activities. There were ticket stubs and love notes and…
Kendall sat on the bed, dizzy. In a couple of short months, that would all be over. The best year of his life would close, and he’d be right back to square one. James would be off to the big city and out of his life.
He sat on James’ bed for a long time, when finally, there was a soft knock on the door.
“Hey,” Carlos greeted gently, slipping into the room. “You’ve been up here for a while.”
“James got into Julliard.”
“I know. He went to tell everyone. And then he’s gotta make a phone call to his mom…. Are you okay?”
Kendall hunched over his knees, staring at the floor with blurry vision. “Y-yeah. Why wouldn’t I be? This is everything he ever wanted. And I helped him get it. I’m proud.” And he was. Except…
“Yeah, but are you okay with that?”
“What do you mean?”
“Kendall,” Carlos said, sitting on the bed next to him with a sigh. “I’m an actor. I’ve worked really hard to show only the emotions I want on the surface. You don’t think I can’t see when you’re trying to do the same thing? You never did finish that acting class, you know.” After a second, Carlos bowed his head. “You… didn’t get in, did you?”
“No,” Kendall said, his voice hollow and raw. “No, I didn’t.” He swallowed. “And you know what? That’s fine. I don’t deserve to be there. I don’t have the experience or the passion or anything. I’m not like those kids. I’m not like James, but-“
Carlos put a hand on Kendall’s back. “Kendall…”
“I’m going to… miss him.” He rubbed his eyes furiously, but they didn’t stop stinging.
Carlos pulled Kendall over to his shoulder and let him lay there for what seemed to be ages. He didn’t say anything. He just ran his hand up and down Kendall’s arm.
“It’s gonna be okay,” he said finally.
“I don’t want him to go.”
“I know.”
After another long while, Kendall finally left with his tail tucked between his legs. Carlos tried to cheer him up, but there was really nothing he could do. Suddenly the city was dripping with memories of the past year, and every single one of them hurt. He walked slowly and let them all wash over him slowly. And suddenly he was back to the year before, walking down the New York City sidewalks and feeling selfishly upset because he didn’t want to lose something familiar to him.
James would be in New York with Kendall’s dad.
He remembered when his mom told him his dad had passed away. They’d rushed to the hospital after the recital. The police had been waiting at their house. He had been left in the waiting room with Katie in her stroller, completely unsure of what was going on but knowing it was bad. When his mom came back, she was holding herself together by very thin stitches. And he kept asking her what’s wrong, mommy? What’s wrong? She sat him down in a seat and brushed his hair out of his eyes, and she was just… she was crying. He didn’t like seeing his mother cry.
When she told him, his entire world crumbled.
But hey, he had put it back together. He’d done a pretty good job for a kid, he liked to think. Or maybe he hadn’t dealt with it at all. Because it came rushing back to him in a whirlwind and he could hardly keep his head together. When he finally got back home, he stared at it with poison in his eyes, hating everything about it. It had taken him away from his father and given him James, only to have him rudely pulled from his life just when he was starting to get the hang of things. It wasn’t fucking fair.
He wrenched open the door and headed for the stairs, begging to whatever gods were up there to not let anyone stop him.
But clearly none of them where on his side that day.
“Oh, you’re home. Kendall, are you sure you’re alright-“
Kendall whirled on his mom, his heart hurting and blood boiling. “NO! No, mom, I’m not fucking alright. Is that what you want to hear?!”
She blinked a few times, taken aback.
Kendall kept firing. “James got in, Mom. He got in! To a school that I lived near for most of my fucking life! Now he’s going to be there, the one time I’m not! I… I HATE DANCING, mom! I hate it.” The tears started without warning, and Kendall had to hold himself steady against the stair rail, the sobs racking all the way through him. “It just… it keeps taking everyone away. Why does everyone have to go away?!”
He collapsed into his mother’s arms and she lowered him to the floor, holding him as he cried in the lobby of that huge house, knowing that he’d probably gained an audience. But he couldn’t stop. He had fought so hard for James, to make him happy. To make his dreams come true. And those were finally happening and Kendall still didn’t have anything to wish for. Nothing to pine after but the person he was about to let go.
And it wasn’t like he could ask James to stay. He would hate himself forever. He’d be denying the thing that brought them together. The one thing that James put above everything else.
He wasn’t going to put it above Kendall; that was for sure.
He didn’t want him to. Or maybe he did. He just knew he couldn’t have both.
…
“What do you mean they rejected you?”
Kendall was all cried out. He sat on the floor of the studio, hugging his knees to his chest, not looking at James directly, just watching his reaction in the mirror. He didn’t bring his dance shoes. He didn’t come to practice with him. There was no point. He was done.
“I mean that exactly. They didn’t want me.”
“H-how could they not want you?”
“They don’t want lots of people, James.”
“But-but it’s you.”
“I know.” Kendall’s voice was barely above a whisper, exhausted.
“But that means… that means you’re going to be here… and I’m-“
“Yep.”
James ran his hands through his hair. “I can’t go.”
“You have to, James. Not everyone gets into that school. They want you. Don’t ignore that.”
“But what about you?”
“I’ll live.”
“Well are… are you going to audition for them next semester?”
“Nope.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to be a dancer, James,” Kendall sighed. “I’m not going to put myself through that process because I don’t want it.”
James paced around the room. “So you’re just going to give up?”
Kendall shrugged.
“You’re just gonna sit there and let the world go by?”
“I guess so.”
James scoffed. Then, he grabbed Kendall by the arm and wrenched him up from the floor. “KENDALL.”
“What?!” He snapped back, glaring James down. “What do you want from me, James? To lie to you?”
“I want you… I want you to give a shit! I want you to care.”
“I DO CARE,” Kendall yelled, pulling away from James. “Don’t you think that’s why I’m here?! I’m telling you to go, James. This is everything you ever wanted!”
“Not everything,” James replied coldly, looking heartbroken.
“I’m not giving you a choice, James. Don’t stay here. There’s nothing for you here.” Kendall sighed, walking over to the barre and placing his hand on the cold metal. “You have given up everything for your dream. You walked away from your dad and your home and your friends, and you came here and you worked so hard. You know a thing or two about sacrifices, James. You’re not done making them yet. That’s why I’m making this one for you.”
James looked like he was ripping at the seams. “But… But I don’t do distance well.”
“Then break up with me.”
“No!” James shook his head like he was trying to shake the words out of his ears. “No, I can’t! I won’t!”
“Then… then you’re going to have to do distance well. Because that’s all we can do.”
“I don’t… want to be by myself again.”
“Then make friends, James. You’re great. It’s not that hard.”
“I don’t want friends. I want you!”
“Well, you can’t have me. Get over it.” Kendall’s heart cracked at the ferocity in his voice. “You can’t have both, James. I’m sorry. I’m not good enough to get in that school and I don’t want to.”
“But what about our dance, Kendall?”
“It’s not our dance, James. It’s yours. It’s all your vision, all your technique. The only thing in it that belongs to me is half the story.” He ran his hand through James’ bangs comfortingly, like his mother had all those years ago. “You inspire me, James. You make me want to do so many things. But I need to be able to make decisions on my own. I need to find things that I want to love and nurture, not because of the people I’m with but because it’s what I want to do. You’ve had that chance. You found that thing. And you should keep doing that. I’ve got some exploring left to do.” James started to argue, but Kendall slid his hand down to the side of James’ neck. “And you, James? You told me I made you brave. It’s time to be brave by yourself.”
He sighed after a long moment. James pulled away, stomping over to his things and shoving them in his bag, working himself up for a good storm out.
“You know I’m right, James,” Kendall said.
“I wish you weren’t…”
“I’m sorry, James.”
“I know you are. Believe me. I’m really sorry too.” He sniffed, but he didn’t turn to look at Kendall. “What do we do now?”
“We’ve got the summer. Let’s make the best of it.”
And they did. They travelled with their group, and toppled over each other in hotel rooms. They rode scary roller coasters and watched amazing shows from the front row. They danced their own little dance, without technique, without audience. They moved through the days quickly and hoped for them to slow down, just a little.
They didn’t.
The time came.
Kendall stood in the airport with a heavy heart, watching as James gathered his things for the gate. He slid his carryon over his shoulder and exchanged goodbyes with their group. Camille was crying. Logan hugged him tight, patting him on the back. Carlos didn’t want to let go. Joe shook his hand. And then there was Kendall. James withered into Kendall’s arms, fresh tears coming to his eyes, and Kendall couldn’t help himself. He cried too, holding James’ body close to his and knowing that it could be his last chance to, at least for a long time.
When James leaned into his ear and whispered words, they were not the ones he expected. He didn’t say I love you. He didn’t say goodbye.
He said, “Thank you…”
Kendall held on as long as he could, but James had to leave. He had to get on that plane and head off to the big city, where his dreams were waiting.
“Say hi to my dad for me, okay?” Kendall said.
“I will.”
James kissed him hard, pulling Kendall into him again. When he pulled away, he looked a mixture of forlorn and excited.
“It’s gonna be okay, Kendall,” he said softly. Kendall remembered a fever dream, months back, in which his dad said the same thing.
“Go. Go be a star.”
He admired James. James knew what he wanted. He was off to get it. He wasn’t about to stop him. Kendall had no idea what he wanted. Except James. But he could wait. He could wait.
He had to keep telling himself that he could wait.
James had waited years for his chances. Kendall could do the same. It sucked. He’d miss him. But he could take the hurt. James was too important. He loved him too much to keep him from everything he fought for.
Waving goodbye wasn’t any easier. Going home without him wasn’t any easier. But who said life was easy?
He figured that he at least had things to distract him, like chasing his own dream - whatever that turned out to be. He had an endless amount of time ahead of him to figure it out.
And he just had a good feeling in his chest that, even if it took a long time to find it, James would be there at the end of it all, arms wide open. And he’d be successful too, the man his father could never accept but would someday envy. The man that beat the odds. The man that earned his keep. He knew that things weren’t as easy as he wanted. He knew that things were never great forever. But he could see a bright future on the horizon. He just had to reach out and seize it.
He couldn’t wait.