tea lights (5/8)

[gotchick]

(warning: this chapter is nc-17.)

it's in mid-august, some time after the third-years' mock papers have started, that jackson hears a rumour that makes his heart stop for a sickening beat, then start palpitating.

he happens to overhear the gossip while eavesdropping on a conversation between the senior members of the club, some of whom are mark and jaebum's classmates. jinyoung is beside him when jackson hears the words mark's going back to LA, and he instantly swivels his head around with wide eyes to check if his ears were playing tricks on him.

the consternation and chagrin on jinyoung's face makes his heart sink like a stone. he looks concerned as jackson's knees give out beneath him and he sinks feebly into a chair.

"are you okay?" jinyoung asks sympathetically. "look, we might've heard wrongly or misunderstood. i can go ask them if you --"

"forget it," jackson says sharply, cutting jinyoung off midsentence. he tries to keep his face cool as he says flippantly, "he'll tell me himself if he wants to."

jinyoung grudgingly agrees not to push the matter, but that doesn't mean jackson doesn't spend the rest of the afternoon obssessing over it. is this the reason their relationship has cooled down lately? jackson had thought that mark wanted to concentrate on his studies, and he didn't want to be a distraction, so he had contented himself with the occasional text and tried to be patient. but maybe mark had been deliberately trying to distance himself, because he knew he would be leaving soon. maybe this was just a fling to him from the start, a high school romance that would end with the end of his high school life.

jackson can't believe he had been thinking of the word forever.

he feels dumb, naive, like the inexperienced novice at relationships he is. so many things seem to make sense now, the way mark is vague and aloof when jackson has approached him lately, his mind seeming to be somewhere else even when he replies jackson in monosyllables. jackson had tried to keep his enthusiasm unflagging and continued trying to make small talk, but it was difficult and discouraging when mark was so unresponsive.

maybe he had been irritated by jackson getting too clingy and emotionally invested but been too nice to say so. maybe he was regretting. maybe jackson hadn't turned out to be the beautiful person mark thought he was. maybe he's losing interest in him.

jackson feels like he's spiralling down helplessly into a bottomless vortex at this thought, because -- god, jackson is more in love with mark than ever. the word love scares him and he would never, ever say it out loud to mark. after all, what do they know of love? they're only seventeen. but all jackson knows is that he can't go a day without thinking of mark, and it reminds him of something his father once told him when he was young and wanted to give up on fencing because it was too hard. jia-er, he had said wisely, his hand on jackson's shoulder, never give up on the things you can't live a day without.

he comes to his senses to the echoes of the last peals of the bell and the lazy clatter of his classmates filing out of class. jinyoung is waving an insistent palm before his eyes, the mild concern in his eyes now replaced by resolute impatience.

"get up," he orders, clamping his hand around jackson's arm and dragging him to his feet. "we're going to get some answers and you're going to stop walking around like a soulless zombie," he says authoritatively, practically marching jackson out of class and down the stairs.

when jackson sees mark leaning casually against the wall outside his classroom, laughing about something with one of his classmates jackson vaguely identifies as brian and looking like he doesn't have a care in the world, something inside jackson snaps.

"yi-en!" he finds himself hollering, making the students hanging outside the class turn to stare at him. mark's head snaps up at his voice, saucer-eyed and startled. jackson disregards their looks as he strides forward purposefully. mark looks slightly freaked out, taking a stuttering step back as if he's repulsed by jackson.

jackson swallows, his eyes stinging and stops in the middle of the corridor because mark looks like a frightened kitten ready to turn tail and bolt. he halts so abruptly that jinyoung almost bumps into his back. he doesn't think he could bear it if mark backs away from him an inch more.

mark looks around furtively, with that familiar discomfort that enters his eyes whenever jackson uses his chinese name around other people. even now, it still feels like an honour, a thrill to be the only one permitted to address mark like that.

jackson takes a deep breath, the words tumbling out of his mouth with his usual impetuousness, tripping off his tongue too fast. "you're going back to the US?"

he realizes how accusatory he sounds and flushes. mark is staring at him like a deer in headlights, blinking owlishly at jackson's question.

when mark finally opens his mouth to answer, jackson's heart leaps into his throat. "... no?" mark looks confused, and relief floods through jackson.

"thank god," jackson can't help muttering under his breath, forgetting his reserve as he strides towards mark. the people who paused to ogle them scatter, losing interest and brian wanders back into the classroom to let jackson and mark talk.

underneath all the awkwardness and confusion, jackson is surprised that mark looks pleased to see him.

"why do you ask?" he furrows his brow in concern when jackson gets within speaking distance.

jackson blushes, feeling like he just made a fool of himself over nothing. he shrugs, trying to look careless. "i heard a few of the members talking about it in club."

mark takes in his answer, looking pensive. "it's not me who's going back for college. it's jae--"

jinyoung's gasp cuts his word off, and mark abruptly closes his mouth. he turns to jackson in alarm as jinyoung takes off towards the door of his classroom, calling, "jaebum-hyung!" in a shrill voice that makes jackson's hair stand.

"he didn't know?" mark whispers, panicked.

jackson shrugs and shakes his head, and mark slaps his forehead. "damn."

jackson's mind is reeling too at this news, so he can only imagine how jinyoung feels. he's about to turn on his heel to chase after him, worried, when mark grabs his hand.

jackson turns back and looks down at their conjoined hands, confused. mark blushes but doesn't let go.

"let them sort it out themselves," mark says quietly, and jackson is reminded of the day in first year when mark had given him the same advice. that had been the first day he fetched jackson home on his bike. they had been barely more than strangers back then and jackson hadn't known that merely a year later, everything would change so completely.

this time, he obeys without complaint again, not because he owes mark a favour but because he feels unable to look or walk away, caught in the thrall of mark's spell as he gently holds jackson's hand and leads him down the corridor. jackson can't see his face as he is tugged forward by the momentum of mark's long, loose strides, only see his broad shoulders under the uniform, his narrow hips and creased shirttails falling messily out of his navy pants. he's so beautifully boyish, masculine in a way that makes jackson's throat dry up.

if he's being honest, jackson had another reason for chasing after jinyoung besides concern for his friend. he also felt slightly afraid of being alone with mark, after he had been avoiding jackson for weeks. he didn't know how to ask mark why or face the answer.

but now, they are utterly, painfully alone, and mark's undivided attention is focused on jackson as he pulls him into an empty classroom and shuts the door behind them, backing jackson against the closed door.

in the unlit and dusty classroom, mark's eyes are shrouded in the dim afternoon light. he gazes deeply into jackson's eyes, lashes fluttering as his eyelids grow hooded. his eyes smoulder with a heart-stopping want and jackson feels his own lashes fluttering closed too as he tips his face up eagerly, heart hammering. he can feel the light warmth of mark's quickened breaths on his skin.

but even after he waits a few seconds, mark doesn't close the remaining distance between them, or attempt to kiss jackson. jackson blinks dazedly, feeling anticlimactic and embarrassed and rebuffed. had he read the signals wrong?

mark backs away, shoving his hands in his pockets and not meeting jackson's eyes.

"why don't you kiss me?" jackson bursts out. "why are you avoiding me?"

he regrets the questions the moment they are out in the oppressive silence, their echoes sounding whiny and clingy between them.

mark looks stricken as he stares at jackson, stripped and vulnerable.

"i..." he starts, hanging his head, then mumbles, "i didn't know how to say... i'm sorry."

jackson exhales, his limbs growing rubbery with relief. so that was the reason why mark had avoided him? not because he was bored with jackson, or didn't want to see him.

"because of that time... at the locker?" he guesses tentatively, and mark looks contrite.

"that was weeks ago," jackson says gently.

"but still...!" mark sounds tormented. "i shouldn't have done that to you. i'm ashamed. i don't know what came over me and if i'm... worthy of you."

"worthy?" jackson repeats incredulously. "what are you even talking about?"

i'm the one who's unworthy of you.

"i don't want to hurt you," mark says quietly.

"you could never hurt me," jackson replies steadily, taking a bold step closer. mark looks up hesitantly, hopefully.

jackson brushes the satin of mark's cheek with his knuckles. holding his breath, he cups mark's face with his palm.

mark stays still as jackson leans in this time, allowing jackson to kiss him.

in september, jackson delves into his life savings, wanting to spare no costs to splurge on his first birthday present for mark. jinyoung offers to go window shopping with him but jackson doesn't need to browse. he has already had his eye on his ideal present, decided on it the moment he saw it in the glass display case at the jewellery shop. it had just taken him some time to make up his mind on buying because it's one of the most expensive items he's ever bought.

two days before mark's birthday, jackson makes his way to the shopping mall alone after school, his wallet heavy with the money he had packed but his heart light with excitement. mark is going to look so good wearing his gift, jackson thinks gleefully.

when he walks into the jewellery shop, the posh salesgirls discreetly eye his scruffy uniform up and down, but reluctantly oblige when he asks to see the earring. the white-gold of the miniature winnie-the-pooh stud sparkles in the fluorescent lights.

jackson whips out his thick wallet, watching their jaws drop with satisfaction. "i'll take this," he says decisively, feeling certain he's made the right decision as he watches them wrap it up.

on the second day they met, jackson had already noticed that mark had two piercings in his right earlobe, and one on the cartilage. he briefly wonders at how despite being a dyed-in-the-wool nerd, mark actually has many un-nerdlike qualities. jackson chuckles, remembering how he had judged mark as a delinquent on the first day. he couldn't have been more wrong.

during the past two years, jackson had noticed that most of the time he wore one simple stud, a crescent-shaped and star-shaped earring, all silver. technically it's against the dress code of their school for boys to wear jewellery but he had seemed to manage to elude detection and punishment so far.

on the big day, jackson packs the small velvet box into his school bag with care, his heart racing with anticipation. what kind of face will mark make when he sees it? jackson can hardly wait to see his surprised and delighted smile.

the next day isn't a tuesday, but jackson, jinyoung, mark and jaebum have grown used to meeting up during recess to eat as a group. if the cafeteria is too crowded to sit down, they will buy a bunch of buns and snacks and canned drinks from the vending machine and troop down to the courtyard to sit on one of the stone picnic tables. the weather this month is unseasonably pleasant and sometimes bambam, youqian and rongzai join them if they happen to pass by.

however, today, jinyoung disappears with jaebum to the restroom and they don't come back for more than fifteen minutes (which means they have found an empty classroom to make out in, something which has been happening with more frequency since jinyoung found out jaebum is leaving for university in korea). jackson watches mark tearing bites of his bread off with his fingers and tossing them into his mouth absently. his hand slips into his pocket, clammy as he fingers the velvet box shoved deep inside.

jinyoung and jaebum had given mark their gifts earlier, while they were eating. jinyoung had bought mark a thick hardcover encyclopedia entitled "the complete guide to the galaxy", effectively combining his passion for reading and mark's passion for astronomy in one gift. mark looked thrilled as he thumbed through the glossy pages and pored over the colourful illustrations. jaebum had given mark what looked like an old, ratty videotape, but mark practically went into throes of ecstasy when he saw it.

"you found it?!" he gasps in hushed reverence as jackson and jinyoung stared in astonishment. jaebum was nodding enthusiastically, eyes shining with the same manic glint, and jackson and jinyoung knew them well enough by now to know that it was probably some ridiculously obscure and obsolete nasa documentary that they would fall asleep trying to watch.

now, jackson has second thoughts, wondering if mark will like his gift. it's not as meaningful as jaebum's and jinyoung's. if he's being completely honest, it's kind of selfish. jackson just really wants to see mark wearing the earring jackson gave him, every day.

"so..." mark starts, filling the silence which has only been interrupted by jackson's slurping of his banana milk. he brushes the breadcrumbs off his hands carefully. "do you want to come over after school?"

jackson raises his head to study mark. mark's eyes are downcast as he stares at the scarred granite of the table, but his ears are mauve. for them, "come over after school" has become code for going to either jackson's or mark's house to make out for hours, until the sun is setting in the horizon and they are both dizzy and wrecked, lips puffy and abused. since the locker incident, mark had been careful not to touch jackson within or near the school compound, only holding his hand innocently when they were behind walls or out of sight. but once they got to his house, mark would lose his restraint and inhibitions, hands audaciously roving beneath the hem of jackson's shirt and unbuttoning his uniform buttons with clumsy but deft fingers.

still, mark never lets his hands stray below waist level. the closest he has ever gotten is gripping jackson's hips with tight fingers when jackson had brazenly climbed into his lap one afternoon while kissing and straddled him. mark's hands settled on jackson's hips, feeling like they fit there, and he shifted jackson's position a little. a groan jackson had never heard before slipped from his lips when jackson applied his weight and he felt the sound shoot straight to his groin thrillingly.

when jackson's hands wandered towards the zipper of mark's uniform pants, mark had caught them in a strong grip. "no," he said firmly and distinctly, even though his eyes were glazed over and he was panting like he had just run a marathon. he dislodged jackson from his lap, climbing off his bed abruptly and running a shaky hand through his disheveled hair.

jackson whined petulantly, but he said softly, "i'm not going to touch you until we're both eighteen."

jackson doesn't think any of his birthdays has ever felt so excruciatingly far away.

till then, all he can content himself with are his fantasies and memories of mark's lips against his, demanding and insistent and yet pliant and giving at the same time. jackson could come just from the feeling of mark's lips and the increasingly erotic dreams that continue haunting him at night as time passes.

amusingly but unsurprisingly, mark was a hit with jackson's mother. she immediately adored him from the first day he came to jackson's house, scuffy and shy and stammering. much to jackson's humiliation, she likes to sit mark down at the dining table and ply him with inquisitive questions about himself as well as embarrassing stories and facts about jackson, like the batman costume he liked to wear when he was little.

mark smirked at jackson when she wasn't looking while listening to her telling that story. later in the safety of his bedroom, jackson bit his lip for revenge but mark only vibrated with laughter beneath him, his deep voice rumbling from his chest into jackson's torso as he lay on top of mark in his bed, legs sprawled awkwardly over mark's lower body as he pinned mark down with his weight.

mark still refused to touch him below the belt but sometimes he accidentally on purpose pushed his knee between jackson's legs and jackson would pant and grind his crotch against it like a starving dog with a bone.

it was incomprehensible how jackson's mum never noticed how charged the air was, the electric tension crackling between them as they sat opposite each other at the dining table, munching on her homemade cookies and milk like good boys while playing footsie under the table with their socked feet. the way mark looked at jackson -- insolent, adoring -- made jackson think of a term he had overheard bomi and jimin giggling about scandalously in class: eye-fucking.

jackson blinks back to the present, seeing the anxiousness scrawled across mark's face as if he thinks that there's even a chance jackson will rebuff him on his birthday. his chest clenches with a pang as he hurriedly reassures mark, "of course." mark's face lights up in relief and eagerness and he bravely takes jackson's hand on the table, stroking his thumb over it with a caress so silky jackson is unable to think straight.

when jackson eases his hand out of mark's grasp, he looks confused and slightly hurt. but jackson knows that there's no opportunity like the present, and takes a deep breath, reaching into his pocket to pull out the little box.

mark's eyes widen when he sees it, darting questioningly towards jackson's.

jackson blushes self-consciously. "happy birthday," he mumbles, pushing the box over.

"jia-er!" mark says reproachfully. "this looks expensive. you shouldn't have!"

"just open it," jackson urges, avoiding his statement. he watches with bated breath as mark clumsily pops open the box and gasps.

mark stares up at him in disbelief. "how much did you spend on this?" he demands, trying to sound stern, but he can't contain the grin wreathing his face or disguise the sheer happiness in his eyes.

"not more than you deserve," jackson says quietly, and feels a rush of warmth at the way mark's face colours with shy pleasure.

"thank you," mark says simply, eyes holding his. "i love it." jackson can sense the depth of his gratitude and how moved he is from the way he accepts the present meekly without berating jackson for overspending.

"shall i put it on for you?" jackson offers, and mark smiles. "sure."

there's something incredibly intimate and sensual about unclasping the stud from mark's earlobe, leaving the moon and star there. mark shivers at jackson's touch, the tips of his ears pinkening adorably. jackson resists the impulse to stroke his fingertip over the shell of his ear. unsuccessfully.

jackson carefully takes out the pooh earring from the box and slides the stick into mark's ear, securing it. "does it hurt?" he asks mark gently, but he shakes his head no and smiles reassuringly.

"does it look good?" he tilts his head up to ask jackson eagerly after jackson drops his hands. jackson nods and smiles, but mark pouts.

"i really want to see it."

"let's take a selca then," jackson suggests, and mark brightens at the idea. he fishes his ipod out of his pocket. jackson knows firsthand that the wallpaper is still their selca from the second day they met. maybe mark will finally change it now. they had taken countless selcas together since, jackson getting mark hooked on his favourite narcissistic habit, but mark had never changed the wallpaper, seeming attached to that picture.

mark tries to shrink to the back again, but jackson pulls him insistently to the front. "you won't be able to see the earring," he warns, and mark reluctantly lets jackson move to the background.

the selca turns out perfect, mark with his ear facing the camera, the noontime sun glinting off the gold, his face facing jackson who is looking at the camera. when jackson sees the selca, the lovestruck expression on mark's face makes him blush like a schoolgirl.

mark seems to notice, grabbing his hand without warning and impulsively brushing his lips across jackson's knuckles. "i love you," he blurts out, the words leaving his mouth so naturally and unassumingly that jackson doesn't even realize what he's said, until a moment later.

"you what?" he rasps hoarsely, gaping at mark who looks like he wishes a hole would open up in the ground and swallow him up.

jackson takes mark's chin with his fingers and tips his face up to make mark look into his eyes.

"can you say that again?" he whispers pleadingly.

mark shakes his head mutely, looking terrified and panicked and absurdly crimson. jackson takes pity on him and lets the issue rest, even though he really wants to hear the words again. he knows he's not being fair. mark has already said it first, said it once. it's jackson's turn now.

but the words are harder than he expected to spit out. instead, he lamely and wordlessly reaches for mark's hand and weaves their fingers together. i love you too, yi-en.

later that night, as jackson is drifting off to sleep, he receives a message. his sleepy eyes instantly snap wide open to see another selca from mark, looking adorably dishevelled lying in bed, his hair a halo around his head. his eyes are drowsy and half-lidded and his face is angled so the earring is visible. can't stop admiring it, the message reads simply.

jackson bites his lip to stifle his dorky grin and hastily opens his phone camera, tidying his appearance up a little before snapping a quick selca too. stunning, he types, a word he would never be able to say out loud in a million years in real life, and quickly sends the message off before he can regret it.

a minute later he laughs out loud when he realizes that mark might interpret his message as describing his own selca, considering jackson's narcissism. a few times mark had teasingly called him zi lian kuang, literally narcissist, and the nickname had stuck with jinyoung and jaebum adopting it too.

mark doesn't reply, so jackson drools over his selca for awhile more, having the sinking but exhilarating feeling that he won't be getting much sleep tonight. he resists the overpowering urge to shove his hand into his pants looking at mark's photo with his pale delicate collarbones peeking out of the gaping neckline of his sweatshirt, his cut-glass clavicles visible. if jackson stooped to desecrating a sacred photograph like that, it would be a new low for him.

his phone vibrates, startling jackson out of his musings. he nearly leaps out of his skin to see the newest selca mark has sent him -- a close up of his pretty pink lips, puckered up into a virtual kiss. jackson curses. how is he supposed to sleep after this?

jackson pounds out a bunch of profanities into the phone, then takes a bracing breath and backspaces all of them. it's still mark's birthday, after all. instead, he pretends to ignore the picture, tacking on a few sickly sweet emoticons at the end of his reply: don't take it off.

he wonders what mark will reply, imagining his reaction, and laughs out loud when his phone vibrates almost instantly. i'll wear it. always.

jackson throws himself back onto his bed with a flump, heart racing. miles away but still under the same sky, mark is probably thinking of him too right now. jackson thinks of how sending each other selcas has become one of their inside jokes, their traditions, like detention and eating ice cream and of course, going home on mark's bicycle. these mundane things that only have meaning to them, secretive and significant, make him feel giddily happy and warm.

his phone startles him by buzzing again. it seems mark is finding it hard to sleep too. jackson wonders if it has anything to do with him. maybe he shouldn't have bitten his lip quite so suggestively in his selca.

why winnie-the-pooh, though? mark's message reads briefly.

jackson muffles a laugh with the back of his hand.

because mark + winnie-the-pooh = markiepoo, he texts back, then groans and tosses his phone to the side, finally giving up on resisting his torturous urges.

after the locker incident, jackson had been afraid of returning to school the next day, worried about the extent the rumour would have spread. thankfully when he arrived, he realized that the damage had been reasonably contained, only a handful of people, mostly the ones who had witnessed it personally and the friends they had told, seeming to know.

what he felt most awkward about was that even though most of the witnesses had been strangers, a few were senior teammates from his fencing club, casual buddies that jackson had sparred with in a few friendly matches and looked up to.

but the next time he attends fencing practice at the communal dojo, he's not sure if it's his overactive imagination or they seem to be avoiding him subtly.

jackson tries not to feel lonely and left out as he absently strips off his perspiration-soaked shirt in the boys' changing room after practice. all the guys had already paired up today and he was left as the odd one out, ending up pairing up again with hani, which he didn't mind since she was as skilled as any of the boys anyway.

a few of the guys walk in, chattering and laughing, and jackson looks up with a bright smile, raising his hand in greeting. his cheerful hi trails off in uncertainty as the guys' face stiffen and they fall abruptly silent, looking uncomfortable and awkward. jackson blinks in confusion and watches them drift to their lockers and take out their clothes to shower, seeming to make a big show out of studiedly not looking at jackson's bare torso.

jackson quickly pulls his shirt on, feeling absurdly like he's indecently dressed. which is preposterous considering that all the guys in the club parade around each other literally naked all the time without blinking an eye.

the guys keep their silence up all the way until they troop to the communal showers, and jackson fishes his clean clothes and towel from his locker, following them hesitantly after a beat.

he hears the guys joking and horsing around rowdily again under the loud rush of the shower, and smiles, shaking his head. he must have been thinking too much and been too sensitive, imagining the momentary awkwardness.

but when jackson steps into the row of showers, his shirt off again and towel draped around his waist, the same pindrop silence plunges again and the other members seem to freeze up. they look abjectly uncomfortable, some turning away to face the wall and others hastily washing the soap off their bodies and pulling on their clothes even before drying themselves off properly.

jackson pretends not to notice, shuffling to a corner shower and quickly and quietly finishing his shower, then leaves.

as he trudges to the bus stop alone, jackson feels his heart growing heavy and sinking. it wasn't like the guys had said anything mean to him. they were nice people who would never deliberately hurt somebody else. but they just couldn't help feeling obviously awkward around him, due to what they had seen him doing. if he puts himself in their shoes, jackson can understand their feelings of confusion a little and doesn't blame them.

whatever he does, the only thing jackson knows for certain is that he can't let mark know about any of today's happenings. firstly, he has enough on his plate with cramming for exams, and secondly, mark would be furious. irate. he would be shaking with anger at how his teammates had distanced jackson.

however, jackson can't help feeling mildly depressed and the need to vent to someone about it. so on the bus, he takes out his phone and briefly texts jinyoung a summary of what happened.

jinyoung replies, sounding concerned and outraged and indignant for jackson. "what pricks," he seethes. "do you want me to give them a piece of my mind?"

"no!" jackson quickly replies anxiously, feeling much more comforted and less alone by jinyoung's passionate support and loyalty. "please don't tell anyone. i just want to forget it."

like the good and honourable friend he is, jinyoung keeps his promise. but inevitably, mark finds out anyway a couple of weeks later when he finds jackson at the individual dojo and frowns, asking, "don't you usually attend the club every other week?"

jackson swallows and makes up some flimsy excuse, but mark doesn't look convinced. he accompanies jackson for the rest of practice and doesn't bring up the subject anymore, though, so jackson is relieved that he doesn't seem to sense anything amiss.

but the next thursday, jackson ambles to the individual dojo again and is surprised to see a note tacked to the door. he tears it off. it's signed from the rest of the guys, and reads, come back to group practice, jackson! we miss you.

jackson feels a lump in his throat and a stinging in his eyes. he is half-smiling, half-sniffling as he pockets the note and takes big strides towards the common dojo, his excitement building. he had missed his teammates too, more than he realized. it's a big relief to know that the awkwardness has dissipated and they can go back to their easy banter.

when he arrives at the dojo, a few of the girls jump on him with gleeful squeals. "jackson-ah, where have you been?" they complain, and jackson laughs. he had nearly forgotten how popular he was with the female members of the club. the guys who had been in the changing room with him that day hang back, looking sheepish and apologetic, but the old friendly warmth is restored in their eyes and their smiles are natural and not forced. a few of them clamour to pair up with jackson when the coach asks them to pick sparring partners, and jackson chuckles. everything is back to normal.

after practice, hani corners him and hisses, "you know what happened just now, before you got here? that guy... your friend who's a senior too... he came into the club looking super pasty and sweating. we thought he was going to have a panic attack, but then he went in this fierce voice, anyone dares to mess with jackson wang, you'll have to answer to me. he was glaring at some of the guys and for awhile we were worried a fight was going to break out. did something happen?"

another of the girls, sunmi, overhears their conversation and drifts over, bobbing her head profusely in agreement. "he was so hot!" she gushes dreamily. "jackson, do you know if he has a girlfriend?"

jackson takes in the information and processes it, shell-shocked. so mark had found out after all. he had come here on his own to restore jackson's dignity, to fight for his rights despite how daunted he was. jackson feels a painful warmth swell in his heart and overflow.

"he's my boyfriend," he replies loudly, loud enough for the guys who are hanging nearby to hear. they look up, and jackson stares straight into their eyes this time, defiantly without hanging his head. he is gratified and appeased to see no hint of awkwardness in their amiable and accepting gazes now. sunmi's mouth drops open, but jackson thinks he sees a glint of pride and encouraging support in hani's smiling eyes.

"i swear, all the cute ones are gay!" he hears sunmi whining bitterly and hani disguising a laugh as a cough as she comforts her placatingly, but jackson doesn't stay to hear the rest of the conversation.

he realizes that he doesn't care about anything right now except seeing mark. mark, his personal angel, his protector, his knight in shining armour. jackson has never loved anyone more in his life than right now.

when he reaches mark's classroom he spots him sitting alone at his desk in the empty class, staring out of the window with his back facing jackson. mark seems to be trying to decide something, looking conflicted as he fidgets with his phone nervously, then eventually seems to go for it and start typing something. he squares his shoulders and presses send, and jackson feels his phone vibrating in his pocket.

when he takes it out and opens the message, it reads, i have to stay back in school to do some work. need a ride after practice?

jackson smiles through the film of moisture blurring his eyes, the movement making the droplets spill over and down his cheeks. he dashes an arm across his eyes carelessly and takes a shaky breath, walking in.

"we're leaving the club in your hands, then," jaebum says momentously, a suspicious glimmer in his eyes as he carefully passes the thick folder of members' particulars and the notes of all the meetings and discussions they've ever had into jinyoung's respectful hands. mark stands beside him, looking pensive and thoughtful but his eyes glint with reassuring calm when jackson shoots him a look.

jinyoung nods solemnly. "leave it to us and don't worry," he says stoutly, patting his chest with confidence. "we'll make sure the club prospers and do you proud."

jaebum cracks a watery smile and takes off his glasses, wiping his eyes. jinyoung moves closer to wind a gentle arm around his shoulder, and mark and jackson instinctively fall back to give them privacy.

jackson looks around the club, feeling mark's silent but warm presence hovering at his elbow. every corner holds memories for him, every nook and cranny of this seemingly unremarkable class. that was the desk he had perched on while playing the eraser game with jinyoung, cutting the erasers into tiny pieces and trying to flick and throw them at mark and jaebum, laughing and high-fiving each other when they yelped.

that was the chair he was sitting on the first time bambam had managed to get tzuyu to smile, with a cringingly and unrepeatably cheesy astronomy-related pick-up line. when jackson had asked bambam where he had found something so gross later, bambam just said mysteriously, you can find all sorts of things on google.

that was the aged, untuned piano on which rongzai had played chopin waltzes and the self-composed sonatas youqian had inspired him to write, quietly humming the melodies as rongzai transcribed them into hastily scrawled musical notes on manuscript paper.

here was the very spot that jackson had been standing another tuesday afternoon when rongzai began playing an astonishingly haunting and beautiful interpretation of yiruma's kiss the rain, making all the members stop in the middle of whatever they were doing to appreciate the sheer magic of the music for a few minutes.

jackson had turned in mark's direction, his eyes seeking him out instinctively. but when he turned, mark was already looking at him, tears trembling in his eyes, such an expanse of longing in his smile that it took jackson's breath away.

that was the blackboard where he had approached mark after that lecture on extraterrestrial life he gave, before everything began. on that day, mark had said reproachfully, don't scare me like that, but now jackson knows that what he had really been thinking was, he's just one kiss away.

jackson feels the sudden, overwhelming longing to return to those halcyon salad days when the two of them had been falling for each other, but were too young to know it yet. but then he looks at mark, his dear face, the curve of his smile jackson has now mapped against his own lips, and thinks, nah. he wouldn't exchange the present for anything in the world.

and this, here, was the place where they had forged friendships that would last a lifetime, and spent the last two unforgettable years.

this classroom is like a treasure trove of memories, a photograph album drenched in sepia sunshine. jackson glances over at mark, and sees the same bittersweet thoughts in his soft eyes.

a year ago, jackson had thought that he might be developing an interest in astronomy.

he knows so now.

because for him, the astronomy club has become so much more than an extra-curricular activity. it has come to symbolize friendship, becoming inextricably tangled with romance and all the other members, of different ages and ethnicities but sharing the same warm-heartedness and passion about stars. like the stars sprinkled across the night sky, they only emitted a weak light on their own, but together, their combined light was enough to illuminate the entire world.

from something that he had participated in halfheartedly, tuesdays at the club have become an essential part of his week now. he can no longer imagine his life without them. it would be much duller, he guesses. much less happier, definitely.

if he hadn't met jinyoung who asked jackson to accompany him to the club, would he still have met mark?

almost certainly, jackson thinks. maybe they would've met in detention, and he would be that annoying xuedi who kept disturbing mark by passing him paper notes. or maybe they would've met on the bus when mark's bicycle broke down, jackson falling ungracefully into mark's lap when the bus braked suddenly. or maybe they would've met at the ice cream truck, jackson greedily ordering two scoops before finding out that he didn't have enough money. mark would've laughed and paid for him generously.

or maybe they would've just been two schoolmates, strangers who bypassed each other along the anonymous school corridors countless times until they heard snatches about each other through the grapevine, finding out each other's names. but even then, jackson is sure that there would still be that flicker, that spark between them that lit up mark's eyes like a shooting star every time their gazes touched. it was a bone-deep recognition, a sense of familiarity like deja vu from a past life. there's something so unaccountably safe and comforting about being near mark. like coming home, at last.

later, they take the train home again, leaving mark's bicycle shackled up at school. this time, mark is the one who falls asleep on jackson's shoulder.

jackson smiles affectionately and pulls mark's head down gently to rest in the hollow between his jaw and shoulder, and tries to hold still. he must be tired out from how hard he's been studying. the even, regular push-pull of mark's breaths soft and warm against his skin is a lullaby that jackson cannot resist.

when he startles awake to the disembodied announcer's voice, it's the end of the line. mark is awake and smiling at him sleepily, looking as calm and steady as he had a year ago, as if nothing in the world could daunt him.

as they step out of the closed station, mark takes his hand carefully.

"can i spend the night at yours?" he peeks up through his eyelashes shyly, and jackson laughs and nods, hailing a taxi.

mark and jaebum graduate in november, and jackson and jinyoung attend their graduation ceremony sitting in the audience with the other students and watching mark and jaebum awkwardly cross the stage in hat and robes, receiving their high school diploma and shaking hands with the principal.

jinyoung wipes a stray tear of pride and happiness from his eyes and cheers jaebum's korean name so loudly that his voice cracks and grows hoarse. jaebum is smiling so hugely they can see the happy crescents of his eyes from the audience, not looking the least bit embarrassed by jinyoung's disgraceful behavior at all. jackson figures that must be true love.

later, after mark and jaebum are ambushed by their doting parents and have snapped about fifty photos each with their families, they finally manage to extricate themselves and return to jackson and jinyoung who are hovering at the edge of the crowd.

jinyoung promptly links his arm into the crook of jaebum's, chattering a mile a minute while jackson and mark hang back, more reserved.

jackson hungrily drinks mark in. mark looks strikingly handsome in his graduation robes, even with the ridiculous hat on his head. he clutches the tube containing his certificate, looking pleased and relieved and ready to leave high school life behind. jackson feels a pang of envy, a pang of worry. does the things that mark plans to leave behind include him?

but then mark's mother rushes up, her digital camera poised and ready. "jackson, thanks for coming!" she gushes. "can you let auntie take a photograph of both of you?"

"sure, auntie," jackson flashes his teeth in an angelic smile that makes mark stifle an amused snort. jackson elbows him but as mrs tuan clicks the shutter, he is surprised by mark boldly pulling him into a sideways hug with his arm draped proprietarily around jackson's shoulder, strong and firm, anchoring jackson in the crook of his arm, flashing the peace sign with his other hand.

mark's mother coos over the photograph. "perfect!" she pronounces. mark smirks at jackson impishly and doesn't release him from the armlock until his mother leaves.

at the end of jackson and jinyoung's second year, they join mark and jaebum on their graduation road trip. jaebum firmly believes that the best place to admire the stars is not an enclosed planetarium or conservatory, but a wide open expanse of land like the beach.

the stars are different at the seaside than the city, he explains to them dreamily. the air is less polluted, so you can see them clearly.

so they rent a battered secondhand honda civic, pack their overnight duffels, and pile in, heading for kaohsiung and stopping by along the way in danshui. on the ride there, they listen to bruce springsteen and the backstreet boys. jinyoung and jackson warble along to the classic songs they grew up listening to and jaebum gamely obliges when jinyoung persuades him to sing. his singing voice surprises them all by being remarkably melodic. jackson tries to coax mark to sing along too but he declines, laughing at them.

when they eventually arrive at their final destination after nearly five hours of driving with mark and jaebum taking turns, they take two rooms at a chalet to spend the night. four would have been more comfortable and spacious, but unfortunately they are on a budget and the rooms are expensive.

that night, kept awake by the sounds of creaking springs and the headboard banging against the wall, jinyoung's pleasured moans and jaebum's low groans one thin wall away, they eventually give up on sleeping. mark throws open the french doors at the rear of their room that lead onto a wraparound porch that opens straight onto the beach. their feet creak over the water-aged wooden floorboards, sand getting into jackson's flip-flops and between his toes.

mark grabs his hand as he misses a step on the short staircase down from the porch in the dark. he doesn't let go even when they're strolling leisurely down the moonlit beach, jackson stifling a yawn.

they had purchased a six-pack of beer at the convenience store after dinner with mark and jaebum's new IDs, and jinyoung and jaebum had drunk most of it. jackson and mark felt like they should stop them, but they couldn't bear to take even the right to drown their sorrows away from their friends who they knew were facing impending separation.

on the way back to the chalet, jinyoung and jaebum had seemed to lose all their inhibitions, not even caring about jackson and mark's presence as they started making out with an urgency that was painful to witness. jackson understands jinyoung's feelings from what he had confided in him lately, the helplessness and frustration of knowing they are subsisting on borrowed time.

the first day that jinyoung had found out jaebum would be going back to seoul for university, the day jackson had thought mark was the one going to study abroad, he had taken the news badly. they had had a huge, ugly row in jaebum's class, in plain sight of all his classmates, which pretty much meant that jinyoung and jaebum's relationship was no longer a secret too.

but jaebum hadn't seemed to care about anybody else's glances as he pounded the corridor, chasing jinyoung up the staircase and back to jackson and jinyoung's class, pleading with him to give him a chance to explain.

when jinyoung finally agreed to hear him out, jaebum explained to them that his family was moving back to korea because of his father's job, but he had personally decided to go back too because the astrophysics program at seoul university was one of the best in the world. it was an opportunity he couldn't miss out on. he hadn't told jinyoung yet because he was wondering how and couldn't bear to break it to him, but he hadn't expected mark to unintentionally leak the news first.

hearing this, jinyoung had eventually softened. he knew how passionate jaebum was about astronomy and couldn't expect him to give up his future for jinyoung. so jinyoung had told jaebum to go ahead and pursue his dreams and not worry about him because he would always be behind jaebum, following his footsteps and trying tirelessly to catch up and he would never give up. moved to tears, jaebum had promised to return after university and asked jinyoung if he would wait for him.

his face crumpled when jinyoung replied no, looking positively crushed. but jinyoung smiled through his tears and said, no, hyung, wait for me. i'll join you there in a year's time.

so jackson wasn't surprised when jinyoung and jaebum stopped staggering drunkenly on the way back to the chalet and started kissing passionately on the street, sucking each other's faces and clawing at each other's clothes like they had something to prove, like they were making up for time not yet lost.

mark had turned away, looking embarrassed. jackson felt the air between them grow a few degrees hotter too, not accustomed to public displays of affection from their two usually placid friends. but they had loyally helped the intoxicated and weaving couple back to their bedroom, dumped them inside and locked the door behind them before they heaved a sigh of relief and returned to their own room. only to be rudely disturbed by the aforementioned graphic sounds minutes later.

after walking a distance down the shoreline, the waves lapping gently at their feet, jackson's legs start to feel tired. he's still pleasantly buzzed and tipsy from the alcohol, even though he hadn't drank much. it was his first time drinking a whole can of beer by himself.

mark seems to be intending to head for the pier in the distance, but when he senses that jackson is tired, he immediately asks him solicitously if he wants to rest.

"no, it's okay!" jackson says quickly. "i can rest when we get there." but mark insists that they sit down on the sand and catch their breath before they continue walking.

he settles down, dragging jackson with him onto the soft, cool sand. the silvery grains glow iridescent in the effervescent moonlight, glittering like mark's eyes in the dark.

"jia-er," he murmurs, rolling onto his side to face jackson. jackson turns to find mark's mouth just a breath away, and it's the easiest thing in the world to seal their mouths over their already intermingling breaths. mark tastes sweet and bitter, like the cheap alcohol they just drank and jackson thinks he has never tasted anything better.

soon, they are making out on the sand with just as much vigour and hot-blooded intensity as jinyoung and jaebum earlier. loosened by the alcohol, mark seems to have no more hard limits, rutching up jackson's shirt and sliding his hand over the smooth plane of jackson's stomach, tugging at the faint growth of hair leading down to his fly with his fingers. jackson inhales sharply and grinds his crotch frustratedly against mark's thigh, seeking much needed friction.

his movements are jerky and clumsy with alcohol, and jackson realizes he's practically humping mark's thigh but seems to have lost even the decency to feel embarrassed. mark lets out a low groan and a muffled curse, seeming to lose control too as he grabs jackson's hips and rolls him onto his back. jackson feels mark's strong hands spreading his thighs apart and settling heavily between them, the weight of his lower body pinning jackson to the sand.

he can feel something hard and pulsing between them, unmistakably an erection -- and it's not his. mark is as hard as he is in any of jackson's erotic fantasies and the ridge of his dick presses against jackson's stomach, brushing against his own aching cock as mark shifts lower, then digging into jackson's thigh. jackson lets slip a loud, wanton moan. mark instantly covers his mouth with his own, muffling him, his lips moving sloppily against jackson's as he ruts against jackson's clothed cock with shallow, dry thrusts. jackson feels the impact reverberate through his body with every roll of mark's hips as he fucks jackson into the sand.

mark's rhythm intensifies to a punshing pace and jackson feels him quickening, before coming with a shudder that wracks his whole body. jackson feels a familiar heat spreading through his groin too, and the wet stickiness of relief dampening his underwear.

he's probably drunk -- he hasn't been drunk before so he doesn't know the symptoms but his head is spinning and his brain swimming. mark seems drunker than he looks too. jackson can't believe what they just did. their laboured breathing sounds dreadfully deafening in the midnight hush. mark tears his lips away from jackson's mouth, their slick pink lustre making jackson's cock twitch in his pants again with an insatiable hunger.

mark is blinking slowly, shaking his head and seeming unable to formulate a full sentence. either the alcohol has just hit him, or he's pretending to be drunk because he doesn't want to face up to what they just did. either way, jackson doesn't regret it.

mark clumsily clambers out from between his legs, over his thigh, and rolls onto his back on the sand beside jackson. "jia-er --" mark starts, but jackson doesn't hear the rest of what he says because his heavy eyelids have given in to the pull of gravity.

when jackson wakes up, the sun is a cracked-open egg yolk on the horizon spilling rose pink and orange over the clouds and his head is pillowed on mark's bicep.

when he turns to look up, confused, their lips are a hair's breadth away again and the events of the previous night abruptly flood back to him.

jackson feels his face turning the colour of the sunrise as he jerks up into a sitting position.

"what's wrong?" mark asks, pushing himself up on his elbows too and creasing his brow in concern.

"you -- i --" jackson stammers.

mark sighs, sounding long-suffering. "jia-er," he says patiently. "can we just... skip the awkwardness for once?"

"what?" jackson croaks.

even though mark said that, his cheekbones are dusted faintly pink. or maybe it's just the sunrise reflected on his face.

mark answers slowly, "i don't know... every time after we kiss or do intimate stuff, we wind up being awkward and avoiding each other for some time after that. can we just... skip over that part this time?"

"skip over?" jackson repeats incredulously. he doesn't know what mark is getting at. it's not like awkwardness is something one can choose not to feel.

but then... jackson catches sight of mark's smile, tranquil and composed despite the nervous flicker in his eyes, and thinks twice.

maybe it is that easy. as easy as deciding that this time, he won't feel awkward or embarrassed about anything they did, and as if by magic, jackson feels his awkwardness and humiliation ebbing away.

mark looks surprised when jackson reclines gingerly on the sand again, resting his head on mark's arm. but he shifts to make jackson more comfortable, stroking his hair soothingly and looking pleased.

"you're really different," jackson remarks, studying him closely.

mark frowns in confusion. "what?"

"since you turned eighteen," jackson clarifies. "you seem more... mature."

mark's lip twitches, an eyebrow rising lazily. "you think i'm mature?" there's a teasing, flirtatious note in his voice. jackson can't believe excruciatingly, agonizingly shy mark tuan is hitting on him.

"don't flatter yourself." he hits mark lightly, hoping it isn't obvious how attractive he finds mark's smirk.

mark laughs, curling his hand around jackson's shoulder and pulling him back into the crook of his arm. he cradles jackson in his arms as they watch the sun rising to its final position in the sky, which has lightened to the blue of robins' eggs, a few cumulus clouds drifting indolently across.

"so..." jackson says conversationally, realizing it with a start. "we never made it to the pier."

mark's chest rumbles with laughter under his ear. "it's okay," he says softly. "we still have tonight."

true to his word, they make it to the end of the pier that night, this time feeling less inebriated and able to appreciate the beauty of the unpolluted sky. the stars really do look much brighter out here, jackson thinks as he settles down beside mark with a contented sigh at the end of the deserted pier.

mark has brought a blanket this time to lay down on the grimy and hard concrete, and another warm fleece coverlet, knowing from the night before that the temperature would drop. when they start kissing later, jackson is more gutsy, emboldened by how far mark had let him get the night before as his hand wanders up mark's shirt, then down north.

mark stops jackson when he starts fumbling with his belt buckle, with a gentle but firm hand.

"why?" jackson groans in frustration. "i know you want it too." he trails his fingers over the sliver of skin between mark's belt and the hem of his shirt, and hears mark try to get his breathing under control.

"i do," mark doesn't deny it. "but i told you i'm not going to lay a finger on you until you turn eighteen."

"why?!" jackson repeats petulantly, like a spoilt child.

mark smiles, his voice husky. "because you're the most important person in the world to me, and i don't want to do anything to hurt you."

the words silence jackson, and he turns to see the starlight dancing along mark's sincere pupils, stealing his breath away.

for the rest of the night, they do what they drove all the way to kaohsiung to -- mark points out the constellations to jackson, teaching him how to recognize them and pick them out of the multitude of stars. ursa minor, dorado and beijixing -- polaris. and orion's belt, an asterism of the constellation of orion.

gradually, the topic drifts to the future.

"what are you going to study in university?" jackson asks curiously. he had wondered what major and minor mark would choose.

mark hums thoughtfully, pillowing his hands behind his head.

"in my ideal world, i would major in astrophysics. but there are few opportunities for a practical career in that field."

"you're not going to give up on astronomy, are you...?"

"of course not. it'll always be my most beloved hobby."

"but...?"

"but... there are things i want to work for. practical things. like an apartment. i want to move out and live alone."

"why do you want an apartment?"

"... because i want to live with you, as soon as possible."

"..."

"... only if you're willing, that is..."

"i..."

"would you like to live together... after you graduate?"

"... i would like that more than anything in the world."

the three of them meet at the airport on a gusty day in december to send jaebum off. as they stand in the viewing gallery and watch the planes take off and land against the backdrop of the dappled grey sky, jackson remembers the paper airplanes they had folded just a little more than a year ago, not knowing that so soon one of them would be boarding a real one.

that rooftop, that club room; those spaces had seemed so self-contained, a tiny universe upon themselves that they never expected they would have to leave someday. like jaebum's galaxy model, an entire world contained within a small space. but they should've known that their dreams would scatter them apart someday, take them away to bigger, different worlds.

all of a sudden, jaebum turns to face jinyoung without warning, getting down on one knee.

"what are you doing?" jinyoung hisses, glancing around anxiously at the stares they are attracting.

jaebum doesn't seem to notice or care, instead taking jinyoung's hand and sliding a silver band he produces from his pocket onto jinyoung's ring finger.

jinyoung brings his hand to his mouth, choking back a gasp.

"can i tell you a story?" jaebum starts quietly. "six years ago, i was a first year in junior high. i was a transfer student from korea, a foreigner in a country far away from home. i wore nerdy glasses, spoke terrible chinese, and was painfully shy. all i cared about was astronomy.

i felt lonely, hopeless and depressed. i was homesick. i thought i would never be happy in taiwan.

but then, in my second year, another korean student entered the school. a first year. at first, he attracted my attention because he was the only other korean and foreign student in the school. but for the subsequent five years, i couldn't look away from him for a single second because he shone so brightly that i couldn't see anything else.

he motivated me to study harder, to practice my chinese to perfection. everything i did was in the hope that he would notice me -- scoring top grades, campaigning to be head prefect.

but when he finally did, it was four years later, in my second year of senior high. he walked into the astronomy club where i was vice-president, and it was all i could do to pretend not to know him, all i could do not to say..."

jaebum pauses, rising to his full height and gazing deeply into jinyoung's eyes. he says tenderly, "i don't know what we can be in the future... boyfriends? husbands...? the only thing i know for sure is that i want to be together. jinyoung-ah, will you be mine, forever?"

"yes! oh my god, yes," jinyoung is sobbing, tears flowing unchecked down his cheeks. he flings his arms around jaebum, who looks unable to believe his good luck, his eyes smiling shut. the crowd around them seems unsure whether to look scandalized or burst into applause.

in the end, they settle for the latter.

the last boarding call plays over the pa system. they trudge to the gates reluctantly, jinyoung clutching jaebum's boarding pass and still sniffling occasionally, his cheeks flushed and eyes red-rimmed.

jackson thinks of how these two years, he and jinyoung had thought they were chasing after mark and jaebum, not knowing that in truth they were the ones being looked after, being taken care of.

"all this time?" jackson whispers to mark, his voice hushed with marvelment.

when mark smiles and nods softly, his eyes crinkling, jackson isn't sure if he's talking about jaebum or himself.

+ if you read and liked this but have no time to comment, i'd appreciate if you dropped me a kudos on ao3 to help me have a rough idea of how many people are reading this :)
+ thanks fo 5live, lucxrios and gwhappiness for their ideas and suggestions! :3

part 6