((private))
I'm so selfish.
I can't make Stitch feel better and it makes ME sad, cause he wont talk and he wont touch and he wont look at me- just through me, and I can't make him eat and I cant DO anything about it except feel sad and lonely and useless. And I keep telling myself THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU but everyone keeps saying do I want any help, can they do anything for me so clearly its coming across that its everything about me but it's NOT.
It's about him.
I dunno where he's gone though... I don't know and I can't follow.
Annie and Ebola split up and all I can think about is how it's so shit that I cant get them to make up, how it means I'm such a failure as their friend and how it affects me but that's absurd, they weren't REALLY my family, there's no REAL divorce, there wont REALLY be a fight over the kids, it's not like...
It's not like they were my real family.
Cause I don't got one. I need to accept that.
What I got is my Stitches, and I need to just worry about him just now. And stop being so selfish.
There's so many things. I'm so selfish.
I worry about when Dan comes back, am I gonna stop being so... I dont know, special is the wrong word to use, cause Im not, I never was, it's just he liked me... for what I could do with words. No one had ever said to me that I was a good writer before him, no one ever paid me any attention really as a proper grown up, cause I'm just some stupid kid to most people, they peg me below 20 most of the time, or they act like it, I'm just baby and darling and sweet but I make him laugh and we talk about everything only not really, not anymore.
Cause he has his Jones, and he has his Jon, and I think thats pretty much him set now.
And its not BAD being the one who makes someone laugh, you know? Better than being the one you have to help, or the one who is too serious, or the one that secret irritates you, or the one who you wanna fuck so are nice to, or the one who seems lonely, or all the other types of people.
The funny one aint bad.
Only I've not been funny lately.
I'm so worried at work as well, in case it was a fluke, or in case Jonatton only hired me cause of Dan, and I should be SO GRATEFUL cause he's givin me this chance but I'm not, I'm just pathetic and scared and I hate me sometimes. I should be practicing my writing, not whining on that I can't do it.
I shouldn't even be WORRIED about ANY of this, not the Job or the girls or Dan or anyone, anything but Stitch, cause its HIM, hes been the only one to ever just love me, not for any reason, not cause I make him laugh or cause Im nice or clever or anything like that, not cause I help him out, not cause I'm good to talk to, not cause of anything just cause of ME.
He's the only one that will stand by me through anything, he's the only one in the world who properly unconditionally loves me, and he's the only one Im safe enough to love.
I'm so selfish.
I can't stand it.