My autumn traumas by Pete Sweet, aged 25 and three fourths. Almost.
Ah right second go XD
I’ve been really down lately cause I can’t seem to write what I want to no more. I think its cause of what happened. What happened was, well, you know how me an’ Stitch was Millwall casuals? An’ you know how everyone here was like D: about it but weves we left. Well, I wouldn’t fight a fight I got dragged into cause someone got me in a whole shit load of touble an’ course I’m the one what get’s the blame (always am. I must have a really guilty lookin’ face or something.) so I was all set to fight this guy Rafferty an’ me an him are like “worse enemies” hey cause one day about seven years ago I made the foolish decision of wearing yellow converse an’ he picked a fight about it with me an’ I made the even more foolish decision of winning that fight an’ voila! Enemies forever. Always thought that was stupid but never mind. Anyway I wouldn’t fight him an’ me an’ Stitch basically legged it an’ decided hooo fuck lets just keep our heads down a bit so we did an’ Connally, who is our big boss man, like erm… team leader? Ha, chief. I dunno, along them lines, Connally called us up like “Whut?” an’ I went UM SOZ an’ he was like “you’re a dirty wee liar Pete Sweet.” Cause I got out of the fight by saying who my dad was (yeah, proudest moment of my life.) only Connally already knew who my dad was an’ he knew he wouldn’t get involved wiv me cause he don’t give a shit an’ I’m disowned an’ shit (actually he don’t know I got disowned cause if I’d said he would’ve asked why an’ then I would be like HURR cause you know, disowned for being a manky little tart what’s just discovered the joys of getting’ rodgered by his best mate ain’t gonna go down brilliantly in any sort of macho men circle.) anyway point is he knows full well my dad wouldn’t give two shits an’ so he just went HMMM PETER WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT? But left it cause I’m his best boy an’ star lacky so I guess I get privileges.
MEANWHILE my mates are all lookin’ at me like I’ve grown a second head cause where the fuck this decision came from they didn’t know- the plan of course bein’ that we was gonna tell them that me an’ Stitch was hooked up now an’ please don’t stab us but we do realize we can’t be mates no more so long an’ thanks for all the fish. Only that didn’t quite work out an’ now we can’t tell them cause they’re still sticking with us even though I’ve appeared to have thrown this huge mental bitch strop an’ plus I dunno if I can take another huge world rockin’ so we don’t say owt an’ life goes on as normal I guess or as normal as it can an’ then whoops BUSTED. Busted in a pretty bad way as well. Own stupid fault- every time they’d stayed over before we’d been good an’ had bed time in jeans an’ not you know… shagged, BUT in my defence umm we had been very drunk an’ it been a long week without him cause he was working in stupid Kent we’d hardly seen each other an’ Friday night is OURS an’ they all stayed over an’ it’s not like they caught us DURING (Christ. That would have been… very bad.) but there is only so many conclusions you can jump to if you find two of your mates all entangled and sleeping an’ most probably naked under them covers sooo there really was nothing to say to that, so Lee FREAKED OUT an’ ran off never to be seen again, Spencer fell out with me big time for not tellin’ him sooner an’ Mitch laughed his arse off an’ then went to make us a cuppa tea.
So that was sad an’ stuff but life goes on an’ Mitch was a bit fuckin’ stoked cause OMG THAT MEANS YOU AREN’T WITH DAJVE cause that lot all thought Stitch was her boyfriend cause clearly you can’t be FRIENDS with girls that’s an insane concept (but to be fair on them… he isn’t generally friends with girls.) so at least HE was happy with us but as Mitch rightly pointed out- he’s a happy kinda guy. Any way when Lee had freaked out he’d gone to get really drunk cause that’s what he does (that’s what we all do actually) an’ he had a run in with Raff an’ his boys an’ the usual pleasantries were exchanged and of course Raff took the time to enquire after me an’ Lee apparently vomited words all over the place an’ doomed us all. That’s not really fair, he’s properly properly gutted about saying anything but it’s ok, we’re all talking again I guess an’ we’ve been through a lot together my little team so it’ll be fine.
ANYWAY Raff was enraged. Obviously. How dare I have a difference of opinion than him over something I do in the privacy of my own home (mostly) what doesn’t consern him? What a whore. Anyway Raff must have decided then that this simply wasn’t on an’ he was definitely going to have to teach me a lesson. If by lesson I mean get seven other guys together an’ come looking for me an’ Stitch to kick us ta death. And I do.
So we was down the docks, me, Mitch an’ Stitches, an’ there was a game on so everyone was over Peckham way anyway so no chance of running into Lee an’ Spence, but we did run into Raff an’ his mates. I don’t want to go into detail cause it’s makin’ me feel sick but basically Mitch ran off to get help an’ we got set about, I got one of the worst kick in’s Id had for a while, still trying to heal up from the one this same boy gave me a week earlier, Stitch was fucked- seven on him. They needed seven though, cause you have to keep him away from whoever’s hurting me cause he switches off an’ goes all red mist an’ won’t stop til he gets me safe. I’m like that too I suppose, but not like, just for him. Just anyone really, hits me an’ I leap an’ latch on an’ fight til I get pulled off. An’ if I’d been ready, if I’d known what the fuck was goin’ on it would have been fine, cause I can kick Raff in easy an’ if I’d seen them boys on my Stitch I would have fuckin’ had them an’ all, cause no cunt hurts him an’ get’s to walk away. As it was Raff got in a good few blows before I had a fuckin’ clue what was happening an’ Stitch was grabbed. I couldn’t get to my feet an’ he booted me in the ribs with them steel capped fuckin’ boots that by now I would actually like to put in a bin on fire. Caught us right between the legs as well, thought I was actually gonna be sick when he done that. Cunt. Anyway, eventually he tells me what the fuck he’s playing at, an’ he knows about me an’ Stitch. That point my brain basically went OH FUCK well nice working wiv you Peter but I’m just gonna go ahead an’ shut down now, you won’t be needing me when you’re sucking all your meals through a straw, TATA!
He dragged me over to the canal edge, I can sort of remember it, an’ I could hear them kicking in Stitch an’ hear him yelling an’ I can remember I thought he should just stop fightin’ back, let it happen. Much easier to let it happen. It was the shock of the water what woke me up, it wasn’t that it was cold, like it was but it been raining all day, I dunno what it was really. Maybe the sound of his screaming cutting off, the change of pressure on my head, maybe it was how it made the cuts on my face sting but it was like getting hit with a thousand watt light bulb. I kicked out and tried to get free myself but it was to hard, an’ I couldn’t get his hand from round my neck, an’ all I could hear was “Sick dogs get put down.” I think he must have said it to me, an’ I knew he wasn’t gonna let me up. And then… I dunno, maybe I passed out then, I remember coughing an’ throwing my guts up an’ Stitch in hysterics an’ being so cold. Then I can’t remember anything else for a very long time.
Stitch told me after it been two weeks til he caved an’ called Claire to come an’… I dunno what he wanted, maybe just assurance, someone to look after him a minute. Claire’s awful good at looking after people. I just know that I was gone, I was blank, I didn’t want to be there. For the first time in a long time I wanted to die. So I just chose not to live.
I got out of my funk. Kind of. I got up at any rate. But I couldn’t go outside. London stunk of despair. I couldn’t stand it or anyone in it. Pip bought plane tickets for me to go and see him, I saw it as a way to get out of this place. I wasn’t talking to Stitch properly. My head was so fucked up, I couldn’t help him when he needed me and I blamed him for everything. I blamed him for loving me. It was horrible, we don’t really function as people if we don’t have each other. And we didn’t have each other, not at all. I hurt and hated and pushed him away until we had a massive blow up an’ I said some pretty unforgivable things, an’ he told me off, basically, cause I was being a cunt, an’ it wasn’t fair, an’ it wasn’t his fault an’ just… I was awful to him an’ he stuck by me cause he’s brilliant, my lad. He’s brilliant.
We were fine then, me an’ him. More than fine. I was loved up an’ prolly a bit insufferable. I’m like that when I’m loved up an’ he makes every day feel like the first an’ every season summer an’ just… He’s everything. We found a river there one day, when we’d snuck out early an’ just gone for a walk an’ the sun was warming the earth. He got me in that river. Cause he’s safety, that one, he’s so good, you ain’t got a clue, he’s so gentle, an’ so caring, an’ loves me so much that when I’m with him I forget to be scared. An’ after when we were lying in the sun with the grass tickling our backs he asked me to marry him. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want that. I said yes, course I said yes, an’ so now we’re engaged. I don’t think we were supposed to tell no one but he told Dajve, an’ I told Dan yesterday, an’ now I’m telling you, cause I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. We’re engaged, an’ I love him, an’ he’s gonna be my husband an’ I’m gonna be his forever, cause I always have been.
See in story books, after that it’s happily ever after. We don’t get to see what happens next. You don’t get to know if Cinderella ever recovered the abuse she suffered at the hands of her step mother. You don’t find out if Rapunzel learns how to interact with people after all that time locked away, if Snow White could ever eat another apple.
Everything I write now turns to ash. Ink drips out of the pen like poison, sickening the page as I write endless strings of nightmares, an’ apart from Stitch writing is my only safe place. I need it as much as the next man needs oxygen. It hurts, not being able to escape. It really hurts.
I didn’t mean for it to sound so… I dunno. Whiney, is what it was called. So I suppose that’s the word I’m looking for. I just… felt frustrated, an’ useless. I’ve been feeling very useless lately. An’ very lonely. An’ that maybe it’s my fault for not being able to keep us safe. Because that’s my job, you see. Keeping people safe, making them feel loved, cheering them up. I’ve been so bad at it since October. Usually what I’d do would be to write about it, an’ I can’t.
So the reason why he’s so protective of me, an’ doesn’t want me upset, is cause he knows me. Inside out he knows me. Only one who ever has properly. An’ everything I feel he feels it ten fold, cause he lives for me. Can’t help it he just does. I’m his world. An’ just now his world is suffering an ice age.
He’s upset. I can’t stand it when he’s upset. He’s getting nightmares when he can sleep an’ that seems to be less an’ less. Us, we’re not strong enough yet inside to compete with outside offenses. We will be though. I know we’ll get better. It’s started already. I just wrote five pages when I hadn’t really meant to write anything at all. So that’s a good thing, right? Sure it is.
I know other people have their difficulties, but I respect an’ accept that an’ I would have others do unto me to paraphrase the good lord. However if they can’t understand I don’t expect them to, an’ people can have a difference of opinion to me without it causing the sky to fall. Saying that there is one thing I will not tolerate an’ that is someone hurting my boy. I don’t care who is in the right when it comes to him, perhaps this is blind and wrong however I can not and I will not put up with him being made to feel small, or treated with the distain he had to suffer all the way through his childhood and into his adult life. I will over react to any and all mistreatment of him an’ he will do the exact same if he thinks I’ve been done wrong by, for thirteen years this has been the case and if anything recent events have served only to make this stronger.
To conclude- I will deal with how I’m feeling how ever I chose to deal with it an’ will not be forced into speeding up recovery because other people feel I should get over it. This is my pain and you cannot measure grief. We’ve had a difficult fucking year. First of all the dynamic of our relationship which was the only stable thing either of us had had a complete make over, then we lost our jobs, I had the mother of all fights with my father an’ got completely disowned, Stitch lost his father to a crippling disease, we had to leave our team an’ the security that brought us, an’ to top everything off we were fucking brutally attacked and I don’t think anyone would disagree with that because we love each other. So let us have the occasional fucking moan on our journals for Christ sake without sticking the knife in.
To condense that conclusion- anyone hurts my boy an’ they best start runnin’, cause I’m not puttin’ up with that shit anymore an’ I ain’t got a thing to lose what’s more important than him.
I’ve been really down lately cause I can’t seem to write what I want to no more. I think its cause of what happened. What happened was, well, you know how me an’ Stitch was Millwall casuals? An’ you know how everyone here was like D: about it but weves we left. Well, I wouldn’t fight a fight I got dragged into cause someone got me in a whole shit load of touble an’ course I’m the one what get’s the blame (always am. I must have a really guilty lookin’ face or something.) so I was all set to fight this guy Rafferty an’ me an him are like “worse enemies” hey cause one day about seven years ago I made the foolish decision of wearing yellow converse an’ he picked a fight about it with me an’ I made the even more foolish decision of winning that fight an’ voila! Enemies forever. Always thought that was stupid but never mind. Anyway I wouldn’t fight him an’ me an’ Stitch basically legged it an’ decided hooo fuck lets just keep our heads down a bit so we did an’ Connally, who is our big boss man, like erm… team leader? Ha, chief. I dunno, along them lines, Connally called us up like “Whut?” an’ I went UM SOZ an’ he was like “you’re a dirty wee liar Pete Sweet.” Cause I got out of the fight by saying who my dad was (yeah, proudest moment of my life.) only Connally already knew who my dad was an’ he knew he wouldn’t get involved wiv me cause he don’t give a shit an’ I’m disowned an’ shit (actually he don’t know I got disowned cause if I’d said he would’ve asked why an’ then I would be like HURR cause you know, disowned for being a manky little tart what’s just discovered the joys of getting’ rodgered by his best mate ain’t gonna go down brilliantly in any sort of macho men circle.) anyway point is he knows full well my dad wouldn’t give two shits an’ so he just went HMMM PETER WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT? But left it cause I’m his best boy an’ star lacky so I guess I get privileges.
MEANWHILE my mates are all lookin’ at me like I’ve grown a second head cause where the fuck this decision came from they didn’t know- the plan of course bein’ that we was gonna tell them that me an’ Stitch was hooked up now an’ please don’t stab us but we do realize we can’t be mates no more so long an’ thanks for all the fish. Only that didn’t quite work out an’ now we can’t tell them cause they’re still sticking with us even though I’ve appeared to have thrown this huge mental bitch strop an’ plus I dunno if I can take another huge world rockin’ so we don’t say owt an’ life goes on as normal I guess or as normal as it can an’ then whoops BUSTED. Busted in a pretty bad way as well. Own stupid fault- every time they’d stayed over before we’d been good an’ had bed time in jeans an’ not you know… shagged, BUT in my defence umm we had been very drunk an’ it been a long week without him cause he was working in stupid Kent we’d hardly seen each other an’ Friday night is OURS an’ they all stayed over an’ it’s not like they caught us DURING (Christ. That would have been… very bad.) but there is only so many conclusions you can jump to if you find two of your mates all entangled and sleeping an’ most probably naked under them covers sooo there really was nothing to say to that, so Lee FREAKED OUT an’ ran off never to be seen again, Spencer fell out with me big time for not tellin’ him sooner an’ Mitch laughed his arse off an’ then went to make us a cuppa tea.
So that was sad an’ stuff but life goes on an’ Mitch was a bit fuckin’ stoked cause OMG THAT MEANS YOU AREN’T WITH DAJVE cause that lot all thought Stitch was her boyfriend cause clearly you can’t be FRIENDS with girls that’s an insane concept (but to be fair on them… he isn’t generally friends with girls.) so at least HE was happy with us but as Mitch rightly pointed out- he’s a happy kinda guy. Any way when Lee had freaked out he’d gone to get really drunk cause that’s what he does (that’s what we all do actually) an’ he had a run in with Raff an’ his boys an’ the usual pleasantries were exchanged and of course Raff took the time to enquire after me an’ Lee apparently vomited words all over the place an’ doomed us all. That’s not really fair, he’s properly properly gutted about saying anything but it’s ok, we’re all talking again I guess an’ we’ve been through a lot together my little team so it’ll be fine.
ANYWAY Raff was enraged. Obviously. How dare I have a difference of opinion than him over something I do in the privacy of my own home (mostly) what doesn’t consern him? What a whore. Anyway Raff must have decided then that this simply wasn’t on an’ he was definitely going to have to teach me a lesson. If by lesson I mean get seven other guys together an’ come looking for me an’ Stitch to kick us ta death. And I do.
So we was down the docks, me, Mitch an’ Stitches, an’ there was a game on so everyone was over Peckham way anyway so no chance of running into Lee an’ Spence, but we did run into Raff an’ his mates. I don’t want to go into detail cause it’s makin’ me feel sick but basically Mitch ran off to get help an’ we got set about, I got one of the worst kick in’s Id had for a while, still trying to heal up from the one this same boy gave me a week earlier, Stitch was fucked- seven on him. They needed seven though, cause you have to keep him away from whoever’s hurting me cause he switches off an’ goes all red mist an’ won’t stop til he gets me safe. I’m like that too I suppose, but not like, just for him. Just anyone really, hits me an’ I leap an’ latch on an’ fight til I get pulled off. An’ if I’d been ready, if I’d known what the fuck was goin’ on it would have been fine, cause I can kick Raff in easy an’ if I’d seen them boys on my Stitch I would have fuckin’ had them an’ all, cause no cunt hurts him an’ get’s to walk away. As it was Raff got in a good few blows before I had a fuckin’ clue what was happening an’ Stitch was grabbed. I couldn’t get to my feet an’ he booted me in the ribs with them steel capped fuckin’ boots that by now I would actually like to put in a bin on fire. Caught us right between the legs as well, thought I was actually gonna be sick when he done that. Cunt. Anyway, eventually he tells me what the fuck he’s playing at, an’ he knows about me an’ Stitch. That point my brain basically went OH FUCK well nice working wiv you Peter but I’m just gonna go ahead an’ shut down now, you won’t be needing me when you’re sucking all your meals through a straw, TATA!
He dragged me over to the canal edge, I can sort of remember it, an’ I could hear them kicking in Stitch an’ hear him yelling an’ I can remember I thought he should just stop fightin’ back, let it happen. Much easier to let it happen. It was the shock of the water what woke me up, it wasn’t that it was cold, like it was but it been raining all day, I dunno what it was really. Maybe the sound of his screaming cutting off, the change of pressure on my head, maybe it was how it made the cuts on my face sting but it was like getting hit with a thousand watt light bulb. I kicked out and tried to get free myself but it was to hard, an’ I couldn’t get his hand from round my neck, an’ all I could hear was “Sick dogs get put down.” I think he must have said it to me, an’ I knew he wasn’t gonna let me up. And then… I dunno, maybe I passed out then, I remember coughing an’ throwing my guts up an’ Stitch in hysterics an’ being so cold. Then I can’t remember anything else for a very long time.
Stitch told me after it been two weeks til he caved an’ called Claire to come an’… I dunno what he wanted, maybe just assurance, someone to look after him a minute. Claire’s awful good at looking after people. I just know that I was gone, I was blank, I didn’t want to be there. For the first time in a long time I wanted to die. So I just chose not to live.
I got out of my funk. Kind of. I got up at any rate. But I couldn’t go outside. London stunk of despair. I couldn’t stand it or anyone in it. Pip bought plane tickets for me to go and see him, I saw it as a way to get out of this place. I wasn’t talking to Stitch properly. My head was so fucked up, I couldn’t help him when he needed me and I blamed him for everything. I blamed him for loving me. It was horrible, we don’t really function as people if we don’t have each other. And we didn’t have each other, not at all. I hurt and hated and pushed him away until we had a massive blow up an’ I said some pretty unforgivable things, an’ he told me off, basically, cause I was being a cunt, an’ it wasn’t fair, an’ it wasn’t his fault an’ just… I was awful to him an’ he stuck by me cause he’s brilliant, my lad. He’s brilliant.
We were fine then, me an’ him. More than fine. I was loved up an’ prolly a bit insufferable. I’m like that when I’m loved up an’ he makes every day feel like the first an’ every season summer an’ just… He’s everything. We found a river there one day, when we’d snuck out early an’ just gone for a walk an’ the sun was warming the earth. He got me in that river. Cause he’s safety, that one, he’s so good, you ain’t got a clue, he’s so gentle, an’ so caring, an’ loves me so much that when I’m with him I forget to be scared. An’ after when we were lying in the sun with the grass tickling our backs he asked me to marry him. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want that. I said yes, course I said yes, an’ so now we’re engaged. I don’t think we were supposed to tell no one but he told Dajve, an’ I told Dan yesterday, an’ now I’m telling you, cause I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. We’re engaged, an’ I love him, an’ he’s gonna be my husband an’ I’m gonna be his forever, cause I always have been.
See in story books, after that it’s happily ever after. We don’t get to see what happens next. You don’t get to know if Cinderella ever recovered the abuse she suffered at the hands of her step mother. You don’t find out if Rapunzel learns how to interact with people after all that time locked away, if Snow White could ever eat another apple.
Everything I write now turns to ash. Ink drips out of the pen like poison, sickening the page as I write endless strings of nightmares, an’ apart from Stitch writing is my only safe place. I need it as much as the next man needs oxygen. It hurts, not being able to escape. It really hurts.
I didn’t mean for it to sound so… I dunno. Whiney, is what it was called. So I suppose that’s the word I’m looking for. I just… felt frustrated, an’ useless. I’ve been feeling very useless lately. An’ very lonely. An’ that maybe it’s my fault for not being able to keep us safe. Because that’s my job, you see. Keeping people safe, making them feel loved, cheering them up. I’ve been so bad at it since October. Usually what I’d do would be to write about it, an’ I can’t.
So the reason why he’s so protective of me, an’ doesn’t want me upset, is cause he knows me. Inside out he knows me. Only one who ever has properly. An’ everything I feel he feels it ten fold, cause he lives for me. Can’t help it he just does. I’m his world. An’ just now his world is suffering an ice age.
He’s upset. I can’t stand it when he’s upset. He’s getting nightmares when he can sleep an’ that seems to be less an’ less. Us, we’re not strong enough yet inside to compete with outside offenses. We will be though. I know we’ll get better. It’s started already. I just wrote five pages when I hadn’t really meant to write anything at all. So that’s a good thing, right? Sure it is.
I know other people have their difficulties, but I respect an’ accept that an’ I would have others do unto me to paraphrase the good lord. However if they can’t understand I don’t expect them to, an’ people can have a difference of opinion to me without it causing the sky to fall. Saying that there is one thing I will not tolerate an’ that is someone hurting my boy. I don’t care who is in the right when it comes to him, perhaps this is blind and wrong however I can not and I will not put up with him being made to feel small, or treated with the distain he had to suffer all the way through his childhood and into his adult life. I will over react to any and all mistreatment of him an’ he will do the exact same if he thinks I’ve been done wrong by, for thirteen years this has been the case and if anything recent events have served only to make this stronger.
To conclude- I will deal with how I’m feeling how ever I chose to deal with it an’ will not be forced into speeding up recovery because other people feel I should get over it. This is my pain and you cannot measure grief. We’ve had a difficult fucking year. First of all the dynamic of our relationship which was the only stable thing either of us had had a complete make over, then we lost our jobs, I had the mother of all fights with my father an’ got completely disowned, Stitch lost his father to a crippling disease, we had to leave our team an’ the security that brought us, an’ to top everything off we were fucking brutally attacked and I don’t think anyone would disagree with that because we love each other. So let us have the occasional fucking moan on our journals for Christ sake without sticking the knife in.
To condense that conclusion- anyone hurts my boy an’ they best start runnin’, cause I’m not puttin’ up with that shit anymore an’ I ain’t got a thing to lose what’s more important than him.