TSL: 6 is a real bitch
Bittersweet
FP & Cara Lockwood
Two things you need to know, spoiler-lite version:
1. There are still no lesbians allowed in the Valley.
2. Son. Of. A. Bitch! We end on a cliffhanger. Yeah.
Are you ready for this? I don't think you are. I mean, in theory this should be the easiest one to recap because all the loose ends are tied up. Except, of course, they aren't.
Let's start with the easy stuff, shall we?
Lila:
Ms. Lila Fowler has an announcement to make and she makes that announcement on a special live episode of The Real Housewives of Sweet Valley. She's pregnant. GASP. Ken happens to be watching and when Lila drops this bombshell, he's beyond pissed off. It's not enough for Lila to lie once, now she has to do it again? The hell is wrong with that woman? He storms over to their mansion, bursts in, accuses her of being a liar, and lifts up her shirt to expose... a very real baby bump.
Ashley, the blond Kardashian, is forcibly dragged out of the room by the other two Housewives who threaten her, showing the most personality they've had this entire time. Not the best swan song, but it'll do. Ken pretty much instantly forgives Lila when he realizes that what he wanted most is likely to actually happen this time, and Lila, for her part, doesn't seem to realize the cameras are still rolling. Cue the happily ever after for these two.
Jessica
Sooooooo. Jessica. She's been cut off from just about everyone she knows (and Liz is in Kentucky) and relunctantly agrees to a lunch date with Liam. Who... gives Liza, the nanny, lunch off. Only Liam flips the fuck out and things get really ugly, really fast. Turns out he gave Liza the afternoon off, he made a dummy FB account he used to kill Jessica's relationships with Michael, Cal, and Lila and gloats about this, and oh yes, he's actually a huge stalker. I'm thinking this means he had someone on payroll to stalk Jessica since he's allegedly a big action movie star and they tend to be followed by paparazzi and people notice when they're lurking off set for hours at a time, y'know?
So Jessica stalls and things get worse because Liam's cuckoo for Cocoa puffs, man. He forces himself on her and then Todd bursts in, ready to give Jessica hell for having Liam over when he told her that Jake didn't like Liam.
And then this happens and I can almost forgive this whole entire series for doing my head in so badly:
"I've had six weeks of intensive martial arts training for my latest movie," Liam said with a smooth confidence. "Do you know martial arts?"
"No," Todd said, rage still bubbling in his blood. "But I do know how to kick your ass."
And then he does it! Todd kicks the crap out of Liam with Jessica finishing Liam off with a lamp to the head. The police arrive and cart Liam off to jail, muttering that he looks sorta like that Hollywood guy, and then Jessica and Todd either make out or possibly go further. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure a cop would still be around? Ick.
Liz and Bruce
Liz begins the book in Kentucky where she tours the rehab center, giving them Robin Platt's name. Nothing comes of it. But remember Aaron found out that Robin was actually Mona Thomas and working for Rick Warner at the end of the last installment? If not, he did and it happened and whatever. Mona is Robin is Mona!
Liz hightails it back to the rehab center and lies like a pro. She pretends to be Mona's sister, come to find out information on her whereabouts because their mother is dying! Dying! She threatens to go to the local news outlets (and I'm amused that she throws out Channel 5 as the station of choice because that's the trashy station here, too) with the tale of how they denied a DYING WOMAN the chance to see her daughter again.
Turns out that Mona Thomas is pretending to be Robin Platt, who really does exist and who really isn't exactly a lesbian. Because, like I said, you can't have a lesbian in the Valley. No, but you can have a sex change operation. Robin is now Robert and Mona just used the name. Why?
Because she was involved with Rick Warner, though apparently not by choice. I'm unclear as to whether the sex started before or after she was booted for embezzling funds, but whatever the case, he blackmailed her into going to a bar, pretending she'd been abused, crying on Bruce's shoulder til the doctored drink the bartender slipped Bruce kicked in (TOLD YOU) and then making sure the priest went public.
Warren sadly had the brilliant idea to record his sex with Mona, who is clearly not thrilled about things, and also thoughtful enough to spill his plan on this recording. Which Mona stole the previous day. Yay? Liz hears all this, calls Jessica and Jessica gets Annie to bring Bruce home, all while leaving Liz's name out of this.
A press conference is given announcing Bruce's innocence and when Bruce speaks, he gives this heartfelt tribute to the one person who stood by him and did all this work to get his name cleared and Liz thinks Annie or Jessica told Bruce the truth.
We end with this:
"I would like to thank the woman I love..."
Tears of joy and happiness slid down Elizabeth's cheeks.
"...Annie Whitman."
SONOFABITCH.
Seriously? You're seriously going to end on a fucking cliffhanger? SERIOUSLY?!
I'm sorry, but I need a minute. And by a minute, I think I need something to punch and a drink.
Spoilers contained within this post. As in how this all ends. Also, the Todd punch to end all Todd punches.
FP & Cara Lockwood
Two things you need to know, spoiler-lite version:
1. There are still no lesbians allowed in the Valley.
2. Son. Of. A. Bitch! We end on a cliffhanger. Yeah.
Are you ready for this? I don't think you are. I mean, in theory this should be the easiest one to recap because all the loose ends are tied up. Except, of course, they aren't.
Let's start with the easy stuff, shall we?
Lila:
Ms. Lila Fowler has an announcement to make and she makes that announcement on a special live episode of The Real Housewives of Sweet Valley. She's pregnant. GASP. Ken happens to be watching and when Lila drops this bombshell, he's beyond pissed off. It's not enough for Lila to lie once, now she has to do it again? The hell is wrong with that woman? He storms over to their mansion, bursts in, accuses her of being a liar, and lifts up her shirt to expose... a very real baby bump.
Ashley, the blond Kardashian, is forcibly dragged out of the room by the other two Housewives who threaten her, showing the most personality they've had this entire time. Not the best swan song, but it'll do. Ken pretty much instantly forgives Lila when he realizes that what he wanted most is likely to actually happen this time, and Lila, for her part, doesn't seem to realize the cameras are still rolling. Cue the happily ever after for these two.
Jessica
Sooooooo. Jessica. She's been cut off from just about everyone she knows (and Liz is in Kentucky) and relunctantly agrees to a lunch date with Liam. Who... gives Liza, the nanny, lunch off. Only Liam flips the fuck out and things get really ugly, really fast. Turns out he gave Liza the afternoon off, he made a dummy FB account he used to kill Jessica's relationships with Michael, Cal, and Lila and gloats about this, and oh yes, he's actually a huge stalker. I'm thinking this means he had someone on payroll to stalk Jessica since he's allegedly a big action movie star and they tend to be followed by paparazzi and people notice when they're lurking off set for hours at a time, y'know?
So Jessica stalls and things get worse because Liam's cuckoo for Cocoa puffs, man. He forces himself on her and then Todd bursts in, ready to give Jessica hell for having Liam over when he told her that Jake didn't like Liam.
And then this happens and I can almost forgive this whole entire series for doing my head in so badly:
"I've had six weeks of intensive martial arts training for my latest movie," Liam said with a smooth confidence. "Do you know martial arts?"
"No," Todd said, rage still bubbling in his blood. "But I do know how to kick your ass."
And then he does it! Todd kicks the crap out of Liam with Jessica finishing Liam off with a lamp to the head. The police arrive and cart Liam off to jail, muttering that he looks sorta like that Hollywood guy, and then Jessica and Todd either make out or possibly go further. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure a cop would still be around? Ick.
Liz and Bruce
Liz begins the book in Kentucky where she tours the rehab center, giving them Robin Platt's name. Nothing comes of it. But remember Aaron found out that Robin was actually Mona Thomas and working for Rick Warner at the end of the last installment? If not, he did and it happened and whatever. Mona is Robin is Mona!
Liz hightails it back to the rehab center and lies like a pro. She pretends to be Mona's sister, come to find out information on her whereabouts because their mother is dying! Dying! She threatens to go to the local news outlets (and I'm amused that she throws out Channel 5 as the station of choice because that's the trashy station here, too) with the tale of how they denied a DYING WOMAN the chance to see her daughter again.
Turns out that Mona Thomas is pretending to be Robin Platt, who really does exist and who really isn't exactly a lesbian. Because, like I said, you can't have a lesbian in the Valley. No, but you can have a sex change operation. Robin is now Robert and Mona just used the name. Why?
Because she was involved with Rick Warner, though apparently not by choice. I'm unclear as to whether the sex started before or after she was booted for embezzling funds, but whatever the case, he blackmailed her into going to a bar, pretending she'd been abused, crying on Bruce's shoulder til the doctored drink the bartender slipped Bruce kicked in (TOLD YOU) and then making sure the priest went public.
Warren sadly had the brilliant idea to record his sex with Mona, who is clearly not thrilled about things, and also thoughtful enough to spill his plan on this recording. Which Mona stole the previous day. Yay? Liz hears all this, calls Jessica and Jessica gets Annie to bring Bruce home, all while leaving Liz's name out of this.
A press conference is given announcing Bruce's innocence and when Bruce speaks, he gives this heartfelt tribute to the one person who stood by him and did all this work to get his name cleared and Liz thinks Annie or Jessica told Bruce the truth.
We end with this:
"I would like to thank the woman I love..."
Tears of joy and happiness slid down Elizabeth's cheeks.
"...Annie Whitman."
SONOFABITCH.
Seriously? You're seriously going to end on a fucking cliffhanger? SERIOUSLY?!
I'm sorry, but I need a minute. And by a minute, I think I need something to punch and a drink.
Spoilers contained within this post. As in how this all ends. Also, the Todd punch to end all Todd punches.