What time is it? Adventure Time!
After months of waiting, let The Sweet Life begin!
The Sweet Life
Finally. FINALLY, dammit.
Okay, that out of the way, let's get our quick review out of the way. Right off the bat, this thing is infinitely better than SVC. If Francine Pascal wrote the majority of this without a ghostwriter, I will personally demand a fucking refund for the horrible atrocity of SVC because this? This is actually pretty good, all things considered.
We start off with Jessica, who has found her professional stride. She's channeled her inner Kristy Thomas and found herself in the possession of the "idea gene" which is pretty useful given her job. We find out that she's made a few enemies at work and is on the wrong end of some office gossip because her boss has a thing for her but she doesn't really return the feeling... because she's got a kid now, and boss isn't really one for kids.
Sadly, while she has a kid, she and Todd are separated. So all that angst you might've slogged through in SVC is for nothing because Todd's moved out and sort of moved on. And sort of not really. It's complicated. Like Jess, he's not hurting for admirers, and one of them works at the paper with him (and Liz!) but when Jessica uses her Google-fu, she finds that "boyishly pretty" Sarah has a nasty habit of plagiarizing people. Jessica in particular. And this habit is nothing new. Jessica calls Liz who won't confront Sarah or really do much and in a stunning moment of lack of foresight, neither twin realizes that if Jessica is the one to get Sarah fired (and she is), Todd will be furious and see it as a personal attack and not, I dunno, a hack getting fired for breaking one of the first rules of feminism journalism.
Todd and Jessica blow up at one another and Todd accuses her of seducing him way back when they got together and fucked over their relationships with Liz, Bruce, and poor maligned Winston. (WINSTON!) Jessica is understandably hurt and realizes that if he truly feels this way, they honestly are done. This leads to her going on a date with Liam (you remember him from SVC, right? Only I fear he's undergone a personality transplant to become a borderline stalker if you believe Liz and an incredibly boring Hollywood actor if you listen to Jess.) and... they sleep together, even after Jessica acknowledges the fact that if she were to sleep with someone else, Todd would flip his shit and they would be OVER. (A refreshingly realistic commentary on the insane double standard. A man can sleep with another woman while he's on a break with his wife and it's to be expected. Wife sleeps with someone else and it's game over. But then Jessica runs with it being a case of Todd feeling responsible for Sarah and... really? The scheming Jess I know would have thought of that BEFORE getting the other woman fired.)
The only thing left in the land of Todd/Jessica is that Liza, their nanny, seems to be pro-Liam, but that might just be a momentary thing.
Also, Jake, their kid? Sounds adorable, but Liza, Jess, Liz, and Todd should all be fired. A two year old should not be playing with actual LEGOs. Those things are a choking hazard, kids. So either we're all trying to kill Jakey poo, or we meant Duplos. (Guys, this is like Lila Fowler giving you parenting advice, so you should be very afraid right now. VERY AFRAID.)
Liz and Bruce are shacking up in this house he designed and had built and I'm thinking that Patman Manor or whatever it was called is going to waste. So sad. Anyway, Bruce is super successful doing whatever it is Bruce does. Liz is... writing for the same paper as Todd and she does a blog and honestly, Liz sounds like she's drowning in her new life with Bruce aside from the sex.
I'm not sure if it's my dislike of this pairing, but I honestly get the feeling that Liz is fading into the background of her own life. Despite the fact that the SVH version of Chapter 2 drilled it into our heads that Liz helped decorate her own room, she doesn't help Bruce decorate what was to become THEIR home. It wasn't even played as a ploy to get Bruce and Jessica to spend time together. Instead it was "Liz has no decorating skills." o_O She roams restlessly through the mansion and seems ill at ease with the incredible wealth she's now living with... and I'm hoping this is dealt with, because as it is it's just sad. Liz seems incomplete and no amount of "But she loves Bruce and Bruce loves her!" is filling that void for me.
And then things go ass end up.
Bruce is accused of sexually assaulting an intern at a bar. Bruce's version of events is a serious case of "dude, you got duped and drugged" that no one's mentioned yet. Liz shifts into journalistic overdrive in her need to prove Bruce innocent. She runs to Jessica who shifts into... Kristy overdrive and becomes a PR genius as they plot Bruce's official statement in regards to the charges.
Liz noses around trying to figure out the truth, and as she does so, she sinks down to a new low when she pretends to be a therapist as she talks to the alleged victim. She realizes how wrong this is, but she's so sure this girl is lying that it doesn't matter. I dunno, Liz. Once you sell your soul, you can't get it back in the same condition...
The girl plays her like a fiddle and it never once occurs to Liz that if this is the set-up she's so sure it is, Warner (the guy Bruce just trumped in a land deal) would have supplied the players with the information to truly make this damning. He'd also fucking have a picture of Elizabeth Wakefield and make sure the girl who cried assault knew exactly what this chick looked like for when she came sniffing around. Liz goes on about what a small town SV is and I guarantee you that if Bruce is as big a player as he's supposed to be, Caroline's blog alone would have photos of them together. Seriously, Liz. Put on a cap or something. Disguise yourself beyond calling yourself "Laura Christer" from church.
I'm dead serious with that, btw. But she's always been horrible with aliases (I direct you for the first, last, and only time to the travesty of the Elizabeth series.) so I'll snicker at this instead.
We leave Liz with her head spinning over whether or not Bruce is guilty or not, and comforting the alleged victim who is begging for her help.
Now. We need a detour into uncanny Valley, so... Hey, Lila! What stupid thing does Frannie have you up to this week?
True Housewives of SV. Seriously. I'd hoped this was just a big lie. Sigh. Lila makes a big deal about dying her hair back to a darker version of her original brunette (and honestly, I always thought of Li as having dark brown hair anyway, descriptions and cover art be damned.) and we find out that the woman can read a room rather well. We also find out that she wants this so badly for classic Lila reasons.
Her father is besotted by Jessica's working genius. He adores Ken for being a star (and possibly for being awesome enough to stick around when Lila's a right royal bitch?) and the universe at large sees her as NFL star Ken Matthews' wife. Lila wants to be the star and she's willing to give up her privacy to achieve that.
After one day of filming it turns out she's willing to give up her husband, too. :/ Ken doesn't appreciate being made a fool of to further Lila's mad dash at stardom, but Lila was so wrapped up in being the star bitch of the show that she didn't realize what a mistake she was making until her husband finally left her.
There are some serious problems (one day is all it takes for Ken to run? The man stuck around when Lila was trying to divorce him but one day on a reality show is enough to break him? Sigh.) and I'm sure I'm not supposed to look too closely at the whole Bruce accused of sexual assault which is something super early SVH Bruce knew a thing or two about... but I am.
Thing is, it's entertaining which is something SVC so clearly wasn't 98% of the time. The romance falls pretty flat for me (oddly enough except for Lila/Ken) but we're off to a relatively good start.
I leave you with my notes as they happened:
Sweet Life, running commentary:
Oh look, Mr. Fowler's back to George. Huzzah!
Uh, why does Jessica have a fake fur laptop case? That just sounds tacky, ugly, and not really Jessica's style. Or anyone's. Am I imagining it wrong?
A decided lack of "likes" in the Jessica opening. Hallelujah! This manages to extend throughout most of the book, though Liz's attempt at college speak is laughably bad, though I'm going to pretend that was intentional.
Since when the blue fuck does Liz not eat red meat? And not entirely sure how I feel about Liz failing to be decent enough in French to get across the notion that pod!Liz here doesn't eat red meat.
2 year old should not be playing with LEGOs. So I'll pretend you meant Duplos. Seriously, Frannie. You trying to kill Jake already? Because Zizzie is gold. (Zizzie is what Jake calls Aunt Liz. And I'm still dying at the cuteness here.)
So. Enid is still the punching bag of the series. Joy. And the irony of Liz gossiping just as much as Caroline is lost on Liz. And possibly Frannie.
Since when do Liz and Jess have the same taste in music? Egads. EGADS.
Every Chapter 2 moment in SVH went on and on about Liz being the one to tastefully decorate her own bedroom and suddenly she has no taste for design? No redocorating skills and instead turns to the Hershey Bar creator... and Bruce? Liz feels lost in her own life, just an echo of who she should be.
Whatever Baby wants, Baby gets? Oh, Ken. I may have thrown up at that.
"attractive boyish looks" um... Toddles? She's a 35 year old woman, so maybe likening her to a boy isn't quite the compliment you think it is. Also, have you been hanging around Aaron and Steve a little too much? Or possibly not enough?
"Missy is on the phone. She wants to go over tables with you."
"Ugh!"
"I heard you. And stop rolling your eyes."
"You cannot possibly see my eyes."
"Still. Stop rolling them. She's only trying to be friendly."
Honestly, this reads as a scene from SVH of old. But I still can't buy the Liz/Bruce ship.
I thought SV Heights was housing but now it's an apartment? (Chapter 9)
...oh, Lila. Honey. No.
Didn't Jess lose her V card to Mike... her husband? Which isn't exactly the "get it over with" mentality, Frannie.
Laura Christer, Liz? Really? Well. You've always been horrible with aliases. *coughElizabethseriescough*
Lies and Ommissions
FP & Cara Lockwood (Franny had help!)
I don't have as much to say about Lies and Omissions for the most part. It's not bad by any means, given what it is and the fact that Lila on a reality show just screams "in what alternate reality?"
We open with Lila and Jess talking over one another about their issues. Ken still won't talk to Lila after walking out on her in the last installment and as is always the case, she knew not what she had until it was gone. I'm going to take a moment to be smug and superior and also quote for you:
"When he fell in love, he fell for her. Hard. How else to explain that when she tried to divorce him three years ago, he simply refused to leave? Okay, maybe not refused, but he hung around until she gave up talking to the lawyers. And then there were the looks he sometimes gave her, the ones that told her she was the goal line and he was coming across it, no matter what. Nobody else made her feel so worth... winning."
This feels vaguely familiar to me though um, that's a thought for another time. :p Anyway, Lila tries to get Jessica's attention but Jessica, as usual, has little time for Li. She's still stuck firmly in "Save Bruce Patman" mode, and when she mentions this to Lila, we get a John Pfeifer mention. Which is immediately undercut by the memory that isn't shared, and that's of the Lila/Bruce 'ship in SVU. Seriously, this ommission is going to be the death of me. *twitch* Without that history, Lila is firmly in the camp of the girl accusing Bruce of assault, but when Jessica gets a bit huffy, Lila lets it drop.
She then attempts to illicit some sympathy by reminding Jessica that her husband just left her, dammit. Jessica then switches over to pity over her own husband dropping her like a bad habit. Only, hey, look! He's sent a lot of texts trying to win her back!
To her credit, Lila doesn't smack Jessica or make good on her threat to break Jessica's iPhone... as I would have. Just as Jess is about to admit that the only thing standing between a Jess/Todd reunion is the whole sex with Liam escapade, Lila brings things back to her own troubles. Together, but apart, they decide to win their men back.
Lila's plan involves a slinky outfit and ambushing Ken after a game. Unfortunately for Lila, her plan fizzles when Ken isn't ready to be won over. Instead he drives off with another Housewife, leaving Lila to make a horrible, HORRIBLE decision.
You know what every good soap opera needs, right? That's right. Someone to claim they're preggers when they aren't. And Lila figures she'll take this moment to dig her own grave. Now, I admit I don't watch much reality TV... but I'd imagine it's taped months in advance. Maybe only a couple, but it's not an instant thing, but when Lila drops her "Ken left me for Ashley and I'm pregnant!" bombshell it's as if it's airing ASAP. o_O Um... k?
If you need me, I'll be shrieking in horror over here in the corner.
Jessica's big plan is to call Todd and invite him out for dinner. He agrees and dinner goes so well that they're talking moving back in together. Jessica excuses herself to use the ladies' room and Todd gets a text from Caroline.
Caroline wasn't thrilled when Jessica threw her out of her house, so she gets her revenge by using the gossip she picked up about Liam/Jessica hooking up (pictures of a very drunk Jessica leaning on Liam as they wait for the elevator to take them up to his room to do bad things to one another included.) Todd is pissed as hell because he retained his virtue... and because Jessica lied to him.
Again.
Oh, btw, I'd feel worse for him but he's willing to let Jessica drop the first job that's actually good for her just to soothe his stupid ego. She quit her job right after the MeanGreen event that she put together, all for Todd. Congrats, Jess.
Liz could have talked her out of quitting, maybe, but didn't because she's still not herself. At all. This go round she's still pretending to be Laura Christer and she offers to help Robin, the girl who has accused Bruce of sexual assault, move to a little cottage-y house near Robin's church. Liz pays for it and everything, but she's still not sure what's going on.
Hey. Liz. You want my official guess? I've got two and both make you look like a dumbass.
1) Robin got paid to accuse Bruce and she accepted because she needed the money and the water works now are because she feels guilty.
2) She's playing everyone and is still getting paid off by Warner.
It's sad that they even reference Bruce's um... episode with Liz from Dear Sister and I'm still willing to believe him more than Liz is. Also, I'm fairly certain Liz is rewriting history when she remembers the event, but hey. It happens.
Anyway, because Liz is pulling away from him and being so slow in figuring out who's accusing him of a crime he didn't commit, Bruce has hired a P.I. to get to the bottom of this mess. P.I. finds Robin but hasn't found out that Liz's name is on the lease, so he gives Bruce the address and Bruce, who is very drunk, makes the stupid ass decision to go and bang on Robin's door at 2am. He breaks a window, the cops are called, and hey. The neighbors all have cell phones and we end with Bruce realizing he's just fucked up royally.
Book 2 is shorter than Book 1 and it feels like it. Lies and Omissions is the "you idiots!" installment.
No cuts! Never forget a day that might live in infamy!
I'll see you all on the other side. Godspeed, my friends.
eta: Thoughts/mini reviews of both have been added.
The Sweet Life
Finally. FINALLY, dammit.
Okay, that out of the way, let's get our quick review out of the way. Right off the bat, this thing is infinitely better than SVC. If Francine Pascal wrote the majority of this without a ghostwriter, I will personally demand a fucking refund for the horrible atrocity of SVC because this? This is actually pretty good, all things considered.
We start off with Jessica, who has found her professional stride. She's channeled her inner Kristy Thomas and found herself in the possession of the "idea gene" which is pretty useful given her job. We find out that she's made a few enemies at work and is on the wrong end of some office gossip because her boss has a thing for her but she doesn't really return the feeling... because she's got a kid now, and boss isn't really one for kids.
Sadly, while she has a kid, she and Todd are separated. So all that angst you might've slogged through in SVC is for nothing because Todd's moved out and sort of moved on. And sort of not really. It's complicated. Like Jess, he's not hurting for admirers, and one of them works at the paper with him (and Liz!) but when Jessica uses her Google-fu, she finds that "boyishly pretty" Sarah has a nasty habit of plagiarizing people. Jessica in particular. And this habit is nothing new. Jessica calls Liz who won't confront Sarah or really do much and in a stunning moment of lack of foresight, neither twin realizes that if Jessica is the one to get Sarah fired (and she is), Todd will be furious and see it as a personal attack and not, I dunno, a hack getting fired for breaking one of the first rules of feminism journalism.
Todd and Jessica blow up at one another and Todd accuses her of seducing him way back when they got together and fucked over their relationships with Liz, Bruce, and poor maligned Winston. (WINSTON!) Jessica is understandably hurt and realizes that if he truly feels this way, they honestly are done. This leads to her going on a date with Liam (you remember him from SVC, right? Only I fear he's undergone a personality transplant to become a borderline stalker if you believe Liz and an incredibly boring Hollywood actor if you listen to Jess.) and... they sleep together, even after Jessica acknowledges the fact that if she were to sleep with someone else, Todd would flip his shit and they would be OVER. (A refreshingly realistic commentary on the insane double standard. A man can sleep with another woman while he's on a break with his wife and it's to be expected. Wife sleeps with someone else and it's game over. But then Jessica runs with it being a case of Todd feeling responsible for Sarah and... really? The scheming Jess I know would have thought of that BEFORE getting the other woman fired.)
The only thing left in the land of Todd/Jessica is that Liza, their nanny, seems to be pro-Liam, but that might just be a momentary thing.
Also, Jake, their kid? Sounds adorable, but Liza, Jess, Liz, and Todd should all be fired. A two year old should not be playing with actual LEGOs. Those things are a choking hazard, kids. So either we're all trying to kill Jakey poo, or we meant Duplos. (Guys, this is like Lila Fowler giving you parenting advice, so you should be very afraid right now. VERY AFRAID.)
Liz and Bruce are shacking up in this house he designed and had built and I'm thinking that Patman Manor or whatever it was called is going to waste. So sad. Anyway, Bruce is super successful doing whatever it is Bruce does. Liz is... writing for the same paper as Todd and she does a blog and honestly, Liz sounds like she's drowning in her new life with Bruce aside from the sex.
I'm not sure if it's my dislike of this pairing, but I honestly get the feeling that Liz is fading into the background of her own life. Despite the fact that the SVH version of Chapter 2 drilled it into our heads that Liz helped decorate her own room, she doesn't help Bruce decorate what was to become THEIR home. It wasn't even played as a ploy to get Bruce and Jessica to spend time together. Instead it was "Liz has no decorating skills." o_O She roams restlessly through the mansion and seems ill at ease with the incredible wealth she's now living with... and I'm hoping this is dealt with, because as it is it's just sad. Liz seems incomplete and no amount of "But she loves Bruce and Bruce loves her!" is filling that void for me.
And then things go ass end up.
Bruce is accused of sexually assaulting an intern at a bar. Bruce's version of events is a serious case of "dude, you got duped and drugged" that no one's mentioned yet. Liz shifts into journalistic overdrive in her need to prove Bruce innocent. She runs to Jessica who shifts into... Kristy overdrive and becomes a PR genius as they plot Bruce's official statement in regards to the charges.
Liz noses around trying to figure out the truth, and as she does so, she sinks down to a new low when she pretends to be a therapist as she talks to the alleged victim. She realizes how wrong this is, but she's so sure this girl is lying that it doesn't matter. I dunno, Liz. Once you sell your soul, you can't get it back in the same condition...
The girl plays her like a fiddle and it never once occurs to Liz that if this is the set-up she's so sure it is, Warner (the guy Bruce just trumped in a land deal) would have supplied the players with the information to truly make this damning. He'd also fucking have a picture of Elizabeth Wakefield and make sure the girl who cried assault knew exactly what this chick looked like for when she came sniffing around. Liz goes on about what a small town SV is and I guarantee you that if Bruce is as big a player as he's supposed to be, Caroline's blog alone would have photos of them together. Seriously, Liz. Put on a cap or something. Disguise yourself beyond calling yourself "Laura Christer" from church.
I'm dead serious with that, btw. But she's always been horrible with aliases (I direct you for the first, last, and only time to the travesty of the Elizabeth series.) so I'll snicker at this instead.
We leave Liz with her head spinning over whether or not Bruce is guilty or not, and comforting the alleged victim who is begging for her help.
Now. We need a detour into uncanny Valley, so... Hey, Lila! What stupid thing does Frannie have you up to this week?
True Housewives of SV. Seriously. I'd hoped this was just a big lie. Sigh. Lila makes a big deal about dying her hair back to a darker version of her original brunette (and honestly, I always thought of Li as having dark brown hair anyway, descriptions and cover art be damned.) and we find out that the woman can read a room rather well. We also find out that she wants this so badly for classic Lila reasons.
Her father is besotted by Jessica's working genius. He adores Ken for being a star (and possibly for being awesome enough to stick around when Lila's a right royal bitch?) and the universe at large sees her as NFL star Ken Matthews' wife. Lila wants to be the star and she's willing to give up her privacy to achieve that.
After one day of filming it turns out she's willing to give up her husband, too. :/ Ken doesn't appreciate being made a fool of to further Lila's mad dash at stardom, but Lila was so wrapped up in being the star bitch of the show that she didn't realize what a mistake she was making until her husband finally left her.
There are some serious problems (one day is all it takes for Ken to run? The man stuck around when Lila was trying to divorce him but one day on a reality show is enough to break him? Sigh.) and I'm sure I'm not supposed to look too closely at the whole Bruce accused of sexual assault which is something super early SVH Bruce knew a thing or two about... but I am.
Thing is, it's entertaining which is something SVC so clearly wasn't 98% of the time. The romance falls pretty flat for me (oddly enough except for Lila/Ken) but we're off to a relatively good start.
I leave you with my notes as they happened:
Sweet Life, running commentary:
Oh look, Mr. Fowler's back to George. Huzzah!
Uh, why does Jessica have a fake fur laptop case? That just sounds tacky, ugly, and not really Jessica's style. Or anyone's. Am I imagining it wrong?
A decided lack of "likes" in the Jessica opening. Hallelujah! This manages to extend throughout most of the book, though Liz's attempt at college speak is laughably bad, though I'm going to pretend that was intentional.
Since when the blue fuck does Liz not eat red meat? And not entirely sure how I feel about Liz failing to be decent enough in French to get across the notion that pod!Liz here doesn't eat red meat.
2 year old should not be playing with LEGOs. So I'll pretend you meant Duplos. Seriously, Frannie. You trying to kill Jake already? Because Zizzie is gold. (Zizzie is what Jake calls Aunt Liz. And I'm still dying at the cuteness here.)
So. Enid is still the punching bag of the series. Joy. And the irony of Liz gossiping just as much as Caroline is lost on Liz. And possibly Frannie.
Since when do Liz and Jess have the same taste in music? Egads. EGADS.
Every Chapter 2 moment in SVH went on and on about Liz being the one to tastefully decorate her own bedroom and suddenly she has no taste for design? No redocorating skills and instead turns to the Hershey Bar creator... and Bruce? Liz feels lost in her own life, just an echo of who she should be.
Whatever Baby wants, Baby gets? Oh, Ken. I may have thrown up at that.
"attractive boyish looks" um... Toddles? She's a 35 year old woman, so maybe likening her to a boy isn't quite the compliment you think it is. Also, have you been hanging around Aaron and Steve a little too much? Or possibly not enough?
"Missy is on the phone. She wants to go over tables with you."
"Ugh!"
"I heard you. And stop rolling your eyes."
"You cannot possibly see my eyes."
"Still. Stop rolling them. She's only trying to be friendly."
Honestly, this reads as a scene from SVH of old. But I still can't buy the Liz/Bruce ship.
I thought SV Heights was housing but now it's an apartment? (Chapter 9)
...oh, Lila. Honey. No.
Didn't Jess lose her V card to Mike... her husband? Which isn't exactly the "get it over with" mentality, Frannie.
Laura Christer, Liz? Really? Well. You've always been horrible with aliases. *coughElizabethseriescough*
Lies and Ommissions
FP & Cara Lockwood (Franny had help!)
I don't have as much to say about Lies and Omissions for the most part. It's not bad by any means, given what it is and the fact that Lila on a reality show just screams "in what alternate reality?"
We open with Lila and Jess talking over one another about their issues. Ken still won't talk to Lila after walking out on her in the last installment and as is always the case, she knew not what she had until it was gone. I'm going to take a moment to be smug and superior and also quote for you:
"When he fell in love, he fell for her. Hard. How else to explain that when she tried to divorce him three years ago, he simply refused to leave? Okay, maybe not refused, but he hung around until she gave up talking to the lawyers. And then there were the looks he sometimes gave her, the ones that told her she was the goal line and he was coming across it, no matter what. Nobody else made her feel so worth... winning."
This feels vaguely familiar to me though um, that's a thought for another time. :p Anyway, Lila tries to get Jessica's attention but Jessica, as usual, has little time for Li. She's still stuck firmly in "Save Bruce Patman" mode, and when she mentions this to Lila, we get a John Pfeifer mention. Which is immediately undercut by the memory that isn't shared, and that's of the Lila/Bruce 'ship in SVU. Seriously, this ommission is going to be the death of me. *twitch* Without that history, Lila is firmly in the camp of the girl accusing Bruce of assault, but when Jessica gets a bit huffy, Lila lets it drop.
She then attempts to illicit some sympathy by reminding Jessica that her husband just left her, dammit. Jessica then switches over to pity over her own husband dropping her like a bad habit. Only, hey, look! He's sent a lot of texts trying to win her back!
To her credit, Lila doesn't smack Jessica or make good on her threat to break Jessica's iPhone... as I would have. Just as Jess is about to admit that the only thing standing between a Jess/Todd reunion is the whole sex with Liam escapade, Lila brings things back to her own troubles. Together, but apart, they decide to win their men back.
Lila's plan involves a slinky outfit and ambushing Ken after a game. Unfortunately for Lila, her plan fizzles when Ken isn't ready to be won over. Instead he drives off with another Housewife, leaving Lila to make a horrible, HORRIBLE decision.
You know what every good soap opera needs, right? That's right. Someone to claim they're preggers when they aren't. And Lila figures she'll take this moment to dig her own grave. Now, I admit I don't watch much reality TV... but I'd imagine it's taped months in advance. Maybe only a couple, but it's not an instant thing, but when Lila drops her "Ken left me for Ashley and I'm pregnant!" bombshell it's as if it's airing ASAP. o_O Um... k?
If you need me, I'll be shrieking in horror over here in the corner.
Jessica's big plan is to call Todd and invite him out for dinner. He agrees and dinner goes so well that they're talking moving back in together. Jessica excuses herself to use the ladies' room and Todd gets a text from Caroline.
Caroline wasn't thrilled when Jessica threw her out of her house, so she gets her revenge by using the gossip she picked up about Liam/Jessica hooking up (pictures of a very drunk Jessica leaning on Liam as they wait for the elevator to take them up to his room to do bad things to one another included.) Todd is pissed as hell because he retained his virtue... and because Jessica lied to him.
Again.
Oh, btw, I'd feel worse for him but he's willing to let Jessica drop the first job that's actually good for her just to soothe his stupid ego. She quit her job right after the MeanGreen event that she put together, all for Todd. Congrats, Jess.
Liz could have talked her out of quitting, maybe, but didn't because she's still not herself. At all. This go round she's still pretending to be Laura Christer and she offers to help Robin, the girl who has accused Bruce of sexual assault, move to a little cottage-y house near Robin's church. Liz pays for it and everything, but she's still not sure what's going on.
Hey. Liz. You want my official guess? I've got two and both make you look like a dumbass.
1) Robin got paid to accuse Bruce and she accepted because she needed the money and the water works now are because she feels guilty.
2) She's playing everyone and is still getting paid off by Warner.
It's sad that they even reference Bruce's um... episode with Liz from Dear Sister and I'm still willing to believe him more than Liz is. Also, I'm fairly certain Liz is rewriting history when she remembers the event, but hey. It happens.
Anyway, because Liz is pulling away from him and being so slow in figuring out who's accusing him of a crime he didn't commit, Bruce has hired a P.I. to get to the bottom of this mess. P.I. finds Robin but hasn't found out that Liz's name is on the lease, so he gives Bruce the address and Bruce, who is very drunk, makes the stupid ass decision to go and bang on Robin's door at 2am. He breaks a window, the cops are called, and hey. The neighbors all have cell phones and we end with Bruce realizing he's just fucked up royally.
Book 2 is shorter than Book 1 and it feels like it. Lies and Omissions is the "you idiots!" installment.
No cuts! Never forget a day that might live in infamy!
I'll see you all on the other side. Godspeed, my friends.
eta: Thoughts/mini reviews of both have been added.