I hope you know how I suffer for you

[gossip_oracle]

Double Love
April 2008



The biggest change is the dialog. This is probably the biggest selling point for the revised editions. While some things still fall flat [or ring totally untrue, namely Liz's overuse of "ohmigod!"] for the most part the updates work. There's a bit too much reliance on pop-culture references, but that's pretty much going to be a personal preference for most people. I think it's a little much, some people probably think it could use a little more. But the story benefits from the tweaking. The twins don't seem quite as squeaky clean and Sweet Vally doesn't feel so much like a bubble at the moment. Granted, a lot of this is probably stuff you could have re-written in your head as you went along.

But honestly, you're here for what's different. So, let's begin.

• If you've been under a rock, you missed the twins shrinking to a size four, which is ever so perfect. I know it pisses a lot of people off that the insinuation is that a size six is fat now, but I fully expected them to be dropped to a zero, or possibly a 2, so a four is a nice enough surprise for me.
• The Fiat is a red Jeep Wrangler, which makes me wonder what the twins would upgrade to, if they continued revising the entire series. Since it's doubtful that'll happen, I suppose there's no harm in giving them their other mode of transportation early.
• Bruce is driving a "sleek black Cadillac XLR Roadster covertable." Yeah, cuz Bruce would give up his Porsche and his vanity plate. Honestly, they could have switched the car so long as he got his damn vanity plate, but I fail to see how a Porsche is anything other than timeless. Y'know, for a pimp car, and all.
• Rick Andover drives a "pimped-out electric blue VW Eos" complete with running lights and racing stripes.
• Also, Rick doesn't take Jess to Kelly's, instead he takes her racing out on Coast Road, and before his extremely drunken ass can kill them both at high speed, the cops show up. Emily Mayer's older brother [not an uncle] is the one to bring "Liz" home, and Caroline doesn't need to wait to get to her princess phone. She's got a cell phone. That little bit was total Gossip Girl.
• The Droids? Are now Valley of Death. What. The. Fuck. Dana's fun punkish ways seem to be lost as she's described as in her usual baggy and black clothing. Her blond hair is dark, and she's attended the eyeliner convention. She's also very fight the power. If the real Dana could stand up, that'd be awesome. She didn't need to be fixed, bitches.
• The mystery of Todd's football origins is cleared up, as he's now mentioned as being the star wide-receiver of the football team as well as the captain of the basketball team.
• Tricia's no longer at SVH, whereas before she was a Senior. Also, Liz refers to SVH as "Valley" which is just stupid. Tricia's hair is no longer strawberry blond, or any real variation thereof. The sad thing is, I'm not sure if this was an intentional change or if someone just didn't understand that auburn does not equal anything resembling strawberry, or reddish blond. There's a reason Nancy Drew's hair tended to avoid that particular description.
• Mr. Martin is not only the town drunk, but he's also a dealer now! Score? Betsy, however, is still a slut, and presumably a crackwhore as well. But then, I don't like Betsy, so my view may be biased. Anyway, Mr. Martin's been to rehab and is trying to get clean. Where, I ask, is the fun in that? He's not some hot, young celeb-utaunte, so it's not like that.
• Also, Tricia doesn't dump Steven for the reasonable "You're ashamed of me, asshole" bit of old. Instead... it's that he doesn't understand her responsibilities to her family. Um, new!Trish? I think I'd like to introduce you to my fist. Shut it, Martin. This is one of the few times I feel compelled to point out that old school logic actually worked... better. How is that possible? Ah well, Steven doesn't fight her on their breakup because he feels that maybe being involved with Tricia would be a little messy. Yeah, you think? His parents talk some sense into him as in days of old, and we're back where we started, more or less. Only Mr. Martin's in AA these days.
• Mr. Fowler is rumoured to have had Botox. This is disturbing on so many levels that I just can't even go there, honey.
• Rick still carjacks the twins, only this time he throws Jessica's cell out the window when she attempts to call for help. They still scream for help and Todd still comes to the rescue down at Kelly's, which has gotten seedier over the years.
• The knife to my heart is the Dairi Burger is now Casa del Sol. Kay, Random house? There's a reason people flock to places called "The Dairi Burger" and "1bruce1" and that's because these things are iconic images of Sweet Valley. It's that simple. Casa del Sol, or as I shall think of it "Bueno Nacho, the lesser" is a cheap Mexican place with a liquor license. The DB oozed charm and cheese; that was it's allure. Casa del Sol doesn't really sound like a hangout, y'know? I miss my DB, the clam special and all.
• Also, not a damn mention of PBA. I don't think I can live in a world without a proper PBA. It just ain't right, and yeah, I know it's coming, but still. Gag to what they'll be doing to the bitches of SVH.
• To completely eradicate all mention of reddish blonds in the Valley, Mr. C is just simply sandy blond. Shame, I've got a thing for redheads, and this new SVH is sorely lacking. I think I'll sue. It's obviously discrimination!
• Oh, and we all knew the tux outfit wouldn't make it out alive. It didn't. It's been replaced by a frickin' J.Crew skirt. And diamond earrings Liz spent the previous summer saving up for. And some red shirt or something, I dunno. By this point I knew what was coming and lost interest.
• Not a single 137. I think "You suck" may be the new 137. Sigh.
• Liz is studying Spanish, not French. Again, not that it'll really go that far, but it would really make going to France difficult for Spanish class. Also, the teasing Ken should get in the next book [don't tell me!] would be... different. No true meaning of French-kissing, eh?
• Jessica knows full well that Liz and Todd are interested in one another, right off the bat, and willfully destroys their chances at happiness, unlike the original where she guesses Todd isn't interested, but figures he's just mistaken and one he gets a taste of Jessica, he'll never wanna go back. Also, she originally offers to give Todd up to Liz and Liz turns her down. 2008 Jessica doesn't do any such thing.
• Liz spent a lot of the original crying. I mean bursting into tears at a moment's notice, and while I understand that she's a teenager and things aren't going her way, it was a little distracting to say the least. While she's still ready to do the honorable thing and die if Jess and Todd want one another, she doesn't flounce around the book bursting into song tears. Yay?
  

So, there you have it. The new books actually made me laugh aloud when I think I was supposed to, but they gutted my soul in the process, so... trade off. Classic Sweet Valley is cotton candy for my mind and soul. New Sweet Valley is a candy bar. More filling, but the odds of it making me sick are that much higher.

Also, the cover? Kinda fugly upon too close an inspection. Those trees aren't green, they're suffering from radiation poisoning.