(no subject)
So last night was interesting. Went to Deja Vu with Mike and partook in the beautiful thing that is $5 bottomless wells. A screwdriver, long island ice tea and vodlka and cranberry juice later I was feeling pretty good. After The Vu Lola, Mike, Maame and i went to Tonic. Tonic was AMAZING. Packed to the brim. Music was hot. I guess everyone just needed to let loose before finals week. I met Derek. He is just as crazy as he seems online. He's way cuter than he looks in pictures. Damn. He is such a player though. It just sucks becuz he really cute and soo incredibly fun but just soo not someone ready for or wanting a relationship. His friends are funny too. I just danced with him and his two best friends all night and i felt really cool as pathetic as that sounds. He went out again tonight and I really wanted to see him again but I don't have the money or the desire to drink again tonight. He's leaving tomorrow though which sucks. It would be cool if I could go down to springfield and visit him one weekend. But, its like 4 hrs away soo id have to find someone up for a road trip. *sigh* I NEED a car. Soo, the night was good but then when I got home Matt IMed me and I talked to him becuz I was drunk. I said things I wouldn't have said sober. Told him I missed him (goodbye Pride). Just makes me really upset that I like (ed?) him sooo much and i am still not over him yet but he's already move on and has found someone else. It feels like a knife to the heart. I had dinner with a friend and her bf the other night. They are soo cute together. It seemed like there were nothing but couples around us...and it just made me think again as I have so many time b4 why I always have to be the one on the outside looking in. Why can't I be part of the couple?? Aaron called me tonight asking if I knew of any parties. I can't believe he called me and what makes me sadder is how excited I was for him to call. He never even treated me well and I still would be with him if he wanted me. I am just so sick of chasing guys and never being chased. Of always giving more than I get. Derek texted me and asked me if I wanted to do something things that I am not particulary comfortable with. But instead of me thinking he was wrong to ask me that I felt bad that I said no. I beat myself up and wondered why I couldn't be cooler, more fun...up for anything. I think thats why I like him. Becuz he is up for anything, confident, cool, fun..everything I feel is lacking in myself. I felt honored to be around him...honored for him to pay so much attention to me and for him to introduce me to his friends. I guess I kinda felt that way with aaron too. Honored. I wish I could learn to view with a bit more esteem and stop feeling lucky if someone pays attention to me. I just feel like I have so many things about myself i need to fix....its overwhelming.