Bread That Makes WonderBread Feel Like LoserBread
Let's talk about bread for a second here.
I love bread. I love the idea of bread. I love eating bread, making bread, talking about bread, writing long, rambling lyric essays about bread, relating bread to writing, and love, and existence and society as a whole. I have more feelings about bread than I have feelings about Tom Hardy. And I would hug every single atom of Tom Hardy individually if I could. I would hug every ounce of Tom Hardy that exists, but not in a weird serial killer goopey butchery kind of way. Which no one was thinking of until I mentioned it. I have a ludicrous amount of feelings about bread. If you get me drunk, I will try and drunk dial bread. For Valentines Day my dudefriendbro got me flours and I needed to have a lie down.
This is mostly the fault of Reading Rainbow and Sesame Street who, one fair day, decided to focus on bread and toasters, respectively, on a day where my house had no bread, which awakened a fierce craving in my tiny self, and, perhaps, if one of my had gone to the grocery store in a reasonable time frame I would have become a mechanic or something, but no. I sat there consumed with lust for the rest of the evening. Lifetime. Thing.
I will spare you my verbose and slightly disturbing breadfeels in exchange for making some bread, because making stuff you can shove into your face is a brilliant idea. Do not be frightened. We'll get through this together.
(We'll be working with Peter Reinhart's recipe from The Bread Baker's Apprentice because that man is the Carl Sagan of baking.)
Sponge (a sponge makes things easier. Go with me on this.)
2 1/2 cups (11.25 oz) unbleached bread flour (I really must insist on bread flour. I know you probably already have all purpose flour kicking around, but the all-purpose is a lie. A dirty, filthy lie. Bread is about the delightful gluten bonds, and if you have a low gluten flour, you're just making this job harder. High gluten flour is the different between an even, uniform texture of crumb (the inside of the bread, versus the crust.) or an uneven Quasimodo like hunchback of a crumb with a giant gaping hole on top which you and your shame can move into and live in. YOU AND YOUR SHAME. Also unbleached, because a.) you shouldn't eat bleached things b.) it is better for you with the nutrition and the deliciousness c.) you're doing what I tell you to, unquestioningly, like good little minions.)
2 teaspoons (.22) instant yeast (if you don't have yeast, don't get "fast rise' yeast. We do not want the yeast to rise quickly. A lot of tricks of artisan bread are to get the yeast to rise slower, so the water has time to break down the enzymes in the wheat and flavors have time to unfold. If you already have yeast, use what you have (assuming it is not expired. Check. Do yourself that favor.) even if it is fast rise, because I don't like making people buy things when they don't have to. But. You know. For your knowledge)
1 1/4 (12 oz) whole milk (MILKFAT IS IMPORTANT. It makes for a creamier crumb and better sandwich bread. WHOLE MILK, you can buy them in pints. I realize I'm undercutting what I just said with the yeast. I REALIZE THIS.) at 90-100 degrees F, or whatever that is Celsius. Heat helps the yeast to wake up and do shit. Get a thermometer, but if you don't have one, think "really nice soaking temperature for bath water"
Dough
1 2/3 cups (7.5 oz) unbleached bread flour (BREAD FLOUR.)
1 1/2 teaspoons (.38 oz) salt (to calm the yeast's beans so it doesn't go crazy on us. Yes. That is why salt is always in bread recipes. So the yeast calms it's goddamn shit. Sometimes recipes don't have salt so you can put less yeast in, so there's a longer rise time, so the flavor of the wheat is more apparent. A lot of flavor of bread comes from the fermentation of yeast, BUT MORE OF IT SHOULD COME FROM DELICIOUS DELICIOUS WHEAT ENZYMES.)
3 tablespoons (1.5 oz) white granulated sugar (for the yeast to eat. NOM NOM SUCROSE SO WE MAKE CARBON DIOXIDE OH YAS.)
1 large (.65 oz) egg yolk. Not egg white. Not egg beaters. Not all of an egg. An egg yolk. The egg yolk is the part of the egg with the fat. The egg white is the part with the protein. We want the lipids to make the bread all tasty and goodtimes. For your records is a video about how to separate an egg or you can crack that [insert five minutes of me trying to think of a word like "bitch" that is not bitch because I don't want to use bitch anymore, and failing] into your hand and let the white drip out of your slightly spread fingers. Which is gross, but effective.)
1/4 cup (2 oz) softened butter. The recipe says you can use other things. The recipe is lying. You will use butter. And it will be soft. SOFT. BUTTER. BUTTER AS YIELDING AND WEAK AS MY SELF CONTROL AROUND BUTTER.
We're making a sponge because yeast is a biological leavener. Yeast is a living creature which we are going to exploit for it's carbon dioxide making abilities and then kill, because we are the victorious and vicious Gods of our little baking universe. And before we cruelly cook it to death, we need to nurture and care for it, carefully guiding it into a beautiful paradise full of tasty warm things, so it will grow and prosper. A sponge is one of the ways to do it. You know right away if a sponge is working or not. You don't make the dough and come back and hour later to the same size hunk of failure you started with. You make a sponge and five minutes later it will froth like all the dead mermaid seafoam and you will know that it is good and you have activated the yeast into a feeding frenzy.
Mix together the yeast and the flour in a 4 quart bowl (with a whisk if you have a whisk and if you don't have a whisk for the love of God why do you hate whisks?). Or the bowl you're going to make bread in. Like a stand mixer bowl, as we'll be adding everything else to this sponge as opposed to adding the sponge to something else. I have no idea how many quarts my mixing bowl holds. I have never taken it out drinking.
Stir in the milk until the flour is hydrated and wet and ready for it (What? What?). Dig in there deep to make sure you get it all. Flour is wily.
Cover with plastic wrap (plastic wrap protects it from vicious beasts and dehydration) and leave at room temperature (which is, again, somewhere around 60-70 degree F. If you live somewhere particularly cold (and keep your house particularly cold, because you are a seal) turn your oven to warm until it preheats, turn it off (TURN IT OFF) and put the sponge in there. Sponge's cannot just put on more sweaters. Sponge's need your sultry heat.)
Let live for 45-60 minutes, or until the sponge froths and swells like you think maybe you need to take it to the Doctor. Like. Seriously dude. You're aerated like a field of green beans. You need to get that seen to.
-add the flour, salt, and sugar to the sponge with a large metal spoon and your arm muscles, or your stand mixer and your tears about how weak you are and how people need to stop making fun of how weak you are, and how that one time you tried to join skiing to get some arm muscle BUT LO, YOU WERE TERRIBLE AT IT AND IT WAS COLD AND WET AND THE WORST EVER. WORST. EVER. So all you have is you participation award and your KitchenAid mixer and everyone can suck it with the paddle attachment. Not the dough hook. Do not use the dough hook. Now is not the time for the dough hook. We have not yet reached Captain Hook state yet. That Crocodile has not gained a taste for our delicious flesh. We just have this paddle. Which. I. Um.
-Add the egg yolk and butter with the paddle attachment or your arm beast sweat.
-Mix until all the flour is absorbed in the mother dough beast and it forms a soft, supple ball. If it seems to stiff and proper add more water. If it clings to everything like the most terrified of baby koalas, add more flour. You should be able to pick it up with your hands and put it down and not have bread dough glove hands.
-KNEADING! You can either be lazy and mix the dough on medium speed (MEDIUM. NOT HIGH. MEDIUM. THAT IS: IN THE MIDDLE) with the dough hook of hooking dough, adding flour if the dough is too sticky (the dough should completely clear the sides of the bowl, but still stick to the bottom). If you are going to go all old school on that piece of beautiful, then this is a video showing you how to correctly knead dough because there is an incorrect way, and if you do it the incorrect way you and your shame bread can leave. It's not all punching and stroking and beating it down. You want to make sure the yeast is evenly distributed (so it rises evenly) and the gluten gets well developed (it's like muscle tissue. You gotta use it to...get...it. SHUT UP. SOMETIMES I CAN PICK THINGS UP. Like ~ladies~.) Shh. Just watch the video. Just do it.
-Oil the mixing bowl (spray oil works well. Or oil in a spray bottle.) and put the dough in there and roll it around like it's getting ready for a ~wrestling~ match. Get all good and oiled. That will stop it from forming a gross, unsightly crust and keep it all soft and supple and waiting for your dexterous fingers to make it feel good.
~cover with plastic wrap and let it ferment at room temperature/warmed oven temperature for 1 1/2-2 hours (bread takes awhile, but not a lot of it is active.) This is the first rising. It is a good rising. It should double in size. Do not be afraid to give it longer if it has not doubled in size. Waiting is okay. You want to wait until it is good for you. Do not rush it if you don't feel ready.
-Once doubled, remove the fermented dough and divide it in half for sandwich loaves. You can also make this dough into dinner rolls or burger and hot dog buns, BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW. Just delicious, delicious bread for sandwiches. Like BLTs. Or BLATs. Or cherrybina's famous PB&J sandwiches.
-Now, you don't just dump the dough into pans. No sir. You've got to form the dough. And here is Peter Reinhart himself how to form boules for your loaf pans. Peter Reinhart is amazing. He deserves eight million awards.
-Oil two 8 1/2 by 4 1/2 inch loaf pans (or the loaf pans you have. I don't think other people have a lot of carefully sized loaf pans. If you don't have loaf pans, you can make dinner rolls and eat those, by dividing your dough into 12 equal-ish sized pieces and rolls them like this because there is also a wrong way to roll dinner rolls. and then put them on two baking sheets covered in parchment paper) transfer the loaves/buns to their respective pans.
-Mist the top of the bread with spray oil to, once again, defend against the dreaded dough-crust. DREADED. Loosely cover with a dish towel or more plastic wrap. LOOSELY. You need to give the bread room to grow and bloom and become the beautiful, curvy, luscious creature it wants to be. Bootylicious bread, baby. You are not ready for it's jelly. It is also not ready for jelly. It is dough. Do not put jelly on dough. Unless you're making jelly rolls. Which we are not.
-Let rise at room temperature/warm oven temperature for 60-90 minutes or until it doubles in size again. This is the second rising. it gives bread time to develop that subtle nutty taste it so justifiably admired for. Never, ever, ever skip this rising. ]: (so serious biznis)
-Preheat the oven to 350 degree F (or 400 for rolls and buns, or whatever that is in Celsius) If you want you can make an egg wash by whisking one egg with a teaspoon of water until frothy and then brushing your bread with it. It helps give the bread and beautiful golden, shiny crust (like Bradley James' hair), but it is not necessary. Just a good idea. You can also score (by taking a REALLY SHARP KNIFE and GENTLY FUCKING SO GENTLY drawing line down the skin of the bread, SO IT JUST BARELY BREAKS, like the carefulest knife play) the loaves down the center and rubbing a little vegetable oil into the slit. (I am quoting my recipe book. Stop looking at me like that.) But that is also optional and I wouldn't suggest it for your first time.
-Bake the rolls for about 15 minutes or until they are golden brown and have an internal heat (this is when a meat thermometer is the BEST THING EVER. Seriously. Go get one. They are baller) of 180 F at the center.
-Bake loaves for 35-45 minutes, depending on various factors, like how well your oven regulated heat and what your loaf pans are made out of. Halfway through rotate your pans 180 degrees for even baking. Do not skip this step. I will know. The tops should be a delectable golden brown like Rumpelstiltskin just went badass crazy on those beauties, and the sides (when removed) should also be golden, but not to the same beautiful degree. The internal temperature should be 190 degree F (meat thermometers save you so much trouble and time and grief from not-fully-cooked loaves. I am so very serious. Also food poisoning. For when you cook actualfax meat) And when you thunk the bottoms of the loaves them should make a hollow noise (do you understand why I think bread is kinky yet? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?)
-When the loaves have satisfied all these requirements, remove them immediately from the pans and cool or a wire rack (or the counter, if you must) for about an hour before slicing and serving. I mean. You can do it for less. You should wait an hour like you should wait for wine to breathe, but hey. Sometimes you just need to go crazy on that wine, and you're by yourself, and everyone can suck it. Rolls should cool for 15 minutes before serving (that one is more of a they will burn you requirement)
-EAT DELICIOUS BREAD WITH YOUR MOUTH.
I love bread. I love the idea of bread. I love eating bread, making bread, talking about bread, writing long, rambling lyric essays about bread, relating bread to writing, and love, and existence and society as a whole. I have more feelings about bread than I have feelings about Tom Hardy. And I would hug every single atom of Tom Hardy individually if I could. I would hug every ounce of Tom Hardy that exists, but not in a weird serial killer goopey butchery kind of way. Which no one was thinking of until I mentioned it. I have a ludicrous amount of feelings about bread. If you get me drunk, I will try and drunk dial bread. For Valentines Day my dudefriendbro got me flours and I needed to have a lie down.
This is mostly the fault of Reading Rainbow and Sesame Street who, one fair day, decided to focus on bread and toasters, respectively, on a day where my house had no bread, which awakened a fierce craving in my tiny self, and, perhaps, if one of my had gone to the grocery store in a reasonable time frame I would have become a mechanic or something, but no. I sat there consumed with lust for the rest of the evening. Lifetime. Thing.
I will spare you my verbose and slightly disturbing breadfeels in exchange for making some bread, because making stuff you can shove into your face is a brilliant idea. Do not be frightened. We'll get through this together.
(We'll be working with Peter Reinhart's recipe from The Bread Baker's Apprentice because that man is the Carl Sagan of baking.)
Sponge (a sponge makes things easier. Go with me on this.)
2 1/2 cups (11.25 oz) unbleached bread flour (I really must insist on bread flour. I know you probably already have all purpose flour kicking around, but the all-purpose is a lie. A dirty, filthy lie. Bread is about the delightful gluten bonds, and if you have a low gluten flour, you're just making this job harder. High gluten flour is the different between an even, uniform texture of crumb (the inside of the bread, versus the crust.) or an uneven Quasimodo like hunchback of a crumb with a giant gaping hole on top which you and your shame can move into and live in. YOU AND YOUR SHAME. Also unbleached, because a.) you shouldn't eat bleached things b.) it is better for you with the nutrition and the deliciousness c.) you're doing what I tell you to, unquestioningly, like good little minions.)
2 teaspoons (.22) instant yeast (if you don't have yeast, don't get "fast rise' yeast. We do not want the yeast to rise quickly. A lot of tricks of artisan bread are to get the yeast to rise slower, so the water has time to break down the enzymes in the wheat and flavors have time to unfold. If you already have yeast, use what you have (assuming it is not expired. Check. Do yourself that favor.) even if it is fast rise, because I don't like making people buy things when they don't have to. But. You know. For your knowledge)
1 1/4 (12 oz) whole milk (MILKFAT IS IMPORTANT. It makes for a creamier crumb and better sandwich bread. WHOLE MILK, you can buy them in pints. I realize I'm undercutting what I just said with the yeast. I REALIZE THIS.) at 90-100 degrees F, or whatever that is Celsius. Heat helps the yeast to wake up and do shit. Get a thermometer, but if you don't have one, think "really nice soaking temperature for bath water"
Dough
1 2/3 cups (7.5 oz) unbleached bread flour (BREAD FLOUR.)
1 1/2 teaspoons (.38 oz) salt (to calm the yeast's beans so it doesn't go crazy on us. Yes. That is why salt is always in bread recipes. So the yeast calms it's goddamn shit. Sometimes recipes don't have salt so you can put less yeast in, so there's a longer rise time, so the flavor of the wheat is more apparent. A lot of flavor of bread comes from the fermentation of yeast, BUT MORE OF IT SHOULD COME FROM DELICIOUS DELICIOUS WHEAT ENZYMES.)
3 tablespoons (1.5 oz) white granulated sugar (for the yeast to eat. NOM NOM SUCROSE SO WE MAKE CARBON DIOXIDE OH YAS.)
1 large (.65 oz) egg yolk. Not egg white. Not egg beaters. Not all of an egg. An egg yolk. The egg yolk is the part of the egg with the fat. The egg white is the part with the protein. We want the lipids to make the bread all tasty and goodtimes. For your records is a video about how to separate an egg or you can crack that [insert five minutes of me trying to think of a word like "bitch" that is not bitch because I don't want to use bitch anymore, and failing] into your hand and let the white drip out of your slightly spread fingers. Which is gross, but effective.)
1/4 cup (2 oz) softened butter. The recipe says you can use other things. The recipe is lying. You will use butter. And it will be soft. SOFT. BUTTER. BUTTER AS YIELDING AND WEAK AS MY SELF CONTROL AROUND BUTTER.
We're making a sponge because yeast is a biological leavener. Yeast is a living creature which we are going to exploit for it's carbon dioxide making abilities and then kill, because we are the victorious and vicious Gods of our little baking universe. And before we cruelly cook it to death, we need to nurture and care for it, carefully guiding it into a beautiful paradise full of tasty warm things, so it will grow and prosper. A sponge is one of the ways to do it. You know right away if a sponge is working or not. You don't make the dough and come back and hour later to the same size hunk of failure you started with. You make a sponge and five minutes later it will froth like all the dead mermaid seafoam and you will know that it is good and you have activated the yeast into a feeding frenzy.
Mix together the yeast and the flour in a 4 quart bowl (with a whisk if you have a whisk and if you don't have a whisk for the love of God why do you hate whisks?). Or the bowl you're going to make bread in. Like a stand mixer bowl, as we'll be adding everything else to this sponge as opposed to adding the sponge to something else. I have no idea how many quarts my mixing bowl holds. I have never taken it out drinking.
Stir in the milk until the flour is hydrated and wet and ready for it (What? What?). Dig in there deep to make sure you get it all. Flour is wily.
Cover with plastic wrap (plastic wrap protects it from vicious beasts and dehydration) and leave at room temperature (which is, again, somewhere around 60-70 degree F. If you live somewhere particularly cold (and keep your house particularly cold, because you are a seal) turn your oven to warm until it preheats, turn it off (TURN IT OFF) and put the sponge in there. Sponge's cannot just put on more sweaters. Sponge's need your sultry heat.)
Let live for 45-60 minutes, or until the sponge froths and swells like you think maybe you need to take it to the Doctor. Like. Seriously dude. You're aerated like a field of green beans. You need to get that seen to.
-add the flour, salt, and sugar to the sponge with a large metal spoon and your arm muscles, or your stand mixer and your tears about how weak you are and how people need to stop making fun of how weak you are, and how that one time you tried to join skiing to get some arm muscle BUT LO, YOU WERE TERRIBLE AT IT AND IT WAS COLD AND WET AND THE WORST EVER. WORST. EVER. So all you have is you participation award and your KitchenAid mixer and everyone can suck it with the paddle attachment. Not the dough hook. Do not use the dough hook. Now is not the time for the dough hook. We have not yet reached Captain Hook state yet. That Crocodile has not gained a taste for our delicious flesh. We just have this paddle. Which. I. Um.
-Add the egg yolk and butter with the paddle attachment or your arm beast sweat.
-Mix until all the flour is absorbed in the mother dough beast and it forms a soft, supple ball. If it seems to stiff and proper add more water. If it clings to everything like the most terrified of baby koalas, add more flour. You should be able to pick it up with your hands and put it down and not have bread dough glove hands.
-KNEADING! You can either be lazy and mix the dough on medium speed (MEDIUM. NOT HIGH. MEDIUM. THAT IS: IN THE MIDDLE) with the dough hook of hooking dough, adding flour if the dough is too sticky (the dough should completely clear the sides of the bowl, but still stick to the bottom). If you are going to go all old school on that piece of beautiful, then this is a video showing you how to correctly knead dough because there is an incorrect way, and if you do it the incorrect way you and your shame bread can leave. It's not all punching and stroking and beating it down. You want to make sure the yeast is evenly distributed (so it rises evenly) and the gluten gets well developed (it's like muscle tissue. You gotta use it to...get...it. SHUT UP. SOMETIMES I CAN PICK THINGS UP. Like ~ladies~.) Shh. Just watch the video. Just do it.
-Oil the mixing bowl (spray oil works well. Or oil in a spray bottle.) and put the dough in there and roll it around like it's getting ready for a ~wrestling~ match. Get all good and oiled. That will stop it from forming a gross, unsightly crust and keep it all soft and supple and waiting for your dexterous fingers to make it feel good.
~cover with plastic wrap and let it ferment at room temperature/warmed oven temperature for 1 1/2-2 hours (bread takes awhile, but not a lot of it is active.) This is the first rising. It is a good rising. It should double in size. Do not be afraid to give it longer if it has not doubled in size. Waiting is okay. You want to wait until it is good for you. Do not rush it if you don't feel ready.
-Once doubled, remove the fermented dough and divide it in half for sandwich loaves. You can also make this dough into dinner rolls or burger and hot dog buns, BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW. Just delicious, delicious bread for sandwiches. Like BLTs. Or BLATs. Or cherrybina's famous PB&J sandwiches.
-Now, you don't just dump the dough into pans. No sir. You've got to form the dough. And here is Peter Reinhart himself how to form boules for your loaf pans. Peter Reinhart is amazing. He deserves eight million awards.
-Oil two 8 1/2 by 4 1/2 inch loaf pans (or the loaf pans you have. I don't think other people have a lot of carefully sized loaf pans. If you don't have loaf pans, you can make dinner rolls and eat those, by dividing your dough into 12 equal-ish sized pieces and rolls them like this because there is also a wrong way to roll dinner rolls. and then put them on two baking sheets covered in parchment paper) transfer the loaves/buns to their respective pans.
-Mist the top of the bread with spray oil to, once again, defend against the dreaded dough-crust. DREADED. Loosely cover with a dish towel or more plastic wrap. LOOSELY. You need to give the bread room to grow and bloom and become the beautiful, curvy, luscious creature it wants to be. Bootylicious bread, baby. You are not ready for it's jelly. It is also not ready for jelly. It is dough. Do not put jelly on dough. Unless you're making jelly rolls. Which we are not.
-Let rise at room temperature/warm oven temperature for 60-90 minutes or until it doubles in size again. This is the second rising. it gives bread time to develop that subtle nutty taste it so justifiably admired for. Never, ever, ever skip this rising. ]: (so serious biznis)
-Preheat the oven to 350 degree F (or 400 for rolls and buns, or whatever that is in Celsius) If you want you can make an egg wash by whisking one egg with a teaspoon of water until frothy and then brushing your bread with it. It helps give the bread and beautiful golden, shiny crust (like Bradley James' hair), but it is not necessary. Just a good idea. You can also score (by taking a REALLY SHARP KNIFE and GENTLY FUCKING SO GENTLY drawing line down the skin of the bread, SO IT JUST BARELY BREAKS, like the carefulest knife play) the loaves down the center and rubbing a little vegetable oil into the slit. (I am quoting my recipe book. Stop looking at me like that.) But that is also optional and I wouldn't suggest it for your first time.
-Bake the rolls for about 15 minutes or until they are golden brown and have an internal heat (this is when a meat thermometer is the BEST THING EVER. Seriously. Go get one. They are baller) of 180 F at the center.
-Bake loaves for 35-45 minutes, depending on various factors, like how well your oven regulated heat and what your loaf pans are made out of. Halfway through rotate your pans 180 degrees for even baking. Do not skip this step. I will know. The tops should be a delectable golden brown like Rumpelstiltskin just went badass crazy on those beauties, and the sides (when removed) should also be golden, but not to the same beautiful degree. The internal temperature should be 190 degree F (meat thermometers save you so much trouble and time and grief from not-fully-cooked loaves. I am so very serious. Also food poisoning. For when you cook actualfax meat) And when you thunk the bottoms of the loaves them should make a hollow noise (do you understand why I think bread is kinky yet? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?)
-When the loaves have satisfied all these requirements, remove them immediately from the pans and cool or a wire rack (or the counter, if you must) for about an hour before slicing and serving. I mean. You can do it for less. You should wait an hour like you should wait for wine to breathe, but hey. Sometimes you just need to go crazy on that wine, and you're by yourself, and everyone can suck it. Rolls should cool for 15 minutes before serving (that one is more of a they will burn you requirement)
-EAT DELICIOUS BREAD WITH YOUR MOUTH.