Double meaning to the word "Spam" is go: RECIPE TIME!
When I'm not wasting my life dicking around on the internet or emotionally scarring people on the MS Paint meme (sorry, Ant-Man's mun!), I like cooking things. And I decided I wanted to share one of my recipes with you guys. It's hash! Hash is basically whatever you can pull out of your fridge at any given point in time, and has the most simple preparation in the history of food:
A: Dump your shit in a pan.
B: Fry it until edible.
I love hash. Next to oatmeal, it's my favorite cold-weather food, and you can eat it wearing a flannel shirt and pretend you're Wolverine. (Not that I've ever done that.) So, I wanted to share my recipe. NOTE: This will give you heart disease.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED:
-An egg.
-Two slices of bacon.
-Cheese (pre-grated, or at least the kind you can grate easily).
-One small to medium-sized potato.
-One small to medium-sized onion, if you're into onions and don't think they have absolutely no goddamned place in breakfast food because you don't like associating a crunchy texture with mushy foods DON'T JUDGE ME OKAY
-Whatever seasonings you prefer (salt and pepper is the go-to, but I prefer hot sauce).
-A non-stick pan.
-A sharp knife.
-A grater.
-A spatula
-A cutting board.
Here's all the stuff I'm using, laid out for you guys to see and judge me by:
In case you were wondering, yes I can pull a potato out of the pantry at any given moment because I'm an Irish stereotype.
AVENGERS BREAKFAST, ASSEMBLE!:
So, here's my work station. All the stuff's laid out next to the pan, so I can cut it/grate it/what have you and just dump it in the pan.
Yo dawg, we heard you like cutting stuff, so we put a cutting board on your cutting board so you can cut while you recite old memes!
What you want to do first is slice your bacon up into pieces--about an inch in size will do. After you've done that, dump that into the pan and crank the temperature to medium heat. The coating on non-stick pans gives off fumes if the heat is too high, and you can't enjoy your breakfast if you're off in the emergency room!
You know, this looks a lot like how my face did circa high school.
After your bacon's all nice and cooked, drain off most of the fat and plop your bacon onto a paper towel to drain. I hope you saved some of that bacon grease, because you're gonna grate your potato into the pan, and that fat's gonna be mighty tasty. If you're using the onion, grate that into there too.
While your potatoes are cooking, grate yourself some cheese (I use about a palm's worth), and keep it on the sidelines for now. We want our potatoes to cook until they're starting to brown.
RORSCHACH TEST TIME: What do you guys see? I see a really janky-looking Mudokon hand.
Your potatoes brown yet? Okay, here's where you have to work fast. Crack the egg over the potatoes, and throw the cheese and the bacon and your seasonings in there too.
This looks like a pile of cat vomit.
STIR. RAPIDLY. It doesn't take a lot of time for the egg to cook. When you're sure everything is cooked through all nice-like, slide that pile of delicious yuck right onto a plate.
I stand corrected. NOW it looks like cat barf.
Dig in! The best part is that you can eat it with one hand (please make sure that this hand is operating a fork)! Here's some suggestions on what you can do with your free limb:
-Read a book
-Play Pokemon
-Make incendiary posts on message boards
-Practice sign language
-Pet your dog
So, C&Cers, I'm always looking to try new stuff. Got any recipes? Got any tag suggestions?
A: Dump your shit in a pan.
B: Fry it until edible.
I love hash. Next to oatmeal, it's my favorite cold-weather food, and you can eat it wearing a flannel shirt and pretend you're Wolverine. (Not that I've ever done that.) So, I wanted to share my recipe. NOTE: This will give you heart disease.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED:
-An egg.
-Two slices of bacon.
-Cheese (pre-grated, or at least the kind you can grate easily).
-One small to medium-sized potato.
-One small to medium-sized onion, if you're into onions and don't think they have absolutely no goddamned place in breakfast food because you don't like associating a crunchy texture with mushy foods DON'T JUDGE ME OKAY
-Whatever seasonings you prefer (salt and pepper is the go-to, but I prefer hot sauce).
-A non-stick pan.
-A sharp knife.
-A grater.
-A spatula
-A cutting board.
Here's all the stuff I'm using, laid out for you guys to see and judge me by:
In case you were wondering, yes I can pull a potato out of the pantry at any given moment because I'm an Irish stereotype.
AVENGERS BREAKFAST, ASSEMBLE!:
So, here's my work station. All the stuff's laid out next to the pan, so I can cut it/grate it/what have you and just dump it in the pan.
Yo dawg, we heard you like cutting stuff, so we put a cutting board on your cutting board so you can cut while you recite old memes!
What you want to do first is slice your bacon up into pieces--about an inch in size will do. After you've done that, dump that into the pan and crank the temperature to medium heat. The coating on non-stick pans gives off fumes if the heat is too high, and you can't enjoy your breakfast if you're off in the emergency room!
You know, this looks a lot like how my face did circa high school.
After your bacon's all nice and cooked, drain off most of the fat and plop your bacon onto a paper towel to drain. I hope you saved some of that bacon grease, because you're gonna grate your potato into the pan, and that fat's gonna be mighty tasty. If you're using the onion, grate that into there too.
While your potatoes are cooking, grate yourself some cheese (I use about a palm's worth), and keep it on the sidelines for now. We want our potatoes to cook until they're starting to brown.
RORSCHACH TEST TIME: What do you guys see? I see a really janky-looking Mudokon hand.
Your potatoes brown yet? Okay, here's where you have to work fast. Crack the egg over the potatoes, and throw the cheese and the bacon and your seasonings in there too.
This looks like a pile of cat vomit.
STIR. RAPIDLY. It doesn't take a lot of time for the egg to cook. When you're sure everything is cooked through all nice-like, slide that pile of delicious yuck right onto a plate.
I stand corrected. NOW it looks like cat barf.
Dig in! The best part is that you can eat it with one hand (please make sure that this hand is operating a fork)! Here's some suggestions on what you can do with your free limb:
-Read a book
-Play Pokemon
-Make incendiary posts on message boards
-Practice sign language
-Pet your dog
So, C&Cers, I'm always looking to try new stuff. Got any recipes? Got any tag suggestions?