Distance Nightmare 17/37

[gosgirl1]

Chapter 17 - Overwhelming

For the second time in an hour, Tony stood wrapped around Abby, reluctant to let her go. Despite her protestations that she was 'fine', her actions surely belied her words. She was clinging to him tightly and crying into his neck so how could she be fine?

Abby eventually drew back from the comfort of Tony's hug, wiping her hands over her face to help dry her tears. "I'm fine, Tony, honestly. I don't even know why I'm crying. They're happy tears not sad ones." Tony still looked doubtful as she continued. "I'm not upset about anything, really I'm not and I don't feel ill. I was really pleased to see everyone. It was just suddenly…"

"A bit overwhelming?" interjected Ducky, his smile understanding as he watched the two of them, seeing the worry on Tony's face.

"Yeah, Ducky. Isn't that silly?" Abby wasn't even sure why she'd broken down. Ducky's gentle hug had just crumbled her self control in seconds. She'd wanted nothing more than to get out of the bullpen away from everyone and lean on him in the welcome quiet of autopsy.

"Not at all, my dear. To be suddenly surrounded by so many people, however well meaning, was bound to be a bit too much too soon." Ducky had expected something like this and was thankful to get her down in his domain where she could have some privacy.

"I wasn't expecting to see so many people or to get so many presents… and just made to feel…" Abby's voice trailed off, sounding amazed.

"Special? But you are, my dear." Ducky shook his head with a fond smile. It was typical of Abby's modesty that she would be surprised at how much fuss everyone in the Navy Yard wanted to make of her. "Everyone was worried about you. They'd missed you. They are merely showing it in the only way they know how. But everything all at once is bound to be almost overwhelming."

"Perhaps you shouldn't have come in today, Abbs?" suggested Tony. As pleased as he was to see his friend, he didn't like to see her upset or looking so tired. Dark circles shadowed her usually vibrant green eyes and she looked drained, the dead giveaway in her body language being how slumped her shoulders were. She usually almost folded in on herself when she was exhausted, as if the effort to hold her shoulders back on her tall frame became too much.

Abby gave him a wan smile. "I wanted to see everyone, Tony. I've missed you all. Let me rest down here for a bit and I'll be…"

"Fine," Tony finished for her, smiling ruefully as he anticipated her response and not believing a word of it. "Yeah, I know."

"And besides, I needed to collect some stuff from my lab to work on at home and rescue Bert. Who knows what music the temp has been playing to his sensitive ears."

"Okay, okay." Tony held his hands up in defeat. "I'm sure if the boss couldn't persuade you to stay away, then it's useless me even trying." Tony let her change the subject, recognizing Abby's stubborn streak when it emerged. "We're ordering lunch in, I'll add you and the boss in and you can come and keep us company before you go."

"I'd like that, Tony and please get me a Caf!Pow, I'm suffering withdrawal symptoms." Abby kissed him on the cheek and Tony gave her a quick hug before leaving her with Ducky.

Sitting down opposite her, Ducky took the opportunity to take a closer look at Abby's appearance, noting the strain she was trying so hard to hide.

"Feeling better, my dear?" he asked gently.

"Yes, Ducky. I'm not sure why it was suddenly too much." Abby tried to be more honest this time. She knew that Ducky wouldn't be as easily deflected as Tony.

"It's only been two days, Abigail," he reminded her.

"So Gibbs keeps telling me," replied Abby, rolling her eyes.

Ducky chuckled at her predictable exasperation. "Feeling smothered by everyone?" She hated being fussed over almost as much as Gibbs did; in that, as in many other things, they were very alike, despite being outwardly so different.

"You're all doing a very good impersonation of mother hens." She sounded amused rather than annoyed, which Ducky was grateful for. Once she found all the advice being offered irritating, she was likely to stop listening at all.

"It's been very difficult for everyone, Jethro in particular," explained Ducky, wondering how much he should say. "Whenever you've been in danger before, he's been nearby… as we all have. In the past we've always been able to do something to try to help and to subdue our worry for you in actions. To be suddenly thousands of miles away and not be able to help was far worse." He remembered the worry he felt when he received Gibbs' phone call telling him Abby was missing, presumed kidnapped.

She'd seen Ducky talking to Gibbs in the bullpen, both of them looking strained and tired and wondered if that's what they'd been discussing. "I know, Ducky. I feel awful about that, about putting everyone through it," she admitted.

"It's hardly your fault, Abby, but it must have reminded Gibbs of being too far away to help Shannon and Kelly all those years ago." Ducky hesitated about making the analogy but it would do her no harm to realize just how much Jethro had suffered in the past few days, if she didn't already know. Once again, he wondered at the possible change in their relationship.

"You can't compare me with them." Abby sounded almost indignant.

Ducky looked thoughtful. "Can't I, Abby? I think you underestimate what you mean to Jethro."

"It's sweet of you, Ducky, but it's not the same… can never be the same." She knew she would never mean the same as Gibbs' first wife, but she was fine with that. Just having him care about her, love her, was enough. Or would be soon, if they could ever get time to progress this relationship where she was sure they both wanted it to go and spend some time together, just the two of them. Ducky's comment made her wonder too if the ME had spotted something, or if he just knew both of them so well that he would see any subtle change.

Rather than push the point, Ducky chose to change the subject. As well as examining Abby physically, he discussed the drugs that had been used and what she'd done since to manage the after-effects. Satisfied that she'd been sensible and that her appetite would come back in full force soon, he turned his mind to her mental condition.

Her bravery during her ordeal was astonishing and the way she was handling the aftermath was nothing short of inspirational, but also worrying that she was persistently trying to act normally. He suspected that Jethro's constant presence at her side over the past couple of days was responsible for how well she was coping so far, but she had to start letting it out at some point.

"I actually don't feel too bad today, Ducky," Abby admitted. "It's the first morning where I haven't felt too sick. My muscles occasionally feel sore and stiff but the pins and needles are only fleeting, a bit like a sudden 'ouch' rather than anything prolonged. I'm just tired… that's the overwhelming feeling. I'm looking forward to a weekend of doing very little, of trying to forget what happened. I just want to put it all behind me."

"I can understand that but you should also be proud of what you achieved, Abby," interjected Ducky.

"I'm not so sure about that, Ducky," she said, ruefully. "Getting myself kidnapped and nearly killed is hardly something to be proud of."

"You can't possibly blame yourself for that," Ducky felt moved to protest and reached for her hand to further emphasize his point. "He only targeted you because you were a threat to him. The work that you did just discovering him was remarkable in itself, although I can understand why you would think that might be tainted by subsequent events. But you will eventually be able to view the positives out of everything that happened rather than just focus on the negatives, I'm sure of it and I'll be delighted to keep reminding you if I need to."

Abby smiled gratefully at his attempts to cheer her up. "He was lurking on the blog for at least two months, Ducky. He was there all the time… right in front of me and I never saw it." She was finding it hard to get past that thought… that all the time she was posting and speculating, formulating her theories and struggling to get local police forces to take her theories seriously, the guy she was hunting was right there all the time, probably laughing at her.

"That just proves he was planning it for a long time and that he recognized what a threat you were from the beginning." Abby didn't look convinced and he knew that this could be one of the hardest aspects of her whole ordeal that she had to come to terms with. He went on, "What will you do with your blog?" Ducky was curious how she'd view what had always been something very personal to her.

"I'm not sure. I'm tempted to delete it entirely." Abby looked down at their joined hands, her voice sounding defeated.

He feared as such and was determined she wouldn't go down that route. "Don't let that be a victory for him, Abby. The forensics forum would be the poorer without your input and you know it. There must be precautions you can take to check out future posters?"

"Well, we can get all the identities checked out, like the LA team did when they narrowed down the search on… god, was it only Tuesday?" She shook her head with an incredulous laugh. It seemed like a lifetime ago. "Perhaps I should have done that before… I might have spotted him earlier if I had. You know, he even lured me to exactly the club he wanted me to go to and I walked straight into his trap. I made it so easy for him, Ducky." He could see tears beginning to shimmer in her eyes again and shuffled his chair nearer so he could put an arm around her shoulders.

Ducky continued, gently but firmly. "That does not mar what you did nor should it taint your greatest achievement, Abby. How many investigators, let alone scientists, can claim to have discovered an unknown serial killer? You solved 15 murders… that alone is remarkable."

"I know, Ducky. At least my mind knows that. Accepting the reality of it is a little bit different… much harder." Abby sniffed back her tears, leaning on her friend, grateful for the comfort and strength he was offering. She felt suddenly so tired, as if all she wanted to do was curl up and sleep.

Ducky nodded, squeezing her shoulder. "It's bound to be difficult or take time to accept when the reality of what he did and how close you came to death is still too fresh." He wasn't sure how much he should say but he knew Abby. She wouldn't want anything sugar coated and she would hardly need reminding of how near her close shave was with death.

"Did you see the footage?" Abby asked after a moment's silence.

"Yes, I did." It wasn't something he was ever likely to forget but had hoped not to discuss it right now.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, Ducky." She looked at him, concerned at the worry she could see in his eyes.

"It was nothing to what you were going through, my dear," admitted Ducky. "I can't begin to imagine what it must have been like. You faced him down with courage and dignity." She amazed him how she would always think of others first, even when reminded of her own terror and nightmare. Abby was truly a one-off.

"It didn't feel very dignified at the time." Her voice strengthened in determination. "That's not the end of it though. I need to know what he did to me in the hours before I woke. There's a whole night unaccounted for, Ducky."

Ducky paused before responding, feeling his way through to the best response. "I realize how important that would be, but you mustn't rush to add more stress to what you're already experiencing." He thought of what Jethro was going through several floors up, hopefully in the company of Ziva.

"Not knowing is more stressful, Ducky. I wish everyone would see that." Her eyes were bright with tears of frustration.

"We do see it but you must give it time." He needed to deflect her, not wanting to talk about it too much lest she start asking where the missing footage was and find out it was already here. It was hard to lie to Abby, her observational skills were almost as honed as Gibbs and very little got passed her.

"I've got nothing but time on my hands at the moment," she exploded, sounding angry, gesturing in her frustration. "I'm not allowed back in my lab all week. It'll drive me mad not to be doing something… anything."

"You know you must see the psych eval team first before you're allowed back to work, Abigail, even if you don't want to," reminded Ducky. "You heard the Director. That didn't sound like a request or a suggestion to me. And they may recommend further sessions with the agency psychologist."

"Yeah, I know but I'd far rather talk to you." Abby wrapped her arms round herself, sitting hunched over, a sure sign she was nervous or worried.

"You know you can do that at any time, Abby." The last thing he wanted her to think was that it was an 'either/or' option. Whatever she was obligated to do with the agency team, he was determined he would spend as much time with Abby as she needed. He wasn't able to do anything to help her when she was so far away, so he was damned if he was going to fail his friend now she was back home… both his friends. He was equally concerned at the effect seeing the footage would have on Gibbs.

"I just want things to be normal again," her voice was sad, almost lost.

"They will be… but you must just give it time." Aware he was repeating himself but it was all had to offer at the moment. "You are allowed time to heal, you know," he kept his voice reassuring as he stood and wrapped his arms round her in a hug, which she returned fiercely, wrapping her arms round his waist from her sitting position.

Abby didn't cry again but clung to Ducky tightly as he held her, rubbing his hands over her back soothingly, trying to convey as much comfort as she'd allow, both enjoying the relative peace and quiet of the moment.

When she pulled back some time later, her smile was brighter as she looked up at him, "Thank you, Ducky."

"You're welcome, my dear." He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "I didn't tell you anything you didn't already know, deep down." It was a first small step perhaps but Ducky was under no illusions that it was a long road ahead, more so when she finally saw the footage. He knew she would insist on it.

"Maybe but at least hearing you say it, I'm more likely to believe it," Abby told him.

The phone rang to interrupt and it was Tony calling with news that lunch had arrived. Ducky turned to Abby as he put the phone down. "Are you ready, Abby or do you need more time?"

Abby shook her head, stretching as she stood up. "I'm ready, Ducky." She hesitated on the brink of leaving. "Ducky, do you want to come round for dinner on Sunday? We could talk again then… if you're free of course."

"I'd love to, Abby, thank you. I'll also pop round tomorrow afternoon, just to check you're physically still okay." Ducky knew he couldn't wait till Sunday to talk to her about the video footage. Once she started questioning where it was and found out it was not only here already but that he and Gibbs had seen it, Abby would very likely be less than pleased. If he could talk to her about it tomorrow, then they could maybe plan how best to let her see it.

Abby rolled her eyes at what she felt was Ducky also starting to fuss, but before she could comment further, the door opened and Gibbs arrived.

Abby's eyes lit up at the sight of the tall figure, who typically dominated the room as soon as he entered it. She launched herself at him immediately and Gibbs caught her in a hug, folding her close.

Ducky saw Gibbs' face over her shoulder and he could see the strain that seeing that footage had caused. His eyes looked haunted. They stared at each other, neither finding the need for words.

If Ducky found it hard to watch something happening to a woman he thought of as the daughter he'd never had, how much harder would it be for Gibbs whose feelings for Abby were obviously so much stronger? He was never likely to forget it and Ducky cursed the Phantom not for the first time, wishing his friend had never seen it at all.

Gibbs drew back and Ducky saw his mask slamming back into place before Abby could read his expression. Gibbs cupped Abby's face in his hands, eyes roaming over her face seeing the evidence of her tears. "You okay, Abbs?"

"I'm feeling better, thanks to Ducky." Gibbs glanced over at Ducky and gave him a brief smile of thanks. Ducky saw her lean into his touch. "We were just going upstairs. Tony rang to say lunch was here and I'm just going to pick up a few things from my lab, and then we can go home."

Gibbs' face softened at the mention of home. "Sounds good." He moved his hands to her shoulders and squeezed.

Abby hesitated, seeing something in his face which worried her. "Are you okay?"

Gibbs sighed, "Yeah, just keen to get you out of here." He didn't want to reveal the real reason for the strain he feared was visible on his face. Abby knew him too well for his usual mask to work for too long.

Ducky interjected, seeking also to deflect Abby. "And not a moment too soon, Jethro. Go and have some lunch and then go home, the pair of you. I'll see you both tomorrow."

Gibbs nodded at him, trying to convey his gratitude silently. Abby turned to Ducky and gave him a quick hug of thanks before turning back to Gibbs, "I'll just go to my lab first and be up in a minute."

Gibbs joined his agents in the bullpen after a brief talk with Ducky. While they ate lunch, DiNozzo updated him on the case they'd caught this week. Fortunately, it had been a relatively simple one and even the depleted team had managed to solve it in two days, giving them all the prospect of finishing at a reasonable time for once on Friday… something they could all do with after what had happened to Abby this week.

When DiNozzo wound down in his sit rep, he voiced what he'd wanted to ask ever since Gibbs had arrived. "Is Abby really okay, boss?"

"Not yet but she will be, DiNozzo." Gibbs could see how worried his Senior Agent was. With no close family nearby, Tony had always viewed Abby as a kid sister and was almost as protective of her as Gibbs.

Before they could talk further, Abby arrived in the bullpen, arms full of files, clutching Bert and the new gift from Security. Dumping them on the floor between Tony and McGee's desk, she grabbed the Caf!Pow off Tony's desk like a lifeline and perched on the corner to work her way through a sandwich. Ziva and McGee had packed the cards and presents Abby had received into one box so she could take it away to look at later on.

As he worked through the paperwork on his desk, Gibbs kept a surreptitious eye on her. She looked tired but a bit more like herself in familiar surroundings. Soon, they could go home and he wasn't letting either of them out of the house till Monday at the earliest.

He also tried to keep an eye on Ziva, worried about the effect of seeing the footage but her mask was just as effective as his own. Gibbs could detect nothing more than the usual mix of amusement and exasperation at the antics of Tony and McGee, who were making even more strenuous efforts than normal to make Abby laugh.

Typically of course, Ziva caught him at it, giving him a warm smile when she caught his eye. Ziva suspected Gibbs would now be feeling guilty about asking her, in his usual habit of taking everyone's burdens onto his own shoulders. She wished he could understand there was no need for him to worry. This was something positive she could do for her friends, and that was far better than sitting on the sidelines worrying about both of them.

Meanwhile, it was good to see Abby relaxing again… although Ziva wondered how much of that was also a performance for the sake of the 'boys,' to prevent them worrying too much. It was something Ziva recognized that she did herself to deflect attention.

Snagging the bag of cookies, Ziva approached Gibbs' desk and she was able to talk to him quietly under the pretext of delivering a file.

"You okay?" Gibbs asked before she could say a word.

Rolling her eyes at him, she answered quietly, "At the risk of saying a word which is being overused at the moment, yes, I am fine. I wish I could be sure Abby was also. She keeps saying she is fine, but that is a word you both use when you are not fine but trying to hide it from everyone."

Giving her a knowing look for her too perceptive comment, Gibbs replied, keeping his voice equally soft, "She's been putting on that act in company for the past two days."

"I thought as much," Ziva nodded at Gibbs and moved back to her own desk. Tuning back into the conversation Abby was having with Tony, she couldn't help laughing as she heard Abby's next comment.

"I had to rescue Bert as well. I just couldn't leave him in the lab, the poor baby was being forced to listen to 'Manly Barrilow' music. Can you imagine the trauma?" Abby grinned as Tony snorted with laughter.

Gibbs suppressed a smile, listening to the banter rolling around him, quietly enjoying yet another feeling of being normal again.

"I need a favor, Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. I need your muscles." Abby smiled at Tony as she drained her Caf!Pow.

"But of course, gorgeous… all of them or just a select few?" Tony made a play of flexing his arm muscles, only to be cut off by Ziva snorting as she came over to collect more food.

"I thought there were only a select few, Tony," came the teasing comment.

"You wound me to the heart, Ziva. Ignore her, Abbs." Tony rocked back on his chair. "Name your muscle and it shall be yours."

Abby pretended to consider. "Well, it's probably your back muscles I'm gonna need."

"Really?" Not even the presence of a glaring Gibbs ten feet away could keep the suggestive smirk off Tony's face.

"Yup, I need something moving. The heat's out in my building… again," explained Abby, finishing off her sandwich.

"When are you gonna move out of that place, Abbs?" Tony disliked Abby's apartment building as much as Gibbs did, but they'd both failed spectacularly to persuade her to move out of it.

"Oh, don't you start Tony." Abby glanced over at Gibbs to see a familiar smirk at hearing his own remarks from earlier on echoed.

"It's true, Abbs. That place is a nightmare," Tony winced as he met Abby's glare. "Okay, I'll stop nagging… for now."

Ziva cut in, "I imagine Abby would like to decide when and if she moves, Tony. Everyone acting like mother chickens is not helping."

Tony rolled his eyes, "Hens, Ziva. It's mother hens."

Ziva cocked her head to the side, pretending to consider, "I think I prefer my version if we are describing you, Tony."

Abby giggled, sending a grateful smile in Ziva's direction as she succeeded in changing the topic, or thought she had until...

"Do you need a place to stay, Abby? You can stay with me if you like," offered McGee eagerly into the gap in conversation.

There was a moment of silence as Tony and Ziva exchanged glances and Abby looked momentarily discomforted. Gibbs froze, keeping his eyes down as he sipped his coffee, wondering whether he'd have to intervene if Abby was too uncomfortable. He needn't have worried…

"That's sweet of you, Timmy, but it's all arranged. I'm staying with Gibbs next week until the heat's back on." She knew McGee would be hurt by that but was at a loss how else to handle it at the moment… certainly not in full view of everyone in the bullpen. It looked like a conversation she would need to have with her ex-lover sooner rather than later.

McGee glanced across at his boss, trying to keep his reaction off his face.

Abby went on before the moment could get any more awkward. "Gibbs has also had a moment of madness and offered to let me move my TV and DVD recorder to his house while I'm staying, hence my desperate need for your muscles, Tony."

Thudding his chair to the ground in surprise, Tony glanced across at Gibbs. "Wow, are you feeling okay, boss?" He caught Gibbs' glare. "Of course you are. You want me and McMover to bring them over, Abbs?"

"Please, Tony." Abby tried her best 'head on one side innocent pleading face', knowing Tony was more than susceptible.

Tony smiled, "Sure thing, Abbs. Looks like we'll be finished here soon, we could drop them off later."

"That'd be great, thanks." Abby threw her arms around Tony in thanks.

Not that Abby intended doing anything like watching TV for some days to come, if she were honest. She had other plans for a certain Senior Special Agent and watching TV definitely wasn't one of them… if they ever got home… talking of which…

Stacking the last of the signed reports on his desk, Gibbs looked up as Abby approached his desk. "I've emailed my report to Hetty, Gibbs," she told him quietly.

"Okay," He knew it was one more official way of trying to put the whole experience behind her. "You ready to go?" he asked.

"More than ready," Abby admitted. "You'll have to help me carry some of this stuff."

Picking up the pile of files and the box of cards and gifts before she could think of handing him anything more… fluffy, Gibbs gathered as much as he could carry while Abby hugged everyone else goodbye, including McGee, who accepted her hug somewhat stiffly.

She made her way over to Gibbs waiting at the elevator and he eyed Bert and the new teddy bear she was obviously intending to take home, asking quietly, "Should I be jealous now?"

"Never." She rewarded him with a wide smile. "You can't tell me a big, strong Marine is worried by a farting hippo and a small bear."

"Nah," Gibbs paused. "I could take 'em," which earned him a giggle. He took a moment to drink in the sight of her lovely face, seeing her smile widen as she must have read the expression in his eyes. "Let's go home, Abbs."

McGee watched the pair as they boarded the elevator and the door closed, before turning to Ziva. "Do you think if the heat hadn't been out in Abby's building, she'd still have stayed with Gibbs?"

DiNozzo bit back a snappy comment when he saw the expression on McGee's face and let Ziva answer, the sympathy audible in her voice. "Yes, I do, McGee."

McGee sounded resigned. "Yeah, I think so too."

TBC