Distance Nightmare 35/37
Chapter 35 - Support
Balancing the box containing dessert, Abby climbed the stairs to Ziva's apartment and pressed the doorbell. After a quick sandwich and coffee with Gibbs, she'd slept well this afternoon. Several hours of solid sleep with no nightmares had left her feeling much better than earlier.
Gibbs hadn't arrived home by the time she'd left his house, but she'd heard from Ziva that their dinner was still on, as the team hadn't caught a case. The door soon opened to reveal a smiling Ziva, who beckoned her inside. As Ziva closed the door, she accepted Abby's one armed hug, while trying to peer into the package in Abby's arms, suspecting what it might contain. Taking Abby's backpack and coat, Ziva ushered her into the kitchen.
"Something smells good, Ziva," Abby told her, placing the box on the table.
"I remembered how much you enjoyed this dish last time, Abby, so I began cooking it yesterday." Ziva had made cholent, a traditional Jewish stew which had proven such a hit the first time she'd invited the team over for dinner, but had chosen chicken instead of beef in case Abby's stomach wasn't fully recovered.
Abby leaned over the stove, sniffing appreciatively, "I love this, Ziva, you're spoiling me."
"I think you are spoiling me too, Abby, if I recognize this box. Dessert I hope," asked Ziva, lips curving and dark eyes twinkling. Both women took their desserts very seriously.
"Totally. You're gonna love this, Ziva. Last time I had it, it was positively orgasmic."
Ziva snorted with amusement at Abby's description. "What is it?"
"It's called Devil's Food… look." Abby opened the box almost reverently to reveal a chocolate sponge and vanilla butter cream layered dessert that looked to contain about a million calories. Knowing Ziva's love of all things chocolate, not to mention her own liking for it, Abby thought it would be a delicious choice for dessert.
The wide smile which graced Ziva's lovely face told her she'd chosen well. "Wow, Abby. I am tempted to skip the main course entirely and just serve this."
"Oh no, you don't. I need feeding up. I'm starving."
Ziva laughed, holding her hands up in mock surrender, "Okay, okay. Dinner is nearly ready. Sit down and have some wine. We can talk while I finish."
"Just a little, I've got to drive back later." Abby poured for them both and sat down to watch Ziva as she moved round the kitchen with her usual graceful economy of movement.
Ziva glanced over at Abby periodically as she worked. "You look less pale than this morning, Abby. I was worried."
"No need to worry about me, Ziva. I do feel better after I went to bed this afternoon." At Ziva's teasing look, Abby laughed and wagged a finger. "No, Ziva, I went to bed to sleep… alone. Get your mind out of the gutter."
"I never said a word, Abby," Ziva shook her head, chuckling.
"No, but your eyebrows were very talkative."
Ziva snorted with laughter. "Well, I had better serve dinner then before they get me into any more trouble." Ziva sobered as she looked at Abby more closely. "You do look less tired and strained than you did last Friday."
"I just wish it was a steady improvement, Ziva, and in one direction… upwards. I seem to go up and down like a yo-yo. Yesterday I felt great and today… well, not so good earlier, as you know."
"Remember it has only been a week since you were rescued," Ziva pointed out, not unkindly.
"Yeah, I know," Abby nodded. It was a week ago today that she'd started the day in the hands of the Phantom fearing for her life and ended it sharing a bed with Gibbs facing a wonderful future… she couldn't remember a day that had been more of a contrast.
"Although your impatience is understandable," continued Ziva, evenly. "I would be the same."
"I know it'll take time, Ziva," Abby sounded frustrated. "I'm just not used to feeling like this."
"You are a strong woman, Abby. You will be fine… in time," Ziva told her with a reassuring smile. She dished up two steaming plates of food from the slow cooker and pulled bread from the oven which she'd had warming, and they both tucked in hungrily as they talked. "Although if my guess is correct, I think Gibbs may be at least partly responsible for the improvement in your health since last week."
Abby smiled, shyly. "I'd say he's totally responsible for it. I'm not sure I could have coped without him… without his strength… without him looking after me, as well as how things have changed between us. I'm assuming you've guessed about us? Everybody else seems to have, without us saying anything."
"Yes, Abby and I am happy for you." Ziva reached over to squeeze Abby's hand, smiling broadly. "This is the one positive thing to come out of what happened in LA. Gibbs has certainly seemed much more relaxed this week… more content."
"He makes me so very happy, Ziva," Abby told her, vivid green eyes shining and a bright smile lighting up her face. "We've been friends for so long and I'd given up hope he felt the same way I did."
"I was worried about him on the plane last week… the strain he was under," Ziva revealed, softly. "He hides it well, but I have learnt over the past few years that the less emotion Gibbs shows, the more he is actually feeling."
"I know," nodded Abby, with a rueful smile. "It's a trait he shares with you, Ziva. You've both mastered the art of being 'fine' even when everyone knows you're not."
"It is part of our training, Abby," explained Ziva.
"It's something I've often envied about you both," said Abby.
"No, Abby," Ziva shook her head, frowning. "It is not something to envy. Your way is far healthier in the longer term." Ziva paused before continuing thoughtfully, "Our training helps us to cope with the initial crisis but… it is perhaps not healthy to suppress things too much."
"Yeah, who comforts him and you while you're both comforting everyone else," asked Abby, quirking an eyebrow.
"For Gibbs, you do now, Abby, if he will let you close enough." Ziva smiled at her friend, fondly as she cleared their plates off the table. "Gibbs is a remarkable man… a natural leader. He manages to be both demanding and protective at the same time and even after several years, I am not entirely sure how he achieves that balance. I think that is partly why everyone is drawn to him."
"I've seen a lot of agents come and go over the years and he inspires fierce loyalty in all of them," said Abby, softly. "He's always been very protective… not just of me but everyone on his team. But with me he's just a… big, soft teddy bear."
Ziva chuckled, shaking her head, "Abby, that is not an image I want in my head when I sit at the next desk. I would have said more of a grizzled… " Ziva cocked her head to one side as she corrected herself, smiling, "no, not grizzled… grizzly bear."
"Oh, I dunno," laughed Abby. "Grizzled works just fine… especially with that silver hair."
Ziva joined in the laughter, pleased to see Abby looking more relaxed. She cut into the delicious dessert Abby had brought, serving a sizeable slice each of the chocolate and vanilla butter cream confection. Apart from appreciative moans, silence reigned for a few minutes as they savored the treat.
"How was Tim today?" Abby asked, after they'd both emptied their plates.
Ziva thought for a moment. "Subdued. But he will be alright I think. Tony has even been kinder to him this week than usual."
"Tony's a good guy, however much he tries to hide it," smiled Abby, fondly.
Ziva acknowledged the truth in that with a tilt of her head before pointing out, "But it is more important that you think of yourself, Abby." Abby's kind heart always meant that she thought of everyone else first and herself second. "Concentrate on healing. Is Dr. Hunter allowing you back to work?"
"Yup, she's recommending to Leon that I can come back Monday which is terrific, although Leon has the final say so I hope it's not a false hope," replied Abby, shrugging. "I can't wait to get back to my lab. I've got to attend at least two more sessions though, which is not what I wanted to hear but to be expected I guess." Abby glanced at Ziva, hesitating before she asked, "Did you find them helpful?"
Ziva paused briefly. "Partially."
Abby saw a shadow pass across Ziva's face as she gazed off into the distance. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry."
"It is alright, Abby," Ziva smiled at her reassuringly, rising to make them both coffee.
"How did you cope, Ziva…" asked Abby, softly. "How do you cope?"
"By not allowing it to take control of my life. Loss of control throughout was the worst aspect of all of it." Ziva didn't often refer to either her ordeal in Somalia or the aftermath and her struggle to heal physically, as well as mentally and emotionally. As always, she presented a calm front to the world that Abby suspected told only a fraction of the story.
Ziva gestured Abby through to the living room where she curled up in an armchair, Abby preferring to settle on the rug in front of the fire, next to Ziva's chair, staring into the flames.
Abby carried on after a few moments' thought, "That's exactly it, Ziva." Understandably, Ziva had gone straight to the heart of what bothered Abby the most about her whole ordeal, something she'd kept quiet about to everyone else. "I hated it…" Abby bit her lip, frowning, her voice husky. "Hated not being in control, right from when he kidnapped me in that parking lot to waking up and finding I wasn't able to move a muscle… and then when he threatened to rape me, and finally when he tried to kill me. I wasn't in control of any of it…" her voice faltered and she trailed off.
"Strong independent woman like us do not like to be reminded that control has been taken away from us, Abby." Ziva leaned forward in her chair, arms on her knees as she listened to her friend open up.
Abby glanced up at Ziva, biting her lip. "For some bizarre reason it reminded me of Mikel Mawr. I know it's a different situation but it just felt the same somehow… this being out of control. Those months when Mikel was stalking me, when I didn't know each day what I'd find when I picked up the phone or went out to my car in the morning."
"That was something else you coped with alone, if I remember?" Ziva thought back to Gibbs' and Tony's reactions to Abby's ex-boyfriend-turned-stalker… the resulting testosterone storm from both of them was fairly impressive and intimidating. She'd thought at the time that she'd have to restrain both Gibbs and Tony from tearing Mawr into small pieces.
"Don't remind me," Abby shook her head, pigtails swinging. "I thought Gibbs was going to have a seizure when he found out about Mikel."
"And you kept quiet before to protect Gibbs I assume?" murmured Ziva, thoughtfully, eyeing her friend.
"Yeah… all of you really. How d'ya guess?" Abby asked her, smiling ruefully at Ziva's perception. "I knew if Gibbs found out, he'd most likely do something which could only lead to trouble. Mikel has a way of goading people and Gibbs' temper is always on a short fuse."
"Especially when it comes to you, yes," replied Ziva, sipping her coffee. "But I see your point. In 'dealing' with Mawr, Gibbs may well have been the one arrested for assault."
"Yeah, Ziva," nodded Abby. "And I couldn't let that happen."
"You are as protective of Gibbs as he is of you," Ziva observed, smiling down at her.
"I'd do anything for him, Ziva," came Abby's soft reply. She was silent for a few minutes before continuing, quietly. "D'ya know what I hate the most about this, Ziva? That the Phantom still has such a hold over my life even now… even though he's dead."
Her voice cracked and Ziva saw a tear slip down her friend's cheek. When Abby looked up, her lost expression made Ziva's heart ache and she slid off her chair to sit next to Abby. Ziva wrapped an arm around her, trying to offer what comfort she could as Abby cried quietly, stroking her hair gently as Abby leaned her head against her shoulder.
When the flow of tears eventually eased, Abby accepted the tissue Ziva gave her gratefully, wiping her eyes and shooting Ziva a sad smile. "Does that feeling ever fade?"
Ziva gave her shoulder a squeeze, resting her head against Abby's. "Yes, it does. I was as eager as you for that feeling to go away, but it does take time and I learnt the hard way that it cannot be rushed."
Abby sniffed, rubbing at her eyes, leaving her mascara smudged. "I guess I'm just too impatient."
They sat quietly together for a while, both enjoying the comfortable silence. They had taken a long time to become close friends when Ziva first arrived, and it wasn't entirely due to Ziva taking Kate's place on the team. They were both very strong women and their personalities clashed. However, now their bond of friendship was solid and Abby loved her friend dearly, and trusted Ziva's instincts as much as she trusted Gibbs' gut.
And Ziva remembered how much Abby had looked after her when she returned from Somalia. Both Abby and Ducky had offered unconditional care and kindness without any pressure in those first few weeks as her physical injuries began to heal
Ziva eventually broke the quiet with another question. "How are the nightmares now?"
"Huh, still too frequent," Abby shrugged, ruefully. "Guess I'm stuck with them as well for a while."
"They will fade but not for some time, I suspect, Abby, and they will ambush you when you least expect it… when something triggers a memory or a flashback." Ziva hugged Abby before rising gracefully to her feet. She collected their mugs and poured them both a refill of coffee, which Abby accepted with a slightly brighter smile.
"I'm sorry you had to see that footage, Ziva," she said after a while.
"I am not," Ziva threw her a sympathetic smile as she sat next to her on the rug again. "It was necessary and Gibbs needed support, even if he would never easily admit it." They exchanged rueful smiles. "And how do you feel now you've seen it?"
Abby paused to consider a moment, head on one side. "Relieved."
"I am guessing Ducky and Gibbs had trouble understanding why you would be relieved," suggested Ziva, seeing Abby's slight nod of agreement. "In the same way they found it difficult to accept that you needed to even see the footage in the first place. I told Gibbs that you were strong enough to see it and that you needed to see it, as I would have wanted to had our positions been reversed, Abby."
"Yeah, I'm just relieved coz it could have been worse… a lot worse," Abby drew her knees up, hugging them to her chest as she gazed intently into the fire.
"And you would be right." Ziva's warm voice was comforting. "I said as much to Gibbs when we saw the footage. I am not surprised both he and Ducky would think that way… any of our over-protective males would do so." She saw Abby's small smile at her description. "As women, we see it differently."
"I remember what he threatened me with, Ziva. How did he phrase it? 'Buy another night of life,' and we all know what that meant. He was gonna rape me. Hardly a surprise given that he'd already jerked off over me when I was unconscious. I guess I was lucky he didn't do it then."
"My instinct is that he wanted you awake and not drugged," speculated Ziva, quietly.
"Yeah, I guessed as much," Ziva could see Abby's green eyes glittering with more unshed tears. She reached over to squeeze Abby's shoulder as her friend went on, softly, "awake and fighting him and yeah, I'd have fought the bastard, Ziva… not that it would have done me much good."
"We are back to loss of control again," commented Ziva, and Abby glanced at her in agreement. "But you distracted him, goaded him. I saw the moment when you started to fight back, Abby… as immobile as you were in that chair. I was so proud of you when you did that, and scared for you at the same time. One of the hardest things is to watch a friend in danger from so far away and not be able to do anything to help."
"Didn't feel very brave, Ziva. I was just so scared." Abby rested her head on her arms and Ziva scooted closer wrapping an arm around her in a hug, rocking Abby gently as the tears overwhelmed her again.
After a while, the tears subsided and when Abby raised her head, her eyes red-rimmed, she smiled softly, "Thanks, Ziva."
Ziva cupped her face, telling her earnestly, "We will get you through this, Abby."
"I know," acknowledged Abby, quietly. "You have no idea how much it means to me that everyone's got my back. Makes me feel safe." She paused. "I've been thinking, Ziva. Would you help me with some self defense lessons? I already asked Gibbs and he thought it was a good idea."
"Of course," agreed Ziva, smiling. "It will be fun to schedule some training. I will volunteer Tony to be a hamster."
Abby's throaty chuckle was a welcome sound. "Guinea pig."
"Are you sure?" asked Ziva, with a teasing glint in her eye which caused Abby to laugh even more. Ziva went on, "Have you been out yet with friends or to a club?"
"Not yet." Abby threw her a rueful glance. "You picked up on that too, huh?"
"It is an obvious parallel and I know how much you enjoy clubbing, Abby. If you need some company one evening…?" offered Ziva, smiling.
"That'd be great, Ziva, when I feel like it again… maybe next week? I know that'll be like getting back on the horse again and I need to…" She glanced at Ziva with an apologetic smile. "I just need to gather my courage, y'know? I was thinking of asking Tony too… he'd make a pretty cool bodyguard. In fact, with an ex-Mossad assassin and an over-protective NCIS agent on my six, I'd be invincible."
Ziva laughed and went along with Abby's attempt to lighten the atmosphere, her friend's face was showing the strain of talking through events. "You would. I am sure Tony would enjoy that. He has missed you this week."
"I've missed him too… missed all of you." Abby reached for Ziva's hand, and they sat in silence sipping coffee for a while longer before Abby glanced at her watch, seeing how late it was. "I'd better get going."
When they stood, Abby threw her arms round Ziva, almost engulfing the smaller woman in a bone crushing hug. "Thank you, Ziva. I don't know what I'd do without you… without all of you."
"We are family. What else would we do?" replied Ziva, simply before escorting Abby to her front door. "You know you are welcome to sleep on the couch, Abby, to save you the drive if you wish?"
"Thank you but…" Abby trailed off.
Ziva held up her hand before she could go on, a mischievous glint in her eye. "But I appreciate that your current sleeping arrangements are a more attractive prospect than the offer of my small couch." The contagious grin that broke out in response to her words was pure Abby.
"Oh, you have no idea, Ziva."
The house was dark and quiet when Abby returned. Although it was after midnight, Gibbs was usually as much of a night owl as she was and she was surprised not to find him still downstairs or in the basement. Feeling too tired tonight to stay up any longer herself anyway, Abby made her way swiftly upstairs.
She paused in the doorway to the bedroom. There was enough light from the streetlights and moonlight filtering through the gap in the curtains to make out a Gibbs sized lump in the bed. Abby assumed he was asleep as he didn't stir from where he lay half on her side of the bed.
Her side?
How easy it was to think of this house… this room… this bed as hers now… and to admit to herself how much she felt at home here.
She had to get out of that habit, even if the man who lived here was hers… which should be more than enough… heck, was more than enough compared to how lonely she had been barely more than a week ago.
The heat would be back on in her apartment by Monday and so she'd be going back there. As independent as she was, it wasn't the first time this week that she'd thought of not wanting to return to her apartment… of wishing she could stay here.
Abby shook herself, sighing almost wistfully. She had to stop thinking like that, lest she spoil this fledgling relationship they had. Gibbs wouldn't want her underfoot all the time for much longer. He valued his time alone and his privacy too much to suddenly have someone living in the same house every day… at least not this soon in their relationship, she thought.
Undressing and going through her nightly routine in the bathroom, she quickly removed her make-up and tried to wash away the evidence of her tears before dressing in her silky PJs with the camisole top. Approaching the bed quietly, she tried to slip into it without disturbing him, but warm hands reached for her as she soon as she settled under the covers.
"Hey, sorry, didn't wanna wake you," she rolled towards him, snuggling closer to his warmth gratefully, registering vaguely that he was still in his boxers. He kissed her hello, hands tangling in her hair, a slow, enticing kiss and she lost herself willingly in the taste and feel of him.
"Wasn't asleep," Gibbs murmured when the kiss ended, low voice sounding husky in her ear.
He'd not been in bed that long after spending the evening in the basement finishing off more toys for the children's hospital, enjoying his alone time. Once in bed, however, he'd found it difficult to get comfortable, and sleep just wouldn't come. The bed just suddenly seemed too large and empty.
For the past week, he'd fallen asleep wrapped around Abby's soft warmth and found himself missing it tonight. He'd tossed and turned for the past half hour and had almost decided to get up again when he heard Abby's car returning.
"Why didn't you say so when I came in?" He'd been doing his usual stealthy sniper impersonation even in bed.
Her curious question brought him out of his musings. "You looked like you had a lot on your mind." He'd nearly called out a greeting when she first appeared in the doorway but when she paused and just stared in his direction, seemingly lost in thought for several minutes, he'd held his tongue, wondering what was on her mind. "You okay?"
"Mmm, just pleased to be ho-… back," she corrected herself, hoping he hadn't noticed her slip. She didn't want to go through everything she'd discussed with Ziva, not quite yet, not even with Gibbs. She needed time to absorb it herself and in any case, it was late enough and they both needed sleep.
"You're cold." He tugged her as close as possible, wrapping himself around her.
"It's cold out and you're warm as toast." He always was and she relished the feeling of his warmth soaking into her, as much as the strong arms holding her.
"It's gotta be in a woman's genes that she has cold feet," he mumbled, rubbing his hands over her back, smiling as Abby was all but purring like a contented cat, nuzzling into his neck.
She chuckled, "That's why men were invented, to warm us up." She brushed her lips against his warm skin, smelling his familiar scent overlaid with soap from his obviously recent shower.
God, he smelled so good.
"How'd it go?" he asked, quietly. He didn't want to push her so hard that she clammed up, but he wanted to at least know if she felt better for seeing Ziva. He'd save questioning her further until the morning. He could usually read Abby fairly well, but needed to see her face in order to do so.
"It was exactly what I needed. Ziva was just great. She listened to me, she understood what was worrying me the most, and held me when I cried." She felt his arms tighten around her at her words. "She's incredible the way she's coped and it felt really good to talk to her about it."
"She okay?" he asked, quietly.
"She says so but she's just as good at hiding things as you are, so I hope so," Abby told him, softly. "I'd never forgive myself if this stirs up too many bad memories for her."
"Lotta things must remind her, Abbs," he pointed out, threading his fingers through her hair, the familiar tender caress soothing them both. "She wouldn't have offered if she didn't want to help."
"I'll tell you more tomorrow," Abby smothered a yawn with difficulty. Now she was back in a comfy bed, snuggled up against a warm Gibbs, she could feel her tiredness flooding back and she just wanted to sleep. "Right now, I'm just tired… again."
"Then sleep. It's been a helluva day." He drew circles over her back and tucked her head into his shoulder, shifting slightly to get a more comfortable position.
"You need sleep too." She pressed a kiss to his chest, carding her fingers through the sparse grey hair there, feeling the calming thud of his heartbeat.
"Couldn't sleep earlier. Can now." She felt him nuzzle against her hair and squeezed him tight, moved at his revealing words. "We can talk when you feel like it… no rush, remember?"
He tilted her chin up to kiss her softly. Abby rested her head on his chest and her breathing evened out as she soon drifted off to sleep, wrapped up safe in his arms. It wasn't long before he followed her, able to relax now that she was back… home.