Distance Nightmare 26/37
Chapter 26 - Being Alone
Her subconscious hadn't been idle while she slept.
Jerked abruptly awake from a nightmare at dawn, Abby didn't immediately realize where she was… and panicked. Disorientated, she rolled away from the warm body she was pressed against and scuttled back till she felt solid headboard at her back, gasping for breath.
Startled from sleep himself by her sudden movements, Gibbs reached for Abby before he was fully awake and only just missed being struck as she lashed out. It was only his quick reflexes that allowed him to avoid her flailing arm. He sat up and kept a safe distance, calling her name softly as she sat cowering against the head of the bed, eyes wide.
As she slowly recognized her surroundings and his deep voice got through to her, Abby's panic subsided. Gibbs could see the moment when her gaze focused again, and he held out his arms as her eyes met his. This time, she didn't hesitate and flung herself at him.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry." Abby was shaking as if she were cold and burrowed into him, letting his warmth and familiar scent calm her.
"It's okay, Abbs. I've got ya. Just relax." He wound his arms tightly round her, pulling her back to lie down and as close as possible, pressing gentle kisses to her hair.
Abby had hoped for a break from the nightmares, especially after feeling so loved and cherished, and falling into an exhausted sleep last night. But she realized that was probably a naïve hope. Her logical mind knew that it was more than likely the bad dreams would flare up again after seeing the footage. She just had to suck it up and get on with it until the nightmares started to either fade in intensity or occur with less frequency. At least she had Gibbs to hold onto, as long as she didn't knock him out in the process...
After a while her heart rate slowed, soothed by hearing the calming thud of Gibbs' heartbeat as she lay with her head on his chest.
"I was awake." Her voice sounded small in the silence.
"Hmmm?" Gibbs looked down at her as she lay in his arms.
"In my nightmare… I was awake." Abby rubbed her cheek against his chest, tightening her arm across his waist, drawing comfort from his nearness. "I dreamt of everything we saw last night but this time I was awake… awake and unable to move, to stop him, to fight him off."
"Oh, Abbs." His heart ached at the tremor in her voice.
"I woke up before he… before he could go too far." She shivered in spite of the warmth seeping back into her from both his body and the comforter over them both.
He stroked her hair softly. "Abbs…"
Abby interrupted him. "It's okay… really it is. I expected it. I kinda figured this was gonna happen… just hoped for a bit of a respite, that's all."
Gibbs sighed. "Perhaps asking a bit much after watching it last night."
"Yeah, I know." She sounded rueful. "I should know the pattern they follow by now. It's not the first time I've been plagued by nightmares, after all." Abby had always felt guilty about mentioning her nightmares in the past. She knew that Gibbs had more than his fair share, far more horrible than she'd ever have to cope with.
"Chip?" He tilted her chin up so he could see her eyes.
"Yeah, but you already know about those… remember?" She smiled gently at him, remembering how he'd taken care of her after that scare too.
"Yeah, I remember." It was another time when he'd not wanted to let her out of his sight after Chip had tried to kill her, a stark reminder that he'd nearly lost her again.
"And after Mikel." She hesitated before mentioning the name of her crazy stalker ex-boyfriend, knowing it was still a sore point between them. Abby still wasn't sure that he'd accepted why she hadn't told him about Mikel, that she'd been too embarrassed, thinking she could handle it herself.
"Oh yeah." Gibbs was hardly likely to forget that nightmarish period.
It was the first time he'd realized that the attraction he felt for Abby was more than just physical or casual. At the time he'd been unprepared for the intense feelings of jealousy and possessiveness that had swept through him. He'd been so distracted by dealing with Mikel Mawr that he'd nearly missed the equally real and parallel threat from Spooner hiring a hit man to kill Abby.
"Those nightmares were… bad and lasted a while," Abby admitted.
Gibbs quirked an eyebrow at her. "You didn't tell me that."
She tried to deflect him. "I dealt with it, it was no big deal."
It wasn't quite true.
Abby refrained from saying that she hadn't told him about how long those nightmares had lasted because he hadn't been there. He was in Mexico dealing with his own demons. The nightmares from Mikel had overlapped with those triggered by nearly losing Gibbs when he was injured in an explosion and then in a coma suffering from memory loss… and then he'd left, breaking her heart.
She'd long ago accepted why Gibbs had to leave and forgiven him, but she'd never told him just how much she had needed him then, how those four months had been the worst of her life. That was the time when she'd realized just how much he meant to her, how much she loved him, right at a time when she thought she'd lost him for good.
Before he could question her further and realize that she was holding something back, Abby changed the subject. "Sorry I nearly decked you."
He shrugged it off, smiling fondly. "You always did have one heck of a right."
"So I've been told. Good job you've got super fast Marine and special agent reflexes then." She propped her chin on his chest, lips curving in a smile as she teased him. "This morning will you drive me to my apartment so I can pick up my car? Then I can be independent next week."
He nodded, used to her lightning fast changes of topic by now. "Sure."
Abby went on. "I also want to ring Ziva this morning, thank her and see if she's up for having dinner next week."
"She said she wanted to help," Gibbs pointed out.
"She's an amazing friend… everyone's been so…" Abby found it hard to put into words how touched she'd been by how her friends had cared for her. She was determined that she'd tell them, show them what they meant to her… somehow.
"They all want to help." He brushed her hair back behind her ear.
"I know." She turned to press a kiss into his palm.
"You seein' the nuns for lunch after church?" he asked.
Abby shook her head. "Not today, next week is bowling practice. Besides, I'm not sure I can face telling them what happened… not yet." Although this Sunday wasn't one where she was scheduled to meet the Sisters, Abby knew there was more than an even chance she'd see one of them at church anyway.
"That's understandable. Only do it when you're ready, Abbs, if you tell them at all," he suggested.
Abby really didn't want the Sisters fussing over her today, and she knew they would if they found out. She hadn't decided if she was going to tell them what had happened to her in LA and was very tempted not to… although she doubted she could keep it from them completely.
Sister Rosita in particular had an uncanny knack of reading people that almost rivaled Gibbs, and Abby wasn't sure if she'd be able to get away with lying to Rosita's face. She'd have to rely on her poker face.
"I should be back for lunch… " Abby hesitated. "Unless you want me to stay out of your hair for a while?"
He shook his head, running his fingers lightly over her cheek, drinking in the sight of her lovely face. Did she not realize yet how much he needed her… how much he enjoyed her company? "Want you here."
Abby closed her eyes, sighing as she leaned into his touch, her smile widening."Last night was just… incredible." Erotic, intense, passionate, sizzling… any of those would describe one of the hottest nights of her life.
Now Gibbs had stopped holding back, he was showing her that arrogant ease in bed she'd suspected was there all along. He seemed to find all her buttons with breathtaking surety, discovering hot spots even she didn't know she had.
She just couldn't get enough of him.
"Yeah, it was." He slid his hands into her hair and pulled her up for a kiss, which he'd intended to keep light but once again Abby had other ideas. She responded hungrily to him, and one kiss soon became two and then three. Heat built rapidly between them as she moulded her body to his and they soon became lost in each other again.
It took them a while to tumble out of bed, extricating themselves from the rumpled sheets and climb into the shower, and then even longer before they made it as far as actually getting dressed.
Another delay came after he watched Abby slide her usual Sunday best outfit of demure Victorian Gothic over sexy black lace underwear, which led to a heavy make-out session pressed up against the bedroom door. They eventually made it downstairs to the kitchen where soft kisses and lingering touches interspersed a hurried breakfast.
All of which meant that Abby arrived at church slightly later than usual. She slipped into her usual pew, hoping not to draw attention to herself.
Abby was relieved in a way to be on her own. Not that she didn't want to be with Gibbs but she needed some time to herself, especially here. Even without the importance her religion played in her life, sometimes it was just the building itself which gave her peace.
It was the one place where she did feel the need for silence… and drew comfort from it.
She knew Gibbs wasn't a regular churchgoer. He usually attended Christmas Mass with her each year but with everything he'd lost in his life, she knew he had a slightly uncomfortable relationship with religion. Abby didn't have the strength at the moment to worry about whether he would feel awkward sitting next to her, not that he'd show it of course. He'd be his usual caring self, as he always was but she'd be concerned about him nonetheless.
Abby let the peace of the Mass wash over her, keeping her head down as she absorbed the service. The church was well attended, as usual, and she hoped the size of the congregation would allow her to sit there relatively unnoticed. Abby took communion but after she returned to her pew, she didn't move to leave when everyone else did.
As the service ended, Abby nodded and smiled at everyone she recognized as they left but tried to avoid being drawn into any conversations.
Abby sat in the quiet after everybody else had gone, drawing strength from the surroundings, while losing herself in her own silent prayers. The building itself had always soothed and calmed her, the beauty of its architecture and sacred atmosphere all combining to allow her to feel a little more in touch with her own spirituality here.
It was a healing place.
She'd drawn strength from her faith and the quiet and safety of the church many times in the past to recover from particularly traumatic cases… during those times when her friends, and not even Gibbs, had been able to help her cope and to forget.
Despite all she'd been through in the past week, her experiences hadn't caused her to question her faith, but neither had it strengthened her relationship with God. She'd seen enough horror through her work to believe that He wasn't responsible for man's own inhumanity to his fellow man or woman.
She seemed to be alone so she continued to sit, enjoying the peace, lost in thought.
Watching from nearby, Sister Rosita had spotted Abby earlier during the service and, after it had concluded, had started to make her way over to greet her friend. Something about Abby's expression had made her pause and she sat in a nearby pew to allow Abby her moment of quiet reflection.
Abby eventually looked up, sensing she was no longer alone and saw Sister Rosita sitting nearby. Resigned to the fact that of course it had to be Sister Rosita who'd found her, she steeled herself, hoping she could put on a convincing enough act.
"Abby, welcome back, my dear." They exchanged a warm hug and Sister Rosita joined her on the pew, linking arms with Abby, delighted to see her again. "So how was the trip? I know we weren't due to have lunch today but if you let me treat you, you can tell me all about it."
Her offer didn't get the usual enthusiastic response that she'd have expected from Abby. In fact, Abby's face fell at her words and Rosita saw her gnaw at her lip, a sure sign Abby was either nervous or upset. Rosita was even more alarmed to see her friend's eyes suddenly shining with tears.
"Abby, what's wrong?" she asked gently.
So much for her poker face. It lasted all of ten seconds around the intuition of Sister Rosita, probably about as long as it would around Gibbs' gut.
Abby shook her head, desperate not to talk about it here. She wasn't sure she could cope with the sympathy.
Abby felt a warm hand cover her own and looked up to see Sister Rosita giving her an understanding smile. "Something unexpected happened?"
She obviously knew her too well. Abby nodded, whispering "Yes."
Sister Rosita picked up on her reluctance, knowing that Abby would tell her when she was ready and settled for asking instead, "Are you alright?"
Abby started to say, "Yes," but then changed it to, "No," before shrugging helplessly, not wanting to go into details but not wanting to lie to her friend either.
"Do you have anyone helping you?" Sister Rosita asked. "Is Jethro with you?"
Abby nodded emphatically, "Oh yes, he is… very much."
"Good. Then I know you'll be safe." Rosita was somewhat placated. She knew how much Gibbs cared for Abby, and had long wondered if the feelings went deeper than that. She was almost certain they were reciprocated. Every time Rosita saw them together, she was left in no doubt just how much the Marine meant to Abby.
"I am, Rosita. He's taking very good care of me, don't worry." Abby gave the Sister a wan smile, grateful she hadn't pressed her for any details.
"There are a whole host of possibly clichéd phrases I could say to you right now." Sister Rosita gave her a warm smile. "I'm sure you could quote some of them back to me without too much thought, Abby. Without knowing what is wrong and what happened to you, I won't insult you by saying any of them." She reached over to take Abby's hand. "Just remember that I am here if you need me, Abby. We all are, but take your time. Go at your own pace. There is no rush, no deadline and no timetable on healing."
Abby swallowed past the lump in her throat, fighting back tears. "Thank you, Rosita."
They sat there quietly side by side for a while, Sister Rosita holding her hand as Abby regained her composure.
Eventually, Abby squeezed Rosita's hand before standing and gathering up her bag. "I must go."
Sister Rosita stood with her. "Will you come to lunch and bowling practice next Sunday, Abby?"
"Of course," confirmed Abby. "I'm looking forward to it."
"Will Jethro be coming too?"
"I'll ask him." Abby refrained from rolling her eyes at the hopeful note in Rosita's voice. All the Sisters knew Gibbs as he occasionally came bowling with Abby, and they all adored him.
Abby smiled inwardly as she thought of the fun times they'd all had together, and how she usually had to fight for Gibbs' attention, inevitably losing out to the combined might of the nuns when they had a silver-haired Marine in their sights.
Sister Rosita kissed her cheek goodbye. Abby enfolded her in a hug, conveying her thanks without words, feeling too emotional to even try.
When Abby left the building, she felt lighter… perhaps one step further along a healing path. She was keen to get back home and start preparing dinner for Ducky who was coming over later.
Home?
Where had that come from? Since when did she start thinking of his house as home?
Abby couldn't pinpoint the moment when she started thinking that way. She'd always felt at home in his house, but it was suddenly so much more than just a place to stay. Or was it the man himself who made the difference? That wherever Gibbs was now, suddenly felt like home.
TBC